3.5 year old. What’s just normal being a 3 year old and how to know when there’s a deeper issue

[JammyCandy]

3.5 year old

Bites, hits.
Doesn’t listen
Runs away
Deliberately naughty
Doesn’t respond to discipline eg naughty step, temporary removal of toys etc
Mega tantrums regularly
Refusal to participate in activities

Stable, loving home environment.

What’s normal? How do I know if it’s just a normal over-excited preschooler testing the boundaries or whether I need some kind of assessment?

First time mum. No real life mum friends. No point of reference & no one to ask for advice. I’m struggling. Please help. Thanks

This was my 3 year old!!!! But he's now 5.5 and soooo much better. He grew out of the biting / hitting about a year ago and grew out of the mega tantrums when he started school. It's really hard but it will get better. Just keep being consistent

Sometimes you only know there's a deeper issue when that behaviour continues at 4.5y and 5.5y and 6.5y and 7.5y and becomes less and less age appropriate. IMO if a child is acting out like that it is always worth doing some basic screening for eg. Hearing issues, vision, diabetes, other auto immune disorders, iron deficiency

Absolutely normal! Please don't worry. My 3.5 year old (middle child) is exactly the same at the moment, it's so difficult!

I just have to keep reminding myself that shouting and punishments don't work. 99% of the time he's just having a hard time processing his emotions due to brain development, and he needs help to work through it. Have a read on some gentle parenting sites about co-regulation - it's an eye opener to realise what is going on in their wee heads, when to us it just seems like they're being naughty.

It's tough though!

Thanks it’s just so hard having no real life friends or reference point and a MIL who makes me feel like an awful mum

It can make difficult behaviour seem unbearable when you feel judged for it on top of having to deal with it. Can you either cut down on seeing MIL or ask her to have DS on her own (if that would be safe/ ok for him)? See how she deals with it!
Can you/ do you go to a class together with other 3 year olds? This really reassured me as I could see how DD was compared to other 3 year olds and also it is something nice (sometimes!) to do together - it helps me to remember the good times when the meltdowns are taking over the day!

Lack of mum friends does make things a lot harder, it really does help to see that other people are dealing with the same! There used to be a couple of apps that helped mums make friends in the area - Mush was one, I'm not sure if they're still going but could be worth looking. Or toddler groups, or even just go to soft play on your own and chat to anyone else who is there!

Urgh, just read about the MIL, that sucks, sorry you have to deal with that.

That could have described both my kids at 3 years old. One is autistic. One is neurotypical. Can you put your 3 year old in preschool/creche? Just that that would mean other people (who aren't judgy pants MILs) have eyes on him/her and can flag any concerns with you.

Can you put your 3 year old in preschool/creche? Just that that would mean other people (who aren't judgy pants MILs) have eyes on him/her and can flag any concerns with you.
^THIS
My 3.5YO had her moments of all of those, except the biting and hitting. Pre school described her as a perfectly typical 3YO, albeit one with a strong personality! She settled down massively at 4.

My DS is similar atm, he's 3.5 too. I know it's a phase but it's really tough. He was just awful on an outing last week with friends, not usually like that. He's really struggling with sharing atm, & I think trying to bridge that gap between being a toddler & preschooler, made even harder as he starts school in Sept (summer born). He goes to preschool & is fine there, some small tantrums, same at DGPs but much worse for us (as it usually is). Hang in there, it should get better.

Hi OP, you should check out with your local children's centre/ local authority if there are any parenting classes running that you can attend. It's a nice way to meet other local parents and pick up some helpful techniques. Personally I wouldn't advocate the removal of toys as punishment- I think that's too high level for a 3 year old to understand. Also not a fan of the naughty step although I know some parents find it effective. It is hard going and you have my sympathy!

I have always thought it should be the terrible threes not the terrible twos. Mine were both delightful at 2 and proper stroppy at 3.

Yes completely agree with @redwinestillfine 3 is SO much worse than 2!!

Well They're threenagers now & then you get the Fu@k You Fours & Fives! That was our experience with DD. She's now 7 going on 17 just without the sleeping in.

This is my 3.5yo, except he's my second. My first was an utter, utter angel and still is for the most part. This is all new territory for us!

DS spends most of his day attacking her/us, which gets him into trouble but he doesn't give a fuck. When it's just the two of us he can be absolutely lovely, but as soon as someone else is there (mostly DD), he turns into an absolute horror. And he CAN be really sweet, he absolutely adores DD, he just doesn't know when to stop and he's too rough. Plus the massive tantrums over fuck all, running away (nearly lost him at the zoo today, twice), hitting, punching, breaking things on purpose, refusing to sit on the potty/toilet even though he's dancing from foot to foot... It's so, so, so draining.

Solidarity, OP. I wish I could tell you it gets better, but I don't know myself...!

Do you hate groups or could you go to some with him? It's so reassuring seeing somebody else's threenager being a twat and being able to realise you're not alone :)

It’s actually DD not DS

She does go to a lovely preschool & no issues have been raised

We do a couple of classes but DD is always the one having a tantrum & all the other kids seem perfect which makes me feel even worse

If pre school think she’s fine then I really wouldn’t be worried. The classes you’re doing clearly aren’t holding her attention so stop them. The only class mine ever enjoyed was a gymnastics based one where the kids were basically allowed to run feral.

Normal it's a 3 year old thing I think! We've never had terrible twos but have had terrible threes with both.

My nearly 4yo ticks a lot of those boxes- she’s not too bad for tantrums but she hits, bites and scratches. We are trying to do lots of positive reinforcement (lots of praise when she comes home from nursery and hasn’t decked anyone!), working on empathy and helping her regulate her feelings. It’s tough!

I have to back up RandomQuest, if you aren’t making friends at the groups and your dd isn’t enjoying them then stop going.
One of you should be enjoying the experience!

(I can’t believe the money I wasted on groups with my PFB who didn’t like them, child no. 4 gets no such privileges 😂).

Pick a really enjoyable group where she has a ball or a useful one like swimming.

Or take her to the park in thermals, let her go feral and buy ice cream. This is my preferred option now. We have more fun than I ever did with my pfb.

She starts school in September so desperately hoping we’ll make some friends then

If preschool have raised no issues chances are there are none. Preschool were the ones who triggered referral for autism assessment for my son.

Is there some good behaviour you can concentrate on,like a reward chart for eating all dinner,dressing themselves,good listening etc. Kids thrive on praise and love getting a little reward. This is child dependent obviously, my DD loved a chart but ds hasn't got the patience! Good luck, it's a challenging age.

Also I would echo a pp's advice about going to something like a church run stay and play, you get tea/coffee and chat with other mums while your child plays. They're usually only a few pounds.