If you use wrap around care, are you happy with how much you see your children?

[GooseyGanderr]

Or would you much prefer to have more time with them before and after school?

I’m not sure what you’re getting at here OP?

Yes. But I work FT so the alternative to them not having after school care is… oh yes, nothing

@QuantumHypothesis I work PT but would like to change to FT (even though financially I don't need to), and I'm wondering if in going FT I'm not going to see my children enough or if in fact it's sufficient? I know this is probably a personal thing as there are people happy to send their children to boarding school

My kids aren’t in school yet but I work FT (DH 4 days) so they are in childcare (mix of nursery and nanny) 8.30-5.30 x 4 days a week. They are awake at 6am and in bed 8pm so I get 2.5 hours with them morning and evening (5 hours per day) and i don’t feel that I don’t see them enough. I do like knowing that DH has them one day a week.

Well it was 'needs must' with my DC. I made sure we had time together in the evenings and weekends. The key to it was attempted organisation and routine. And having some laughs at the same time.

The alternative was my not working and being skint, as ExH had fucked off. I wanted the DC to have one decent role model, and having some money coming into the household.

You'll never get a definitive answer to this. What works for some families would be hell for others. But I suppose you need to ask yourself not just how much you would miss spending time with the children, but how the changes might impact them and what you can do to minimise any negative impact.

I'm one of those rare women (I think most men tend to be more like me and are rarely judged for it) who really doesn't find spending time with my children to be particularly stimulating. So I've always worked full time - kids seems fine and happy.

Everyone is different. If you feel you'd be happy working full time, go for it! You're not remotely obligated to sit at home and stare at your DC while they play or watch Peppa Pig when you'd rather be at work.

As we're all well aware, a mother's place is in the wrong. And since you'll never manage to make everyone else happy, might as well please yourself. I always do!

@AnnieLobeseder

I'm one of those rare women (I think most men tend to be more like me and are rarely judged for it) who really doesn't find spending time with my children to be particularly stimulating. So I've always worked full time - kids seems fine and happy.

Everyone is different. If you feel you'd be happy working full time, go for it! You're not remotely obligated to sit at home and stare at your DC while they play or watch Peppa Pig when you'd rather be at work.

As we're all well aware, a mother's place is in the wrong. And since you'll never manage to make everyone else happy, might as well please yourself. I always do!

My favourite answer to date on this topic!

@AnnieLobeseder I don't think you are particularly rare.

I only do school pick up once a week, the other days are after school club and my DH. In all honesty, I don't find the day I pick up straight after school particularly great. My DS usually needs chill out time on his tablet for a bit and then dinner. I enjoy mornings with him before school a lot more

[quote Soul11Soul]@AnnieLobeseder I don't think you are particularly rare.[/quote]
I think she is rare in being honest about it

I work full time and my partner works 4 days a week. So the kids are in nursery 4 days and at home with their dad one day. I work from home most of the time so I see my kids a good chunk on the morning and evening. We're all happy with arrangement. The kids love nursery. We pick them up early so they can potter around at home for a good while before bed. I don't enjoy spending all day with them as I find it tedious if I'm honest. I might well cut back my hours to part time as they get older as I think they might need more emotional support then. We'll see. My only issue is telling people I work full time as I suspect some people judge.

I think it depends on the wraparound care that’s available, which is a dilemma I’ll also face in the future. I’m reluctant to use a childminder, and the local primary schools don’t have before or after school provision. So I can only either continue to work part time or to use an independent school which does have wraparound care - but then I would not have any extra money because of the cost of school fees!

I have always worked an earlier day on Fridays so that I can pick the DC up from school and spend the afternoon doing something with them. There are plenty of options to get quality time with your kids while still having the career you want.

@AnnieLobeseder

I'm one of those rare women (I think most men tend to be more like me and are rarely judged for it) who really doesn't find spending time with my children to be particularly stimulating. So I've always worked full time - kids seems fine and happy.

Everyone is different. If you feel you'd be happy working full time, go for it! You're not remotely obligated to sit at home and stare at your DC while they play or watch Peppa Pig when you'd rather be at work.

As we're all well aware, a mother's place is in the wrong. And since you'll never manage to make everyone else happy, might as well please yourself. I always do!

This is actually me, but I feel sick with guilt choosing to work FT when it's not needed and not choosing to spend that time with my children

I work full time, had to use wrap around until my job went permanent WFH.

Would have been lovely to not work full time and spend more time with DD (I went back FT when she was 9 months) but the alternative was not eating or paying any bills so in the grand scheme I decided to just make the most of the time I did have with her.

Not really, no. I use it on a Monday, Tuesday and Thursday. On Wednesday their dad picks them up and returns at 7pm and on Friday he comes at 5pm and has them until Saturday tea time. I feel like I barely see them.

@GooseyGanderr what is the guilt about exactly?

Ds1 is 6, I pick him up from school one day a week and we go straight to swimming lessons - so I'm not actually getting any extra time with him. the other 4 days he with a CM for 2 hours after school, if he was at home those 2 hours would be me cooking and cleaning and doing the washing anyway.

DS2 is 20 months, FT nursery 8:30 - 5:30 5 days a week, its that or having me at home with no money, no holidays, no nice treats and a very down and depressed mother who probably wouldn't be of any use to him anyway.

OK well don't frame it in terms of need, because that's silly, you can always find an argument for why something is needed or not.

If you could magic away the guilt and choose PT vs FT what appeals to you?

If you could magic away financial stress and spend every day with DC does that appeal to you? (It's totally fine to say no, that sounds awful).

Is it likely to cause more stress in terms of housework, cooking burdens etc?

Does it mean that they will miss out on clubs/activities you'd otherwise like them to do, or can that even be a part of the care?

Their ages make a difference too. It's one thing having a six month old in care all day and they are exhausted by the time they get home, you're missing the little subtle milestones, only really getting to spend quality time with them at weekends etc.

Whereas a 5 and 7 year old getting home at 4pm, you have to cajole them to do homework, eat dinner, not fight, they are slumped in front of TV so not really interacting with you anyway. You still get to read them a bedtime story and chat with them in the evening if they have been in childcare. Why would you not outsource the boring part of that unless you particularly feel suited/drawn to it?

I LOVE spending time with my 3.5yo, he's hilarious, but I start tearing my hair out if he has more than a couple of days off nursery (8-4.30) because the nursery provides him with so much more in terms of mental stimulation and physical exercise than I can (honestly) be bothered to do. He's better company for the absence and I have more mental energy for him.

@GooseyGanderr

This is actually me, but I feel sick with guilt choosing to work FT when it's not needed and not choosing to spend that time with my children

I choose to work full time even though I don't need to. I like my job and find the idea of being at home with my toddler all the time doing 'fun activities' pretty horrifying. She loves going to nursery and coming home covered in paint and mud and with slime embedded in her hair and I love the fact that it's not me having to do that messy stuff with her - it's win-win!

@GooseyGanderr - do you feel guilty because you would rather be with your children? Or guilty because you think you should want to be with your children, but really don't?

Forget guilt, it's pointless. Not an emotion I ever indulge. Make the choice that suits you/your family best, and crack on.

When making big family decisions, like who works what hours and where kids spend their afternoons, everyone's wants and needs should get equal weighting, including yours. There is no hierarchy, and you are not at the bottom of it. Find the solution that's most fair to everyone.

@AnnieLobeseder did you have an idea you would find spending time with your children boring? I was worried about the tedium of motherhood and that put me off having children for ages, now I have DD and of course there are often times I'd rather be doing my own thing but I genuinely enjoy spending time with her.

@EdithGrantham - It's not that I don't enjoy being around my children, or find them perpetually boring. They're teens now, which brings its own challenges, but as they've grown up we've had a fantastic time together.

It's just that I don't want to be around them, or anyone really, 24/7. Time to do my own thing is precious to me. And I'm a far better parent when I get it.

@AnnieLobeseder ahh I see, that makes more sense than what I was imagining in that you didn't like them at all!

I always wonder how much the stay at home mums do anyway. Do they set up play activities and out for play and play dates all the time in the way nursery provides? I'm sure some do and some don't. If we're at home all day a good proportion of the time is spent cleaning and cooking not least as this work increases if the kids are in all day. Whereas I outsource the cleaning. I think we can wrongly idealise the experience many kids get with full time parents.