Are toys shared or individual?

[GoldenGorilla]

We have two boys - 5 and 7 - with very similar interests and tastes.

They’ve always shared all the toys, except for a few special toys (like their favourite cuddly toys) which are individual.

But now there is an insane amount of squabbling about what counts as a special toy, and who got this exact piece of Lego for their birthday etc etc.

I could in theory divide all the toys up and give them separate storage areas although that would probably take a huge amount of arguing!

What does everybody else do to divide up/share toys?

Generally in our house...

• Lego set is built by its owner. The owner can then chose to display it or play with it with sister. (This rule was needed as we have one who likes to follow instructions exactly and one who adapts stuff to her own imagination). Older lego is in the general box of bits and a free for all.
• barbies, dolls etc are a free for all
• craft kits.. up to owner but they usually end up working together.
• science kits... they usually do together but the owner decided when
• board games and jigsaws... together
• collectibles... owner

When they were younger everything was shared. Its evolved.

Yeah I think we are due for some evolution! Our system is obv not working.

Toys are all shared here with the exceptions you have also. It has evolved that way, so not a house rule as such, though I do uphold fair if I ever have to get involved. They both want to play with the others stuff and recognise that in order for that to work it has to go both ways.
Toys are remembered as being for this person for Xmas (so belong to them) but still shared.(only precious select few require permission to be asked, which is almost always given, unless they are in a huff over something which doesn't last long) my 2 have similar interests like yours.
No idea if they share well from personality or if parenting helped, who knows.
I did put a lot of attention on giving them tools to share well when they were toddlers cos I had a horrible relationship with my sibling when young with constant conflict and I wanted things to be different, so put lots of time into helping them work out how to fix disputes. So when very young we talked about the 3 different ways to share fairly (divide in half, offer a good swap for a toy you want, take it in turns). If disputes arose I would uphold the fair share rules by talking about which one was best for the situation they had. If one was being unreasonable I would refer to sharing fairly and how it makes you feel when someone doesn't and how that means you shouldn't do that to someone.
If one refused to share a toy and then didn't like it when it happened to them i would remind them and if they wanted to play with the others toys maybe they shouldn't have refused to share themselves.
Now they just do this for themselves so I don't point any of this out now. But having a fair base line which comes out whenever there was a clash gave them the tools I think. There has to be trust for sharing to happen so anyone taking advantage would spoil that and that was my constant message.

Most things (bar some board games) were presents for one child or the other. We encourage them to share and play with them together as much as possible but they retain ownership.

It generally works well with relatively little squabbling. The occasional 'actually it's mine and I say you can't play with it' but that's usually addressed by 'it's fine if chose not to share with your brother, just remember he's not very likely to let you play with new thing of his you were excited about'.

Tbh they’ve shared everything for so long I don’t think I could now say “oh no that’s your brother’s hot wheels car, that’s your train, this is his Lego…” etc etc. So if we were to try and split the toys now I’d just be splitting them in half as seems fair to me which would be a massive drama.

I think it's a stage they are going through.

I remember one poster said they had shelf each for their special toys which limited how many they could allocate as "special".

I would focus on why it's become an issue. Is one of them not good at taking turns or sharing? Is the older one trying to dictate to the younger one or vice versa?

This is a nightmare stage that mine went through too (and at the time they shared a room so everything really was shared)

I just divided it all up. If I got it wrong, we talked it through. Most of it was easy. Things that weren't, like cars, remained shared in the "car box". We also maintained a shared "dressing up box".

I took this as an opportunity to declutter. I did it when they weren't home and I labelled all of the boxes with their names, which they delighted at. 10/10 would recommend the naming thing. I don't know why kids like seeing their name on shit so much, but they do.
Also, when other people come over they say "how lovely" "how organised" etc. and that feels pretty nice. If you're a narcissist like me.

My youngest had an Iggle Piggle thing that was his from a baby. It was his favourite bed time soothing thing. One day we were looking at old pictures and we saw the very same Iggle Piggle in the hands of the eldest, before the youngest was even born. All hell broke loose and we had to have long talks about how ownership can be more then just who the thing was bought for. It was very high stakes and everyone cried (at one point I think even I cried).

.... at this point, nobody in our house had watched In The Night Garden for at least four years. 😐 FML.

@RandomMess - that’s a good point. I think there’s a few things going on - DS1 likes to control everything and invent rules, DS2 is old enough now to argue back! They’re very competitive at times and both want lots of my attention. So sometimes toys are just an excuse for them to fight and both try to get me to intervene on their side. DS1 is insecure about me preferring DS2 ( DS2 has autism and DS1 doesn’t understand why DS2 gets treated differently). It’s a mess at the moment!

Personally I’d go for the ‘squabble over it and no one gets it’ parenting approach. They can learn to work it out between themselves without upsetting the entire house. Or they can not play with it.

@PeeAche - I’m sorry, I’m sure that was very upsetting at the time, but honestly it’s quite funny!

Yeah... I can laugh about it now. 😐

One of my children:

"Why don't you have any things?"

"I have things."

"Apart from books?"

"I have a whole house of things. I bought the telly, I bought the sofa, that vase is mine. The cushions. The curtains. The car. The plates. My jewellery. This outfit."

"Those aren't your things. Those are world things. You don't have any things."

... Talking to my children depresses me.

I also remember someone putting toys in time out if they were being fought over

I think I got off more lightly because I had 4 DC the youngest 3 very close in age.

I would concentrate on the dynamics that are going on tbh as it's the real issue.

Have you read "how to talk so kids will listen, and listen so kids will talk" also the book "siblings without rivalry" it includes talking about when a sibling as SN.

Ask the DC to brainstorm solutions including "let's get rid of all the toys so there is no more fighting" as a suggestion from you.

I have twins - they are only 1 so at the moment everything is played with together but they do have a special cuddly toy which is theirs and they get stroppy if the other "borrows" it. When buying bday/Xmas presents we generally go with one each one together rule otherwise we'd be overrun in toys. I don't know if it will be different as they are twins and they will just finding sharing the norm or whether I'm in for drama when they get older. But they are boy/girl and very clearly already have different interests - one loves books one loves the noisy toys so it might just work itself out naturally without me intervening

@snowdropsanddaffodils Mum friend and twin boys they ended up, for example, with a Thomas and a Henry train each but the rest of the collection was shared.

@RandomMess

I also remember someone putting toys in time out if they were being fought over

I think this is totally sensible. ‘Right. It looks like this toy is a problem for you. Let’s put it away so you don’t fight over it’.

They can figure out how to share/divide the toys without fighting over them. And learn that fighting means no one gets it. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Yeah we do sometimes take toys away for a bit - sort of “if you can’t share nicely then this toy goes away!” but that’s more to do with me losing patience with it all than a deliberate strategy.

@RandomMess - thank you for the book suggestions, you’re right of course I need to deal with the underlying issues, it’s not really about toys i guess.

I think they are at an age where any new things given to an individual belong to that individual.

It is much better if they can learn to share their own possessions (if they want to - I'm sure you don't want to share everything you own), rather than everything being part of the communal pot.

Anything ours are likely to fight over they get one of each. They will share a lot of the time but they can be possessive of their toys if not in the mood for sharing.

They will literally fight over anything though. I’m currently hiding from them while they fight over the cardboard tube from the kitchen paper.

@GoldenGorilla

They will literally fight over anything though. I’m currently hiding from them while they fight over the cardboard tube from the kitchen paper.

Cut it in half!

Yesterday one of mine stormed off because her sister opened the garden gate for me...

Dividing things isn't going to work.

It won't make the actual issue go away will it?

They fight, they play with nothing! Do not tolerate constant battles, hiding from them and ignoring it is a bit like cheering them on.

See I find if I hide for a bit they usually sort it out for themselves, which is what I want them to do. If I’m there they are both trying to get my attention/get me to side with them and the row carries on until I resolve it.

Would you want to "share" all or your possessions? For example, if you invited me to visit your house for a cup of tea, would you be happy if I asked for "a fair share" of your Easter Egg, to have "my turn" using your car because I want to go to Ikea, or to "borrrow" your toothbrush because I don't have one with me?

Your boys are growing up, and evolving from the "everything is shared" stage, hopefully you can help to navigate this going forward/ with newly received items even if it's too overwhelming to do this with items already in the house.

If your first is prone to "inventing" rules and your second is autistic (so may rely more goodn rules staying the same as a NT child) perhaps the starting point would be sitting down with them both and establishing some rules that they both agree on. Good luck.