How do you help an only DD not grow up lonely?

[momtoone]

We are older parents of a nearly 5 year old DD? our friends and families children are grown up or aged at least age 12, consequently there is no one for her to play with on a regular basis. She loves to interact with others and is very outgoing (although at the same time can be excruciatingly shy.) If she has no one to play with she will always be interacting with us and she will often ask me who she can play with that day. There is absolutely zero chance of her having a sibling (not my choice).

Although it doesn't come so naturally for me I try to engage with other mothers at the school and my daughter goes to another child's house or a child comes to ours maybe once a week after school and occasionally at weekends. However I cannot rely on this and she is often left feeling let down. The problem was especially sad at Xmas- everyone was away or had family staying. DD spent a whole week without playing with other children.

We don't live in a neighbourhood where you can just go outside and find a child to play with either so I don't see the problem getting easier as she grows up, though I imagine she will make friends at school quite easily. I have tried groups with her before but she gets really shy in loud noisy groups (She is a real chatterbox with one or two friends.)She is fairly good at finding entertaining things at home to do but I would hate for her to look back on her childhood as a lonely one. Any helpful suggestions?

Try rainbows, its like pre brownies, top age 7. It would give her an outsde interest and she would be meeting people outside school. Hopefully it will be a smallish group and it would be a weekly thing. I do sympathise, i was an only child and things do get a bit lonely. If you can appear confident in social situations (even if you dont feel it) it will give her more confidence in having a go herself. We have recently moved house to a new city and I have had to force myself to make an effort with other mums. It was tricky at first but it has paid off and now we are making friendships.Good luck

Aw I synpathise with you completely, and think you are very caring top be worrying for her. My ds will be my only but he has step brothers and lots of cousins and I childmind, so if anything sometimes he has too much interaction!

I would keep encouraging the play dates, even if it is you always doing the organising, a lot of parents won't 'need' play dates setting up like your dd so I would encourage her to invite her friends over.

I would also keep trying other groups, not all will be big and loud and she may find a couple of nice friends along the way. What about swimming lessons or something else she may be interested in?

Also even a child with lots of siblings needs to be encouraged to entertain themselves to a certain degree, so don't feel too bad, no child can have constant attention and interaction, it wouldn't be realistic.

hth

I would second rainbows too. These kinds of activities are great for social skills, confidence, independence. All kids love the camps and make friends through them. Scouts did wonders for my dss.

really understand and sympathize with you momtoone..we're exactly same situation as you(although not 'older' parents).DD is 5 1/2 and in year 1 at school now.has one 'best' friend that we've exchanged playdates(feel guilty,unlike you it's more like once a fortnight,not weekly ).
like you,we're her main playmates and i worry because i think she is an extrovert(unlike i who was an introvert only which helped hugely i think).she's just spent WHOLE Xmas holiday with just us and grandparents.I'm worn out trying to be both mum and friend ,because it's hard to keep up with chores,in holidays,as she justs sits watching tv for hours if no-one to play with.I don't mind doing it,but it's so hard to be a 5 year old again!.
don't do clubs yet,after school because she's been really tired for her first reception year.may try to get her into afterschool club just one night a week though after Xmas,just for socialising,and put her name down for Rainbows or Brownies.
i'm at a loss myself to advise and need some too-like you say,those you want to invite are otherwise busy/in afterschool clubs/other lessons e.t.c.-no neighbours suitable to play with here either.those with larger families,often have family commitments-not as much time for friends.

any tips for extrovert onlies anyone(or problems youv'e encountered-will it sort itself out as they get older and more independant?!).
good luck and thanks for starting this thread.there must be loads more parents of onlies felt this way at Xmas.you are not alone.
another problem is my DD is filling the need for people i think,by being very materialistis/demanding,you know thinking X will make her happy and choosing a toy because in her words "it is like a real person".if it's not that i get nagged about having a pet(mainly cat or dog) and i'm totally againest having any for various reasons,and it is thrown in my face constantly by tv and peer pressure from school,like the whole world's got a pet but her-feel extremely guilty and sad.
got her a virtually real doll and dog-no good,can't fool her-they don't react 'naturally' enough for her and even frustrate her if they don't 'hear' her!!....
sorry to go on,just wanted to share and get it off my chest
thankyou
happy new year BTW everyone

glad to see some respones already.thankyou.
meant to say,i never considered Rainbows when DD started school,thought school would just give her enough interaction at first.Didn't realise it was so popular.Another mum,put her childs name on list last christmas and still has no place.So i'm dubious as to whether DD will get in.I would say,get on the list NOW,just in case!.Rainbows is up to 7,so i could still try i guess or if not even put her down for Brownies!.
BTW my DD went to pre-school two mornings a week,and was very shy.Was friendly but hated the noise and chaos,would freeze if trouble broke out around her,but school has really changed her in just one year and now she will go into soft play areas and get 'stuck in' and not mind boys flying round her e.t.c.
i can see improvement in her social skills even without my help.think you just have to persevere putting them into 'chaotic' situations and they gradually get used to coping with it.
like others have said,i think our onlies will be ok so long as we care about their needs and i think being an only myself helps me understand(and her dad is too),although the difference in personalities poses a problem!.Thinking of getting a book about raising onlies for ideas-any favourite books anyone?
thanks

sorry about your medical situation differnet.I've had difficulty 'deciding' on that for 3 years,but have felt so againest having another lately because,i feel the extra stress/tiredness/age gap would all make life worse than better and unfortunately for my DD,it would be about a 6 year gap,therefore,not giving her a 'playmate' as she might imagine.I know she would love them and have someone later in life(maybe!),but it makes my quest to give her company/some sort of life difficult-would have the baby needing me,would be grumpy to her with tiredness(like that now!-think i am also a bit depressed though too),would be harder to take her places with a baby in tow/different needs e.t.c.
-a lot of people including you may disagree with this...it's just how i feel though-but so sad for you that the choice is gone too.It is hard when they ask though,but i just tell her it is up to God to decide if we should have another-which is how it is really.And she stopped asking after that.
I agree with you,about 'pestering' other mums regarding playdates-same child with my DD too and you know that the other child has other offers of playdates also,which they take up,leaving them not as free obviously.If that child has siblings too,the sibling also has playdates/clubs which the mum has to sort out,so it's hard to get playdates regular as other people are so tied up(also mums work so not available either!)

sorry i meant different-really crap typing today.-thanks for that about a pet-sorry it's not solved the problem.It does make me realise though that,it's not a definate given that it would solve mine either!-anyone else feel the same,that a pet doesn't necessarily cure lonliness!
the martial arts thing sounds good-would be great for confidence no doubt

From a mum of a reception age child with two children, I would like to say that I think the frustration and loneliness a reception aged child feels when not at school is not limited to only children, and I think it is more to do with having 30 children to play with every day, then suddenly they aren't around for 3 weeks.

I have a 20 month old as well, so only a 3 year age gap, and they aren't really company for each other, they don't play together, they fight.

And (just to add) when I was 5 my mother had another baby, and I was outraged, hated his guts, was arse clenchingly jealous, nasty and violent towards him and as a result have a crap relationship with him. having a sibling won't solve any of these problems, because I think it is only subsequent children who benefit greatly from having a sibling. I don't recall ever being glad I had a brother or feeling less lonely as a result of his birth.

Fantastic responses, very useful and it's good to feel that I'm not the only one with this problem. Will definitely look into Rainbows, dd is already on a swimming list -not sure if swimming lessons will get her friends though. Like some of you have said dd is in reception too and I have delayed looking into after school groups until she's adjusted -the chaos and noise really has taken it out of her too- but I think she'll be ready for a club this next term.

I think my memories of my own childhood colour the way I look at dd - I am not an only (3 Brothers) but it wouldn't have mattered so much where I grew up, there were loads of kids my age and we all met outside in the back drive after school and ran around in a big gang, all you had to do to find a playmate was hang around and someone would eventually come out and play with you. I don't think my mum knew what a playdate was! Sorry starting to sound like an old codger reminiscing, it would be nice if dd could find friends without me making all the effort but that's life where we live.

thanks different.
i sometimes think i should of had another sooner,but then,i didn't feel ready or willing to take on two and always visualised that it would be best to wait till DD was at school-but now i've got cold feet again!
yes shame about the cousin.same problem here.unfortunately no cousins at all.mind you,i didn't see mine growing up,and some live in other countries so i made do with friends.i had next door sisters to play with though and other neighbours,that is why i'm so sad there are no neighbours here for DD.
makes me want to move just for that sometimes,but i know that it may be the same elsewhere-just not as much 'community' anymore is there?!.

I suggest going to a lot of kids events in the hols to meet other children and their parents. Then take their contact details, ask them to play or to attend similar future events with you. It's nice for a child to have friends other than school friends.

If you are happy to do more of the work in friendships eg you take other kids out/have them to play/ collect them and drop them off more than 50% of the time and tell other parents that you are happy to do this without lots of return invites,then most parents will be delighted!

If there is only 1 child in the class who your child plays with then arranging playdates with other children may help her to form new friendships.

There are things to do where the whole family gets involved with other whole families - eg share an allottment with another family, get involved in conservation projects, community projects etc.

Are any of these ideas suitable for you? I have an only child - she is very outgoing but is also happy in her own company or with parents/grandparents to play with. Occaisionally she says she feels lonely, but no more often than I would expect that a child with siblings would say this.

Darth what you say is good, I already do a lot of this (i do more than 50% of work on dd's friendships!)it's just Xmas that got to me -everyone was away/having visitors or I was afraid of intruding on their festivities. The family projects thing is worth thinking about, though she might be a bit young yet.

yes,thankyou darthvader
that is true,i think other parents do not respond to playdates because maybe they feel they have to reciprocate as much and if they can't/don't want to,they just say 'maybe' and nothing happens-if they are told that you are willing to do the work they might be more tempted?!.
i may try this with others that DD wants to have home but up to now,have not taken me up on anything.
also true that she should also get friends other than 'school' friends.

i think summer hols may be a bit easier as you get talking to people more when you are outside too,like playgrounds.also a 2 week holiday,i suppose,like Xmas,tends to be 'reserved' for families i suppose,and before you know it,theyr'e back to school.easier to get together with old friends during 6 weeks breaks.
i suppose Xmas does make you visualise bigger happy families,but having saying that we've just tried to make the most of being a three and being together,but unfortunately my DH hasn't had much time off,so it's been just me and DD,which can get a bit too intense at times and tiring for me,as us mums still have to keep going with all the Xmas chores e.t.c. don't we and when they tire of the Xmas toys,you think now what?!

Yes happyathome, I think the big happy family ideal may have snuck up on me unaware -maybe the other hols won't be as bad, as you say. It certainly can be tiring keeping them occupied when there is no one else for them to play with - i'm afraid we've watched far more TV than I would like this xmas.

Could have written yr post Momtoone (although I'm still trying for 2nd but getting v. v. old now!!)

It doesn't come naturally to me either but like you I do arrange loads of play dates for my dd. The children she sees most of tend to be in same boat and are also single children.

Great suggestion here about family projects.
Sorry - not much help - just want to say I identify with the problem. Christmas wasn't too bad for us we were ill and dh was at home (!)but last summer was awful. Must have some alternative strategies in place for this year ....

hmm counting-just thought to myself,maybe if i could find out somehow if there are any other onlies in DD's year,maybe i could get them together.surely the parents would be more up for playdates and be more understanding.might even find friendships myself with like minded people?!
thanks for input

We went through this ten years ago, worrying about our dd being on her own. We did try different things but due to the time they started and when she finished school she found it difficult to concentrate because she had not had time to eat and rest.

She has friends now, but gets a little annoyed sometimes as she treasures her private time to relax and unwind.

I did think it was fairly typical in that after the event I began to discover there was a lot more going on around us then we realised.

Some suggestions: Ask at your local library if they are aware of any group activities for your daughters age. Contact child services at your local authority, many now have a directory of youth activities in your area. They would also be aware of anyone in your area working with families with young children.

Although I wasn't an only child, there was a big age gap between me and my siblings so in many ways it was like being an only....

It is something I really worried about with my own dd because through circumstances there is a similar age gap between her and her brothers. And I do think it's harder in some ways now because children tend to play outside less so are less likely to develop friendships spontaneously with local children.

From what I recall, the bits I found hardest as a child were the holidays - especially the summer holidays because we usually had to have our summer holiday outside school holidays (because of dad's job) and so there were very few children around to play with.

The sort of stuff I would recommend for the holidays are:

before school breaks up, talk to some of the other parents and nominate one morning/afternoon per week as a time for meeting up at a local park. Obviously some families will be away but hopefully if you turn up so will other children your dd knows.

Look into activity mornings at museums, etc. If you can afford it, how about a holiday club one day a week?

Find out when everyone else is away and set up playdates before the holidays starts.

If you have friends with children the same age who you don't see regularly because they live in a different part of the country, try to get into the habit of meeting up with them during the school holidays.

I do think the Christmas holidays can be the hardest as many families are busy with visiting relatives, etc and lots of places are shut during winter.