Does my 2 year old have too much power?

[Bluffysummers]

Talking too my mother today and she said that I’m letting my 2 year old have too much power/ too much of a say in things. I’ll admit she’s in that age where she’s very opinionated and very stubborn and will have complete meltdowns and whilst she does calm down it takes a while and it’s not particularly conducive to getting things done.

There are a few categories this falls into:

Clothes: we let her chose what she wants to wear and most of the time what we buy from the clothes shops. So by choice, they are all clean, fit and are weather appropriate. Most of the time she picks a set, we tend to buy mainly multi packs or easily swappable pieces, but then if we want to go out she doesn’t always pick a coat and hat that matches but I’ve just gone by the principle in her little world she doesn’t have a lot of control and this is just her showing her personality and style, even if she doesn’t look like a chic Insta baby. We let her chose her clothes ie we’re going to buy shorts and t shirts and there are 3 choices in the shop and she gets to pick 1. She tends to like leggings/ shorts and t shirts for summer, she doesn’t really like dresses and will usually have a melt down if you try and put her in one, except she picked one out yesterday. Sometimes she likes to choose our clothes too, she likes to make us all matching. So my mum said it’s pandering to her and she’ll think she’s more important than she actually is, and that she should get used to wearing dresses because ‘I say so’. I’m just doubting myself a bit because, as long as it’s weather appropriate , clean and fits then what’s the big deal? She loves bright colours, unicorn prints, dinosaur and animal prints anything with those on she loves, which It’s not my personal taste but does it really matter? Felt like it’s picking my battles because if you put her in something she doesn’t like she has a tantrum and gets unchanged and it drags things on if you’re getting out of the house.
Her baby brother - she loves picking out his clothes, we did that as a way of combatting jealousy and making her feel involved. She insists he sits next to her in his newborn highchair thingy. She likes to pick out the activities they too.
Food- we tend to give 2 choices for snacks and she gets to pick one (ie. would you like apple and yoghurt or cheese and crackers?) we also let her eat what she pleases at meals, keeping the pressure off. Mum thinks she should clear her plate, not doubting myself as much about this one. All her meals are home cooked unless we’re eating out (obviously) and she gets offered a wide range of food.
Out and about- she choses the directions we walk in, which park to go to etc
Days out - again choice of 2 things (go to the farm or to the library?)

Is this too much power for a 2.5 year old. Am I too lax? I guess the clothes and her brother and out and about are the ones that have made me second guess myself.

We obviously have non negotiables like brushing teeth, baths (dh and i take turns with her and the baby in the bath anyway), no juice no sweets (gummy or candy style sweets, chocolate is ok l) kind hands and appropriate bedtimes but the rest seems like not really too much or a big deal.

Well I suppose it all depends on what happens when she can't make all of the decisions? I wouldn't do it just to make my life easy now...as it will only make life harder in the long run. She does also need to know that sometimes there are things we can't control and it's how she deals with that is the real learning

It sounds pretty appropriate tbh.

I know I was brought up with the phrase "do as I say not as I do" and "children should be seen and not heard" which is really fucked up, but is still the way certain people think.

The only thing I wouldn't allow is my dc picking my clothes, but they absolutely chose their own (usually from 2 outfits that I've selected) same with snacks. Sometimes I don't fancy something sweet or whatever, so why should I force my child to eat something they don't fancy in my say so?

She’s getting too many choices, it’s not even choices some of it is her getting to dictate isn’t it? Why is she always picking her brother’s clothes? Why is she picking yours? You walk the direction she says??
Choosing her outfit- fine. Dictating to others - not fine.

Giving too many open ended choices at this age can cause kids to become anxious. But I see nothing wrong with what you’re doing - giving a choice of one or two discrete choices is fine and can help build independance. Only thing I’d do is stop her choosing your clothes. She shouldn’t ever get a say in how others look / dress as it can lead to bullying / kids pulling off other kids clothing etc.

It sounds fine but soon her little brother will have choices too and she is going to have deal with that so make sure it doesn’t come as a shock to her.

Sounds absolutely fine to me - as long as they are wearing fairly clean clothing that fits and is appropriate for the weather and activity, I couldn't care less what toddlers wear. I often let children choose what activities we do and I give them some choices about food.
I suppose the only time this could be a problem is if she always makes all the choices and has a tantrum if, for example, you say, today we need to do xy and z and she doesn't want to.
I find though, that if children feel listened to and their opinions respected, those sorts of tantrums are few and far between as they learn by example to respect your choices too.

Choosing her own clothes from a selection - fine. Sometimes choosing the activity - fine. Choice of snack etc - fine.
Choosing your clothes and brothers, choosing the direction, route etc does seem a bit like you are scared of her pitching a tantrum.

With her baby brothers, we thought it might help her feel more involved in the day to day and jealousy. When he was first born she was quite jealous so I asked her to ‘help me out’ getting baby’s clothes and the jealousy just melted away so we sort of kept it up when we get up for the day, mummy gets changed, then DD get changed and then we ‘all’ (mummy DD and baby) go pick baby’s clothes and get him changed. She likes to hand things to me.

Re my clothes, she doesn’t chose them all the time, sometimes, I’ll be in my drawer getting a jumper or something and she’ll point to one and Say ‘I like this one mummy’ so I’ll say ‘ok, me too, I’ll wear it’.

Direction not for daily life when we need to go somewhere but when we’re just going out for a walk, we’ll say we’re going to the park, shall we go this way or that way. Or do you want to go to the wooden play park or the colourful play park etc.

(Sorry should have been more clear).

I thinks your approach is lovely and I'm going to keep it in mind for when my little one is older.
Your not giving her free reign over everything, just giving her a choice. Like you said she has clean, weather appropriate clothing that fits her... so what if its not all matching, at least she will grow up comfortable in her own choices.
Your also teaching her sometimes she does not have choices such as baths and teeth.
I think you have a great balance with your parenting style. Times change and what was right for you mum back then doesn't mean its what's right for you and your girl now

@Duracellbunnywannabe

It sounds fine but soon her little brother will have choices too and she is going to have deal with that so make sure it doesn’t come as a shock to her.

That’s a good point. When he gets to 2, he’ll start to become more opinionated too. She’ll be 4.5 then so hopefully her understanding will have grown too

Does she accept when you DO make the decisions though? She is in her mind ruling the roost. Imagine in 10 years time is she won't be told no at her age. My dc had a choice of meals and clothes. Not mine though and not deciding which way we walk!

Can't see nothing wrong with any of that if you can be arsed and have the time. I wouldn't however let her choose her brothers clothes or yours, because one day you're going to have 2 of them choosing clothes. But meh, they're your kids not your mother's.

Small amounts of power over her own life are absolutely fine - I'd always let me children choose their own clothes
Bath or shower tonight
Cucumber or carrot sticks for lunch

Power over you or the rest of the family - like choosing what everyone wears, what you all eat or where you are going for the day is too much.

You might think it's cute now that she chooses your matching outfits or day trip, but soon you will have two children who might want different things, and your DD will have had a couple of years of being in charge. That will be a difficult adjustment.

I suppose the only time this could be a problem is if she always makes all the choices and has a tantrum if, for example, you say, today we need to do xy and z and she doesn't want to

If it’s something we need to do or we’ve planned and 9/10 she’s usually fine, I do find her choosing her clothes has really helped and choosing her brothers clothes with me helped even more, it’s like she realises ahh this is a day out and we’re all dressed for a day out. If she’s just being a nightmare, it’s a non negotiable, we tend to talk to her in advance about going out and then remind her it’s an adventure and we spoke out it before. But it doesn’t all get flushed down the crapper because she says no

Heard of the phrase 'spoiled for choice'. It's good to offer choice but maybe not that much?

i think her own clothes is ok.
but others not so much.
gradually wean her off this.
maybe when she tells you which jumper to wear, say well then can i pick one of your for you to wear today.
otherwise she may feel everything revolves around her.
also as to outings to the park. just announce where you are going.
and distract, look at that big bird. wonder how many we'll see in the park today.
definitely agree with you about food. you are right. your mum is wrong.
never ever use food/mealtimes as a punishment detail. choices can be limited, but never demand everything is eaten. that is just wrong.

I think for the most part it's a really good way to parent and excellent at teaching your dd how to be independent. I think your mum's style is so old fashioned, the clean your plate especially I really wonder how many of our generation have developed eating disorders or a bad relationship with food as a result of being told to clean our plate. We wouldn't tell an adult to do it so letting them stop when they're full is fine.

But like pp have said it's good for her to know that sometimes you do have to make the decisions about big things so maybe try set that boundary and say for this you can decide but for things like bedtime (or something else like schedule etc, whatever it is) say mummy/daddy have to make these decisions for now.
Then she's got control over the things that are little for us but big for her and you have control over the things that affect development and are beyond her comprehension.
Also really like your way of giving her options, I do that for my one year old let her pick a book or which top to wear.

All in all, ignore your mother, there's a reason we don't all parent like that anymore because for a lot of people it hasn't done them any favours!

Might come back to bite you and as Shabba says what happens when she can’t make a decision or wants to but it’s not the right one and she doesn’t get her way. I don’t think my daughter had any say in her clothes until she was at school and much older re days out. Food a little different because I wanted her to try a whole host of foods, she is now a strong independent A level student.

On the whole OP I think you are doing great but I would suggest limiting those choices to things that she wears or eats and activities but it’s probably best she gets used to going places she doesn’t choose and not getting to choose what others wear. I think it’s probably important that she learns that others have boundaries, needs, likes and wants too. Toddlers are fundamentally egocentric and part of their development is learning to empathise and negotiate with others.

Your mum is way too harsh.

She doesn’t chose family meals, just what she eats of it. We all have the same anyway. But she gets presented with the food (at least one kind we know she’ll eat) then she eats what she eats and she leaves what she leaves.

The days out it’s only for child friendly family days out, like the farm or the zoo? The museum or the library? Not anything that’s a necessity or that we ourselves want to do.

@alexdgr8

i think her own clothes is ok. but others not so much. gradually wean her off this. maybe when she tells you which jumper to wear, say well then can i pick one of your for you to wear today. otherwise she may feel everything revolves around her. also as to outings to the park. just announce where you are going. and distract, look at that big bird. wonder how many we'll see in the park today. definitely agree with you about food. you are right. your mum is wrong. never ever use food/mealtimes as a punishment detail. choices can be limited, but never demand everything is eaten. that is just wrong.

That’s a good idea about the clothes! I’ll try that!

I think it sounds appropriate but I would say that because I do the same with my DS. My mum is from the same school of parenting as your mum and to be honest we are now not close because I can’t stand the constant passive aggressive commentary about how ‘he has to learn’. When no actually, the things he has choice over are things that essentially don’t actually matter.

Which T-shirt for today, limited choices for snacks, options for the day, the way to the park, I do all these things. No siblings though so I do have that luxury.

With food, it's a really bad idea to insist she clears her plate - dietitians say that children should stop when they've had enough, otherwise they're eating more than their body needs and learning to ignore when their body is full, both of which contribute to obesity. So you're doing the right thing there!

I hadn’t really thought about choosing baby’s clothes as a bad thing, think we’ll need to gradually wean her down from that now that the initial jealousy has subsided.

Re days out, is it bad even if it’s a sort of false choice as in, both things are good and free and we don’t mind which one we do? Thought when they grow up we’d alternate one choses one activity and the other the next? Maybe we should put that into practice now, we chose one activity and then she choses the other one.

@furballfun

With food, it's a really bad idea to insist she clears her plate - dietitians say that children should stop when they've had enough, otherwise they're eating more than their body needs and learning to ignore when their body is full, both of which contribute to obesity. So you're doing the right thing there!

That’s what I’d read too, or aversions and complete food refusal, both things we’re keen to avoid. We’ve noticed with her any slight pressure, encouraging or anything she totally digs her heels in and shuts down