How do you help an only DD not grow up lonely?

[momtoone]

We are older parents of a nearly 5 year old DD? our friends and families children are grown up or aged at least age 12, consequently there is no one for her to play with on a regular basis. She loves to interact with others and is very outgoing (although at the same time can be excruciatingly shy.) If she has no one to play with she will always be interacting with us and she will often ask me who she can play with that day. There is absolutely zero chance of her having a sibling (not my choice).

Although it doesn't come so naturally for me I try to engage with other mothers at the school and my daughter goes to another child's house or a child comes to ours maybe once a week after school and occasionally at weekends. However I cannot rely on this and she is often left feeling let down. The problem was especially sad at Xmas- everyone was away or had family staying. DD spent a whole week without playing with other children.

We don't live in a neighbourhood where you can just go outside and find a child to play with either so I don't see the problem getting easier as she grows up, though I imagine she will make friends at school quite easily. I have tried groups with her before but she gets really shy in loud noisy groups (She is a real chatterbox with one or two friends.)She is fairly good at finding entertaining things at home to do but I would hate for her to look back on her childhood as a lonely one. Any helpful suggestions?

Hi HappyatHome [waves]

Libraries/museums/nominating one afternoon in park for a meet-up are all good ideas - also forgot to mention dance or theatre classes. I know these might not carry on through summer but you might meet other children there and can build up from that.

Failing all that, could you advertise in your local rag for a family in a similar position with a view to getting together over the holiday perhaps? Even if it's just one or two structured activities a week, it's better than nowt.

thanks dgeorgea for tips!

great ideas satsuma and counting too.
many thanks .

all of this is really helping, thanks to everyone.

Hi
momtoone
This sounds very familiar to my situation.
We are older parents of a only 7 year old ds.

I worry all of the time about my ds that he doesn't ever get any interaction with other children.
We live in a fairly quiet street where there isn't really any other children to play with
there are no cousins of his own age they are all grown up.
Part of my problem as well and I beat myself up about this every day is that I am painfully shy and find it extremely difficult to get out and about which of course affects the things that my ds gets to do.
I don't have any close friends at all with children of his age and do feel that if I did my sons life would be much more fun.

I did put him into scouts but it became a battle getting him to go it seems my ds has to spend alot of time with other children to get to know them properly and see them as friends and I don,t think the 1 hour each week was enough for him to settle properly.

He loves his school friends and has told me they are his friends.
He seems quite popular at school and has many friends and he has had many playdates after school.

But if I suggest anything thats going on in the holidays that we could go to he never wants to go and I do think its because he is an only and probably feels like the odd one out.
I do have deep regrets about having an only.
I also wish I could overcome my shyness and make some friends with children of his age.

zez, I know the feeling of beating yourself up about this very well and your ds does sound like my dd in that she takes a long time to warm to people/situations. Myself, it feels unnatural to try and make friends with someone just for my dd's sake and not necessarily because I like them - I guess I'm just not an extrovert.

momtoone I think there are a lot of different levels and types of friendship out there...and you would have something in common with your dd's friends' parents straightaway - your kids, their school and living in the same area!

I am speaking as someone who used to only have very close, deep and meaningful friendships and was therefore ultra picky about who I wanted to be friends with...since becoming a mummy I have a lot of more casual friends too and I really like it.

As your dd gets older, you may find things easier in that there will be little need to spend time with the parents of her friends unless you actively choose to.

Also I think that a lot of only children who are sociable by nature develop the ability to approach others in strange or new situations and to successfully seek out friendship. Children who have siblings often have no need to develop these skills. Your child is still very young so if she is shy at the moment that may well be just a passing stage.

As the parent of an only, you are welcomed as a playmate - an opportunity you may well not have had if she had a sibling. My daughter shares her world of play with me...and I share mine with her...this is an amazing dimension of life for me and is very bonding and creative. The bond of a parent with an only child is a very special one and it could not be replicated if you had more children.

Have a look at my old thread on the joys of only children if you fancy it here. Having just one child really does give you both myriad delights and opportunities which would not be available to you if you had more children.

thanks for that Darthvader, I'm not finding I'm liking spending time with most of the parents of my dd's friends so far, though there is one woman I have really hit it off with, which is really good. I'm hopeful about what you say about things getting better as she gets older AND the fact that SOME of her shyness may pass. We do have a close bond (though I'm not an only and in fact the youngest of 4 but still had that close bond with my mum). It's great to hear such a positive message.

Momtoone - I have found that generally with my kids, there are only one or two mothers of kids in their class that I truly hit it off with - like another poster said, there can be degrees of friendship.

With my dd, luckily I have got to be good friends with the mother of one of her best friends. With ds1, he is not at all interested in being friends with the children of any of the mothers I like from his class! (Tbh he hasn't really formed any close friendships so far, in spite of my efforts to arrange playdates, etc. I don't think he really shares the same interests as most of the other boys in his class and would probably get on better with the girls if he could get over the fact that they are girls!)