Husband wants another baby and I don't...

[PocketRocket12]

Well, atleast not right now.

My LB is 18 months old and a gorgeous but very busy and demanding toddler who has never slept through the night. I work 4 days a week in a really demanding but fulfilling job - I've been back for 8 months. I had PND and a really tough time for the first year of LBs life - covid pregnancy, PND, feeding problems, literally no sleep for 11 months - but really finding my rhythm now.

I do see ourselves with another child but I really just want to enjoy this period of time right now - I've been waiting so long for this feeling of content and don't want to turn it all upside down. I also breastfed for nearly a year so I feel like my body is my own again for the first time in a long time.

Hubby doesn't seem to understand - he is obsessing about us getting older and being 'old parents') - I'm 32 and he's 34!!!

How did you know when you were ready for another child? What was it like going from 1 - 2? Ideal age gap? Have you and your partner even been at different stages when it came to having more children?

You're not old yet, still plenty of time. Nice he's eager but better for you both to feel ready for it.

1-2 is easy. I was ready pretty quickly and we planned a 2 year gap but had 2 miscarriages before getting our 2nd 5 years and 4 days after our 1st. DH has said no more after each one until our latest, now he wants another and I don't (well, atm).

It takes 2 years for your body to recover from pregnancy and labour. YANBU.

I wanted our second before our first went to school so that she didn’t feel left out or shipped off. She’s old enough to help out with her big sister and in theory understand that the baby has needs which have to be met straight away.

But she also needs more attention herself (not all four year olds do) and she quite often tries to get our attention with negative behaviours.

I was 32 and hubby 37 this time round and I did feel the difference, it was harder on the body.

I am glad we waited definitely, but there are pros and cons for a smaller gap as well.

Thank you everyone - some really good advice. Seems like there’s no real perfect age gap which is good to know. I honestly don’t feel ready to be pregnant again and can’t even imagine how I’d give everyone the time and attention they need, how you do double bedtimes, how you get everyone up and dressed and out the door, how me and my husband would find any time for each other … but I know you just figure it out!!

I won’t be pressured in to it because I know, ultimately, it’s my life changing drastically again and so I need to 100% be ready for it.

How did you find the transition back into the newborn stage @Chely? It frightens me!

Mines 5 and my husband now wants a second, i can't decide! I'm not bothered by age gaps though as i wouldn't be having a second for my first to have a playmate (though does play brilliantly with baby cousin), my brother is 18m younger and i hated him as a child, never played together, maybe that's tainted my view!

Understand completely @whoruntheworldgirls- I’ve two sisters, one only 19 months younger, and we are not close.

I think it’s more personality than anything when it comes to siblings having a close relationship.

I think I still have a lot of trauma around those early days with my DS and don’t know if I’m ready to go back there! He would be such a fantastic big brother though.

My eldest was 14 months when I fell pregnant with our second. Having a baby and a 2 year old was hard, especially when my second had awful colic! Once the youngest became more of a toddler I actually found it easier, they played well together and because they were so close in age it was easy to plan activities they were both interested in. If I had just had two children the gap was actually pretty perfect, I went on and had another 2 so in reality I feel like I've been in the toddler stage forever! My eldest two are now 14 and 12 and still very close.

How is your DH as a father?

It sounds like it may have been plain sailing for him as presumably he was getting a full night's sleep while you had no sleep for 11 months?

That could explain your differing attitudes to having a second.

Would your DH considering taking 6 months parental leave for a 2nd if he wants one so much? That way you'd have less impact on your career, he could deal with more of the baby stages and you could get more sleep while he's the SAHP?

Short answer is that it's your body and only you will know when or if it's ready to go through pregnancy again.

@PocketRocket12

How did you find the transition back into the newborn stage *@Chely*? It frightens me!

I love the baby stage, so much so we now have 6 from 5 term pregnancies. Sleep deprivation was pretty bad with twins but it doesn't last forever. Our 1st was the worst sleeper, the rest were much better unless ill. Being organised is vital. Was a bit rough in the early weeks with youngest as I had a c-section and scar rupture, low iron levels, pain and barely any sleep but we got through it. She is an absolute delight and was sleeping through well from 3mth.

We have a 3 year gap & that’s worked out really nicely for us. I was not a mum who could have remotely coped with two under two or even two under three. It was hard enough coping with one under two/three 😂 & hard enough coping with pregnancy & a two year old!

I had a really tough time with DD1, the baby stage was brutal & I had mild PND. DD1 was a poor sleeper & still isn’t great at 5 year olds 🥴 but DD2, the easiest baby. Sleeps like a dream. No hint of PND for me. It was like night & day!

I wanted a small enough age gap they’d get along & have some similar interests. By the time DD2 was born, DD1 was long potty trained, very verbal & just about out of the bonkers tantrum phase. She was super helpful getting me toys & nappies for the baby, she responded well to instructions when I didn’t have a free hand, she wouldn’t just bolt away if out for a walk, she understood to walk by the pram etc! And now, aged 2 & 5, they are great pals. They play together really nicely with small world, dolls, trains etc.. they enjoy the same TV for the most part. They run around after each other, do scooter & trike races in the park and DD1 is always looking out for DD2 in softplay etc! Don’t get me wrong, they argue like cat & dog over toysp & I’m sure there’ll be times the older one doesn’t want to entertain playing with little sis but for now, it’s great!

Hi OP, I can't offer any advice I'm afraid but I'm in the same position as you except my son is a little older, he's 2.3 and I'm thinking about trying this summer and onwards for no2 which would achieve a 3.3 age gap onwards.

Like you I had PND with DS and it was hard work for me adjusting to life, throw in the lockdowns and maternity leave the whole thing was hard work and I also dread those new born days again!!!
I do think though having a December baby and then my DH being furloughed made life so much harder and I hope that having a spring/summer baby and no pandemic might heal my wounds, if not at least I know I've survived it all before and surely it won't seem to daunting next time?

Great to see PP and their 3 year age gap working well!

Also, people don't mention this much, but are you looking forward to the funded nursery hours at 3? And then think about how you'll be back of full price fees with baby 2 as well!? Xx

When I say DH being furloughed made life harder, I don't mean that completely, he did help massively but we seriously got on each others nerves and I lost my confidence doing things alone so when he went back to work it was hard again!

I feel you @electricdreamm! I think in my head a 3+ year age gap was what I was looking for. The funded nursery hours are also playing a huge factor in that, I can’t lie. My son adores nursery and the structure and I wouldn’t want to take him out completely but couldn’t afford the fees whilst on maternity leave.

I’m finding I’m also being pathetically trivial… my younger sister is getting married next November (DS will be 2.5)… we’ve never had a family wedding that wasn’t my own! I am Maid of Honour and want to enjoy it, be present, have fun, focus on my sister…. Not sure I want to be pregnant or have a newborn but then how does it all fit in?

It’s so trivial I feel awful saying it but childcare costs, social events, pregnancy, more time off work, it all contributes to how I feel about it.

Those things aren't petty or trivial, they're sensible.

We have a 4 year gap and it's perfect, they're now 6 and the little one will be 2 in a couple of months - they're absolutely great together, so much so we are considering planning 3 for when DS2 nursery fees reduce, they'd be 7, 3 and baby by then. I'm 36 now.

Wow @Chely- nailing it! I do sort of think… well they can’t possibly be as bad a sleeper as my first so???

It's your body and you taking the risks associated with pregnancy and birth which makes it your decision.

How much paternity leave will he be taking? How much of child rearing and housework does he do?

Didn't answer your question!
There's 15 months between my two. It was knackering.

There’s just under 3 years between mine and that felt right for us; my older DD was toilet trained, could dress herself (if she wanted), can understand what was happening and was going to nursery. I was the same as you until something switched when my DD was about 20 months and I just wanted another, it was like a biological urge. I’d say don’t do it until you feel ready though as pregnancy with a toddler is hard going

It's your body, don't have a child if you don't want one.

I felt 'ready' for another when DD was about 18/19 months, and DH felt the same. However due to financial and job/career reasons we didn't feel it was viable/in anyone's best interests to start trying then and we are both in our twenties so didn't need to rush from that perspective. We started ttc when DD was just over 2 and I fell pregnant when she was 2.5, baby is 5mo now and there is a roughly 3.5 yr gap between the two of them. I've had PND and severe anxiety both times and now I'm very very glad we didn't try sooner as I'm struggling with this age gap sometimes nevermind a smaller one, it would have been impossible for me. Plus I get HG during pregnancy too so at 2.5 DD was old enough to understand the concept of 'poorly' and obviously it was difficult enough for her but it would have been a million times worse if she'd been a whole year younger.

I take it he wants you barefoot and pregnant.

I'd be telling him to fuck off for himself.

@Chely

You're not old yet, still plenty of time. Nice he's eager but better for you both to feel ready for it.

1-2 is easy. I was ready pretty quickly and we planned a 2 year gap but had 2 miscarriages before getting our 2nd 5 years and 4 days after our 1st. DH has said no more after each one until our latest, now he wants another and I don't (well, atm).

1-2 is easy when you have I five year gap! (I know that wouldn't have been your choice though).

1-2 can be really really hard, I had two under two and it was grim. Grimmer than when I had three under five, honestly.

Nothing wrong with waiting, all my children were born after I was 35 - you have time and it sounds like you need it. Also nothing wrong with sticking at one child, the happiest parents I know are probably the ones with one child.

Also, Even with a 4 year Gap we haven't found 1-2 easy, at all. There is always someone who needs you, there's no hour or 2 break during naptime, everything seems SO much busier - doing a nursery and school run before work and the same again after.

However, we have 0 family childcare - which I can guarantee if we did would be a humongous help, we do at least once every couple of months book a day off together and go out for lunch as that's our only grown up time alone

@PocketRocket12

I feel you *@electricdreamm*! I think in my head a 3+ year age gap was what I was looking for. The funded nursery hours are also playing a huge factor in that, I can’t lie. My son adores nursery and the structure and I wouldn’t want to take him out completely but couldn’t afford the fees whilst on maternity leave.

I’m finding I’m also being pathetically trivial… my younger sister is getting married next November (DS will be 2.5)… we’ve never had a family wedding that wasn’t my own! I am Maid of Honour and want to enjoy it, be present, have fun, focus on my sister…. Not sure I want to be pregnant or have a newborn but then how does it all fit in?

It’s so trivial I feel awful saying it but childcare costs, social events, pregnancy, more time off work, it all contributes to how I feel about it.

It's not trivial at all. It's a valid reason for you to wait. You will know when you are ready physically and emotionally.

Age gaps. No ideal. All come with pros and cons. I have a 5 yr age gap, was not planed to be that big a gap but it is what it is. Plus side eldest was at school when o mat leave so number 2 got a lot more attention that he would otherwise. As they are getting older ( 9 and 4) finding it harder to find things that they both want to do. Not a huge amount of sibling rivalry as age gap too large.

For me the transition from 1-2 was way harder than 0-1. But I think that was because was first was relatively easy as a baby and toddler and my 2nd a handful! Came as a bit of a shock! But if you luck out with an easier temperament with your 2nd I imagine it would be a much easier transition.

@GiantHaystacks2021

I take it he wants you barefoot and pregnant.

I'd be telling him to fuck off for himself.

absolutely roaring out loud 😂😂