Mum guilt and exhaustion

[xxxx2022]

Been awake now with my 6 week old who hasn’t settled for 2 hours

I’m trying to start a routine and get them to bed for around 7.30/8. This has been fine but the past 2 nights they’ve woke up for hours wide awake and unsettled and I don’t know what to do

They won’t sleep past 7.30 so that’s when my day starts and I’m just exhausted I’m not sleeping at all

They’ll only nap on me - won’t let me put them down for a nap. I can’t do any housework , anything and can’t catch up on sleep

I’m sat here crying as I type this my day is just spent sat in my living room (leaving to get bits for baby) feeding, changing, playing and having my baby nap on me.

I love them more than anything and I just feel so much guilt for feeling upset that im not getting sleep or getting to do anything. Last time I took them out in the pram we went into a shop and they screamed I had to take them out and hold them whilst pushing the pram and I just felt so deflated I’m starting to not want to leave the house

And lately all I keep seeing is people saying how their babies my age sleep through and sleep amazing and it just makes me feel like a failure because I can’t even get mine to nap alone

I know it's tough but 6 weeks is too early for a routine. Is the problem the long stretch awake in the middle of the night? How many other times does he wake? A 730 start isn't unusual or that bad for the age

Oh OP, 6 weeks is still so tiny. And you're bone tired and still recovering from the birth. The first 8 weeks are tough going.

Anyone who says their newborn baby is sleeping through is chatting shit. My 3 year old only just started sleeping through since Christmas (swapped for a 430 waking every day, but that is another matter).

At this stage all they want is to be held. I found I had to lower my expectations of what I could achieve. Is there anyone who can come over for a couple hours to give you a break so you can sleep.

I know everyone says this but it does get easier, and they will start to settle down.

Sending hugs x

Your routine is around the baby OP. My DS didn't sleep through for months. He had a cows milk allergy and we went through several different types of milk.

Try going for a morning walk the fresh air will make your baby sleep.

The housework can wait. What support do you have?

It’s not the 7.30 start - I used to get up at 6 for work! It’s the fact I’m awake most of the night then can’t get any sleep

The longest stretch they’ve done is 4 hours but usually waking for feeds 2-3 hours

I know they’re still young I feel so guilty when I sit and think I have this perfect baby who won’t be this little ever again and I’m getting upset because I’m not sleeping!

I do have family who are amazing but I just feel like a burden asking them to come over when I nap

I probably need to let go of things but when I see the washing and housework piling up it makes me even more anxious and there’s only certain jobs I can do one handed so most is undone

@xxxx2022 hello I am also a new mum! Mine is nearly 5 weeks. It’s hard!! I think you can have a routine but just don’t expect it to always go to plan. If it helps keep you sane to have a sense of routine then keep trying! I don’t really have one yet and find the evenings really difficult too.. he hates evenings and won’t be put down. Remember that you never meet anyone at 35 who still naps on their mum… 🤣 hard as it is remember it really won’t last forever! DM me if you’d like, it’s really hard I’m in the same boat as you. My day also begins at 7:30- I try and keep my little boy awake more in the evenings, I don’t put him to bed until we go to bed at like 10:30-11pm and I try and keep him awake as much as possible in the evening and then nice bath/wash and cuddle and big feed in bed with low light to try and get him as sleepy as possible! Good luck, you aren’t alone xxxxxz

Do you have a sling or baby carrier? I loved my Hana wrap at that age as my baby wanted to be held all the time too. It was such a relief to have my hands back to myself. I would go out for coffee or lunch with her strapped in the whole time.

It takes time but they will learn to sleep on their own. You could try different types of swaddles and/or a Euan dream sheep? My daughter needed her arms velcro'ed down in a swaddle and liked pink noise (womb noises) to sleep on her own. She only did 3 hour stretches but I learned to adjust to that with time.

I also remember that the 6-12w mark was really difficult bc the cumulative effect of not getting sleep starts to really hit, whereas the first couple weeks you still have a lot of adrenaline to get you through. I found it helpful to just keep reminding myself that this stage won't last forever.

Oh lovely. Get yourself downstairs and make a brew. Stop the tears. You’ve got this. What an amazing mum you are to feel upset and want to do best by your baby. You’re already a fabulous mum, just by thinking that way

A few ideas:

• baby wrap or sling. Get one.
• read up on the 4th trimester. It’ll reassure you that baby is ‘normal’. Google it
• call in reinforcements. Throw any pride or guilt away and pick up the phone to your best friend, mum, dad, and say, I’m struggling because of sleep, can you help.
• relax on the routine front. Lead by baby’s patterns, but remember they’re flexible. We never had a pattern we followed until gone 11-14 weeks.
• any newborn baby groups, do you good to find peer support.
• be kinder to yourself

Definitely agree that 6 weeks is too early for a bedtime routine and very few sleep through. Every baby is also different.

Do you have a sling? If not then nct and other places do sling hires. Would allow you to pop them in and still do things whilst they nap.
Also go for a walk, I know sounds bonkers but it makes a huge difference to you and baby!

What is the set up with your OH? Any chance that they could take them for a few hours in the night or can a friend or family member pop round so you can get a nap in the day?

Sleep deprivation does all sorts to you, your doing brilliantly.

All completely normal. If you’re BFing learn to feed lying down and follow the safe sleep guidance. Then nap and feed at the same time. Game changer!
At /7/7.30 can bay sleep on hubby and give you til midnight to sleep as a head start?

I’m sorry it’s so hard OP. I have a 15 week old and even though it’s normal for 2-3 hourly feeds when they’re so little, it’s hard. DS now only wakes once for a feed in the night so it will get better I promise. If baby will only sleep on you, then let them. DS only slept on me at night for the first 8 weeks or so, in order to get any sleep I slept propped up and dozed surrounded by pillows and DH and I shared the nights. Read up also on thr 4th trimester, it helped me to know what as happening was normal.

The two hours awake in the night will pass too, everything is just a phase when they’re little and remember they’re too young to be spoilt and get into bad habits yet so just do whatever you need.

The days are long but the years are short. You’ll have smiles soon and giggles and it will all feel a bit more worth it.

Oh and forget housework. It might seem important but it isn’t, or get a cleaner if that’s a possibility. Anything you can outsource, do!

If baby is waking during the night and staying awake rather than waking for feeds only, it sounds like they still have their days and nights muddled which is really common

I found that it helped to wake them for 3 hourly for feeds during the day and keeping them in light so they started to learn the difference between day and night. Morning walk is great idea to help set the body clock. Also keeping tv on whilst they nap during the day

I also think aiming for 7:30 bedtime is great and exactly the direction you want to be heading but baby is a bit too young to do 12 Hours yet. Hence the day is starting so early.

BUT it constantly changes anyway, so it's probably easier to go with baby and just wait. You've got this. As others have said it's incredibly hard. Baby is far too young to need anything else than a happy mum so do not feel guilty at all! Getting out etc is for your own benefit. Baby knows no difference.

I think it’s also ok to just not enjoy this stage. I did not and I did have a magical sleeping baby. It’s still just f-ing hard work and boring. If you get the love bug and just want to stare at them great. But I didn’t. Love her to bits now and ironically DO just want to snuggle her/watch her sleep (she’s 3.5 so not that keen on sitting still for long mummy cuddles).

Don’t do what the poster said about sleeping with baby on you propped up with pillows all around her. That is the exact opposite of safe co sleeping.

Both mine were exactly the same at 6 weeks. Screamed all the time unless being held and I was on my knees with exhaustion. I really recommend tucking them into a soft sling.
I also read a load of baby books about routine, that were a load of s**t. Most of the writers never even had their own babies!
They both settled a lot around 10-12 weeks.

Don’t feel a failure, OP! This is a really hard stage. In fact, 6 weeks was the absolute worst point for me with both my babies and it was so tough because everyone kept saying it got easier at 6 weeks! Lies.
The advice people have given here is really good. Slings are brilliant. Stick baby in when he or she starts fussing or seeming tired and go about your business. You can’t bend down much so things like cleaning the bath won’t work but you’ll be able to hoover, hang out the laundry, make a nice sandwich and a cup of tea, and generally feel normal.
The night wakings: are you up in another room feeding baby and then trying to get baby back to sleep? This is what I did with my first and I too was awake all night. With my second I change her in the bedroom, turn the light back off, and feed her in bed in the dark. Phone light so I could pop her back on the boob if she disconnected. It’s been worlds better. Like yours she’s a clinger so I resigned myself to co-sleeping (safely! Check lullaby trust for advice). Now, at about 16 weeks, I’ve successfully shifted her to the cot. (It’s nonsense that once they’re in your bed you’ll never get them out, so ignore anyone who trots that one out or who starts talking about ‘making a rod for your own back’.)
Re getting out of the house: the sling will help. Start with baby in the pregnancy and if it all goes wrong deploy the sling. You’ll feel better because baby will be your against you, even if still crying, and you’ll have both hands for the buggy. Also, practise the standing feed if you’re breastfeeding, I once waited 25 minutes in a queue for prescriptions with baby clamped to my nipple. No one even looked at me and baby made not a peep.
But most of all, ask for help. People will be delighted to hold your lovely baby while you sleep. I think this is what most grandparents secretly hope for!

Pram, not pregnancy!!!

Thank you everyone. Still here awake. Stopped crying a bit but think I’m going to start. Baby won’t sleep in cot now and just wants to be held - which is worrying me as of a night they were so good in the cot it was mainly the day they wouldn’t sleep alone which I’d rather thsn of a night.

I’ve done a stupid thing and googled it which is basically telling me they won’t ever want to sleep anywhere else now and I’ve trained it into them.

Regarding grandparents, close with my mum and dad however they work full time so they’re very helpful but I can’t have them round any time! Regarding DHs mother - I don’t know what it is I don’t really trust her having baby unsupervised. In all honesty she hasnt made much of an effort since he’s been born anyway which makes me reluctant to ask. Also I feel if I asked her to come and look after him while I slept she’d gossip about me to everyone and call me lazy.

I am formula feeding!

I just feel so guilty because I’m wishing for sleep but everyone says these are the best days so I’m just upset why can’t i be like everyone I see out and about with their babies - I had a meal booked and cancelled it because I was too nervous about being in a restaraunt and baby potentially screaming the place down

Said with love and compassion OP - you need to manage your expectations here..
Why do you think it is common knowledge that having a newborn is frigging hard!

Baby is too small for a routine. Stop fighting it ans expecting more and just go with it for the next while.

Read up on the fourth trimester - which you are still bang in the middle of. You can’t expect a 6 week old to play by our rules and routines.

And no you haven’t trained them into bad habits. They are 6 weeks old and craving comfort. Just give in to it. I know it’s exhausting but I think you’re causing yourself more stress by expecting otherwise

Deep breath!!

All us mums have been there, those first couple of months are just brutal and whether it's your first or third the sleep deprivation is so hard! 6 weeks is still so tiny, I'd knock the routine on the head and just keep baby with you until you go up. Plenty of time for routines in another couple of months but for now all baby wants is mummy, cuddles and regular feeding. All accept any help you can! Forget about the washing and cleaning (I know this is hard I struggle to let things go).

Big hugs & just remember it gets a little bit easier everyday!! (Then they start to crawl and walk and it gets harder again haha) xx

Hi OP, sorry you're having a tough time. I never heard of anyone say their 6 week old sleeps through. Up every 2-3 hours is average and some babies do that until they are 1+ years. Most parents are absolute wrecks at that age, so what you're going through is completely normal. There is no routine at 6 weeks, you can start introducing a nap routine at around 4 months. Most babies don't go to sleep before 9-11 until 3/4 months and that's when they start sleeping earlier but then it's usually for a bit better only for the 4 months sleep regression to hit.

Parenting a baby is hard, exhausting and really tough. You need to learn that pre baby you doesn't exist anymore for a while and there is no pretending that everything is the same because it isn't.

Can your husband / partner help at all?

Don't feel like a burden asking your family to help. If they can come over and hold baby for a couple of hours while you get some rest, that's actually a nice thing for them to do - people love holding babies! My brother drove three hours here and three hours back to come and hold my baby all afternoon so I could sleep. And he was genuinely delighted to do it.

This is controversial, some people would say you'll get an overtired baby, but it did work for us when DD was about 6 weeks - try to give a lot of stimulation in the afternoon and just keep then awake a little bit more. Trying that was what got DD sleeping a bit better at night. Fresh air and daylight in the day is good as well.

My baby was the same and slept on me I couldn't leave her for a minute alone until she was around 10 weeks. All the advice I got was enjoy the cuddles while you can they grow up fast. I wish I'd listened more and just enjoyed it!

They will grow out of it for sure. Ignore what people say... the best parenting I have done so far has been using instinct and thinking what they would have done at the beginning of humanity... would they have worried about bad habits? No they would just do what was easiest at the time.

I coslept at night and used a sling for all her naps... I loved both. I used a integra carrier. Now at 6 months she will sleep anywhere (although still have to rock or feed her to sleep!)

Someone told me as long as your sleeping, you are winning. So as long as it's safe do what you need to do to get your sleep.

And everything is a phase! My baby cried non stop for 10 weeks and hated the car and pushchair...it was tough. Now she's totally fine with everything

Housework was a big issue for me too... the sling was a game changer. There are sling libraries you can go to or hire to find one you like before you buy

Good luck!

They aren't the best days, it's shit. Honestly, try to adjust your own expectations. You are going to be really tired and your baby is going to want to feed all the time and potentially not sleep much at night. They cluster feed all evening at this age so trying an early bedtime is pointless. Their tummies are tiny hence needing frequent feeding 24 hours. It does get better but there are limits to how much you can control things at this age (ie basically not at all at this point)! If you can try to stop trying to and just follow what your baby wants you might find it easier. Around 12-16 weeks you can start to get some semblance of a routine going and I found after 4 months feeding and nap times became more established and consistent. Try to get outside each day as fresh air is good for you and him, but otherwise don't put too much pressure on yourself. If you want to get out loads, do, but equally if you don't that's fine too.

Whoever told you their 6-8 week old baby is sleeping through is lying
I consider my 8 week old to be a good sleeper but she does no more than 4 hrs, mostly stints of 2 or 3
And there’s no routine at this age!

Also the amount of people I see (including what I used to do) holding a baby and pushing a pram. Totally normal. I do recommend you try out a sling or carrier. It was a life saver for me! Only way I could leave the house