To wonder how other low paid working mums manage to not neglect their kids?

[Greenleif]

Just that really.

I guess I made the mistake of having children young and before any sort of career. I'm 35 now and I work evenings/nights to work around my DH because we can't afford to pay for nursery costs for our youngest or wrap around school clubs for the older two.
DH is self employed and his pay has varied massively over the last few years, but I don't think we're entitled to any gov top-ups and I'm extremely wary of the welfare system having been severely burned by the whole thing and put into debt when they miscalculated things as a single mum.

I am so exhausted, I get one evening off a week on average and I don't have the energy to go over homework/reading with my children let alone spend quality time. The days are spent waking up tired and struggling to get through.
I'm sick of not being able to look after the house or my children properly. I feel like running away and ending it all.

I get how you’re feeling, I really do.
I’m a single parent to 3 young DCs. My marriage ended last year. I work evenings/nights on the days the DCs are with their dad because I can’t afford childcare for the youngest DC.
I’m also studying. So I either have the Dcs with me and am studying in the evenings after they’ve gone to bed, or on the days I don’t have them I’m working, sleeping off a night shift or studying. Feels like their aren’t enough hours in the day. Social life is practically non-existent. I’m lucky in the sense that the guy I’m dating works pretty unsociable hours too, so we can usually spend a couple of hours together after our shifts before we both inevitably pass out and sleep like logs.
My body clock is all over the place because I have to switch between normal day time mum 4 days a week, then switch to night work mode 3 days a week and back again. I feel permanently exhausted.
I know it will get easier as the DCs get older when I can work normal day time hours, and when I’ve finished my studies but right now that feels a long way off! I also feel major mum guilt/jealousy towards my exH, because he has the DCs every weekend so I can work, therefore he gets them for all their fun time and I get a few hours after school days that are still chock full of reading, homework, cooking dinner and all the other household shit. They come home telling me of all the fun places they’ve been with dad, and I’m insanely jealous/guilty about it.

I think first you should get to know the welfare system much better. I know you are saying you don't trust it but if you understand it you won't have to trust it, you just need to trust yourself.

Secondly, all of the people in your house need to pull their weight. Sorting washing, tidying up, cleaning the shower-whatever. They can all do something.

Listen to them read either in the car or while you are cooking or over breakfast. Something like that. Or at before/after care.

Why is it just your job or rather Mum's? Your children have a father living with them.in my DDs case, we all help out. My GC are being raised in an extended family. If you haven't got that, then it is hard going. I wouldn't say that the children are neglected, there's only so much anyone can do.

You need to check exactly what you can claim.

your husband needs to step up. What does he do with the kids? can he go into employment for a more stable income?

Can your dh listen to them read and do homework with them?
If your dh and kids are all at home after school, can they all have a chore to do each day? The home is everyone’s responsibility, not just yours.

@Ponoka7

Why is it just your job or rather Mum's? Your children have a father living with them.in my DDs case, we all help out. My GC are being raised in an extended family. If you haven't got that, then it is hard going. I wouldn't say that the children are neglected, there's only so much anyone can do.

DH does washing up, bed times, cooks for them,hoovers..he's just shit at the homework/reading/getting stuff ready for the school runs the next morning etc type of man

DH works in construction. Two years ago he earnt nearly 40k but the last year closer to 25k. I can barely cope with the admin of general bills etc let alone navigating the universal credit nightmare monthly.

@Ringmaster27

I get how you’re feeling, I really do. I’m a single parent to 3 young DCs. My marriage ended last year. I work evenings/nights on the days the DCs are with their dad because I can’t afford childcare for the youngest DC. I’m also studying. So I either have the Dcs with me and am studying in the evenings after they’ve gone to bed, or on the days I don’t have them I’m working, sleeping off a night shift or studying. Feels like their aren’t enough hours in the day. Social life is practically non-existent. I’m lucky in the sense that the guy I’m dating works pretty unsociable hours too, so we can usually spend a couple of hours together after our shifts before we both inevitably pass out and sleep like logs. My body clock is all over the place because I have to switch between normal day time mum 4 days a week, then switch to night work mode 3 days a week and back again. I feel permanently exhausted. I know it will get easier as the DCs get older when I can work normal day time hours, and when I’ve finished my studies but right now that feels a long way off! I also feel major mum guilt/jealousy towards my exH, because he has the DCs every weekend so I can work, therefore he gets them for all their fun time and I get a few hours after school days that are still chock full of reading, homework, cooking dinner and all the other household shit. They come home telling me of all the fun places they’ve been with dad, and I’m insanely jealous/guilty about it.

Virtual hug. It's so shit.

I've been thinking about taking a loan to go to college or university but realistically I just can't, childcare plus the fact we are a family of 5 living in a 2 bed house....the kids don't have anywhere to sit to do their homework, let alone me finding spot in the house somewhere away from them all to study.

@Ponoka7

Why is it just your job or rather Mum's? Your children have a father living with them.in my DDs case, we all help out. My GC are being raised in an extended family. If you haven't got that, then it is hard going. I wouldn't say that the children are neglected, there's only so much anyone can do.

I just get quite perplexed at how other parents in my position have the time or energy to do 'homework' (ie - their primary aged children's homework/reading/costumes for fucking World book day etc).

We have homework help at our local library on Saturday mornings. It’s usually teenagers doing duke of Edinburgh volunteering for it. See if there’s anything similar in your area? I used to take dcs to the library and do their homework and reading with them there. The change of environment and no other distractions helped a lot.

@Beechview

We have homework help at our local library on Saturday mornings. It’s usually teenagers doing duke of Edinburgh volunteering for it. See if there’s anything similar in your area? I used to take dcs to the library and do their homework and reading with them there. The change of environment and no other distractions helped a lot.

That sounds lovely. Without meaning to sound like a dick, if I had the time and energy to take her there on a Saturday morning, I'd have the time and energy to help her with it anyway iyswim. I have to work long shifts every other weekend.

If they're primary school children I wouldn't (don't) do any homework that they can't do entirely independently.

Prioritise reading. Do it in the morning over breakfast, or first thing when they come in from school while they have a snack - only needs to be 5 minutes.

If your DH struggles with packing bags for school, all sit down together and make a list of who needs what every day.
As part of bed time DH needs to check that each child has packed what they need for the next day. Anyone can manage that.

What job do you do?

I’m a full time working single parent but I work daytime hours which helps but I totally get that it’s tough.

I always do reading and a bit of homework with them at the weekend but we can’t manage it during the week so don’t. You just have to let go of the guilt!

Two things which I find really helpful. Mine read to themselves in bed at night. Books of their own choosing but at least I feel they’re doing some. And that’s easy to put in place - we just go to the charity shop every few weeks and I let them go wild!

Secondly I really encourage independent homework. Thy get a lot of praise for doing it by themselves. And usually a reward of some sort if they come in / sit down and do homework/ I don’t have to get involved. If it’s a bit shit I write “independent work” in their diaries.

Not sure if any of that’s helpful but I do feel your pain!

I understand OP.
My primary kids don't do homework unless they want to and can do it without me.
One does their reading for 10 mins before bed, one does it at breakfast. This is only 2-3 times a week tho.
All kids are responsible for packing their own school bags before bed.

It's hard, you're not neglecting them, just doing your best.

DH and I both work full time, we don't do the eldests homework bar his reading - which is done at the table at breakfast time.

Our nursery costs (after deducting tax free childcare) £40 a day, When I had ds1 I earned £65 a day, so we were still getting 'something' coming in even though it wasn't much - however, now Ds1 is 6 and thanks to staying in the workplace my income has more than doubled, it's hard bloody work while you're in the middle of it, DS2 will be in school and out of nursery next year and it';; make aa huge difference.

How old are your smaller ones? Would you be entitled to the 15 hours childcare once the youngest is 2? That may give you the respite you need once or twice a week, its so easy to forget yourself!

@Really18

What job do you do?

Domiciliary care work.

I think anything anyone suggests to help at the moment I'm going to shoot down, sorry. I genuinely don't want to carry on in this life anymore and I'm trying to find ways out of it. Seems there are none.

It's not just neglect with homework. It's neglect to the point of not wanting to be around my children because I'm "tired" or "getting ready for work" , stressing out trying to get them to school etc.

I just don't understand how we are supposed to cope living like this.

It's beyond hard but it will eventually get better.
Hold on to the good things in your life,your health,dc dh and their health,some days it's one hour at a time.don't give up,you can get through it.You can,you will.You are a fighter.🌈

You might actually be better off cutting your hours and topping up with benefits- but you won’t know until you go find out.
Urgh, what a heavy physical job for crap money - I can’t believe there’s all that pressure for that wage.
It’s admirable yous have struggled on and work, but it’s ok to take the foot off the gas and see if you can get a little financial help.

The only suggestion that I am going to offer is that, if you genuinely feel suicidal, you need to speak to your GP.

I think you probably need to speak to your GP and see if you can get some help with how you're feeling.

Also does your children's school have a parent support worker? Speak to them too. Where I work we can provide free breakfast club etc for families that need it.

It is hard. Me & DH are able to afford wrap around care for our DC's and I STILL struggle to stay on top of everything. Life is hard. You're doing your best and your best is enough.

I understand 😞

My dd told me the other day in floods of tears how she hates her life.
She hates how I don’t want to chat to her I’m the evenings.
She thinks I don’t love her
She hates that I’m always so busy
She hates that she occasionally has to do chores
She wanted to be an only child

She was most upset that I don’t seem to want to chat in evening.
It’s true. By the time I have done dinner etc etc, bathed kids I’m shattered and I need time alone but she’s taken it personally

Hi Greenleif,

We're really sorry to hear you are feeling this way.
We hope you don't mind, but when any of our users feel overwhelmed we often share the following Mental Health resources. You can also go to the Samaritans website or email them on [email protected]. Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek real-life help and support as well.

Some further support links:

NHS: Where to get urgent help for mental health
NHS: Looking after your mental health
MIND: Coping with mental health problems during coronavirus

CALM: The Campaign Against Living Miserably
NHS: Help for suicidal thoughts

We really hope things look a little brighter for you soon.