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Original poster

Undecided about no 3 or not.help!!! :)

79 replies

puccaupunderthemistletoe · 01/01/2008 22:01

Dh & I have been discussing about going for a possible dc no 3, we have dd (almost 4) and ds (16 mths).

I hate being pg, and it would prob mean another section (which i loathed) but i can't shake this idea of having another off. Probably both sides of family would be mortified, as both sides are both typical of the 2 kids and thats it, plus of course we have one of each so our family is complete now .

Is it sooooo much harder with 3 than 2? just don't know whether to go for it or not lol. I suppose i am scared too of how much harder life will be.

HELP!! i have done a similar thread to this before but my brain still in turmoil.

OP posts:

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sweetkitty · 02/01/2008 20:57

pucca I was in your position this time last year didn't know if I could cope with a third. We decided to go for it in the end as it just feels like there is someone else missing from our family, also if you look forward 20 years will you regret not having another one?

I got pregnant straight away but had a mc and this made us realise more than ever that we both wanted a third baby, I am now 13 weeks pregnant and an due in July when DD1 will be just about 4 and DD2 2 1/2 so will have the dreaded 3 under 5 I would actually have liked them closer together but between BFing and having the mc it wasn't to be but they will still be pretty close in age.

Maybe when I have a newborn next year and a stroppy DD1 and a mad DD2 to deal with I may think I should have stopped at 2.

GillL · 03/01/2008 12:18

I've got 2 and would love to have a 3rd and 4th. My sister thinks I'm mad to want more than 2 but deep down I think she's just jealous. I can't imagine stopping at 2 and I get annoyed when people tell me my family is complete just because I have one of each. I've always wanted a large family. It does concern me that there won't be as much attention to go round but by the time number 3 comes along dd and ds will have each other for company when I'm busy with the baby (if they get along that is). Dh has told me that we should stop at 3 for practical reasons e.g. not having a big enough car, house etc but these problems can be overcome. We can get a bigger car and bedrooms can be shared until we can afford to buy a bigger house. I looked at ds (4 months) the other day when he was asleep and decided that I couldn't imagine not having a baby around. Dh told me I would be one of those mad women with 20 children who's constantly pg

Good luck making the decision. I had the same dilema going from 1 to 2 but now I've got ds I wouldn't think twice about having a 3rd.

Anna8888 · 03/01/2008 12:26

Gill - I don't agree with the issue that there won't be enough attention to go round.

I have a daughter, and two stepsons, so I regularly experience having one child around and having three children around. The children give one another huge amounts of attention - it's not just a question of sharing out parental attention.

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GillL · 03/01/2008 22:45

That's exactly what I said Anna - dcs 1 and 2 would be able to keep each other company.

moljam · 03/01/2008 22:49

i have 3 and love it.mine are 7,6 and 2.i really didnt find it too much harder.only thing i panicked about was bathing them all!(i got hang of it lol!)

as for not being enough love or giving enough attention-i believe i have enough!i couldnt imagine being able to love 2 same as 1 but i did,then 3!you just get clever at juggling!

handlemecarefully · 03/01/2008 22:50

If you have a few doubts - its probably not for you.

VictorianSqualor · 03/01/2008 23:05

Only read the op.
I am pg with my third atm. Only you know whether or not you want another.
As for the section, it isn't a given, I'm hoping (probably against hope now as there are all sorts of complications) for a VBA2C, so it can be done.

pucca · 03/01/2008 23:48

HMC...Surely not many people plan a pregnancy without a few niggily doubts? it is taking the leap i am a little scared of, as after all it is such a big thing.

Victoriansqualor....I don't i would be able to go any other way than a section, i had a 3rd degree tear with dd (1st) and was incontinent for quite some time, the risk was too high therefore i went with what the consultant recommended and went elective section. Would love another natural birth though

handlemecarefully · 03/01/2008 23:55

Possibly pucca - I am talking from personal experience only. Was very definite in my plan to have 1st child, equally sure and didn't prevaricate about having 2nd child. Spent 2 years umming and ahhing about whether to have a 3rd. My family wouldn't feel complete without a 3rd / unfinished business etc etc....an itch I just couldn't scrath....but recently have concluded not to have the 3rd.

I still like the idea of a 3rd however, but not keen on executing the plan!( another 3 mind numbing years before I get any peace i.e. Pre-School, more nappies / sleepless nights and January days spent at the park pushing them on the swing with frostbitten fingers, the tantrums and moods that accompany ages 18 months - 4 years...)

How did you feel before deciding to conceive number 1 and 2 and did that differ from what you are feeling now? I.e are you more doubtful now than you were before conceiving your first two?

pucca · 04/01/2008 00:04

HMC....The only niggily thoughts i am having are things like, 2 dc having to share a room, bathing them, getting them all dressed etc, silly things. I watch dd and ds, and how well they play and interact and having a trio would be fabulous, but i suppose another thing is i feel really sad when i think there will be no more.

I suppose it does differ slightly to when TTC dd and ds but only because in our families and friends it is a case of 2 dc is where you stop, and of course us having one of each, our family should be complete, so i am also thinking of reactions from others. We would be the oddballs iykwim, to the point where i would be shot down in flames if we told either side we were actually thinking about having another baby.

Although i suppose the other side of it is where do you stop? will i feel 3 makes our family complete? or will it just go on and on?

pucca · 04/01/2008 00:06

I know what you mean regarding another 3 years of feeding, sleepless nights and nappies etc, i have put my career on hold to have children and now i can see light at the end of the tunnel as ds is now almost 17mths, and dd starts full time school in Sept.

Oh i don't know lol.

MrsBond · 04/01/2008 09:33

I am in the same boat - DD starting school in Sept/light at end of tunnel etc... I'll start to have more time to myself etc.... Do I really want to do another round of Jo Jingles baby type stuff with a one year old???

Also I REALLY dread the idea of being pg and feeling tired and sick with 2 DC to look after.

ALL the sensible reasons/practical reasons say stick with 2. Yet I can't seem to stop thinking about a third...

It's a decision from the heart rather than the head!

Anna8888 · 04/01/2008 09:35

GillL - I don't think that we made the same point at all. There is a big difference between children "keeping one another company" and "giving each other attention".

Bluenosesaint · 04/01/2008 10:50

I have 3 and tbh nothing is as difficult as the transition from 0 to 1 and seeing as this is mumsnet we have all successfully managed that one

I don't agree HMC with your sentiment of if your having any doubts then its not for you ...if that were the case then i wouldn't have any children, surely doubt creeps into to every pg at some point??

And as for taking the leap Pucca, well i'm the sort of person who would never find the 'right' time - i just didn't feel complete with 2 ...now, with 3, i feel perfectly complete

I think you hit your number and just know. jmo of course.

Don't get me wrong, 3 is very hard, and like a few of you have said, my dd2 is my 'middle' child now (God i HATE that phrase) and i feel terrible about lumping her with that, but tbh my eldest has more 'middle child' traits than my dd2 has, and she always has had ...even when we only had the two of them!!

I wouldnt change things for the world and think that 3 is a magical number

Saying that, i have 3 girls who are almost 8, 4 and 5.5 months, so ask me again when they all hit their teens ... LOL

ca7439 · 04/01/2008 13:16

Have read this thread with interest.
WE are in similar position, of deciding whether or not to have a 3rd.
I have dd - 2.7 and ds 1.6.
I would like to have another one and dh would too but feel like we should get on with it if we're going to.
It would be harder, need bigger house, car etc... but not that worried about it. My 2 already share a room no problems.
My doubts are more silly perhaps. I am constantly worrying that I am not a good enough mum to the 2 i already have, do they watch too much tv, do I cook them nutritious dinners, do I spend enough quality time with them ....
And worry I couldn't manage 3!!! Does that sound ridiculous? But at the same time, can't just say no more and forget about it.....

inthegutter · 04/01/2008 13:32

There was a similar thread the other day, where someone made the very good point 'Do you want another BABY or another CHILD?' which i think is very apt. Most people probably have doubts embarking on any pregnancy, but maybe if you mentally 'fast forward' to a few years time and try to imagine life with 3 children, you'll have a better instinct as to whether that's what you want. IME most or at least many, mothers have a yearning for 'one more baby' which doesn't go away however many you've had!

pucca · 04/01/2008 14:07

Inthegutter....Thats the thing, with me, i hate pregnancy, hate the thought of another section, and not too keen on the first year of having another.

It is definately another child i want, infact wish i could just by pass the actual pregnancy and first 6 months all together lol

MerryKIFmas · 04/01/2008 14:43

You could always adopt (though that's a bit of a different kettle of fish)

ca7439 · 05/01/2008 15:34

Right, have taken the plunge. Made an appointment to have my coil removed... yikes!!!

pucca · 06/01/2008 12:59

Ca7439....ohhh scary lol, i am scared of going for it.

jennifersofia · 06/01/2008 13:23

Pg with no.3. It doesn't really make a lot of sense, money-wise, space-wise, time-wise - keen and nervous at the same time.

For us, I just didn't feel finished. I did worry that I would have 3rd and still have that feeling, but now pg I feel quite settled that this is the last.
Other factors - my parents had 2, one of whom died when he was 25, so now they only have me, and I live in another continent, meaning they only see grandchildren 1-2x year. They have both told me that they wish they had had another. Also dp was 1 of 2, and his dsis has MS, will never have a partner or children.
I just felt if anything were to happen to one of my children, I wouldn't want the other to feel very alone and needing to hold entire burden of parental support.
Plus I do feel that having children is the best thing I have done, and it is a joy to see how much the dd's get out of their relationship with each other.

MrsBond · 06/01/2008 16:21

I have just bought some folic acid in Salisbury's... (BOGOF - go and get um in girls!) So I guess I am taking plunge this year......

Jennifer - your reasons are all good and valid. I also have a friend who has chosen to have 3 because she lost her only sibling and didn't want her children to experience being alone (although we all hope it is unlikely to happen).

I also feel my children have bought me a lot of joy - so surely a third will only add to that (even if hard work...)

misspoppoff · 06/01/2008 19:35

One thing to consider is the impact on your middle child - my dh is a middle child of 3 children who were very close together and the youngest was very demanding. As a result he does feel that he missed out on a lot of attention. The studies on birth order are interesting - again suggesting that the middle child is the one that struggles to feel it has a true role in the family and this can impact self esteem and achievements in the future. I'm sure these effects can be avoided with wise parenting but worth thinking about.

oldwomanwholivedinashoe · 06/01/2008 19:48

pucca you sound just like me. my dd is 3.5 and my ds is 2 this week. I would love a third. I always imagined a large family but we found it very hard going from 1 to 2. ds is a proper boy and doesnt sit still for more than 5 mins. he's really hard work and (feel ashamed for saying this but ..) I actually like going to work because i get a rest from him BUT I love him loads obviously.
dd is a really 'easy' child.
Both were easy babies adn they are both good eaters adn sleepers.
dh is worried that a third would put strain on our relationship.

saff · 06/01/2008 19:51

if you have third will have to have fourth as one may get left out

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