Don't like asking DC to help around the house

[Tearshavefinallycome]

Please give my head a wobble.

I have ds9 and dss11 and I hate asking / telling them to help with stuff around the house. I do ask sometimes and they do it without issue, but I CRINGE when I ask and it takes me some time to pluck up the courage. And then I'll tell them I'll pay them at end of the week in their pocket money rather then just let them crack on and contribute to the house.

Wtf is wrong with me?

Dh comes home from work and just gets them to it, why can't I? He doesn't tell them he'll give them extra pocket money. They do as he asks without any trouble and I know they would for me too.

Please tell me what the fuck is going on in my head and how to fix it. I struggle most of all asking my dss because I am step mum and ... well... I don't know. None of it makes much sense.

Think of it as a follow-on from toilet training, feeding themselves, tying their shoelaces and fastening the zips on their own jackets...
Life skills.. leads to independent adults
Future partner will thank you for housetraining your kids... they should ALL do dishes, clean bathrooms, laundry, changjng beds,cook, foodshop and iron.
It is called growing up.

I want to raise children who are able to look after themselves when they go out into the world and not just more lazy Cock Lodgers so I need to get my arse into gear

.. oh and they do NOT need paid for being part of the family team... no extra pocket money required....

It's like I don't want them to hate me, I come from an abusive childhood and have struggled with people pleasing all my life.

I've got to grips with not trying to please adults. My children are another matter...

It’s great you’re trying to find out why you don’t like asking them. Did you have to do lots of housework when you were young?

My mil was very much like you with my dh and bil. You're just setting them up to expect their future partners to do everything for them. My DH is only just now (8 years into our relationship) starting to understand that it isn't my job to do everything at home. Bil still lives at home at 25 and does nothing. Mil even tidies bedroom ...
It's not a good thing. They need to learn independence. It's a huge part of growing up.

@Bonbon21

.. oh and they do NOT need paid for being part of the family team... no extra pocket money required....

I absolutely know this and agree 100%

It's like I panic and add it on, even as they have started doing their chores.

I have to stop this ridiculous behaviour

Have a head wobble on me.

And get a grip!

HTH!

Women's Aid said to me once that children don't like the weak. You need to be strong to cope with life and if they can achieve small tasks it will be helpful to them. And you.

Sorry x posted! Thought it would be to do with your childhood,

@peboh

My mil was very much like you with my dh and bil. You're just setting them up to expect their future partners to do everything for them. My DH is only just now (8 years into our relationship) starting to understand that it isn't my job to do everything at home. Bil still lives at home at 25 and does nothing. Mil even tidies bedroom ... It's not a good thing. They need to learn independence. It's a huge part of growing up.

This, exactly

@LizzieSiddal

It’s great you’re trying to find out why you don’t like asking them. Did you have to do lots of housework when you were young?

I didn't do any housework. My mum did it all.

I was however, her therapist from a very young age.

Please ask them to help out, as has been pointed out there's zero need to add to the future pile of men who can't/won't help around the house with their future families. It's not like you're sending them down the mines, if you don't like asking stick a rota up or something.

@coodawoodashooda

Women's Aid said to me once that children don't like the weak. You need to be strong to cope with life and if they can achieve small tasks it will be helpful to them. And you.

Interesting way of looking at it. Thank you for posting this.

I want to raise children who are able to look after themselves when they go out into the world

Just keep reminding yourself of this!l it is a GOOD thing to do for your Dc.

To get around having to ask them all the time, could you give them “Jobs” which they do each day? So they just get in with their “jobs” without you asking. Mine used to clear the table every night after their tea and load the dishwasher. They didn’t need to be asked after a few weeks, it just became part of their routine.

@Yabyboda

Please ask them to help out, as has been pointed out there's zero need to add to the future pile of men who can't/won't help around the house with their future families. It's not like you're sending them down the mines, if you don't like asking stick a rota up or something.

Yes, I said this in my pp

If I help create more cocklodgers I will be pretty devastated

I believe this to be true. Nobody likes a boss with no backbone.

@LizzieSiddal

I want to raise children who are able to look after themselves when they go out into the world

Just keep reminding yourself of this!l it is a GOOD thing to do for your Dc.

To get around having to ask them all the time, could you give them “Jobs” which they do each day? So they just get in with their “jobs” without you asking. Mine used to clear the table every night after their tea and load the dishwasher. They didn’t need to be asked after a few weeks, it just became part of their routine.

Thank you.

This is a good idea.

There are a few things we would get them to do as part of their routine instead of asking randomly to help

What jobs do you think you should ask them to do but don't?

I relate. Remember, abusers ask you to do things for them (for their benefit, frustration, feelings), not for you (not for any consideration of you). Think of the value of knowing you raised adults who know how to wash dishes/load dishwasher. This is part of life responsibility. Remind yourself it is for them. When they do not do it, well, in reality, they are not living on their own tomorrow so they actually do not have to immediately start helping. But take a step back and think of what their own long term goals might be for themselves and ask them to consider this.

All the best

OP - I hear you! It's not even that I feel awkward asking my DC, I just don't!

However, I wasn't really asked to do any/many chores as a child. I still do the majority of jobs on our house. But I have 2 boys so am very concious that almost certainly changes things. I am very aware I could be raising man-children to inflict on future partners. I also need a head wobble.

@coodawoodashooda

What jobs do you think you should ask them to do but don't?

I do ask them, and they do get on with it...but I hate asking and I don't ask regularly because I cringe inside

Loading / unloading dishwasher
Loading / unloading washing machine
Hoover
Dusting of their bedrooms
Tidying bedrooms

@scaredsadandstuck

OP - I hear you! It's not even that I feel awkward asking my DC, I just don't!

However, I wasn't really asked to do any/many chores as a child. I still do the majority of jobs on our house. But I have 2 boys so am very concious that almost certainly changes things. I am very aware I could be raising man-children to inflict on future partners. I also need a head wobble.

Yes exactly this...I don't want future partners to curse me for raising lazy arse men who can't take care of themselves and think it's all down to the woman

Although my dh is very good with housework so hopefully that will rub off on them

You are doing them a massive favour! I had chores growing up.
DD age 6 has little chores, putting her toys away (I’ll help) putting her dirty clothes in the wash basket/washing machine and not leaving them on the floor. She likes to have a go at polishing and vacuuming too bless her.

@Suzi888

You are doing them a massive favour! I had chores growing up. DD age 6 has little chores, putting her toys away (I’ll help) putting her dirty clothes in the wash basket/washing machine and not leaving them on the floor. She likes to have a go at polishing and vacuuming too bless her.

🙂