Phone for high school. Should I? DD doesn’t want one

[TheMidnightBell]

My daughter will start high school next year. Nearly all her friends have smart phones already. She doesn’t have a phone. She says she doesn’t like them & doesn’t want one. Part of me thinks this is great & long may it continue. Another part of me worries that this might mean she will miss out on potential new friendships at high school. She is quite young for her age compared to lots of girls in her class. They are all busy gossiping, watching Friends on Netflix & being on TikTok whereas she just want to climb trees, collect sticks, read & make up imaginary worlds. She’s happy but I think this has made her circle of friends very small & I get the impression she’s seen as a bit eccentric by the other kids, which she is & is proud to be. It seems stupid to make her have a phone if she doesn’t want one. I’m really pleased that she is happy doing things offline & have lots of concerns about what kid’s get up to on their phones. Will there be any other kids at high school that don’t have a phone though? Will she still be able to find her tribe, or will it make her isolated?

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MNHQ

Tough one.
Mind you, sounds like you’re based in America so the social norms might be different.

Does anyone here have a high school aged kid who doesn’t have a mobile phone? Is it okay? Do they still find a way to keep in touch with their friends or do they get left out of things? Are they the only one or do other kids not have phones?

No, I’m in London

She'll be fine. She may change her mind after a while but if not, embrace the eccentric. There's a world of toxic content out there and she sounds as if she's not interested!
My DD is a bit older. She wasn't allowed to join any WhatsApp big/class groups, no tiktok (still doesn't have it but that's her choice) and only joined IG at 14. She's found her people in yr9 and is a bit of an outsider but that's fine by her.
Having a phone is useful though, DD's school rather expects kids to have phones and they often use them to look up stuff!

One of my daughter's friends didn't have a phone for the whole of year 7, 8 and 9. It was a bit awkward occasionally, because all their social arrangements were made on the phone and finding out whether this child was available was more time-consuming. But they seemed to find a workaraound and the phoneless child is now a perfectly lovely well-adjusted 16 year old.

My eldest has one but doesn't use it much. His friends all talk over online games. I prefer him to have one though so he can communicate with me if he needs to. Maybe you could compromise.

I think purely from a safety and communication perspective I would want her to have one. Eg if she misses the bus she can tex to say she’s on the next one etc. When the school had a small fire t they expected the kids to communicate to the parents they were coming home - DS was in the middle of PE and they weren’t allowed to get back into the building for thier stuff so luckily I work walking distance from school so he just turned up there!
They also use thier phones to take photos of the homework on the board or to look up stuff etc

@alwaysmovingforwards

Tough one. Mind you, sounds like you’re based in America so the social norms might be different.

I have read the OP 3 times and can't work out what makes you think they are in America.

OP i think I would probably get a phone before the summer holidays, don't make a huge fuss about it and leave it available if she wants to use it. She may start to see some value in it or she may not touch it, but I think having it in the house so she can choose is easier than the 'shall we get you a phone' talks, especially if she isn't keen.

Maybe get her a none smartphone if she is not keen on having one? That way you can keep in touch with her and visa versa without all the extra stuff that comes along with smartphones that she doesn't want.

I spent years working in pastoral in a high school. In my school students are told that phones will be confiscated if seen in school and should not be bought in. Not every kid has one but most do. I always felt they cause a lot of problems to be honest, 70% of non classroom based behaviour issues had their root in mobile phones.

Depends on the school. DS was using a phone occasionally in class from year 7 to take photos, such as of spelling words on the board, otherwise he would have had to rush to get them down at the end of the lesson or at break. He also has the timetable on his phone instead of carrying it around folded in his blazer pocket. He needed a phone of some kind anyway for contact purposes as we don't have a home phone. He's never had one worth hundreds, current one was £120 second hand.

Is she currently Yr5 or Yr6 and going to secondary in September?

If Yr5, don’t stress. Plenty of time! Loads don’t get a phone until Yr 7.

If she’s going in September I’d get her a basic phone as a ‘safety precaution’. I’d frame it this way - that it’s about you but her - so she doesn’t need to awkwardly climb down about it if she realises she really does want/need one after all. Lot changes in secondary school and it’s better to have the option there if she needs it.

Oh, and DS is now 15, he only has Discord to communicate with his friends, no interest in FB, Insta or anything else. He reads web serials on his phone more than anything else!

Just get a non smart phone for calls and texts. I think it's great she doesn't want one! Long may it continue.

Ds is Y7 his school sort of assumes the kids have phones and they email about lesson or kit changes for example and there is an app for timetable and homework. However there is also a no WhatsApp groups for pupils rule and and a you may not have you phone powered on within school site rule. He had to but a wristwatch to know when it’s the end of break.

That aside if she is heading out the door to school alone it’s generally a safety decision to carry a mobile.

DD made friends in first two terms without smartphone, but then COVID happened so I did get her one. She does have some friends without, who she keeps in touch with via school email or school Teams on the laptop.

Will she be travelling to and from school on her own? That's the only reason I'd insist on her having one. My kids didn't get phones until year 7.

I bought DD2 a cheap basic phone for secondary, but she only used it once, when she got lost on the way home, never to contact friends. Then she kept forgetting to charge it and it broke so she was without a phone for years but never bothered - she uses ipod/discord on computer for messaging. I just bought her another basic one as she needed a phone number for something, again she isn't charging it/using it. I think it has caused her to miss out - she has one friend who isn't on discord so sends her very formal emails instead.

I'd tell her she has to have one simply so you can contact eachother if walking to/from school alone. She doesn't have to use it for anything else so a basic call/text handset will do and the battery last ages on those so minimal maintenance for her. If she changes her mind about a smartphone later you can always get one.

I have two boys in y7. No phones. They are great, no issues, active social life. Their friends with phones have been caught up in WhatsApp drama etc. mine are glad to be out of it.

My y7 daughter doesn’t use hers much, not into TikTok, thinks it all nonsense. She does need the phone to access her bus app, her homework app and other school message systems. Plus she texts me if any issues with getting home.

I think the word high school threw @alwaysmovingforwards - which I find funny. I live in Yorkshire and in my council area, we exclusively use high school. I’d never heard secondary schools until I moved down south 😂

@Daqqe

I think the word high school threw *@alwaysmovingforwards* - which I find funny. I live in Yorkshire and in my council area, we exclusively use high school. I’d never heard secondary schools until I moved down south 😂

Ohh I didn't realise

I'm in Scotland and our school is 'town name high school'

I'd get her a brick to start - use the pretext that you want her to be able to text you if she's late home (she can also use the excuse that her parent only let let her have a brick if anyone takes the piss). It will at least mean others can text her. Although not guaranteed of course.

Then maybe once she's started at secondary she'll change her mind?

DC2 didn't have one until he was in year 9. He wasn't interested at all, we had a basic phone that he took when he went to town with friends etc.

My 11 yo DD in 1st year secondary sounds exactly like yours. I gave her my old phone at the start of the school year and she has almost zero interest in it. Sometimes I force her to take it with her in case she might need to text me. A majority - but not all - of the other kids have phones. She doesn’t care or want join in with their TikTok stuff, just reads, plays or goes off into her imagination. Not sure it was worth giving it to her - but it’s there if needed.