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Original poster

Smoking & babies??

28 replies

Girlmum21 · 13/03/2022 01:51

I need help.. maybe for me maybe for baby. So in June my dad passed away from COPD & lung clot when i was 20 weeks pregnant. He passed away due many years of smoking (astrazeneca jab he had 2 weeks before passing did not help but thats a story for another time🥲) my baby girl was 8 weeks premature due to me having preeclampsia (she is now 6 months but corrected to 4), my father in law who only just started smoking last year (🥲) is around my baby daily, now this is where i don’t know if i’m going crazy. He does not wash his hands after a cigarette, does not change jumper and if i’m downstairs sorting her a bottle and he comes in from a cigarette and he hears her crying he heads straight up to see her. Now i know thats sweet but i feel like i have PTSD from my dad smoking its where i cant hold or pick up anything to do with smoking. My mums in a mental health facility since my dad passed away who smokes and i need to get my partner to buy and drop her cigarettes because i cant touch them. I feel like the trauma of watching my dad go through what he did lives with me each day and although i know my daughter will not suffer like my dad did the thought of passive smoking SCARES ME. My partner brushes it off like im going crazy. What do i do?

OP posts:
Blossom64265 · 13/03/2022 01:55

He shouldn’t be anywhere near her after smoking. It’s not just your trauma. You can look up third hand smoke and infants if you need help explaining the problem to your family.

sjxoxo · 13/03/2022 02:00

Wow so sorry you have experienced this op. Yes as pp has said; not good for baby. Stay strong xx

Kitkat151 · 13/03/2022 02:09

Passive smoking increases the risk of SIDS .....nip it in the bud now

Original poster
Girlmum21 · 13/03/2022 02:19

My partner makes me feel like i’m going crazy and brushes it off

OP posts:
PartyPlan · 13/03/2022 02:21

Do you live in his house? I wouldn’t be happy with that either

Kitkat151 · 13/03/2022 02:23

@Girlmum21

My partner makes me feel like i’m going crazy and brushes it off
But you let him put your child at risk of SIDS? Why would you do this?
Original poster
Girlmum21 · 13/03/2022 02:27

Yeah were waiting for our renovations to be completed i’ve said to my partner sooooo many times but feel like he feels like i’m just moaning at his dad. I’m not. I get anxious when he holds her due to the smoke i DONTT want to feel like this because i know how much he loves her and she loves him. I just worry what she is breathing in esp so small x

OP posts:
Original poster
Girlmum21 · 13/03/2022 02:35

So you tell a grandparent they cant hold their grandchild? Not that easy hun

OP posts:
Coyoacan · 13/03/2022 02:35

What is the actual percentage of babies that get SIDS from passive smoking? Both my parents were heavy smokers back in the day when everyone smoked and nobody thought about the children.

My sister has just turned 79 and my brother 73.

I'm sorry about your dad. I just gave up smoking over a year ago. It's a horrible addiction.

Kitkat151 · 13/03/2022 02:40

@Girlmum21

Yeah were waiting for our renovations to be completed i’ve said to my partner sooooo many times but feel like he feels like i’m just moaning at his dad. I’m not. I get anxious when he holds her due to the smoke i DONTT want to feel like this because i know how much he loves her and she loves him. I just worry what she is breathing in esp so small x
She’s breathing in smoke OP...each and every time .....show your partner one of those YouTube videos on passive smoking.....show your partner the studies that show that babies who are subjected to passive smoking have nicotine levels so high they may as well be smokers....show your partner the research that shows a correlation between passive smoking an sudden infant death syndrome......you are right to be scared OP .....your baby needs at least one of her parents to keep her safe
Kitkat151 · 13/03/2022 02:43

@Coyoacan

What is the actual percentage of babies that get SIDS from passive smoking? Both my parents were heavy smokers back in the day when everyone smoked and nobody thought about the children.

My sister has just turned 79 and my brother 73.

I'm sorry about your dad. I just gave up smoking over a year ago. It's a horrible addiction.

The SIDS risk is increased between 4 and 9 times that of a non smoker ( depending on the number of cigarettes smoked around a baby) ....take a look at the Lullaby Trust website if you’re interested
Kitkat151 · 13/03/2022 02:47

@Girlmum21

So you tell a grandparent they cant hold their grandchild? Not that easy hun
I’m not your hun🙄.... you jog on then OP .... your child ....your risk to take .... not sure whether you’re naive, selfish or just plain stupid
Original poster
Girlmum21 · 13/03/2022 02:53

I’m absolutely none of the above choose how you answer questions, you asked why i’d put my baby at chance of SIDS when that is my absolute fear and trigger as you can tell from my post above

OP posts:
LouMoo13 · 13/03/2022 03:07

He needs to stop holding her after smoking. Difficult conversation though with a grandparent... can you speak to a health visitor for advice then put it on them... I.r. "I was talking to the HV and they've told me that..."

Kitkat151 · 13/03/2022 03:15

So if this is your fear and both your partner and FIL are ambivalent about passive smoking you need to be the one who steps up to protect your baby......you say you are scared... ....So educate them around the risks.....don’t let your FIL hold your baby unless he has washed his hands....changed his clothes. You need to be strong for your child....you sound very young ( and this is not a criticism) ....have you anyone who could support you with this?

If my last post made you angry....maybe that’s good....maybe you need to be angry.....as you are coming across as very passive.....again that’s not a criticism...merely an observation.
I hope for both you and your baby’s sake you find the strength to stop your FILs behaviours.....good luck

Tlollj · 13/03/2022 03:24

Your fil started smoking last year?
You need to say something I’m afraid there is no other way. Your partner isn’t going to.

GiraffesInScarfs · 13/03/2022 03:30

OP I am so sorry for your loss and trauma.

There is huge hysteria about this, though. If he's not actually smoking near your child as I understand it, and you're just worrying about lingering chemicals etc after him having smoked, the risk is absolutely tiny and unsubstantiated. If he was smoking in a room with her there, that is an issue. Going off elsewhere and smoking and them being around her, not really. Concentrations of anything would not be enough to be damaging as far as any credible, peer reviewed academic literature is concerned, as far as I know. A lot of hysteria about this is US import, unfortunately.

It's so normal to be very anxious just after having a baby. I was myself. We can become fixated on tiny, tiny risks while we accept far larger risks doing everyday things. The chances of this harming your child are waaaayyyy lower than when you take her out in her buggy for a walk, or in a car. Rationally, this is no something worth getting worked up about. Have you tried CBT?

Kitkat151 · 13/03/2022 03:32

@GiraffesInScarfs

OP I am so sorry for your loss and trauma.

There is huge hysteria about this, though. If he's not actually smoking near your child as I understand it, and you're just worrying about lingering chemicals etc after him having smoked, the risk is absolutely tiny and unsubstantiated. If he was smoking in a room with her there, that is an issue. Going off elsewhere and smoking and them being around her, not really. Concentrations of anything would not be enough to be damaging as far as any credible, peer reviewed academic literature is concerned, as far as I know. A lot of hysteria about this is US import, unfortunately.

It's so normal to be very anxious just after having a baby. I was myself. We can become fixated on tiny, tiny risks while we accept far larger risks doing everyday things. The chances of this harming your child are waaaayyyy lower than when you take her out in her buggy for a walk, or in a car. Rationally, this is no something worth getting worked up about. Have you tried CBT?

WTAF.... I despair🙄
TwoAndCooPlease · 13/03/2022 03:34

Aw sweet, you aren't crazy! You're just suffering and need some support what a shame x

We have a few family members who are dirty smokers - like you described. Don't wash hands after cigarette, keep same smelly coat on, no chewing gum and just plane disrespect for non smokers in their company (fwiw I am a smoker)

It is totally not unreasonable to ask DP to have a word re this. Don't feel like it is your job to but you can if you're comfortable doing so

Have you spoken to gp about your anxiety?

GiraffesInScarfs · 13/03/2022 03:51

WTAF.... I despair🙄

Despair all you like. Please show us the academic research which shows that "third hand smoke" (i.e. just a smoker being in a room after having smoked) results in child deaths or health damage? Passive smoking (second hand smoke) can. But there is no credible evidence for these suggestions that a smoker will harm a baby if they don't change clothes before holdint them etc.

So zero recorded deaths from that, compared to the number of babies that we know die in car accidents, accidents in the home etc.

You may not like smoking. That's fine. But OP is clearly anxious and it helps to understand statistical risk levels.

She may find this unpleasant and not want it to happen - that's totally fine too. It's smelly and not nice. But that's different to her believing hysteria about it being dangerous.

From a risk perspective this is not something that should be ramping up her anxiety, and it's always good to look at facts and have an idea of the actual level of risk involved in different things.

Kitkat151 · 13/03/2022 03:58

@GiraffesInScarfs

WTAF.... I despair🙄

Despair all you like. Please show us the academic research which shows that "third hand smoke" (i.e. just a smoker being in a room after having smoked) results in child deaths or health damage? Passive smoking (second hand smoke) can. But there is no credible evidence for these suggestions that a smoker will harm a baby if they don't change clothes before holdint them etc.

So zero recorded deaths from that, compared to the number of babies that we know die in car accidents, accidents in the home etc.

You may not like smoking. That's fine. But OP is clearly anxious and it helps to understand statistical risk levels.

She may find this unpleasant and not want it to happen - that's totally fine too. It's smelly and not nice. But that's different to her believing hysteria about it being dangerous.

From a risk perspective this is not something that should be ramping up her anxiety, and it's always good to look at facts and have an idea of the actual level of risk involved in different things.

You can’t argue with stupid.....that’s me out of here
TwoAndCooPlease · 13/03/2022 04:00

For goodness sake this new mum just recently lost her dad from copd and lung clot following years of smoking. She was halfway through pregnancy at the time so imagine the stress and upset she must have gone through also with an unsupportive partner. Then, she is strong enough to talk about her anxiety and it's made worse on here!!

GiraffesInScarfs · 13/03/2022 04:06

You can’t argue with stupid.....that’s me out of here

Indeed. So calling me "stupid" but no reputable studies to back up your false claims, which will likely worsen the OP's anxeity. Hmmmmm....

GiraffesInScarfs · 13/03/2022 04:07

@TwoAndCooPlease

For goodness sake this new mum just recently lost her dad from copd and lung clot following years of smoking. She was halfway through pregnancy at the time so imagine the stress and upset she must have gone through also with an unsupportive partner. Then, she is strong enough to talk about her anxiety and it's made worse on here!!
Exactly.
hellointhere · 13/03/2022 04:18

I really sympathise, I am pregnant and have family who smoke too and I find it extremely stressful infact I have regular nightmares about them continuing to smoke once my baby is born!
I was very nervous to do this, but I confronted them (in a group chat) about it and miraculously, they agreed to quit before baby is here!
It's certainly not out of the blue, they've known for years that I hate their smoking. And months prior I also requested they stop smoking indoors.
I recommend stating how you feel and your boundaries as calm and confident as you can. One family member has not responded, but two have agreed to quit.
I wish you luck