Husband wants another baby and I don't...

[PocketRocket12]

Well, atleast not right now.

My LB is 18 months old and a gorgeous but very busy and demanding toddler who has never slept through the night. I work 4 days a week in a really demanding but fulfilling job - I've been back for 8 months. I had PND and a really tough time for the first year of LBs life - covid pregnancy, PND, feeding problems, literally no sleep for 11 months - but really finding my rhythm now.

I do see ourselves with another child but I really just want to enjoy this period of time right now - I've been waiting so long for this feeling of content and don't want to turn it all upside down. I also breastfed for nearly a year so I feel like my body is my own again for the first time in a long time.

Hubby doesn't seem to understand - he is obsessing about us getting older and being 'old parents') - I'm 32 and he's 34!!!

How did you know when you were ready for another child? What was it like going from 1 - 2? Ideal age gap? Have you and your partner even been at different stages when it came to having more children?

literally no sleep for 11 months

Did your DH experience any of this or was it all on you? You're talking about double bedtimes but surely it's one each. It's very easy for the person who doesn't do the hardest parts of parenting and gets the rewards to want another.

Wait until you feel ready (or not at all, only children are fine too).

How involved was your DH with parenting your DC?
Is he pressuring you?

I would ask when your DH is taking over doing all the night wakings and mornings

@mistermagpie the point was you never know if there will be difficulties that change the size of gap.
Trust me I know the struggle of small gaps too, we had 3rd when 2nd was 16.5mth and then twins before 3rd was 3. It can be a juggling act but you muddle through it.

How hands on has he been with ds since born? Did you tag team nights to be able to get some periods of better sleep? Even just on his days off.

We have a 4 year gap (ish). Went for 3 years but didn’t happen. Actually it’s turned out really well. Number 1 was old enough to understand what was going on and happy to spend time with other people (grandparents etc) without me. They get on really well together to be honest.

Just as a warning though our second is just as bad a sleeper as the first! So nothing is guaranteed!

Also I couldn’t even consider a second child before our first was 2 but this time I could have had a third straight away really. Unfortunately can’t afford another one!

I'm pg with #2 and #1 will be 19mths when 2nd arrives
It wasn't planned and I'm very apprehensive as #1 was not an easy baby and has only really just started sleeping through.
Im just trying to tell myself there is never the perfect time and there will be pros and cons to all age gaps but had you have said "are you ready for another?" The answer would have been no.
If you're defo thinking no not yet then now is not the right time. I think you've got to be at least on the fence about having another

I'm just keeping everything crossed my next is an easier baby

Just tell your husband you were thinking of a bigger gap and you want to want another 9months/1 year before TTC.

When I hear women say this and then they add they had pnd, the obvious question is how was your dh with your first? If he didn’t look after you while you had pnd, cook dinners and take night shifts with baby then the appropriate response is we are never having a second until you’ve considered how you let baby and I down and decided you are going to be a completely different person this time around.

@PocketRocket12 I'm with you there too! I have a hen do and a wedding later this year and I'd rather be able to drink. It's been ages since we can all "party" with covid etc
But I think the main thing for me is being scared about going back to the place I went to with DS. It's mad isn't it, you can try and prepare yourself for a baby but when you have that first child bang!!! It hits you and your household like a ton of bricks.
I'm constantly googling "perfect age gap" etc to try and give me an answer but really I know for me it'll be a 3-4 year gap.
Me and sister are 16 months apart and we didn't get on at all growing up, it's better now we're older but I think it's because I've learnt to tolerate her more than anything.
My thinking with a 3+ year gap is that they're close enough to share interests but far away enough not to be rivals e.g GCSEs 3 years apart less easy to compare grades than 1 year apart etc!!

Hope your hubby understands your thoughts and I'm sure everything will work out great for you when the right time comes xx

What aspect of it is your husband ‘desperate’ for, specifically? Does he do the majority of the drudgery mental load and parenting? If not, he can fuck off, can’t he.
He wouldn’t be the one risking his life, body, career, pension and mental health for the sake of adding to over population, so his demands are not relevant.

You are all ruddy bloody amazing and reading this thread has made me feel seen, empowered and that my feelings matter and it is ABSOLUTELY okay to stick two fingers up until I'm ready (when I'm ready?). Thank you.

To answer briefly a lot of your questions - DH is a good father, attentive, hands on (not just the fun stuff) and we split the bedtimes 50/50. He did not do the night wakes when he went back to work until I went back to work (so from 2 months until 10 months) and has since learnt how desperately awful that was for me. I genuinely still hold trauma from the whole ordeal and am not over it yet, clearly.

He works hard (AS DO I) and has a job that requires long hours, often unpredictable, lots of overtime, etc. So currently with my DS I plan to do everything, always, and if DH is home it's a bonus.

Obviously, completely not doable with two children and he knows that but if he's serious about a 2nd then we will need to agree whatever lifestyle changes are appropriate for our family long term.

Would also be helpful if DS was at an age where he was happy to stay with grandparents as currently that's still a challenge (COVID baby)

You’re not being unreasonable and all of your reasons are valid. My DS is 18 months and couldn’t even think about another yet, we can’t afford it anyway until free nursery hours but I said to my DH I don’t even want to talk about it until he’s too. Terrible sleeper, traumatic pregnancy. I’m also taking in some more responsibility at work again and I want to get secure in those next steps before another pregnancy where o might be very unwell and absent from work and then maternity leave. It’s your body that will carry the baby, your career that takes the hit! We must have both had small babies during that winter lockdown and it was absolutely brutal!!

I felt exactly the same as you OP, my partner wanted a 2nd soon after DD was born and I couldn't even contemplate it. She's 4 now and it's only the last 6 months I've felt ready to have another...but now my partner says its too late!
Why not wait a year or two? You are still young. I think a 4/5/6 year gap is nice and I know lots of examples when it has worked well.

I have a 2.5-year age gap. We had planned it that way but it was still very hard work in the beginning, there’s no getting away from that and I did struggle with the transition from 1-2 (particularly because it was during the first lockdown!). Now that my youngest is almost 2 it’s lovely to see them playing together, they do scrap a lot but most of the time they are best friends.

Ultimately there is no perfect age gap and usually people will recommend what they have. Also you still have plenty of time at 32! I’m 31 and most of my friends are only just starting to have their first babies now.

Second child is now 5, it does not get easier. If in any doubt people should NOT have a second child. I bitterly regret being persuaded, I live in a prison of my own construction. Everyone talks about how good it is for the first child but it’s not worth the cost.