Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Parenting

For free parenting resources please check out the Early Years Alliance's Family Corner.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

Sleeping arrangements

43 replies

Ct2026 · 16/03/2022 12:26

Hi all, I'm new here and my first thread.
I have been with OH for 3 years and have 5 sons which 4 live with me. I converted a room to a bedroom for eldest son (20), other son(18) has own room then 2 youngest (16+13) share as only have 3 bed house.
My issue is OH has 7 year daughter who stays most weekends but she has a bed in our adult room. She is unable to share with any of my sons but I feel that she shouldn't be sleeping in same room as me and father. That is our room for adult time and personal space. I have spoken to OH about this but he feels torn as he wants to see his daughter and spend time with her but also knows how unsettling it is for me having her in our room, as I don't sleep, rest or relax when she is there. My routine is broken and in all honesty I really just cannot deal with a 7 year old spoilt girl. When my sons are grown up and not as needy or spoilt.

Am I being unreasonable in thinking maybe she shouldn't stay over? We have nowhere else for her to sleep, OH said he would sleep on the other sofa while she was here but that is not the issue. The issue is I don't want her in my bedroom. That is mine and OH private personal adult space.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 16/03/2022 12:31

Did your partner move in with you or did you get a place together?

Hockeyboysmum · 16/03/2022 12:32

Cant the 7yr old or one of the 2 older boys sleep on sofa? Or the 2 older boys share at weekends?

Beamur · 16/03/2022 12:37

It's unreasonable to say she can't stay.
You need to find a workable solution. Calling her spoilt and needy rather suggests you have a bit of a problem with her coming. She is only 7 and perhaps you're more used to older kids.
Your OH needs to step up and make her feel at home.
Maybe your older boys could share a room when she's staying and she could use their room or one of them could sleep on the sofa?

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

7 year olds Families General parenting

Original poster

Ct2026 · 16/03/2022 12:41

Partner moved in with me and my sons. As I said 2 already share and my 18yr, has his partner stay once or twice a week. My 20 works various shifts so any of my sons sleeping on the sofa is not an option. OH won't allow her to sleep downstairs on her own he still treats her like she's 2yr old

OP posts:

AnneLovesGilbert · 16/03/2022 12:43

You can’t live together if there isn’t space for all the children in your families. Why is this now a problem and not before you discussed him moving in?

Beamur · 16/03/2022 12:43

I wouldn't let a 7 year old sleep alone downstairs in a house either.

InDubiousBattle · 16/03/2022 12:44

Surely the best solution is that your partner moves back out to a place where he can take care of his dd. It doesn't mean the end of your relationship, just not living together until your situation housing wise is easier?

Hugasauras · 16/03/2022 12:47

It's not really nice that a 7yo who is there most weekends either has to share with her stepmother or be on a sofa downstairs. It doesn't sound like you have space in that house for all the people who need to be there, so I'm surprised you moved in together at all. It also sounds like you don't like her, calling her a '7yo spoilt girl' so I'm sure that doesn't help the situation.

Original poster

Ct2026 · 16/03/2022 12:48

I am more used to older children now and now my sons are older I have returned working full time as does my OH. I admit I do struggle sometimes with younger children. She has only recently started staying over so wasn't discussed before him moving in as she always stayed at her grandparents. He would just see her 4-5 times a week after work and school etc.

OP posts:

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 16/03/2022 12:50

He doesn't sound that good a dad, and you don't sound particularly fond of her. Poor thing.

Original poster

Ct2026 · 16/03/2022 12:51

I have suggested to my OH that when he has his daughter he should stay at his parents house with her or possibility of him moving back with them but he says no and he doesn't want to

OP posts:

InDubiousBattle · 16/03/2022 12:59

What reasonable alternative is he suggesting though? There isn't space for everyone to have a room, it isn't practical for the dc to share and you can't have people kipping on sofas every weekend (especially not small children).
Tbh it sounds very much like you intended for his dd to be an occasional visitor rather than being a step parent and home for her so now things have changed and her overnights have increased it's not unreasonable that he has to change too and the obvious solution is him living elsewhere. However much he doesn't want to.

Ikeptgoing · 16/03/2022 12:59

That sounds fine OP
A make up bed in your bedroom.

You can make a small single trundle bed with some wood and wheels and buy a single mattress for it you or DP is handy , that can live under your bed if you have room. It buy a camp bed- we got ours in sales at Go outdoors (£20 usually £30) for a really good one with a camping small air mattress (so is thin, the red one) for £14.98 which makes a very easy to pack away bed. Or a good thick blow up single mattress for £20 with her own duvet set she chooses and or sleeping bag.

DSD could sleep downstairs if you have a spare room like a separate dining room you can move table aside for. Or even in the lounge but she's young so will have an earlier bedtime.

I think it is reasonable for her to share your bedroom until one of your boys eventually move out. Although I suspect you'd share that bedroom out to the resident boys.

Blended families have to fit in and it's fair that resident children have their own beds & bedrooms. And she can't share with the boys.

All my DC3- boys and girls- teenagers 14-19 share one bedroom when they stay at their Dads.. But they are related obviously. Sometimes my son sleeps downstairs. Dad /stepmum have 4 bedrooms- two little girl (half sisters to my DCs) who are toddlers in the other 2 beds and dad and stepmum in their bedroom.

Tbh my DCs rarely go to dads or he arranges air b&b bc stepmum "is a bit funny" as she doesn't like her stepDCs staying - so it's more few times a year instead of EOW- and our DCs resent it a bit that they aren't often allowed to stay at Dad's house.

So it's good you are being accommodating. They will all thank you for making it work, when they are older. My DCs love seeing their half sisters and would equally love it if they were stepsisters.

whysoserious123 · 16/03/2022 13:08

It's not your fault OP you don't have enough rooms and no way is it a good idea to have SD ( or any child) sleeping in your room, it's not beneficial to anyone. Your older two children should not be forced to share that's unacceptable. Course SD can sleep downstairs on a blow up mattress etc or SD and your partner go to his parents when she stays over. He has moved in with you not the other way around remember that

Ikeptgoing · 16/03/2022 13:11

I appreciate there is the option of sometimes DD staying at grandmas with her dad, but your DP lives with you now. And they should come as a package DP and his DD when she stays. It's only 2 nights a week? Not even 50% of the time.

As I said, my DCs resent their dad and stepmum as even before she had children with my exH she made it awkward (despite having the room in their house) , they moved 3 hours drive away (5 in traffic)
So when dad suddenly stopped seeing them much, only few times a year instead of EOW (that's his doing as much as his new wife's), it was unkind on DCs.

I would want to support your DP as he is obviously an involved and good dad who will be a great role model for your sons.

I hope you can get over the strangeness and newness of DSD sleeping in your bedroom over weekends. It is a separate bed. She may seems spoilt, meh. Blended families face challenges like that. As long as she knows not to touch your stuff or go in your wardrobes/ drawers. Can you make her a drawer from your OHs side? And a box for her toys?

Any kindness you do now, to make her feel welcome will be an investment - if that's how you want to look at it- in happy family relationships forever more if your OH is "the one". Or there will be resentment ahead from OH and from DSD. It's hard enough to navigate through anyway without adding in adult driven difficulties. You could be a blended family together for another 50 years!!! Your sons will have a stepsister for longer... best to try to get everyone to value each other and get on.

GreMay1 · 16/03/2022 13:16

@AnneLovesGilbert

You can’t live together if there isn’t space for all the children in your families. Why is this now a problem and not before you discussed him moving in?

Exactly this OP!!

GreMay1 · 16/03/2022 13:20

I would be pissed off it was my my child.... why should your SD sleep at her grandparents each time she wants to spend time with her father?

You should of questioned this BEFORE you let your OH move in your 3 bed. Totally unreasonable to complain about it after the fact. Perhaps you and OH should not live together because his priority is his own daughter

twinsetandpearl · 16/03/2022 13:24

Your 20 old needs to think about finding his own place soon especially with an girlfriend in tow.... he's an adult

Original poster

Ct2026 · 16/03/2022 13:28

As posted above, she stayed at her grandparents and only recently started staying at my house. He would see after work and school. So was not discussed at time of moving in. I have also stated to him his priority is his daughter and suggested he get his own place and suggested he stays at her parents with her. None of my sons slept in my bedroom and I'm struggling now after all these years actually having a child in with me.

OP posts:

Original poster

Ct2026 · 16/03/2022 13:31

Easy to say my sons should move out at 20 and 18 but this has always been their home and when it is financially viable for them to move out they will.

OP posts:

GreMay1 · 16/03/2022 13:33

It's not the grandparents responsibility. Your partner should have his own house. You need to look from both sides OP.

Sprucewillis · 16/03/2022 13:35

Why did you invite this man to live in your home. You knew he had a daughter. The problem is definitely you on this one. YABVU. It is not the 7yo DD's fault you don't like her. It's not her DD's fault either. She should definitely have her own space - same as your PB's. Was she staying at her GP's before because that's where her DD also lived? I think you should set them both free.

Beamur · 16/03/2022 14:20

This is the responsibility of the father to sort and no-one else really.
He's being pretty selfish and not really considering either his DD or his partner. The OP has a full house. I wouldn't want to be sharing a room with a child I wasn't related to. As the mother of a DD I wouldn't be happy with the room share either, or a child sleeping alone downstairs.
It's not the OP's problem to fix but I can't see this ending well. The Dad ought to prioritise his child but it's not looking like that's very likely.

TonkaTruckduck · 16/03/2022 14:33

Your DP sounds like a peach. Why doesn't he have his own place, cheaper and easier to live with you I guess.

LittleOwl153 · 16/03/2022 15:08

I don't think this is OPs problem to solve. Why should her sons be forced out before they are ready to make way for a 'second family'. That could have significant emotional impacts as well as financial ones on them.

I don't think it's right for a 7yr old to be sleeping in a room with an adult who is not her parent. What is the longer term plan here? I can tell you my 9yr old would not have wanted to be in a room with her dad let along another adult. Does DP think the situation will force one of your boys out before his dd objects? (As her mother I would be saying this was unsuitable too...).

And absolutely you are entitled as an adult homeowner to private space away from your own kids as well as your partners much young kids. (I don't suppose your dp is paying much towards this overcrowded mess either is he?)

The kid is entitled to see her dad, and her mother is entitled to expect him to take her overnight. However the current arrangement is not suitable - but I suspect you are going to have to ban her from your room before he will do anything different!

Flip

1 2