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Original poster

Feeling a bit suffocated by in laws

44 replies

Glitterandpolkadots · 22/02/2022 13:35

Hi all,

I am a FTM to a 6 month old dd. Just after a space to vent really/AIBU.

I have always got along with my PIL but feeling a bit overwhelmed by them. They're both retired. Since dd was born they have visited in the week twice for 2-3 hours at a time. I am finding it a little wearing now. They have now started asking to have dd for the day in the week and I don't want to spend so long apart on maternity leave. I find FIL can interfere, such as helping whilst I change them and telling me what dd needs. It just grates on me now. I just feel selfish for not wanting them to visit so frequently, once a week is perfectly fine for us.

AIBU?

For reference my mum visits once a week but stays all day as I do enjoy that time with her.

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Lottie917 · 22/02/2022 15:20

You're not being unreasonable. I personally will never understand anyone asking to look after your child when there's no real reason for them to. Obviously it's nice that they want to be involved and as your DD grows, I'm sure she will spend plenty of time with them, days out and experiences, etc. But whilst she is 6 months old and you're on maternity leave, you're well within your right to want to make the most of your time with your baby.

Is this their first grandchild? It sounds like they're excited and just want to get involved and probably don't realise they're being too much.

Do they ask to come over or just turn up? I'd try and just set some boundaries subtly at first. For example if they message to ask to come over and they already have seen you that week, just say you're out or have other plans like a baby class etc. Or when they're leaving one time when they see you, make plans there and then for the next visit the following week.

If these don't work, could your OH have a word with them?

Chely · 22/02/2022 15:26

YANBU. Nothing worse than interfering visitors.
Tell your dh to have a word and get them to back off a bit. It is lovely they want to be involved but they need to learn there are boundaries that need to be respected.

BeeDavis · 23/02/2022 20:36

So your mum’s allowed a full day but they’d only be allowed a couple of hours if they came once? That’s not really fair they sound very involved grandparents that want to have a bond with your child. What does your partner think?

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Original poster

Glitterandpolkadots · 23/02/2022 21:05

Thanks all, glad to know I'm not unreasonable. They schedule in the visits so that's something.

@BeeDavis I wouldn't put a time limit if they came once a week ( I don't now tbf). It's just quite restrictive having to accommodate them twice a week on my own, and I want to do other things like classes etc. There is nothing to stop my OH taking dd to see them, I don't see why it should all fall on my shoulders just because I'm on maternity leave. I love having my mum round as she is my mum and doesn't feel quite as exhausting as I can relax a bit.

OP posts:

Madmaxxy · 24/02/2022 10:08

yanbu for feeling that way but YABU for letting it happen. If you want to do other things like classes and seeing your own friends or whatever then just do it! If you're always available when they ask to come then they will think they can come whenever. It's your maternity leave so make sure you prioritise you and your baby. That will also give you a natural 'time limit' i.e 'hi PIL, Tuesday is fine but we need to leave the house by 11 for XYZ' 'sorry can't do this week, have plans'

Howshouldibehave · 24/02/2022 10:17

If your mum comes once a week and they come twice, you’ll barely get any time to do what you want! YANBU.

In laws are my DH’s responsibility and I didn’t want to spend my precious mat leave days with them once a week (I had to go back to work when DS was 4 months). DH took him to visit them at the weekends.

Aderyn21 · 24/02/2022 10:24

This is what ruined my relationship with my in-laws. They'd turn up on their day off without asking and expect to be in my house all day and then see us at the weekend too. It was claustrophobic.
DH had to ask them to back off a bit and phone before coming round. It was horrible.
I don't think it's unreasonable to see your mum whenever you want. You have a relationship with her that's independent of your baby. Womens time isn't a free for all to be parcelled up in order to please other people. It's your life and you get to do what you want - it doesn't have to be strictly equal hours for both sides of the family. Your child isn't a possession and no one has 'rights' to access.
If your dh was at home ft no one would be expecting him to give up several hours of his day twice a week to entertain your mother!

Totalwasteofpaper · 24/02/2022 10:26

I think you 100% need to break the habit of 2 x per week. Reclaim your life...

Cancel the second visit his week / next week as you feel poorly / baby is poorly whatever.

Then maybe send your DP over for a brunch with baby solo one weekend (pick him up after en route to a day out) then do one visit it in the week.

When they go to "book in" just be like I am busy all week except Tuesday morning.

Do what you need to but get that time back.

On the solo unsupervised days just go for "not now he's too small let's wait and see" because while I am all for good boundaries and having it out. At some point (assuming there aren't toxic or negligent) you will so why cause a load of upset for something that will happen eventually...

oldestmumaintheworld · 24/02/2022 10:38

Ultimately it doesn't matter how often they want to see your baby, whether that's once a week, once a month or every other year. It's not your job to make it happen, it's your husband's. Having said that, if you like them and get on well with them and want to foster a good relationship with them, then be accommodating to them. But not at the expense of your own life. You decide what you would like to do during your maternity leave even if that's going to the gym three times a week or lying on a sofa stuffing chocolate and watching trash tv. Do what suits you. When they ask to come over just say, 'Oh, I'm sorry, I'm busy that day.' Sort out with your husband a time at the weekend when he is free for him to either take the baby to them (giving you a bit of a rest) or for you to go out and for him to entertain his parents at your house.

Whatever you decide to do, don't feel you have to give up your time to be at home for them, or anyone else. Enjoy your maternity leave and your baby.

Aderyn21 · 24/02/2022 10:41

If you don't want to leave your baby with them, then don't. It's awful how some grandparents put pressure on new mums to be without their children so they can play at being parents again. It's really insensitive and selfish. If they are the sort of people to pressure you, then you should feel no guilt at saying no. Your baby only needs you, they aren't a toy to be passed around.

Cuppaand2biscuits · 24/02/2022 10:51

You need to put boundaries in place now and try not to feel guilty. Once a week is enough for them to build a relationship with their GC.
I wish I had listened to my own advice when I had my first my inlaws popped in everyday, sometimes twice, without being invited, it was so stiffling that we were barely speaking by the time my second was born.
I got to the point where Id hear the doorbell ring, quickly strap the baby in the carpet, put my shoes on, quickly flush the toilet next to the door so they would think that was the delay in answering the open the door, car seat and handbag in hand and say I was on my way out!
Absolutely ridiculous!
I also once found a notebook at their house (dd had been using it to draw in) which had times and dares of all the times I hadn't accommodated them.

Cuppaand2biscuits · 24/02/2022 10:51

I strapped the baby into the Car Seat! Not the carpet!

ChoiceMummy · 24/02/2022 11:27

@Glitterandpolkadots
Imo yabu to have double standards about the time element. If your mother can stay all day, then it's less than your inlaws. So yabu to effectively give your mum a free run but not inlaws.
If you want to join groups. Join them and tell inlaws the times you're unavailable.
If you don't think that you should have to entertain the inlaws on maternity, then go back to work and let oh share the leave. Problem solved...

Aderyn21 · 24/02/2022 11:55

ChoiceMummy OP has spent 9 months growing and then giving birth to a human, who depends on her for everything. She's entitled to her maternity leave! I don't suppose you'd like it if some third party dictated what you should be doing with your time, so don't be telling the op that she has obligations to spend her day according to her in-laws whims!
No one owes anyone access to their baby. The OP can spend as much time or as little as she wants with her parents or in-laws. Now I think it would be wrong if she denied them any kind of contact with the baby but these things need to be mutually convenient.

Flopsy145 · 24/02/2022 12:29

Not unreasonable I would be the same and probably would have flipped my lid by now haha. Personally I will only be leaving my dd with my mum when I need to leave her, time is so precious while you're on maternity leave especially I don't understand why you would just hand your child over when you don't need to, and if you did by your post I imagine it would be your mum.
Do they ask to come round or just turn up? Can you pull the I'm busy card or just about to have a nap with the baby etc?

leannelj85 · 24/02/2022 12:55

Just to add another point of view. Both of my partner’s parents are dead and so is my mum I would give anything to have loving grandparents wanting to spend time with my children!!

Your very lucky

Aderyn21 · 24/02/2022 13:04

I hate that argument - it's basically saying she should allow herself to be walked all over because one day the ils will be dead.
'Lucky' is subjective - not everyone misses their dead in-laws!

PinkSyCo · 24/02/2022 13:06

YANBU to feel as you do. I do feel for your in-laws, who are only wanting to be involved grandparents though. Could you compromise and let them continue to visit you one day a week and then let them have your DD at theirs for the other morning or afternoon. Out of interest, who will be looking after your DD when you go back to work?

Aderyn21 · 24/02/2022 13:09

She doesn't want to be away from her baby though. And she shouldn't be guilted into it.

MangshorJhol · 24/02/2022 13:12

When I went back to work, DH took leave. I would have been very sad had my mother suddenly lost most of her access to my kids because now it was DH’s parents’ turn…

Assuming they are not bad people, I would personally let it go. But I will hold my hand up and say I didn’t like being alone on maternity leave. I loved it when people came over and took the baby off my hands to give me a break, let me have a cup of tea etc.

PinkSyCo · 24/02/2022 13:14

She doesn't want to be away from her baby though. And she shouldn't be guilted into it.

She said she doesn’t want to spend a whole day without her baby.

konasana · 24/02/2022 13:17

When they contact you to arrange to come over, you can tell them you can't do that date/time but suggest a future time that is a comfortable number of days away - e.g. I'm sorry, I can't do tomorrow at 10am but could do Friday next week in the afternoon if that works for you?

If they ask to have her for a day, just say sorry I'm not ready to be apart from her for a full day, but thank you anyway. You might welcome that one day in the future but it's alright if you do not want that now.

coodawoodashooda · 24/02/2022 13:19

@Aderyn21

This is what ruined my relationship with my in-laws. They'd turn up on their day off without asking and expect to be in my house all day and then see us at the weekend too. It was claustrophobic. DH had to ask them to back off a bit and phone before coming round. It was horrible. I don't think it's unreasonable to see your mum whenever you want. You have a relationship with her that's independent of your baby. Womens time isn't a free for all to be parcelled up in order to please other people. It's your life and you get to do what you want - it doesn't have to be strictly equal hours for both sides of the family. Your child isn't a possession and no one has 'rights' to access. If your dh was at home ft no one would be expecting him to give up several hours of his day twice a week to entertain your mother!

Excellent post.

Walesrecommendations · 24/02/2022 13:37

@konasana has it right. Start introducing boundaries that protect your free time and move arrangements so that they suit you and them. This doesn't mean agreeing to everything they ask for. If you don't want to leave your baby, don't. They'll have to lump it. My MIL made me feel so anxious and uncomfortable keeping on asking to take DD on her own from 10 weeks old and I will never forgive her for it. Babies aren't toys to be loaned out.

leannelj85 · 24/02/2022 13:41

@Aderyn21

I hate that argument - it's basically saying she should allow herself to be walked all over because one day the ils will be dead. 'Lucky' is subjective - not everyone misses their dead in-laws!

I don’t miss my dead in-laws as I didn’t know them but I can assure you my children do! When my son sees his school friends with multiple grandparents and he only has one.

I would LOVE some help from people who love my children as much as I do, I see a lot of people taking grandparents for granted and it’s not fair.

I know for a fact when my children have children I will love them just as much as I love my own kids. I just hope they appreciate me.

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