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Parenting

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Original poster

DH thinks baby is too difficult!

43 replies

Aarti96 · 18/02/2022 09:57

Hi all,
I just need some advice as I’m just tired of this situation now.

We have a lovely 5 month old DS and on the whole he’s been quite a happy baby (in my opinion). He has his times, like any other baby, where he’s grouchy, crying, refusing sleep etc but I just see this as normal development and part of him reaching milestones.

I really try to be a responsive parent, I don’t like harsh parenting methods or ignoring him when he cries. I want him to feel comforted by my presence. He settles quite well, usually wakes up once or twice in the night but is able to sleep 10 hours at a time.

On the other hand, DH thinks DS is an extremely difficult child. He constantly compares him to other children and says DS cries too much and won’t sleep. It’s like we are having two completely different experiences and I don’t get it!

I think part of it is the opinion of my MIL. She also thinks DS is really difficult and compares him to their neighbours baby. She often says things like ‘you can put that [neighbour] baby down anywhere and he falls asleep instantly’ ‘he never cries’ ‘he’s already sitting up, why is DS not sitting yet’ ‘DS is hungry you should start solids’. I think she’s massively influenced his view of parenthood and his expectation of how babies should be.

It makes me feel like maybe I’m seeing things wrong? But I don’t feel particularly stressed out by DS behaviour and I’m really happy with his development. He has his own little personality.

Maybe part of it is just accepting babies are difficult and perhaps DH thought it would be a breeze…

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Easterbunnyiswindowshopping · 18/02/2022 09:59

Tell him sadly dc don't come with a returns sheet. But he can buggar off back to his dm if he can't be supportive.. Must be draining having him around op
.

Original poster

Aarti96 · 18/02/2022 09:59

How can I support DH more? Clearly he’s struggling but I don’t know how I can convince him that DS is just a baby and babies don’t always act how we want them to…

OP posts:

Aquamarine1029 · 18/02/2022 10:00

Your husband sounds very dim.

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AnnaMagnani · 18/02/2022 10:04

Do you actually know MIL's neighbour? They might have a very different view on how easy their baby is!

Otherwise time to cut down on how much time is spent with MIL's negativity and increase the time DH spends with his own baby, and other mums and dads to get different perspectives.

twoofusburningmatches · 18/02/2022 10:04

Your baby sounds far from difficult. At that age, my eldest could wake up to seven times a night! And she could never be put down anywhere to just fall asleep. Each nap was a mission. Despite that, she’s excellent: a very clever, lively girl. So I think your DP and MIL are being ridiculous. All babies are different.

Original poster

Aarti96 · 18/02/2022 10:07

@AnnaMagnani neither me or DH have met the neighbours baby. We are actually visiting MIL this weekend and I’m tempted to go and see if this baby is actually as easy as she makes out!

OP posts:

Pandoh · 18/02/2022 10:09

Nope you aren't wrong, all babies are different and doesn't sound like any of that is out of the norm. I wonder if he is just ignorant or whether he sees it as a way to opt out of the bits he finds challenging. Either way sounds like you're doing a fab job!

girlmom21 · 18/02/2022 10:14

Encourage him to go to some parent and baby classes so he can see that everyone's in the same boat.
Parenting isn't easy.
Do any of his friends have similar aged babies?

FudgeSundae · 18/02/2022 10:15

Babies are difficult, even the “easy” ones. Acknowledge it with him and also that things will get easier with time and then you’ll miss the baby snuggles. My DH is very hands on and good but he didn’t really enjoy the babies until they were 6 months + and I think that’s quite normal.

AnnaMagnani · 18/02/2022 10:16

@Aarti96 would be great if the first thing you hear is the baby crying through the wall

SunshineCake1 · 18/02/2022 10:16

I'd spend the time enjoying your perfectly normal baby and no time trying to help your idiot dh and spiteful MIL

girlmom21 · 18/02/2022 10:18

@SunshineCake1

I'd spend the time enjoying your perfectly normal baby and no time trying to help your idiot dh and spiteful MIL

And if it was a mother struggling with what she perceived to be a difficult baby you wouldn't call her an idiot...

SparklingLime · 18/02/2022 10:21

Sad that you feel you should be supporting him more. Agree parenting classes a good idea. Plus YouTube and books on parenting. He needs a reality check, otherwise he’s at risk of scapegoating your child.

Gowithme · 18/02/2022 10:22

Why is your MIL comparing her neighbours baby to her GS and finding fault with GS? She sounds like a complete nightmare and I doubt it'll get any better as he gets older, your OH sounds no better though - how did you get yourself caught up with this miserable lot? Your baby sounds like a breeze compared to ours as well, who hardly slept for the first two years.

You sound like a really lovely, happy positive person who is really enjoying their time with their baby - this lot are only ever going to drag you down IMO. Don't let them spoil this happy time for you.

TheOldLadyOfThreadneedleStreet · 18/02/2022 10:26

While your DH is unrealistic and unhelpful, many people find tiny babies difficult, this is quite reasonable in itself because it’s true. It sounds like your baby is actually quite easy going to me, which is great. I hope you can talk to your DH and explain how this view of his is upsetting you and is not realistic. My DH did find it all difficult but was still helpful and we could chat about it together. And (perhaps luckily) our DC were not too difficult and DH found them more fun as they got older. Once they were sitting up and playing DH found it all much more straight forward. Hope you can get through this together.

Gowithme · 18/02/2022 10:27

PS why not let him take the baby to his mothers while you stay home and have a break, then you don't have to have her non sense inflicted on you.

TracyMosby · 18/02/2022 10:30

Well both your dh and mil sound difficult. Ignore them.

Original poster

Aarti96 · 18/02/2022 10:31

I feel I should clarify, DH is an extremely good dad. He absolutely adores DS and they do have a very special bond already. He’s also very hands on. But when things aren’t easy (eg DS is crying a lot or waking in the night) he instantly thinks something is wrong or abnormal and then begins to compare him to other babies. I think the suggestion for them to go to a baby group is a really good idea and I’ll try to encourage DH to do so. He needs to see that he’s not alone!

OP posts:

caringcarer · 18/02/2022 10:34

I would not be visiting the mil if she constantly picks fault with your baby. He sounds quite an easy baby to me anyway. My first dgs woke up several times every night until he was almost 3. His baby brother actually slept through the night at 7 months before he did. All babies are not the same.

dexterslockedintheshedagain · 18/02/2022 10:38

Perhaps compare DH to the baby neighbours DH. So-and-so manages to do that .....why can't you? Are you normal??!! Etc etc

And if he says anything, tell him that DH - just like babies - are all different.....!

You could do similar with MIL. Just sayin'.....

CustardGoodJamGoodMeatGood · 18/02/2022 10:41

It is easy to compare your DC with others, but not on the basis of what someone else has said and a baby you don't even know. Babies are difficult, they can't tell you their wants or needs, but I do think a parenting class might be good. Maybe he just isn't sure what to expect from a baby of this age, I'll swap your DS for my 2yo DD if you want, he will soon want his 'difficult' 5 month old back🤣

SleepingStandingUp · 18/02/2022 10:46

Can you get one of those books that go through what to expect for the first year or two so he can see 5 month old babies don't sleep 12 hours and wolf down steak and chips whilst standing on one leg, unlike the neighbours baby who's already speaking French? And yes to baby groups.

PinguPingu12 · 18/02/2022 10:46

My DH was a bit like this. If you haven’t already got it I can recommend the Wonder Years app - some of the info on there is a bit far fetched, but my DH really benefitted from seeing the grouchy phases as developmental “leaps” and the change in perspective helped him enjoy parenting a bit more.

Mumoblue · 18/02/2022 10:50

You sound very patient, OP. I’d have told him to get his head on straight by now.
Parenting is a skill, and one that can be developed. It sounds like your husband needs to develop realistic expectations. He should look into parenting resources, instead of just complaining when it’s not easy.

As for your MIL, anytime she says anything about the baby next door, just say “Oh I didn’t know it was a race”.
Comparing babies is silly.

trilbydoll · 18/02/2022 10:50

Compare MIL to your mum a quick Google will show your DH that sleep varies wildly. At 5mo my two were both waking hourly and that's normal too. If he's so adamant there's a problem he needs to do some research to back it up. I suspect he won't find the evidence he's looking for!

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