Don't like asking DC to help around the house

[Tearshavefinallycome]

Please give my head a wobble.

I have ds9 and dss11 and I hate asking / telling them to help with stuff around the house. I do ask sometimes and they do it without issue, but I CRINGE when I ask and it takes me some time to pluck up the courage. And then I'll tell them I'll pay them at end of the week in their pocket money rather then just let them crack on and contribute to the house.

Wtf is wrong with me?

Dh comes home from work and just gets them to it, why can't I? He doesn't tell them he'll give them extra pocket money. They do as he asks without any trouble and I know they would for me too.

Please tell me what the fuck is going on in my head and how to fix it. I struggle most of all asking my dss because I am step mum and ... well... I don't know. None of it makes much sense.

@LemonDrizzles

I relate. Remember, abusers ask you to do things for them (for their benefit, frustration, feelings), not for you (not for any consideration of you). Think of the value of knowing you raised adults who know how to wash dishes/load dishwasher. This is part of life responsibility. Remind yourself it is for them. When they do not do it, well, in reality, they are not living on their own tomorrow so they actually do not have to immediately start helping. But take a step back and think of what their own long term goals might be for themselves and ask them to consider this.

All the best

this

Youre absolutely doing the right thing. If you're literally just saying :
"Oh could you pop your plate in the dishwasher when you're done"
"Please could someone give me a hand sorting this washing"
"If I leave the hoover out could you give your room a quick clean, ta"
You're not nagging or being mean, it's just making it second nature to them.

Your kids should not be doing the housework.

It's absolute laziness from parents who do so and all the worse when they pretend it's so that they know what to do when they're older. You can teach kids to use the washing machine without making them 'practice' it 365 days a year.

If you don't want to do housework yourself get a cleaner, don't use your kids as unpaid labour.

They can keep their own rooms clean but you shouldn't be expecting them to do much more than that. If you choose to become a parent you accept that you are going to have to spend more time on chores. Not willing- then don't become a parent.

@ouch321

Your kids should not be doing the housework.

It's absolute laziness from parents who do so and all the worse when they pretend it's so that they know what to do when they're older. You can teach kids to use the washing machine without making them 'practice' it 365 days a year.

If you don't want to do housework yourself get a cleaner, don't use your kids as unpaid labour.

They can keep their own rooms clean but you shouldn't be expecting them to do much more than that. If you choose to become a parent you accept that you are going to have to spend more time on chores. Not willing- then don't become a parent.

What a load of utter cobblers.

DD has CHOSEN to have a laundry basket in her room, washes, dries and folds her own clothes at 11. Because she loves being part of the household and feeling grown up. She also cooks, unloads the dishwasher except the knives and looks after the pets.

It's a life skill to plan and manage laundry, not just know how it's done.

I’d recommend everyone Ignores any goady posts.

@LizzieSiddal

I’d recommend everyone Ignores any goady posts.

I know but I'm a terrier. Someone throws a ball, I chase it.

I knowbut I'm a terrier. Someone throws a ball, I chase it.

🤣

🤣🤣🤣

Could your DH help you with this? Like you could all sit down and agree what jobs your children should be helping with and that you think they're old enough to do some of them without being asked. Maybe a tick list that they could try to do across the week or something. Then you'd be able to mostly praise them for doing things rather than feel like you have to ask. This does rely on having pretty amazing kids though! Realistically, you're going to have to ask sometimes!

Whoever said it becomes part of routine was right.
DS is 13 now. He does the following...
Puts clothes in wash basket
Tidys, hoovers and dusts his room
Washes dishes if he is only one who ate
Cleans bathroom after use
Empties bin if he puts rubbish in that fills it to top
He knows how to switch washing machine on and cleans his own football boots

Around the house he either washes or dries dishes
Puts his own clean clothes away
Doesn't mind running hoover round downstairs

Ive encouraged it not because I won't or can't do it myself but because his grandma was still packing his father's work bag and laying clothes out in order he got dressed when I met him at 21.

My own sons are raised to be able to look after their own basic needs, think for themselves and not end up lazy shits who expect everything done for them.

I am however a decent parent who cooks, cleans and provides for them

I think it is unfair, bordering on selfish, to keep children dependent on their parents to do all the domestic in their lives for them. Then they go to uni/college at 18 , with all that entails and find they have all the life skills still to learn in a new environment. All that pressure all at the same time..
When they first step out of their comfort zone as young adults, it gives them confidence that they can at least look after themselves day to day.
And saves Mum and Dad being frantic back home!!!😉

@ohidoliketobe

Youre absolutely doing the right thing. If you're literally just saying : "Oh could you pop your plate in the dishwasher when you're done" "Please could someone give me a hand sorting this washing" "If I leave the hoover out could you give your room a quick clean, ta" You're not nagging or being mean, it's just making it second nature to them.

This

Picking after themselves, cleaning their room and doing simple tasks (laying/lifting the table, sorting out clean clothes and folding...) is enough at that age, in my opinion

It’s exactly like potty training or feeding like someone above mentioned. To get to 18 and go out the door to life without gradually learning day to day chores, cooking is going to be a hard struggle

There’s a very big difference in getting a teen to do all the household cleaning and unloading the dishwasher which presumably has his plates going in, or sorting the laundry.

My son is 1. Yes just 1 year. I’m not sending him down the mines or making him scrub the floors, but he already knows his dirty clothes go in the basket and helps with basics like unload his plastic bits from dishwasher with us, set table for meals.
It’s not that dh and I are sitting around whilst he sets the table alone, more that he already sees it as a communal family thing before we eat, with one of us getting water and glass, him finding his mat and cutlery, someone dishing up

I don’t want him to learn he can just sit around expecting someone else to do everything alone.

@ouch321

Your kids should not be doing the housework.

It's absolute laziness from parents who do so and all the worse when they pretend it's so that they know what to do when they're older. You can teach kids to use the washing machine without making them 'practice' it 365 days a year.

If you don't want to do housework yourself get a cleaner, don't use your kids as unpaid labour.

They can keep their own rooms clean but you shouldn't be expecting them to do much more than that. If you choose to become a parent you accept that you are going to have to spend more time on chores. Not willing- then don't become a parent.

😂

When they first step out of their comfort zone as young adults, it gives them confidence that they can at least look after themselves day to day.

My DD's plan is that she is such a good cook (and she is) that her university mates will do all the cleaning up and shopping in order to have her cook for them. Sneaky child.

Would you find it easier to make it a team effort - as in ‘You load the dishwasher please, you sort out a load of washing please, I’ll run the hoover round then we can all have a sit down!’ So you aren’t asking them to do things while you’re not, you’re asking everyone to muck in as a team. Would that be perhaps a first step?

There is something in what a PP said.

I believe my mum did everything for me to keep me dependent on her. She never wanted me to move out or start my own life. I went to uni and nearly burned the halls of residence down on my first night there when I tried to cook. I had no idea how to use a washing machine. I couldn't take care of myself. I ended up going back to live with her and stayed until I was in my 30s. When I eventually moved out she had a massive mare, caused a huge ruckus, made me out to be an awful daughter to our extended family, and didn't speak to me for weeks.

OP you sound great.
You're right of course as you already knew at the start of the thread- it would be good for both you and the dc to get them to contribute by doing jobs around the house.
And you also already know why this is so difficult in practice, it's due to your own emotional experiences in childhood.
It's not always easy to heal and recover from childhood experiences- just because you know logically what you need to do, if something is holding you back on an emotional level then you will need to address this before you can make any real progress.
I would suggest that a good therapist could probably help you a lot with this, and also with other areas of life that don't seem to be flowing as easily as you feel that they should. Don't be hard on yourself as that will be counterproductive. The way forward I think lies on being kind to yourself and getting the help you need for yourself to move forward.
Since I have been having therapy ALL of my relationships go better than they did previously.

You’re definitely doing the right thing in teaching them how to do everyday tasks and to teach them they need to pull their weight. Would it be easier for them if they had set chores?

Thank you, snog

I had 3 years therapy which ended last year. I've done 1 on 1 therapy, CBT and group therapy.

Unfortunately, I never brought up my mother in any of these sessions, except at the second to last session. It's like I was in denial/ protecting her

Plus there were other traumas I needed to unpick. Many traumas. I have been diagnosed with complex ptsd. My therapy work has changed my life...boundaries and relationships have changed drastically. But the question of my mother still hangs and hasn't been properly looked at.

Unfortunately the free therapy ran out, and I can't afford to go privately.

It helps to post on here and get other opinions and chat about the ins and outs of things. I've already found this thread very helpful, especially the posters who have picked up on my past and how it's effecting my present

But hopefully not my future!

@Duracellbunnywannabe

You’re definitely doing the right thing in teaching them how to do everyday tasks and to teach them they need to pull their weight. Would it be easier for them if they had set chores?

We did try set chores for a bit but honestly when it came tk me reminding them...the words get stuck in my throat and I end up doing it myself...

Christ...I hope I am not turning into my mother!?!

Tbh I didn't do much at home 🤷🏻‍♀️ simple tasks like laying/lifting the table, helping her sort the laundry and fold the underwear (which nowadays I don't 😂), tidy my room.

BUT I was around when she was doing things, watching her, learning a few things here and there. So, even though I had only actually fried eggs at home, I dove right into cooking when I went to uni and nowadays I'm much more of a cooker than my mum was. I never struggled with laundry, ironing or cleaning, even though I hadn't done much at all before. I knew from being present.

What I mean to say is, don't shoosh your kids away and chat about what you're doing, how you're dividing clothes by colour and why, how you are ironing lthe shirt cuffs....

Btw, my brother is the same he's also much happier cooking then my mum is

@grey12

Tbh I didn't do much at home 🤷🏻‍♀️ simple tasks like laying/lifting the table, helping her sort the laundry and fold the underwear (which nowadays I don't 😂), tidy my room.

BUT I was around when she was doing things, watching her, learning a few things here and there. So, even though I had only actually fried eggs at home, I dove right into cooking when I went to uni and nowadays I'm much more of a cooker than my mum was. I never struggled with laundry, ironing or cleaning, even though I hadn't done much at all before. I knew from being present.

What I mean to say is, don't shoosh your kids away and chat about what you're doing, how you're dividing clothes by colour and why, how you are ironing lthe shirt cuffs....

This is a good point actually

I used to shoosh them away so I could get on with it...