Things you wished you knew before having a baby

[DaniLaLaLand]

What is the one thing that nobody told you about having a child, that you wish you knew?

Mine are inducing a baby can take AGES (4 days)
Epidurals are like small operations in themselves and not guaranteed to work
People text constantly just before baby is due to ask stupid questions (have you had the baby yet? Any signs??)

That not all babies are the same. If you have two easy ones, doesn't mean the third won't be an utter pain in the backside and cry all the goddamned time and won't sleep, or be put down, or play happily.

That breastfeeding is virtually impossible and that there is absolutely such a thing as genuine low supply, despite what people tell you, and that actually its probably not as rare as they say.

That just because your first two babies arrived late/on time, your third might come along when he feels like it (ie 6 weeks early) and scare the crap out of you.

Actually, I wouldn't have told myself any of this as I wouldn't have done it for a third time if I knew

*That breastfeeding is virtually impossible…”

What an empowering message that is to women who want to breastfeed…

Anyhow…

I wish I’d been prepared for how much they take over your life - they absolutely consume you.

I wish I’d been told about the sleep deprivation….but then again I don’t think it’s something that can be fully understood until you’ve experienced it.

I wish I’d been told how much I would unnecessarily worry about them.

I wish I’d been told how much it can hurt when your child stops being a baby and progresses through toddlerhood and into early childhood and their dependence on you starts to fade. I miss the days where I used to be my eldest son’s world, he looked at me like I was his everything whereas now he wouldn’t be seen dead holding my hand on the walk to school

That baby girls can have bloody discharge, I cannot tell you how much I freaked out.

You will worry about them every day for the rest of your life.

I’d just like to say, that I have 3 children and my birth plan was read and followed each time and was invaluable during my most recent birth, when I was swapped to consultant led while in labour but had the most wonderful woman who read my birth plan and listened to my rationale, agreed with me and let me proceed as I wished.

I don’t think it would’ve been the same without the birth plan.

The early days of breastfeeding are pure hell, but if you reach 12 or so weeks it’ll probably be okay and get a lot easier.

It’s really hard to stop breastfeeding if your DC isn’t ready/willing to wean, so prepare to commit to the long haul. Easily stopping at 6 months was laughable in most of mine and my friend’s cases.

A lot of newborns aren’t naturally sleepy. They require a sh*t ton of effort to get them to sleep. Walking miles and miles with the buggy or sling, or holding them for hours in a dark room. That kinda thing.

Newborns are total dicks from 5pm onwards and can go from smiley and cooing to red faced and screaming in an instant.

Every single thing is a phase, good and bad. One day your kid will be the one lying down on the floor in a cafe screaming their guts out..and then one day it’ll be some poor other sucker.

You really, really matter too. Of course your baby is number one, but don’t let it be at the cost of your health and sanity.

And the thing I learnt today: don’t leave your cheap, lightweight stroller outside without the wheel lock on in a storm while chasing after a toddler…or it will end up in next doors garden. It being the stroller, not the toddler.

I wish I had known about co-sleeping/bed sharing and biological norms surrounding sleep. I went through a really hard time during the first 4 months because of sleep deprivation and it could have all been avoided if we had bed shared from the beginning.

I spent all that time wondering why it was so hard for me but other people managed it and wondering if there was something wrong with my baby when actually she was normal.

@vincettenoir

The sheer volume of b-feeding involved. I couldn’t believe how many hours I spent doing it in the early days.

Omg yes this!!!

I was formula fed and my mother kept saying there was something wrong that she should need to feed that often and constantly undermining me and I just found it so hard emotionally, always worrying.

Next time I know what to expect with that.

That unless you have huge input from grandparents/wider family, your freedom is severely curtailed.

Trying to combine a full time job/career with a kid and still having some kind of a life for yourself is bloody difficult.

I mean it sounds so obvious but I really didn't fully understand just how much my life would change and how much I would hate trying to keep all the plates spinning for years on end....

That you better really, really love your partner and be on the same page because that sleep deprivation and the fact that it’s just not as hard for them (and they may well find that hard to understand!) will make you hate them at times

Thank you all so much for your insight! What an eye opener! Xx

That everything is a phase so when it feels hard just remember it will pass (and when it’s going smoothly enjoy it)

“ Breastfeeding takes a good 3 weeks to establish, bf and formula feeding are v v v different. I bf and definitely saw and still do health benefits but hey sleep so much less than formula fed babies, I don't care what anyone says , it's true. Look at the sleep boards on here , majoriy are bf babies. I am still very pro bf but good to have v realistic expectations.”

That every baby is different. Case in point here, I have had the exact opposite experience of breastfeeding (and most of my NCT groups, bf and great sleepers, and no noticeable health differences and not sure how you can measure that?)!! Also related to this that there are some people who have such rigid ideas and opinions on how to feed a baby, how much sleep, what kind of food etc. when in reality, there are so many variables and it rarely matters. Also, people who are unwilling to listen to your real life personal experience - if it’s not the same as theirs they don’t believe you, can feel gaslighting for some mums (and dads!).

How long it takes to leave the house!

The newborn stage is the easy bit

That getting some babies to nap is hard work but it doesn’t mean that don’t need sleep.

It took me ages to get the hang of naps with my first and, even though it’s easier the second time around, it can still feel all consuming.

That very little is worth being absolutist about. I have a lot of women w/babies under six months and there are many self-flaggelating, some with HV help , over exclusively BFing, certain kinds of weaning, dummies, all sorts. It. Is. Not. Worth. It.

Doing something with your baby for a short while eg using a dummy won't create an unbreakable habit. Just change it later. Also, it's OK to put your baby down in the same room as you while you do something else. I spent weeks feeling like I couldn't have a shower with my immobile baby lying on a towel right next to me!

It's not a competition, nor a purity exercise, just something to hopefully get through successfully and with least pain. No medals or awards for trying to avoid or minimise pain relief. Birth plans are like military engagements and entering the ring with Mike Tyson - everyone has a plan ...

Worse than the mis-guided self-flagellating are those who seek to impose their beliefs on others and for whom anyone making any different choices is a personal insult or invitation to a fight.

Breastfeeding may be a goal but every child and mother is different.

That if you’re going to be a SAHM you should get your DH/DP to pay into a private pension for you.

Try not to conceive with a spanner though some spanners only demonstrate their spanner-y-ness after conception, pregnancy, birth. Try not to have a second with a known spanner though that can be complicated if someone wants a second and is scared of breaking up their family.
Try not to allow some ideal notion of a family lead a mother to making adverse decisions with respect to any spanner.

That you might not love your baby straight away and it's normal

They all grow/learn at different rates and to not immediately panic when your baby isn’t doing the same as another. Also no one tells you how bloody hard it is!!

Controversialist know because so many people struggle but for me I didn’t know how easy breastfeeding would be. All I’d heard was how difficult it was and expected to give up within days but I got lucky and had a baby that latched well early on.

I nearly didn’t even bother trying because I thought it was something that was so difficult basically nobody did it (and indeed it is for many people who deserve good support and information to help continue / end feeding at a time that’s right for them)

The other thing that I wasn’t ready for was as a newborn DD would not be put down. At all. It would wake her instantly. In my head all babies just slept in cots when they were tired… turns out that’s not my reality!

Absolutely agree with OP in the stupid messages people send before you give birth, they gave me such rage!