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Do I actually want a 2nd baby!

33 replies

Heyahun · 28/02/2022 15:06

How did you know you wanted a 2nd?

I have an 11 month old who we both absolutely adore - I was always 50/50 on wheater I even wanted a child at all - I was vey happy living the care free life with my husband - we did lots of travelling and partying etc

Finally at 33 & 43 we decided to go for it

Now she is here I absolutley love being a mum and don't even miss my old life all that much - in fact apart from the late night partying life feels the same just that we have an extra person
We take her everywhere with us and she's slotted in really well - we have a bunch of big trips coming up and a few music festivals in the summer which she will be joining us on

Now we are talking about whether we want a 2nd - I change my mind daily

I do think i'd love another - BUT the sensible voice in my head is saying - well we can't afford 2 nursery places, our house is only a 2 bed and i'd worry that we might not be able to afford all the things we love (Holidays, festivals etc)

What about others - did you just know for sure you wanted more? did you battle with it?

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Chely · 28/02/2022 16:13

Money can usually be stretched if you want more, rarely a perfect time for it. I think most just take the plunge and make everything work around the kids. You may have fewer luxuries in the early years but that could happen no matter how long you wait.

I get broody as soon as things seem easy. Enjoying our baby atm and after a rough birth I am reluctant to do it all again. Dh would like another so I may agree in a year or two.

whoruntheworldgirls · 28/02/2022 16:19

Wish i could help OP, mine in 5.5 and i battle with this daily, have done since she was about 3.
Things keep getting easier and easier as she gets older, do i want to go back to the baby stage? We also love holidays and they'd take a hit if have another. My daughter is adamant she doesn't want a sibling.
Babies are soooo cute though!

Heyahun · 28/02/2022 16:20

I know what you mean @Chely when we have a hard day or night with her - im like - no way am I doing this again

But if we have a great day with her I suddenly want another hahah

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Heyahun · 28/02/2022 16:27

@whoruntheworldgirls hahah I hear ya

I do sometimes think waiting til this one is at school - but then im also like wouldnt it be better to just do it sooner rather than later otherwise as you say you are goin way back to the baby stage haha

gawd its tough

I guess it depends on if we are willing to change our lifestyle a bit

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whoruntheworldgirls · 28/02/2022 16:40

It is tough Angry i wish there was a big flashing sign one way or another!
I don't feel bad if she were to be an only, she has loads of friends, there are other only's in her school year so she's not singled out, because we have the time and money to focus on her she has various clubs she goes to.
I just look back at her baby pictures and think how much i miss that stage, but maybe i miss her babyhood....
Argh!!!!!!!

bookofthewitch · 28/02/2022 16:43

No advice other than we are stuck on the fence too! There's a good Facebook group called 'one and done on the fence' for people with our exact issue Smile

Overtheroadroundthecorner · 28/02/2022 16:49

I just knew I always wanted 2 (or 3) children.

However, I’m very on the fence about a 3rd. Sometimes I think I’d like a 3rd and other days definitely not. I don’t know how people know for definite when they’re family is complete.

PocketRocket12 · 28/02/2022 17:18

Loving reading these responses. My DS is 18m. Husband desperate for another baby and I’m just… not. Back at work, got a routine, love the toddler stage. Had a very difficult first 9m of my first’s life and I just don’t know if I feel emotionally able to go through it again. Lots of good views here.

3toGetReady · 28/02/2022 17:29

I don't believe in rushing to have kids. My first two are 5 years apart, my next two are 3 years (4 school grades) apart, and I just found out I'm expecting again and my youngest is 5. I like to really enjoy their early years one-on-one. I don't think it has impacted their relationships with each other for better or worse. They still love each other and they still fight.

But, since you are already 33/34, I can understand your feeling of urgency.

So here's my two cents as a pregnant mother of a 13, 8, and 5 year old:
It's easy to take a baby anywhere. I've had more than my share of +1 dates with DH. It's when they get to be a toddler and want to explore and don't want to be held or in a stroller, or when they're 4-9 and suddenly everything is so boring but they aren't old enough to be home alone - that's when it's hard.

But then there's the added complication that the expenses are exponential. If you want to go somewhere, each person needs a bed to sleep in. Each person needs 3 meals. Each person needs an entry ticket. And as they get older, these expenses get higher. Teens won't share a hotel bed. They eat off the adult menu. They need an adult ticket. For this reason, if you want to maintain your lifestyle, I would stick with one.

But DD13 has always maintained that she does not want children. She has never been maternal. She doesn't even like animals. Would you be ok if you never had grandchildren? Your odds of having grandkids are slimmer the fewer children you have.

I know it's horrible to think about, but you do also have to consider - what if something happened to my one and only child? My dad's wife has a DD who has refused to speak to her for 5 years, and she doesn't know why. She was always a doting and loving mother. Or if there's a medical issue, perhaps you'd rather focus only on your one child.

My cousin is an only child. She has no family left on her mother's side - They've all died except for her mother. Besides our shared grandmother, none of my side of the family lives near her. She will never have siblings or nieces and nephews except by marriage (& there are currently no prospects for marriage). I think it has sometimes left her lonely, but it's also given her time to really grow and develop her own interests and talents.

My DD8 and I had very clashing personalities from the start. She is a firey little redhead who wants to run the show. You have to ask yourself - what if DD and I have nothing in common? Would I feel better knowing I had another child with perhaps more in common with me? Or, alternatively, what if the new child and I have nothing in common?

I do want to reassure you that DD8 and I were able to overcome our initial struggles. She still has almost nothing in common with me - she's sporty and mathematical and is learning to play the cello, but I enjoy celebrating her achievements. I even learned to like softball.

Which is another can of worms. Each child has their own interests, and they take time and money. DD8 plays softball nearly year round. And then she asked to also play volleyball this year. And join after school clubs. It's very, very time consuming. We're at sports practice 3xs/ week.

Then, after 2 girls, I really wanted a son, which I got. I wanted to experience the other side of parenthood. Do you have feelings like that? Would you feel your family is incomplete without another? Would you be ok if the baby wasn't the gender you were hoping for?

DH and I had decided to go for 4 from very early on in our relationship, but with an open mind. As time went on, we never felt our family was complete, but we also weren't rushing into anything. That would be my ultimate recommendation - do what feels right without rushing or waiting for the perfect time. I had someone tell me once that if I wanted a child, I should just go for it because there never was a "right" time. You'll never be exactly where you hope to be. I've found that to be very true.

Sorry, I know this was long, but I do feel there's a lot to consider either way that you may not be thinking about when they're this young. You also need to remember that pregnancy tends to get harder for your second. Your body "knows what to do" so it seems everything is magnified - the nausea, the bloating, everything. Is that something you're prepared for with a baby at home? Or would you rather wait until she's out of diapers or perhaps more independent?

I have zero regrets about dedicating my life to my kids, but each person has their own ambitions. I can guarantee that your life will change more with each child, but that's not necessarily a bad thing. A friend shared a question she was asked that ultimately helped her decide - "In the end, would you regret having more kids, or not having more kids?"

daisyjgrey · 28/02/2022 17:34

I am one and done. The idea of a second is nice in theory but in practice...not for me.

gemloving · 28/02/2022 18:52

I always knew I didn't want my babe to be an only child and fell pregnant when the first was 18 months. I really struggled at the beginning but now the youngest is almost 10 months and it's so much easier.

We can afford for two to go to nursery and are just buying a 4 bedroom house.

I'm the same as @Overtheroadroundthecorner I'm just not sure about a third but still think: wouldn't it be nice for them and us to have 3?

Ihaveoflate · 28/02/2022 23:30

We only planned to have one and I have absolutely never wavered on that. My husband had the snip when our only child was still a small baby because the thought of doing it again was truly horrifying.

I really like my life with a nice balance of work, family, hobbies and friends. I don't think I could have that with more than one child. I also think I'd be a dreadful mother of siblings but I'm a good enough mother to just the one.

Heyahun · 02/03/2022 10:14

ahh thanks all!

it's hard!!

I guess we need to decide whether our lifestyle is something we are willing to compromise on or not

I like our life how it is - we live in London and tbh I don't see us ever moving anywhere else - all our friends are here and we have a good support network , a great friend who babysits for us regularly etc,we don't need a car, so much to do locally - staying in London means getting a bigger house is probably out of reach for a long time - if we ever do hahah

But I am definitley a little broody - now it's approaching her 1st birthday i've been looking at the photos of her when she was all new and im like OMG she was so teeeny!

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gemloving · 02/03/2022 10:21

@Heyahun we're in London but decided to move to zone 4 to be able to afford a 4 bed.

Heyahun · 02/03/2022 10:27

@gemloving

we are zone3 currently! I can currently walk to work where we live in 15mins so would be very reluctant to move further unless I change my job down the line I suppose!! :) Also my friend who babysits is 1 stop from us on overground so we have a nice cushy set up !

But yes moving could be an option if we decide on babs number 2!

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Spudyoulikeit · 02/03/2022 10:29

All I would say is that music festivals / going out a lot etc are a lot easier with 1 than 2 DC. 1 can sort of ‘slot in’ with your life a bit but 2 is a different ballgame (in my opinion) as there are more different needs in the mix. It’s easier to have some me time with 1 DC but still possible with 2, just means it’s harder work for the other parent. Grandparents find 2 DC harder work too if you get any babysitting help!

2 bedrooms can be an issue if you had a second of the opposite sex but not until DC are quite a bit older so I wouldn’t worry about that too much. Two children is of course a lot more expensive than one especially as they get older.

I always wanted more than one and I’m very happy we had a second. We have a different sounding lifestyle though. Best of luck with the decision!

FTEngineerM · 02/03/2022 10:33

It’s all we and good feeling broody and wanting a newborn but those newborns grow up.. fast.. then they start pulling your hair and screaming at you in stereo I don’t know why I’m more bothered about that than my £1k/m childcare bill 🥲😂

Heyahun · 02/03/2022 10:33

@Spudyoulikeit

totally - at the moment its easy to take a weekend day each for a lie in and we travel a lot and taking turns entertaing her is possible - if theres 2 then basically I can see that we would both have a child each on trips rather than being able to tag team it hahah!

The 2 bedroom thing doesnt really bother me as a non issue for a few years

The 2 Nursery fees though is pretty much almost impossible tbh! so I guess we really have to wait until our daughter is closer to school age anyway if we are gonna go for number 2!! eeep

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FTEngineerM · 02/03/2022 10:34

Well *

Squiblet · 02/03/2022 10:34

It is tough with two tiny ones, and as you say, will require some lifestyle changes.

But once they're bigger, you get a huge bonus - they play with each other, and talk/annoy/interact with each other, rather than with you all the time...

And the closer they are in age, the easier it is to take them out to places or events they'll both enjoy, since they're at more or less the same stage of life.

Heyahun · 02/03/2022 10:34

hahah @FTEngineerM totally - we pay 1600£ a month on childcare now - it's more than our mortgage ahhhhh

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ellenpartridge · 02/03/2022 10:37

11 months is still really young. I have an 11 month old as well and having another baby is the last thing on my mind! You don't need to decide now.

FTEngineerM · 02/03/2022 10:41

Oops now I feel lucky.

ACNHmugoff · 02/03/2022 10:43

I actually disagree with people saying it's harder to fit two in than one child. Honestly, I think out lives upended after having one child, so having a second didn't make 'that' much of a difference.

What I would say is from my own perspective is having two closer together was better for us. I would never have considered having a second if I'd waited until my eldest was school age. It is too hard to go back to the baby stage by then IMO. I had a two year age gap and it meant all of the shit bits sleepless nights, nappies, buggies and childcare expenses were done within a few years. Instead of being dragged out for longer. My youngest is 6. We don't have any of that anymore and I look at other mums in his class at school who have toddlers and newborns and I am glad we did it the way we did.

The big negative to that is childcare costs obviously. I did go part time for three years and worked evenings while DH worked days to avoid the £1k childcare bill. Its not for everyone. The last year it started to get hard. But we knew it was only ever temporary. And now I'm through it all on the otherside, I would still have made the same choice instead of waiting.

Our kids still share a bedroom and will do for the foreseeable because our third bedroom is now our office. Despite what people on MN tell you, you will not permanently scar your kids for life if they need to share a room.

ACNHmugoff · 02/03/2022 10:44

God, I've cross posted with your post about childcare costs, just don't bother having any more ever. Or if you do give up work forever.