DH thinks baby is too difficult!

[Aarti96]

Hi all,
I just need some advice as I’m just tired of this situation now.

We have a lovely 5 month old DS and on the whole he’s been quite a happy baby (in my opinion). He has his times, like any other baby, where he’s grouchy, crying, refusing sleep etc but I just see this as normal development and part of him reaching milestones.

I really try to be a responsive parent, I don’t like harsh parenting methods or ignoring him when he cries. I want him to feel comforted by my presence. He settles quite well, usually wakes up once or twice in the night but is able to sleep 10 hours at a time.

On the other hand, DH thinks DS is an extremely difficult child. He constantly compares him to other children and says DS cries too much and won’t sleep. It’s like we are having two completely different experiences and I don’t get it!

I think part of it is the opinion of my MIL. She also thinks DS is really difficult and compares him to their neighbours baby. She often says things like ‘you can put that [neighbour] baby down anywhere and he falls asleep instantly’ ‘he never cries’ ‘he’s already sitting up, why is DS not sitting yet’ ‘DS is hungry you should start solids’. I think she’s massively influenced his view of parenthood and his expectation of how babies should be.

It makes me feel like maybe I’m seeing things wrong? But I don’t feel particularly stressed out by DS behaviour and I’m really happy with his development. He has his own little personality.

Maybe part of it is just accepting babies are difficult and perhaps DH thought it would be a breeze…

You have had good advice about baby groups and parenting classes etc already.

What does your MIL hope to achieve with the unfavourable comparisons? I don’t get it and this is the bit that would annoy me the most. I would have to call her out on it the next time it happened.

@PinguPingu12

My DH was a bit like this. If you haven’t already got it I can recommend the Wonder Years app - some of the info on there is a bit far fetched, but my DH really benefitted from seeing the grouchy phases as developmental “leaps” and the change in perspective helped him enjoy parenting a bit more.

Do you mean Wonder Weeks?

Your baby sounds fine. DH should be supporting you, not the other way round!! Oh and tell your MIL to button it with her opinions, she sounds like a horrible busybody IMO

Remind him babies are just tiny people and are all very different. They develop at their own pace and he needs to stop comparing him to other peoples babies.
If he keeps it up start comparing him to all the other dads you know and tell him how inferior he is in as many ways as possible.

I was constantly told that babies should sleep through by 6-12 weeks by my parents. It was a massive source of anxiety for me and I did believe it. My LO was over a year before they slept better and I felt like a failure due to the comments.

I know for me accepting babies don’t sleep helped me massively but not sure how you can provide that info to the hubby

"Funny, my neighbour's MIL is really developmentally advanced, she's really positive and supportive! It's almost like babies and adults are all different!"

Also really wanna download a Wonder Years app to tell me when I will meet the milestones of an 80s teenager.

I think your DH needs to understand that all babies are different. There's no blueprint that makes them all "perfect".

At the moment your DS is only 5 months. He's growing, may start teething soon (if not already), or have days he feels off colour or fearful about something. The only way he has to communicate at the moment when something makes him unhappy is to cry.

My first DD would sleep easily, and I'd have to wake her up from her nap after 3hrs otherwise she'd sleep all day! DD2 on the other hand....I'd put her down for a nap and 10 minutes later she was wide awake and full of beans. Very vocal. I've always said that if I'd had DD2 first, I'd have stopped at one .

Your son sounds perfectly normal OP.

I suspect you are about to start finding that your MIL is too difficult. Start comparing her to other MILs that don’t compare their grandchildren to other babies.

I'm not sure he's done anything wrong here!
I love my DS more than I could possibly have imagined, but I absolutely found him to be a 'difficult' baby! He just was. There'a no shame in me admitting that. It doesn't mean there was anything wrong with him, or me. It was just bloody difficult. I would hate to think people would call me some of the things posters here have called your. DH just for saying I found my baby to be difficult.

But it's the comparisons, not the fact he is finding it difficult. It's the suggestion that OP's DS is just a 'difficult baby' based on some shite his mother is saying about another random baby. I'd have very little patience if DH was constantly comparing DD to other babies (that he doesn't even really know) to suggest she is abnormally difficult in some way. If he just said that he was personally finding it difficult, fine.

Sounds like a normal baby to me, follow your instincts.

Who cares about other people's dc anyway (apart from your mil)

We had a baby who was so quiet and well behaved we didn't know we'd got him.

We had all the problems further down the line...

If your baby is only up twice in the night then that is a breeze and your DH needs to ask around or get on the parenting boards here and see the desperate pleas on the hourly wake ups going on for months!

OP I think it's great that you've come at this with the aim of supporting your DH, and not just telling him that he's wrong. I found the first 6 months really challenging at times and often couldn't shake the feeling that I was doing something wrong even when DS was perfectly happy and settled. It might be that your DH feels similarly?

We don't have a problem supporting mums who feel this way but we don't always have too much patience with dads, which is a real shame. Maybe try to focus on the lovely bond he does have with your DS and emphasise that it's this relationship that matters above literally everything else.

(FWIW every time my MIL sees my DS she opens with "are you not walking yet?" and "can't you talk yet?" and we're taking the united front of completely ignoring her.)

I'd start talking about how your friends find their MIL. Have a chat to some and if anyone has a nice supportive MIL report it back to to your DH. Say she's obviously a difficult MIL because she's not as supportive as x's. If he complains just say well she's doing the same with your child.

I'd also be staying away from her and have a long term low contact goal. She's not a nice person, she will not bring harmony to your family and I doubt she will do your child any good.

Its your "D"H who is difficult.

Has your DH come across many small children? Have you asked him what his comparison pool is?