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Parenting

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Original poster

Sleeping arrangements

43 replies

Ct2026 · 16/03/2022 12:26

Hi all, I'm new here and my first thread.
I have been with OH for 3 years and have 5 sons which 4 live with me. I converted a room to a bedroom for eldest son (20), other son(18) has own room then 2 youngest (16+13) share as only have 3 bed house.
My issue is OH has 7 year daughter who stays most weekends but she has a bed in our adult room. She is unable to share with any of my sons but I feel that she shouldn't be sleeping in same room as me and father. That is our room for adult time and personal space. I have spoken to OH about this but he feels torn as he wants to see his daughter and spend time with her but also knows how unsettling it is for me having her in our room, as I don't sleep, rest or relax when she is there. My routine is broken and in all honesty I really just cannot deal with a 7 year old spoilt girl. When my sons are grown up and not as needy or spoilt.

Am I being unreasonable in thinking maybe she shouldn't stay over? We have nowhere else for her to sleep, OH said he would sleep on the other sofa while she was here but that is not the issue. The issue is I don't want her in my bedroom. That is mine and OH private personal adult space.

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Luckygreenduck · 16/03/2022 15:17

Could your older sons share on the nights she stays? Then either your SD or you could sleep in one of the boys room for the night?
If there is a girlfriend then is that son not likely to just stay at hers on those nights?
Do you already sleep in the lounge if it is a 3 bed?

Luckygreenduck · 16/03/2022 15:18

Probably best for you to stay in the son's room and free up your room for either the child or her and her dad. Not sure what a 7 year old would find in a teenage boys bedroom haha!

Original poster

Ct2026 · 16/03/2022 15:58

It is not possible for my oldest sons to share as they work different shifts different days all kind of hours. I certainly will not tell them to move out of their home either. OH does pay his way but is a bit of an ostrich, as he buries his head hoping it will go away. I workfull time and so he does he on different shifts so if SD is staying its very difficult if I'm on a 4am start to not disturb her as she is in our room.
Our room is the only room in the whole house which is out of bounds for all the children including my sons as its my personal space and my adult time even though my sons are older.
All the suggestions I have made to try and solve this OH does not want. But I have said he can't have it all his own way.
This has only recently come up as like I said before he was always working and only saw her when he could now before and just after he moved in with me, so seeing his daughter was fine as we would see her most days for few hours, then his shifts have changed recently so now he can have her overnight stay with us. But it's a major struggle with where she sleeps. I can't deal with a third person in my room especially a child as its my little sanction and selfish space. Yes it does sound selfish but with my job you do just want to be in your own space and quiet.
SD is 7 now but even that to me seems wrong to be sleeping in our room at her age. Her mother doesn't really care as long as she has her child free

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Tidlo · 16/03/2022 16:05

This is so easily fixable. Get a sofabed in your living room and sleep down there when she's over and she has your room.

The fact you can't see this and I imagine wouldn't be willing to do makes me think you don't truly love your partner nor are up to having a blended family. The disdain for that poor child seeps through and she will pick up on it and it will damage her. Break up with him.

GlitteryGreen · 16/03/2022 16:13

@Ct2026

I have suggested to my OH that when he has his daughter he should stay at his parents house with her or possibility of him moving back with them but he says no and he doesn't want to

I think he's unreasonable to say no to this tbh, especially as he moved into your existing home.

My DP stays at his parents 9/10 times he has the SCs as there is a bedroom for them all there.

It doesn't mean you won't spend any time together.

GlitteryGreen · 16/03/2022 16:13

PS. When SC's stay with us, they have our room and we sleep on a blow up (invested in a decent one) in the living room.

PeacefulPrune · 16/03/2022 16:17

What 7 year old isn't needy?

What's your solution?

Original poster

Ct2026 · 16/03/2022 16:20

Thank you for all your opinions and views!
I don't think I put the full story across.
Where as SD was coming over after school and work several times a week from the beginning yes i did struggle a little but then made an effort, took her swimming, dance class, helped with spellings and reading etc and always made her feel welcome. I still do now (even though I do call her spoilt) my view is at that age she shouldn't be sleeping in our room and should have her own space like she does at her grandparents and mother's house. My job and shifts make it difficult when she stays as does my OH shift patterns but also as selfish as it sounds our room is my personal space and adult. All the kids have the run of the house and every room just not my room.

Your views and opinions have given me a lot to think about especially about the future and also how to solve it.

Thank you

OP posts:

gogohm · 16/03/2022 16:23

It's his responsibility to move out then or you need to move to a bigger house, his daughter deserves to spend time with her dad, him moving into your house is not appropriate for her needs

GlitteryGreen · 16/03/2022 16:34

I don't think you're wrong not to want her in your room with you, I would not want that, but I do think you need to work with your DP to find a solution that isn't her not staying anymore.

As I said though, I do think he's being unfair not to go to his parents with her, especially if staying over was not, and was not expected to be, the situation when you agreed to move in together.

For us, the best solution has definitely been DP & I staying in the living room. It means SCs can still go to bed on time and we can still keep the living space free in the evenings.

Original poster

Ct2026 · 16/03/2022 16:39

That is the option I can put to OH other than that it will be for him to either get his own place or stay at his parents with her. I over come the struggle in the beginning of having a little one around again as all mine are a lot older and I'm now working full time with a very demanding brutal job. I just can't get past her being in my room and couldn't really see how to deal with it, especially when he ignores what I'm trying to say and explain how I feel and why

OP posts:

MissMaple82 · 16/03/2022 16:40

Wow!!! Where the heck else do you expect her to sleep?? Maybe grow up or tell your adult son to move out!

MissMaple82 · 16/03/2022 16:41

It sounds like you hate his daughter to be honest..

Blossom64265 · 16/03/2022 16:42

She should have her own bed in her father’s home and it should not be in your room at that age. With unrelated adult males in the house I would not have her sleeping on the sofa . She needs a bedroom. If that can’t be provided in this house, he should move out.

Thinking that it is acceptable for a father to not have his daughter in his own home means you are not suited to be dating a man with a child.

oatlattetogo · 16/03/2022 16:54

It’s not ideal for her to be sleeping in your room at her age, especially as she’s with you every weekend. I still don’t really understand how you moved in together without properly discussing this. Was his solution for her to sleep in your room from the start, or did he say he would stay with her at his parents and then change his mind?

Unless you make him move out the only viable solution seems to be for you and your partner to sleep in the living room on the nights where she’s with you, and for her to have your room. With early bedtimes and things it’s not practical for your partner’s daughter to sleep in the living room and it wouldn’t be fair on your sons to expect them to share every weekend.

Do ignore those suggesting that you should be trying to get your 20 year old to move out. While you are happy with them living at home it’s a ridiculous suggestion and very unfair on you and your son.

Ikeptgoing · 18/03/2022 08:37

I disagree with other PPs

There's no harm in DSD sleeping in separate bed in OP and DPs shared bedroom and the adults trying to accommodate. It's only for a while a few years whilst she's younger as at some point her older DS will move out of home. DP could try to alternate so they stay at grandmas. It's DP that hasn't thought this through as he moved in to his gfs house without a plan or big enough house for when his DD started to want to stay over.

Ultimately if it doesn't work then DP needs to think about getting his own accomodation.

But plenty of blended families with larger families find a way to make 'not big enough houses' work for everyone to be able to spend time together and sleep over. I suspect we are only talking about sat night to have the whole weekend with Dad which isn't unreasonable for OP to try to accommodate, on that one night- and DP to accept his DD can stay one night but not two in a row.

I'd be unimpressed if is been invited to move in and my OH tried to put in barriers to my spending time with my DCs & having my child stay over, when we had agreed to live together.

As I said in earlier posts, If DP "is the one" then they will all spend 50+ years being a blended family together and it leads to resentment if the non resident DCs aren't allowed to stay over and if contact tails off.

Change123today · 18/03/2022 09:07

Please dont exclude the step daughter from this blended family life - she is 7 and you as an adult are already calling her spoilt and the words you use comes across a little resentment of this little person. Who has a bed at her Mums and her Grandparents. Yet her own father hasn’t made an effort to ensure that she has her own space - I agree you do need your own personal space.
But so does that little girl to be made to feel part of her fathers life.
Why he moved in with you while the house isn’t suitable Ive no idea! Maybe he hoped the eldest would be moving out i don’t know - ironic as you said this is your sons home. Which is true but it should also be his daughters home as well.
He only has a few years to make her feel welcome or he will loose her. She will hit teenage years - remember that no space was made for her expect a temp bed in her Dads room and it will be too late for a healthy relationship.
Sad really that a parent didn’t think about their child needs.

crispmidnightpeace · 18/03/2022 11:44

@Ct2026

Partner moved in with me and my sons. As I said 2 already share and my 18yr, has his partner stay once or twice a week. My 20 works various shifts so any of my sons sleeping on the sofa is not an option. OH won't allow her to sleep downstairs on her own he still treats her like she's 2yr old

That girl needs her own room in her dad's house. Make that happen as you chose to get with someone who has a 7 year old child. That child is having her life disrupted having to move between homes and her dad obviously wants to spend as much time with her as he can. Having a problem with her staying is having a problem with him having access to his child. Does he know you feel this way? In my view he should go and find someone who respects his relationship with his child and leave you and your precious sons in your 3 bed happy together.

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