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Original poster

DP said he doesn’t want another..

39 replies

Cccccccccc96 · 17/03/2022 11:20

DS, our first child, is 9 weeks old. He’s quite a calm baby but when tired screams the house down. It’s sad but I know how to tackle it now.

Last night I was exhausted so asked my fiancé (babies dad) to get him ready for bed whilst I got an hour or two sleep. He woke me up in a blind panic because DS was reaaaally tired and screaming

He admitted he’s struggling and finds it hard to know what DS wants. He then said he doesn’t want another baby he can’t cope

This broke my heart as I love being DS’ mum and the thought of not getting to do this again hurts. Especially when we’ve been saying we’d try for baby 2 when DS is about 18 months old

This morning he’s said “I haven’t said no I just need to think about it” which is upsetting. Of course I love my DP so much and our DS is so perfect we’re so lucky to have him

But the thought of never doing this again when my whole life I’ve dreamt of having multiple children upsets me. I’m only young too so it’s quite hard to think I’ll never expand my family?

Do we think this is just an emotional statement and he’ll change his mind as he goes through being a new dad and builds his confidence?

OP posts:

bubbleducks · 17/03/2022 11:22

I went through exactly the same with my DH. Now DS is one and he's desperate for another! The first few months is so hard. Give him time, he's adjusting to fatherhood. Don't pressure him and just enjoy your baby and see what happens. I spent a really long time upset and stressing cos DH said he didn't want another when our son was tiny. I wish I hadn't worried so much! Life settles down and I bet he changes his mind xxx

biggreenhouse · 17/03/2022 11:23

he's only 9 weeks? no 1 needs to be thinking about another right now.. I can't imagine many people would want a second right at this point.

princesscallie · 17/03/2022 11:27

When our DD was tiny husband said he didn't want any more kids. It was more to do with the fact that I was a demon without sleep. However when she was around 15 months something happened and he then changed his mind. We now have 2 DDs. This was just over 7 years ago.

However at the start of the pandemic I started to feel like I'd like another child. He didn't give on this at all. I literally had a physical ache for another baby but there was no changing his mind. I thought I would never get over it. But one day after our last big argument about it when I had spent the previous night awake and in tears we had an unexpected family tragedy. It really put things into perspective for me. Be happy with what you have as you never know whats around the corner.

I'm sure given time your husband will want another child. Try not to worry over it now and just enjoy your DS.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

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Odile13 · 17/03/2022 11:27

I think it’s very normal to think you don’t want another child soon after having a baby. I’m not saying he will change his mind but who knows how he will feel in a year or two or three’s time.

Beees · 17/03/2022 11:34

@biggreenhouse

he's only 9 weeks? no 1 needs to be thinking about another right now.. I can't imagine many people would want a second right at this point.

Agreed. Honestly you have a million other things to think about with a 9 week old don't get hung up on wanting or not wanting another when you've barely even started being parents.

MangoM · 17/03/2022 11:37

It's still early days yet and you're right in the thick of it. Give it a little time and things will start to settle, he just needs a little time to get used to being a Dad. Give him the chance to build up his confidence. If he's anything like my DH, he'll start to enjoy it much more as baby gets a little bigger and starts to interact more.

At 9 weeks I felt the same as your DH but here I am: 2 years later and 7 months pregnant

Bornsloppy · 17/03/2022 11:42

It's very early days - there's no need to think that's it. I didn't want another baby for about 2 years after our first, probably not helped by the fact we had no time to have sex even if we'd wanted to because DC1 is a horrific sleeper. DH never mentioned it or made me feel like we had to have another one even though he really wanted another baby from about 12 mo onwards.

Enjoy your baby, you'll both find your groove as parents soon and enjoy your time as a new family. You don't get that solo 1:1 time as much with subsequent children so make the most of what you've got now.

MushroomCow99 · 17/03/2022 11:48

He's only nine weeks old... stop thinking about another baby and focus on the one you have?

I don't mean to be harsh but bilmey.

Original poster

Cccccccccc96 · 17/03/2022 11:59

@MushroomCow99 hi. I don’t mean to be harsh but DS is a very happy, healthy and loved little boy receiving unlimited of attention so I am focusing on him :)

Our plan to have a 2nd started before we had him as we talked about child’s age gaps. The only reason I’m doing this post is because what DP said upset me and I wanted to see if it’s normal feeling that at this stage!

It unlocked some feelings as the thought of never experiencing pregnancy and the early newborn stage again made me a bit sad as I loved every second with DS.

So yes you’ve kind of missed the point of this post :) ‘blimey’

OP posts:

Original poster

Cccccccccc96 · 17/03/2022 11:59

Unlimited amounts of attention*

OP posts:

MushroomCow99 · 17/03/2022 12:01

Your DP said he's struggling and your more concerned about yourself.

Says it all. Don't have another until your DP can learn to cope.

LadyMacduff · 17/03/2022 12:03

It sounds like a comment made in the heat of the moment. However, he is perfectly entitled to decide he doesn't want any more children and mean it, as are you.

Original poster

Cccccccccc96 · 17/03/2022 12:09

@MushroomCow99 no I’m not. You don’t know what goes on behind close doors or what I’m trying to do to help him adjust so please don’t be making comments about a relationship you’re judging from one post!

I haven’t included the whole conversation as it wasn’t needed but yes I am helping DP with his struggles so please do me a favour and find another thread to be moody and nit pick on!

OP posts:

DizzySquirrel90 · 17/03/2022 12:10

At 9 weeks old, I wouldn't want to have another baby either.

Things will change

Unsureaboutit9 · 17/03/2022 12:11

He’s already changed his mind though? He said it in the middle of the night when upset, and then this morning said he isn’t saying no that he just needs to think about it. So I think you are over reacting a little to be honest, sorry OP! You may be loving this time and that’s amazing, but lots of parents, mum and dads find this stage so so difficult, and it’s just one of a thousand phases the baby will go through. He’s totally normal having a wobble, doesn’t mean he won’t have more kids. I’d avoid putting pressure on him and just give yourselves a break. When ours were tiny we agreed not to make any decisions on a bad day, maybe this is something you could agree with your DP? Then you can discuss it properly when the baby is a little older and your DP may have found his feet more.

MushroomCow99 · 17/03/2022 12:12

Your posting to a public forum. Of course your going to get opinions.
I'm not being moody I'm being practical.
He said he's struggling to you, and your more invested in your feelings at probably a throw away comment. Your baby is nine weeks old, barely out of the newborn stage.. I'm not the only person whose said this either so why are you so invested in my comments but nobody else's?

Beees · 17/03/2022 12:14

To be honest I think his response is really normal. Many people say they want 2, 3, 4 or more children before they actually experience being a parent.

I always wanted several children and imagined myself with at least 2 but the reality of having a child is nothing like I'd imagined and therefore at the moment even 2 years on I'm content only having 1.

Thankfully my husband isn't offended that I changed my mind once we actually experienced what having a child was like.

Original poster

Cccccccccc96 · 17/03/2022 12:17

@MushroomCow99 yes that’s fine. So I’ll respond with my opinion too

Again I am focusing on DP, you don’t know what went on outside of what I said so yes he will be fine as I will support him and help him. I haven’t said that his comment upset me a bit as I wanted to ensure he was okay and not disregard his feelings. Hence why I posted here for advice

Other people have indeed said don’t worry with a 9week old baby, but they put it a lot nicer and weren’t so judgmental :)

OP posts:

Original poster

Cccccccccc96 · 17/03/2022 12:18

Thanks to everyone for the reasonable comments and advice!

If he has changed his mind that’s fine it will upset me you just adjust to things. But I did think is it maybe because we’re in a really difficult stage.

I am quite sleep deprived so maybe getting upset is a bit dramatic! But all feelings will settle down soon

Thanks again for the advice I just needed to hear an outside perspective

OP posts:

bobbythevet · 17/03/2022 12:18

My partner and I agreed that everything said until after the 4m sleep regression finishes is forgotten! It's a tough time, especially with your first

Wnikat · 17/03/2022 12:20

Honestly just leave it and do not discuss it again until you’ve both had a good night’s sleep in a few months time.

Flippanty · 17/03/2022 12:21

I’m more shocked that anyone would want a another when they have a nine week old don’t worry OP you are more the unusual one here that you still want another when you’re in the throes of the newborn stage! I think for the majority of people they need to be getting a bit more sleep and a tiny bit of their life back before they start thinking they might be able to go again.

herecomesthehotsteppa · 17/03/2022 12:27

I too, wouldn't want another one if my 9wk old was screaming so regularly like this.

Soon this stage will be over and all forgotten and he'll probably come around again. If not, cross that bridge when you come to it. It's not worth getting upset about now.

Aconitum · 17/03/2022 12:32

Perfectly normal. Try and stop worrying about it and both of you just concentrate on looking after your little one. We all say things when we are stressed and it's often just a reaction to a tricky situation. Just take each day as it comes and deal with that. You could do your head in thinking about what might or might not happen in the future and if you let it, it will spoil what you have. You are overloaded with hormones and your DH is terrified of doing something wrong but he's doing OK. Both of you will be OK. Most of the responses here have told you that so try not to pick up on the ones that you think are criticising you, they're not, they are just sharing their experiences with you.

Geranium1984 · 17/03/2022 12:46

The first 6 months are tough. Once they get beyond that they are much more interactive and start getting a bit more personality. He will come around.

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