Feeling a bit suffocated by in laws

[Glitterandpolkadots]

Hi all,

I am a FTM to a 6 month old dd. Just after a space to vent really/AIBU.

I have always got along with my PIL but feeling a bit overwhelmed by them. They're both retired. Since dd was born they have visited in the week twice for 2-3 hours at a time. I am finding it a little wearing now. They have now started asking to have dd for the day in the week and I don't want to spend so long apart on maternity leave. I find FIL can interfere, such as helping whilst I change them and telling me what dd needs. It just grates on me now. I just feel selfish for not wanting them to visit so frequently, once a week is perfectly fine for us.

AIBU?

For reference my mum visits once a week but stays all day as I do enjoy that time with her.

They will appreciate you if you don't turn up uninvited and expect them to accommodate you and if you don't try to pressure your dil into giving you her baby to play with!

@Cuppaand2biscuits that is so creepy!!

Thanks so much for all your responses. It has been really helpful. I hate this pressure to try and keep everyone happy and ensure everyone has their fair share of baby. I think what I need is routine and set days. I feel at the mercy of other people's wants right now.

When I go back to work baby will be in childcare part of the week and both grandparents the rest of the week. I think the fact ILs are providing some childcare adds extra pressure as I feel I need to agree to leave her now.

My children did love my in-laws and do miss them. On the whole it's a good thing for children to have loving and involved grandparents. But it's not good for children to have overbearing ones, who don't respect their mother.
I never denied my in-laws a relationship with my children - I saw mil far more that I would have chosen to if I'd not had dc. But I had to set boundaries because the relationship would have totally broken down if I'd behaved exactly as they wanted.
I get that grandparents are excited and it's probably quite hard to hold themselves back a bit, but they have to remember that these are not their children and they have to respect the lives of their adult children. I never just turned up at my ils house and demanded they change all their existing plans to accommodate me and it's not unreasonable to expect that consideration to be reciprocated

When I go back to work baby will be in childcare part of the week and both grandparents the rest of the week. I think the fact ILs are providing some childcare adds extra pressure as I feel I need to agree to leave her now.

Ah right so the in-laws will be good enough to have your DD alone when it’s saving you money then. Gotcha.

By the way I don’t know when you go back to work, but it may be a good idea,for your DD’s sake, to slowly start getting her used to being apart from you.

@aderyn21 I totally agree. It's not about favouring one set of grandparents it's that the op is entitled to spend her time as she wishes. I had something similar with my husbands relative during the summer holidays. She would cry to him about not seeing them enough. I gently pointed out to him that I didn't want to spend all my time with her and since he was at work I get to chose who I spend time with also she was zero help and felt like I had another child with me.
I would have a word with your dp to see if he can get them to cut it down. Alternatively send them friendly but firm message saying which day suits you and that you have filled the rest of your days with other plans and activities. And that for now you do not want to have them look after the baby and you will let them know if and when you do.

@PinkSyCo it's not like that at all. I believe that our form of childcare is best for our dd when she is a bit older. What is the point of me being on maternity leave if I have to hand her over to her grandparents for a full day? I want to make the most of the time I have with her now. DD does spend time away from me, I will go and get my hair cut, or grandparents will take her to the park etc. I am just not ready to leave her for a full day on a weekly basis and neither is dd most importantly.

Can you try and arrange it completely on your terms? If there is a class you fancy or to go for a swim, ask them to come and watch baby for an hr when you go something for you - he'll just go out for a coffee or a walk. Or invite them for coffee when it suits you & then make it clear that other times they suggest won't work. I think then you'll feel more in control, you can try and make the most of them as support or company that you invited rather than feeling like they're imposing on you all the time. You'll probably enjoy their company more if it is less frequent & when you've suggested (maybe you can even say ooo while you're here is it ok if I go have a bath or a wee nap - you probably need to try to feel less obligated to 'host' them if that makes sense & make the most of the opportunities that present themselves when there are other adults to hand)

You need to set your boundaries and get your husband to back you up. When my daughter was 3 months old I almost left her father due to the constant visits from his parents and his inability to tell them to stop. She was 5 days old when they started asking to have her for the night. The 5th day in a row of them being in my house for 3hrs+ and us having dinner at 10pm because they would not leave and I told him if they set foot in the house for the next week me and his daughter would be leaving and not coming back.
They still constantly try to push but I've finally learnt to push back. Next one is due in a couple of months so I anticipate it going back to square one.

Oh gosh I remember those days well. My exMIL would turn up at 8.30 in the morning and just sit there! She didn’t work or have any hobbies/friends so never had anything to talk about and it was exhausting. In the end I started going over to her one afternoon a week on the basis I could leave when I wanted to. ExDH would then do a longer visit at the weekend while I had a few hours peace.

I dont agree with lying to either set of parents, there is literally no point.

Set our from now your boundaries and let them know how grateful you are that they want to be a part of your childs life so much however, for now, you would like them to visit one time a week only as you're setting routines, making play dates and trying to keep a house up together all the while with a new born. Tell them also that while you're happy that they have suggestions, youd like you parent a certain way until you decide otherwise.

Dont be shy to say something like " I dont need help with changing baby but you could get some washing up done for me if youd like to be helpful".

I am just not ready to leave her for a full day on a weekly basis and neither is dd most importantly

Which is why I suggested letting the in-laws take your DD to theirs just for the morning or afternoon instead of them coming to you. That way at least you get to relax instead of having to host them.

@Glitterandpolkadots
So who has looked after your lo whilst you go to the hairdressers?

Given you will put your child into childcare and the grandparents when you choose to return to work, do you not think that actually it's in your child's best interests to start to have short periods of time with them alone to get used to this and build up to full days?

@ChoiceMummy both sets of grandparents have had her for short periods of time at our house. DD is happy enough to be away from me at my house for short periods - she gets awfully upset in unfamiliar environments without me. However ILs want her at their house for alone time for a day in the week. I am trying to build it up but I want to do it at our pace, not her grandparents.

Wtf is wrong with OP own mum spending all day with her? Presumably before baby was born OP spent more time with her own mum than her in-laws, why should she limit time with her own mum…

I have overbearing in-laws, expecting 3 visits a week. I nipped that in the bud and visit once a week - baby and I go to grannies and great grandparents can meet us there. DH occasionally takes LO round at the weekend, but nothing set in stone.

Even if they are going to provide childcare, thats what, 3-6 months away? Obviously nearer the time you'll want to get her used to being away from you but it doesnt have to start now, unless you and DD are comfortable with that. It sounds like you do more than enough to promote a relationship with both sets of grandparents which will help your DD when it comes to leaving her for childcare purposes. Better for her to feel secure with them with you there too than rushing to leave her when neither of you are ready. You don't have to feel hostage to their desires just because they're going to be doing childcare for you. That's something thats been arranged for future when you go back to work, not for now.

@Notanotheroneaboutcovid exactly!! I feel guilty for spending so much time with my mum, but I love spending time with her and would spend all day with her pre baby. In many ways, I need/appreciate her more now as I do feel overwhelmed with motherhood and she supports me in a way my ILS can't. Mum was the only one who actually cared when I had the baby blues.

@Walesrecommendations
Thank you so much for this. I completely agree, dd and I are still building that secure attachment and she needs to gradually learn that she can be left. Dd definitely has separation anxiety now and I would feel terrible shipping her off for the day knowing she would be distressed. I am leaving her little and often. You have really helped give me perspective

My ex fil used to call round 3 times a week unannounced and talk about himself all the time. Ex dh wouldn't have a word. I don't know how I didn't lose my mind

Yanbu in the respect that they come over twice and your mum once, added into that your time as a family of three probably at the weekend it doesn't leave much time for you to do stuff/enjoy just your time with the baby. I would politely ask them or get your husband to do so that they make their visits longer but limit to one day a week.