3.5 year old. What’s just normal being a 3 year old and how to know when there’s a deeper issue

[JammyCandy]

3.5 year old

Bites, hits.
Doesn’t listen
Runs away
Deliberately naughty
Doesn’t respond to discipline eg naughty step, temporary removal of toys etc
Mega tantrums regularly
Refusal to participate in activities

Stable, loving home environment.

What’s normal? How do I know if it’s just a normal over-excited preschooler testing the boundaries or whether I need some kind of assessment?

First time mum. No real life mum friends. No point of reference & no one to ask for advice. I’m struggling. Please help. Thanks

Sounds exactly like my DS, who's 3y10m. In fact I'm waiting for a call from the health visitor about it. It's so hard to know what's within the realms of normal. My main issue at the moment is the fuss he makes when we've gone somewhere and he's having fun, and it's time to leave. I spend all my time dreading home time, and it sometimes makes me not want to take him to do fun things because of the upset when it's over 🤦🏻‍♀️

Sounds completely normal to me. Exactly like my NT child was at 3 minus the biting.

Just a side note and this is not for you to worry about op as your dd sounds fine, but id urge people not to count on pre school or even school flagging up developmental issues in girls. Schools are not knowledgeable or skilled enough in the presentation of neurodiversity, expecially how it presents in girls, but this can go for boys too. What people, even professionals, consider challenging behaviour indicating ND is often your very basic stereotypical behaviour. What schools and pre schools consider positive behaviour can actually be a worry. Things like being sensible, sensitive and compliant are red flags in girls, but schools will tell you there are absolutely no problems. The same applies for challenging behaviour that they tell you is age appropriate and that they are strong willed or just an emotional child. Many many girls are falling through the net because of this. If you have any concerns about your dc then see a specialist.
As it happens my autistic dd was exceptionally well behaved from birth. Its not always black and white.

Op even with the concerns listed you'd be unlikely to get anywhere if you approached anyone about an assessment or support. If these behaviours are still present in a couple of years then you could try then.

Dd was a great toddler but became more difficult towards four

Very good at preschool but small things would set her off, the biggest issue was just losing it and refusing to walk home.

I’ve been outwardly calm (although my heart rate goes up and I find it enraging!) and have done loads of positive reinforcement but I’ve realised one of the best things for her has been meeting friends. She’s calm, happy and yesterday there was a trigger thing and her friend got her out of it completely and today a very easy walk to school. Long may it last

Couldn't agree with you more @Rewritethestars1! Schools and preschools don't really know, more often than not, and as you say have different views of what is "good" and what is "bad". I think my 6 year old may have ADHD although he isn't massively noticably on that spectrum...I get no communication from his school whatsoever as he is never violent so I never get pulled aside to be told he's hit or anyone etc. Me suspecting he may be neurodivergent is from my observations of him amongst groups of peers at clubs, parties etc, and a few little things I've noticed.

In terms of your DC OP, it's such a hard age! I have had a 3 year old who I found very challenging, and even though he's never been a hugely violent child, 3-4 was his absolute worst period for things like hitting, kicking.

I also now have an almost 3 year old who is very challenging, they have always been very challenging so it's harder to pinpoint the change, but it's definitely worsened lately, including being difficult and hitting/biting at nursery. We've actually been too soft on discipline/consequences so are now trying to be firmer with hitting, hopefully it'll pay off.

I have found the same with classes too, some I thought they'd love they really played up and didn't want to join in.

normal. don't worry. you are not an awful mum. the other kids are behaving similarly you just haven't witnessed it...

Some really reassuring comments.

I was at the swimming pool on my own today. A mum with a girl who looked about 3/4 went into the next changing cubicle & I overheard the little girl saying “mummy I’m going to push you over & break your bones”
. The mum sounded like a lovely mum & was explaining that wouldn’t be very nice

It was a welcome reminder that it’s not just me! It’s easy to forget that though when you don’t have mum friends or other kids in your life

I would say could be normal but might not be. There were certainly children in my DCs preschool with similar behaviour, which is no longer present at school. If it’s still present in a year or two then more likely to indicate something is up. The explosive child is a good book for techniques. X

My 3.5 year old yesterday: mummy, I don't like you.(stomping her feet) No, no, no! I won't do that (holding my hand crossing the street) never! You're not nice mummy! You're horrible! (Then decides to sit down on the crossing asking daddy to come rescue her from horrible me...) (oh and last week, she apperantly kicked her best friend at nursery )

Very difficult to say if it’s normal or not. I would look into different ways to handle behaviour rather than traditional discipline techniques such as time out etc., as they seem to make matters worse with some children. I liked the book ‘raising your spirited child’. But I’d keep an eye on things and reach out for help from professionals as and when you feel you need it.