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Parenting

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Original poster

Have you done any of these things to your children?

26 replies

buttercrumbs123 · 21/02/2022 20:12

Since becoming a mother I have found a lot of uncomfortable feelings about some of my mums choices have been coming to mind and I find it really upsetting.

I love my mum but I can't help now thinking of these things and questioning our relationship. I keep wondering if I am partly an anxious and angry person because of these things.

When I did or said something naughty she used to spend a long time shouting at me, it would go on and on. Until I felt horrible. Then she would leave me in my room alone and I would cry for a long time and tell myself I was horrible.

I remember crying myself to sleep many times. Other times after a long time alone crying and talking to myself telling myself I was horrible she would come and talk to me and I would apologise and she would hug me and it would be ok again.

She didn't hit me a lot, but when she did hit me it would be a case of her chasing me around until she caught me to smack me repeatedly out of anger. She hit me with a slipper once. That sort of hitting happened when I was a teenager too, once when I was driving a car. I absolutely never hit her and wouldn't.

Is this normal? Do you do this with your children?

My daughter is only a baby at the moment, but I never want to be like this with her.

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Bettyboop3 · 21/02/2022 20:17

No this is not normal. My Mother was the same and I now have nothing to do with her and never treated my children this way. I am sorry she did this to you. Once you become a parent yourself it definitely makes you view yoyr childhood in a different light.

Ohmnomnom · 21/02/2022 20:17

No, I would never do any of those things to my children. I have had them done to me though.

Someone told me that when you have your own children, you also meet yourself as a child. I honestly cannot imagine doing to my children half the things that were done to me. I often look back and feel sorry for 5 year old me and wish I could go back and give her a hug. I'm sure many of us feel the same

Easterbunnyiswindowshopping · 21/02/2022 20:19

My dm slapped my legs-chasing me to do so. Grounded me. Shouted a lot. Blamed me for taking her stuff when I never did. Been nc for 20 years.

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caranations · 21/02/2022 20:19

No, that's awful. I'm so sorry your mother did that to you.

Original poster

buttercrumbs123 · 21/02/2022 20:24

@Ohmnomnom I know what you mean, I look at my daughter and I see myself. But it makes me feel all these sad uncomfortable feelings.

I'm thinking about maybe talking to a therapist because I don't actually like myself and I have this notion that I am an unlikable person.

It doesn't help that I feel so angry a lot of the time

I do have a lot of love inside me though and I have given everything I've got to my daughter

OP posts:

QueenLagertha · 21/02/2022 20:37

Me too OP. DS is nearly 4 and the older he gets the more I can't stop thinking about how my mum treated me. Similar to yours although she did smack quite a lot and this included hard slaps across the face and pulling me around by my hair in temper. It progressed to silent treatment for days and/or calling me names as I got older.

She has mellowed a lot as she has aged and seems to be a good grandmother to DS. I think she is genuinely stumped as to why we do not have a close mother/daughter relationship. I've mentioned in the past about the hitting etc and she has rewritten history so no point even going there. She actually assumed she'd be a birth partner for me. Not a chance!

Anyway it's thrown up a lot of confusing feelings for me like it has for you. She certainly taught me how not to parent. I find it hard to set boundaries with DS as I'm so afraid I'll turn in to her.

I try to justify her actions- she didn't know any better, that's the way her own childhood was, etc. but I still can't help noticing all her faults. And I can never forgive her for my shitty childhood. So I just maintain a relationship for appearances/DS' sake.

Sorry for derailing. Just wanted you to know you're certainly not alone

SaltySocks · 21/02/2022 20:38

Oh wow. I'm so sorry your mother treated you like that. No, I'd never treat my children like that and my mum never did this to me either. That's not normal or acceptable.

Miriam101 · 21/02/2022 20:39

This has made me feel really sad just reading it; experiencing it must have been horrible. Do try and find a good therapist to speak to, OP.

Peoniesandcream · 21/02/2022 20:48

Since having 2yo DS I've really looked back at my childhood with a microscope. My parents scapegoated me basically, would blame me for everything. The shower blew up while I used it once and rather than being concerned about my welfare they just told me off, said I should take shorter showers. After that every time I washed Mt hair in the shower (took 5 minutes) they would turn the hot water off. When I was 9 I was a bit cheeky and my mum on seperate occasions bashed me in the head with a full bleach bottle and pushed me into a Bush of stinging nettles. She stopped hitting me when I was 15 as I blocked her arms from hitting my face and she realised I was physically stronger. Her comments continue regularly such as my weight/ apparently I over feed my DS. I try not to bother too much with her now.

Wartywart · 21/02/2022 20:49

Yes my mother was the same. Hitting, shouting horrible things, going on and on about how I'd be paying for the rest of my life for a vase I broke by mistake aged 5, and she'd say 'this is MY house, not yours' and stuff like that.

I too wish I could go back and give my childhood self a hug. I don't forgive my mother and I do not understand her behaviour.

Nelliephant1 · 21/02/2022 20:58

This happened to me OP. If you had asked me, I'd have said that I'd had a great childhood. I had an ok relationship with my mother until I had children and my head became full of what I didn't want to do, how I didn't want to bring them up etc without really realising that everything I wanted for my own children was the opposite of how I'd been treated.

It took me many, many years to truly realise how damaged I'd been with what had been said to me and how I'd been made to feel and believe about myself. It took my longer to accept that the person who should have been in my corner my whole life, never had been and I was only there to be a reflection of her.

Three years ago I was diagnosed with CPTSD and complex trauma, it's still something I struggle with as I feel hugely guilty and second guess myself regularly.

Bring your child up in accordance with what you want for them, how you want them to feel and how you want them to see their childhood when they reach adulthood. None of us are perfect and we all get things wrong but accepting this and doing our best to get it right is all we can do.

GooseyGanderr · 21/02/2022 21:01

OP I could've written your post. So many feelings have come to the surface since having a baby. I feel anger and rage inside at the way I was treated and I dread to think what went on when I was a baby that I have no memory of. I know my Mom has parented the way she was and knows no better, but it doesn't stop the pain. I could maybe move on if she had now changed but in many ways she is just as vile. She does seem to be a really good grandmother, but I find it unbearable to be in her company and I sometimes worry about leaving my toddler with her. I've been doing a lot of work on re-parenting myself and low self esteem caused by such a poor upbringing etc. and whilst it is slowly helping to change the person I am, it won't ever fill the void and sadness I have of the mother I never had and will never have.

BrutusMcDogface · 21/02/2022 21:04

My mum chased me and smacked me with a flip flop. We had and have a great relationship. However, once she smacked my dd on the bottom and I was FURIOUS. I grabbed my little girl and said “don’t you EVER do that again!” And stormed off home. She never did, and she’s the most loving mum and nana. She had depression and had quite a shit life with my dad. I really don’t hold it against her.

ImALittlePea · 21/02/2022 21:07

No, I never would.

This PP has absolutely expressed it perfectly:

I'm currently having CBT and much of it is linked to childhood trauma. No physical abuse, but a fair amount of neglect and abandonment, which at the time I thought it was normal, and has impacted my life in so many ways as I've gone through adulthood. When I look to my own children I just can't fathom making the decisions my parents did when I was a child. It's hard, so hard. Therapy is helping me, so far. Please see if you can get some.

Madmaxxy · 21/02/2022 21:18

Since having DD I have also looked back on my childhood from a different perspective. She used to chase us with a wooden spoon or a hairbrush, yell over the slighted things, send us to our room for long periods of time. I'm not NC with her now but never feel the urge to call or visit (I've never related to people who are best mates with their mum or need them when they're sad etc)
Luckily times have changed and I think there is a lot more awareness about parenting gently, and respecting children as you would adults. I'm making sure to raise DD in that way and hope she sees me differently to the way I see my mum

Madmaxxy · 21/02/2022 21:20

I would also add that I find it difficult how much she wants to be part of DDs childhood when she was very absent for mine

Paris14eme · 21/02/2022 21:28

Following with interest…

Bettyboop3 · 21/02/2022 21:43

My mother had no interest at all in my children which was very hurtful even though I would never have trusted her to look after them. When I told her I was expecting her first grandchild she said don't ever expect me to babysit, you chose to have a baby. I have the most gorgeous granddaughter now and feel so lucky to spend time with her.

Original poster

buttercrumbs123 · 21/02/2022 21:57

@Madmaxxy

I would also add that I find it difficult how much she wants to be part of DDs childhood when she was very absent for mine

Yes my mum is like this too.

OP posts:

Madmaxxy · 21/02/2022 22:28

@buttercrumbs123 take comfort in the fact that you've recognised it and will consciously parent your child differently. Break the cycle, as it were.

I'm also bracing myself for my mum to voice her (outdated) parenting opinions as my child gets older. she's only a baby and I've already been told it's good for her lungs to let her cry alone for a bit. You might want to do the same, be confident in your decisions and have some confident responses prepared for the unsolicited advice.

SconeCreamJam · 21/02/2022 22:40

@buttercrumbs123 there’s a great book called The Book You Wish Your Parents Had Read (And Your Children Will Be Glad That You Do) or something like that, that would be the perfect read for you right now

www.amazon.co.uk/Book-Wish-Your-Parents-Read/dp/0241251028/ref=asc_df_0241251028/?hvlocphy=1007201&hvlocphy=1007201&linkCode=df0&hvptwo&hvptwo&psc=1&psc=1&hvnetw=g&hvnetw=g&hvadid=430802624052&hvadid=430802624052&hvpone&hvpone&hvlocint&hvlocint&ref&th=1&hvpos&hvpos&hvdev=m&hvdev=m&hvdvcmdl&hvdvcmdl&hvqmt&hvqmt&tag=mumsnetforu03-21&hvtargid=pla-918485885179&hvtargid=pla-918485885179&hvrand=12888028669751995802&hvrand=12888028669751995802&adgrpid=101598704138

N4ish · 21/02/2022 22:49

I don't have any advice but just wanted to send a hug to you. Reading your post made me feel very sad for you, it must be hard to have all these memories suddenly coming back with such force. Good luck to you and your DD.

Passanotherjaffacake · 22/02/2022 06:15

This thread is a heartbreaking but inspiring read. I really love the quote from the PP about meeting yourself as a child, that really resonates with me. My mum left my sibling and I with my dad when we were fairly young as she needed to escape and be free. Her reasons and feelings were complex and I accepted this when I was younger and have been close to my mum but I find this difficult now as I would never leave my children by choice. We also grew up in a filthy house, terrible diet, very isolated with few social connections etc. I appreciate that is small fry compared to most of the stories on here.

I choose to parent my children in a very gentle and consistent way.

I have been working on breaking a slightly different cycle (poverty/stability related) - it has been difficult and extracted a toll from me. Sometimes I feel bitter about this but I reconcile this with the feeling that the person who breaks the cycle pays a price, so that our children will benefit (and us, to some extent). I find this comforting when times are tough.

labyrinthlaziness · 22/02/2022 06:18

[quote buttercrumbs123]@Ohmnomnom I know what you mean, I look at my daughter and I see myself. But it makes me feel all these sad uncomfortable feelings.

I'm thinking about maybe talking to a therapist because I don't actually like myself and I have this notion that I am an unlikable person.

It doesn't help that I feel so angry a lot of the time

I do have a lot of love inside me though and I have given everything I've got to my daughter [/quote]
I think speaking to a therapist is a very good idea. It can be hard to parent differently, because doing so brings up complicated feelings.

What your mum did was give you a good model of what not to do, it might be good to have help to work out what you do want to do.

musicalfrog · 22/02/2022 06:37

Similar here although it was mostly my dad who was the offending parent (although I didn't live with him I did have to spend EOW with him and hated it).

Those saying it's not normal, I'm afraid to say I think it might have been quite normal back then. Smacking was only outlawed relatively recently and I think knowing it was 'ok' gave parents the idea they could treat their children badly without consequence. Of course WHY they chose to is a different matter and I suppose each case is different.

I don't suppose social services in the 80s would bat an eyelid at some of the treatment listed above. I wonder what they would have stepped in for. Sorry just pondering now.

@Ohmnomnom meeting myself as a child has made me cry. It's so true. I can't imagine ever being like that with my kids. I have enormous amounts of love and empathy for them.

@Wartywart your post resounded with me as I broke an ornament at my dad's once. It's one of my earliest and most awful memories. He was so mad. He kept it and stuck it back together with glue and every time I saw it on the shelf I was reminded of that, for years to come.

Hugs to everyone in here struggling with this.

Somehow I'm able to separate it though and looking back I do think I had a good childhood, I do have some nice memories too.

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