18 month postpartum - when will it get easier!?

[Serp]

Can anyone please give me some hope that I can get some sort of life back soon 😭

My little girl is 18 months and has been breastfed on demand since birth. We realised at about 8 weeks old that she had multiple allergies so I cut a few things out of my diet and she improved a lot, however I've found the restricted diet really hard to manage, but persevered. She was (and is) not a great sleeper - she woke every two hours or less until around 9 months, then had a good few weeks of only one wake up at around 12 months and now back to two or three wakes a night. Out of sheer laziness and to make it as easy as possible i breastfeed her to sleep every time and now she won't settle for anyone else.

I gently sleep trained a few weeks back and we made great progress, she was only wanting to feed once in the morning, before bed and once through the night and was self settling perfectly. however out of nowhere all that progress seems to be lost and she is back to feeding like a new born both day and night.

I know parenting isn't supposed to be easy and making sacrifices it a given, but I'm not sure how much more I can take. I don't sleep, I cant eat what I want due to the allergies, I cant go out socialising or to the gym or anything I used to enjoy because nobody can put her to bed or comfort her through the night, I have no friends left as a result. I've had to be signed off work with PND due to the severe sleep deprivation on top of everything else. I spend all of my spare time frantically googling and researching how I can improve sleep. My whole life is consumed by trying to fix the situation and I never ever get anywhere despite being so obsessed with it. I've tried a number of counsellors but they just don't seem to work for me.

I don't really know what I want help with. Im desperate to wean but can't do it, because I'm too weak and give in. The same with sleep training. Im just stuck in a rut and feel like there's no light at the end of the tunnel. 😔

You’re not weak. You’re just trying to do the impossible. You’re massively sleep deprived and depressed. You’re trying to look after everyone except yourself.
My advice?
Wean.
Sleep train.
It won’t be fun for a week or two but stick to it. Your child won’t be permanently damaged nor will they love you less.
Once you’re through it, you’ll be so glad you did it.

Seconding the above poster. She's 18 months, not a teeny tiny newborn. Wean and double down on the sleep training. She won't be damaged if you wean at 18 months and do some gentle (or even not so gentle) sleep training.

You're not weak, you're absolutely exhausted.

Yes, sacrifices have to be made but you are allowed to put yourself first when it’s in everyone’s best interest. BFing is making you ill and you have done so well to keep it up for this long.

Can you express and wean onto a bottle and then go from there?

You need to put yourself first, motherhood is not meant to be about completely sacrificing yourself for someone else. Step 1: stop breastfeeding. Cold turkey, immediately. Step 2: sort out the sleep. Everything else will fall into place.

How to wean? Go away for a few days. LO will be with their dad, who presumably they know well, and once you get back the habit will be broken.

OP, I could have written this. We were EXACTLY the same.

My DD is now 20 months and out of nowhere, I would say most nights she's sleeping pretty solidly and even when she does stir, she has started refusing the boob and turning over and settling herself.

She sleeps absolutely fine by herself at nursery, but at home its me or epic uncontrollable meltdowns.

You have so much pressure on at the moment - what respite can you get? A few hours for yourself should be a given.

With BF in the day, have you tried 'Dont offer, dont refuse'?

@AppleDoghnuts

Can you express and wean onto a bottle and then go from there?

Doesnt work with BF babies - they want the boob for comfort, not milk.

Do you have a partner who can help? I found it was better for DH to put our kids to bed as they could smell the milk on me & wanted to be fed to sleep. Not going to lie - it was a tough few weeks/months but it paid off.
At 18 months your DC shouldn't need to be feed multiple times at night - are they eating enough food during the day?

I found breast feeding increased in amount before it decreased again. By 2 years DD was sleeping through the night but now (2.5 yrs) she wakes a couple of times a night a quick 10 mins feed and we both go back to sleep. Sometimes she settles for DH.

What are your allergies? Are they iGE or none IGE? Have you been able to try the ladder with any of them? We are down to just two allergies and now and it’s much more manageable.

Thanks everyone, your advice to wean and sleep train is what I wanted and needed to hear. I'm 100% doing it this week. Not sure how yet, but it needs to be done.

I do have some support from baby's dad but he's not at home much due to working long hours etc. I am going to call in extra help though. Really considering going away for a few days, or increasing the time she spends at the childminder for a while to hopefully speed up the weaning process.

I never really got on with expressing and she never took a bottle - I feel like I'm best weaning her off milk all together rather than trying to introduce a bottle at this stage.

She's an okay eater - some days better than others. Usually she will have a big breakfast, snacky type lunch and a small tea, with a few snacks here and there. I think she'd probably eat more if she wasn't having so much milk.

Thanks for your encouragement, wish me luck 🤞🏼😣 @Instafreak231 @allfurcoatnoknickers @BeingATwatItsABingThing
@AppleDoghnuts
@konasana
@Butteryflakycrust83
@APurpleSquirrel
@Duracellbunnywannabe

@Duracellbunnywannabe our allergies are dairy, soy and eggs. For a while we thought some nuts and legumes but I think I was just panicking at that stage - we are deffo okay with those now. She seems okay on step one of the milk ladder, but I find it difficult to tell if she's reacting or showing signs of teething/colds etc when we try to progress. All allergies are non IGE - slight contact rash with eggs but I think it's a contact rash rather than an IGE reaction. Then again, she's only had it a handful of times so I wouldn't really know. I've been to nervous to start the egg ladder.

Allergies are so difficult to deal with. I have two children with allergies and I found doing the ladders is generally best in summer when there are not as many illnesses going around.

There is a great CMPA breastfeeding Facebook which is very supportive, especially when it comes to meal ideas and treats.

I would 100% night wean before any kind of sleep training. It was the magic bullet for us. We used the Jay Gordon method. Is your partner involved overnight?

I weaned my son at 18 months and he was obsessed! I started to feed before the bedtime routine, out of the bedroom, and then got my partner to do bedtimes for a few days (hard, but if there’s no boob on offer it’s easier for both of you ), and continued to do night feeds… they after a few more days stopped the night feeds and got my partner to go in (I think maybe dropped them slowly rather than all at once, though he stopped waking at night as much once he adjusted to not being fed to sleep). Then slowly cut it out from there.
The thought of it was worse than the reality. And there is hope, sleep does get better. You’ve done amazingly to feed for so long.

Meant to say, don’t go cold turkey as you’ll risk mastitis!

OP really feeling for you, cant believe how long you've been so exhausted! Everything will feel indescribably different once you get proper sleep. If you are struggling to see sleep training through please think about how much better off your daughter will be once she is sleeping properly and once she has a happy rested mother. You are not just doing this for you but for her too. You can't carry on breastfeeding her night and day. Weaning and sleep training will be hellish for a couple of weeks but then your life will feel heavenly afterwards. Good luck x

Definitely persevere with sleep training. You’re doing so well. I breastfed on demand to a similar age and only managed to wean by putting apple cider vinegar on my breasts…! People here sometimes say it’s cruel but we were out of ideas and I was at the end of my tether. My toddler was definitely not traumatised (would just pull a face and wander off) and gradually dropped without issue.

Oh my LO was the same till around 12 months however at 18 months he was only waking up once ... feed a full bowl of porridge or something stodgy just before bed ... then boob to sleep ...
we tried white noise which really helped , I downloaded an app and just played it on my phone throughout the night , my 5 year old still wakes once but just comes into our room and goes to sleep so it's not a problem compared to what he was like

I remember reading something about how sleep training (or whatever you do to sort the dreadful nights out) isn’t about putting yourself first. It’s about respecting the needs of the whole family. I think it’s a good way to think about it as there are going to be a lot of different parenting challenges ahead and I think it’s a more helpful mindset than thinking in terms of sacrifice or priorities. All members of the family are important and have different (often conflicting) needs and your job as the adult is to think of how to find the best way to try to meet them.
What you’re doing now isn’t healthy or sustainable for either of you. Yes, breast milk has benefits, but at this age they are significantly outweighed by the multiple night wakes and the impact on your health of living with this level of demand.
You’ll know your own situation best in terms of how and when you want to approach the end of feeding. Personally, I’d be finishing it completely and then assessing what the impact is on the sleep and then sleep training if needed. You will feel like a different person when you get a sleep and your own body back. And this will hopefully give you the strength to start tackling the PND by getting back some exercise and social life that you seem to miss so much. The whole family will be happier with you more rested.
Good luck with it all.

Thank you so much everyone, all your messages have given me the confidence to make a start with sleep training and I no longer feel so bad about it x

@AutumnVibes thank you so much, this has really changed my mind set and outlook on the situation. It's so so hard to stay committed and motivated which is why I think I'm in this situation but I think you've summed it up perfectly - it's not sustainable and the benefits are definitely outweighed now. Xx

OP she can manage to go to a childminder and not breastfeed so she doesn't need it. Just don't give her it during the day or during the night (she doesn't need milk during the night either). If she posters for milk do t give in, give her a snack instead.

I'm in a similar situation, same age DD but our crutch is co sleeping and she keeps me awake/is awake herself multiple times a night. Utterly depressed and exhausted, know I need to tackle it but don't have the energy. Anyway, not to hijack but PM me if you want a 'getting sleep sorted ' buddy!

Please look into getting some support from Calm and Bright sleep support xx

I feel you op! My lo is 18 months but is on cows milk. He literally doesn't sleep, he'll be awake for hours in the night even if he's napped well in the day! We're currently in the thick of sleep training, I can't say it's enjoyable but in the long run will be sooo much better for us all! Good luck! X