Mum guilt and exhaustion

[xxxx2022]

Been awake now with my 6 week old who hasn’t settled for 2 hours

I’m trying to start a routine and get them to bed for around 7.30/8. This has been fine but the past 2 nights they’ve woke up for hours wide awake and unsettled and I don’t know what to do

They won’t sleep past 7.30 so that’s when my day starts and I’m just exhausted I’m not sleeping at all

They’ll only nap on me - won’t let me put them down for a nap. I can’t do any housework , anything and can’t catch up on sleep

I’m sat here crying as I type this my day is just spent sat in my living room (leaving to get bits for baby) feeding, changing, playing and having my baby nap on me.

I love them more than anything and I just feel so much guilt for feeling upset that im not getting sleep or getting to do anything. Last time I took them out in the pram we went into a shop and they screamed I had to take them out and hold them whilst pushing the pram and I just felt so deflated I’m starting to not want to leave the house

And lately all I keep seeing is people saying how their babies my age sleep through and sleep amazing and it just makes me feel like a failure because I can’t even get mine to nap alone

Forget about a routine - you're in the survival stage, you'll drive yourself mad trying to get a newborn to do a massive long sleep, or tbh any sleep on demand

My DC2 "slept through" from about 7 weeks but the reality is that was from his last bottle at about 11pm (which DH did - I'd already gone to bed) until about 6-7am. He screamed the house down every night from 5pm-9pm. He's only had a regular bedtime since about 6mo.

Agree with PP about getting out - a sling was great for both of mine, both in the house and out. I always try to do at least one nap in the buggy a day from when I was up to walking a good distance. If baby is happy under a baby gym or in a bouncer you can just take them round with you to get a bit of housework done, plenty of babies enjoy watching the washing machine go round.

Agree with everyone else to try a sling and try to get outside every day even just for a short walk - if nothing else I’ve found that getting daylight in babies face really helps with day/night confusion.

What we did in the early days that worked for us was I would go upstairs early at 7 or 8pm then dp would stay up and bring baby to bed at 10ish so I got a bit of extra sleep ahead of doing the breastfeeding night shift.

As you are bottle feeding you can split the shifts even more if you want to. The baby isn’t just your responsibility your dp needs to be helping you here. This is a really tough and really boring time.

Hey! Totally relate to how you're feeling! My baby is now about 18 weeks and is does get a bit better! Don't feel guilty - it's really emotionally tough and being tired makes you resent stuff pretty fast. I had heard people saying it gets a lot easier by 12 weeks. 6 weeks was my breaking point, too. Could you get someone to come and have baby nap on them for a day so you can get a break? I got my mum to come and help at 6 weeks and it did help me. I remember thinking - I've already gotten halfway through the toughest bit - you're doing great!! I'd probably say don't bother too much with an early bedtime at this age. You'll probably feel more relaxed and happier just going with it a bit - if she's still waking loads at night, then you're just in bed battling it for a longer period of time. Maybe 9 or 10pm an easier bedtime now? I introduced a bed time routine and started being more routiney around 10 weeks and that worked well.(wake windows, 4 naps a day, Eat, Awake, Sleep, 'You time' (lol) She also started doing longer stretches of sleep (4-5 hours) around 8 weeks so that will probably start kicking in soon. Very few babies sleep through at 6 weeks, or 18 weeks haha.. Hang in there xxx

also sling a great shout. My baby could only nap in the sling for longer than 20 minutes for ages. She now does nap in her bassinet but for 45 min max haha. She hates sleep.

I don't think there's enough talk about how hard having a newborn is, or maybe you just can't ever really know until you're in it. I do think 6 weeks is so young, I had no routine then either, you just try to survive at that age, routine probably didn't come until about 4 months. I think you should reframe what is an achievement though for now, I.E. you made it out the house with the baby - that's a huge win! Obviously it's hard if you end up carrying them because they're crying but that's besides the point, you got out the house and that's a big thing, congratulate yourself for that. And the fact that it was so hard but you got through it is amazing. Sleep deprivation is bloody horrific so who would enjoy that? I also think the newborn phase just isn't for some people, it wasn't for me, my kid is almost 3 and I cannot relate still to people talking about "newborn bubble" etc. I still look at that time as something insanely hard that I got through, and I've absolutely loved the stages that have come after so I don't see it as any reflection on my relationship with my child.

I would also recommend sleep resources as I found these very helpful. Huckleberry app is great to understand what is normal and how often they should be sleeping. I can't remember what other websites I used but do some research into what's normal and what you can do now to make things a little easier.

Sending you a giant virtual hug.

Keep thinking of things! I would say from 9 or 10 weeks I noticed a bit of a pattern emerging. 6 weeks is definitely too young for a routine imo. I used an app called huckleberry which really helped track things like sleep and feeds so I could work out what she might have needed and when!

I don't think I'd be starting to get baby in a routine just yet and I think starting bedtime so early in the evening at this age is pretty pointless and just putting extra pressure in yourself.
Your baby is unlikely to be ready for a long bedtime sleep at 7:30-8 pm when they will already be sleeping a lot through the day. At 7-8pm I'd usually have them awake, sitting with us or in their bouncer whilst I pottered around. Or I'd only just be starting their bath time.
I used to give my dc a bottle at 11pm when I went to bed and they'd settle for a couple of hours or so afterwards so I'd sleep say 11:30 till 2 then do a 2o'clock feed where they'd settle maybe until 5ish. From 5 they'd often stay awake but wasn't too bad as I'd still had a few hours.

I realise all dc are different though and I'm just sharing my experience.

I think the most helpful thing to do it adjust your expectations and accept that you will be doing night feeds and being tired for a time. Your baby is doing exactly what a baby is supposed to do it just doesn’t fit in with your idea of what a baby should do. A 6 week olds routine should be led by them.
It is important to know that there is a wide range of normal, some babies do sleep through at 6 weeks(I had one) but most don’t, I also had a dc that didn’t sleep through until 3.5 years. The people with babies who sleep through aren’t doing anything magical, they just got lucky.

It's normal for a baby that age. The people who say they sleep through are freaks or liars.

This is a precious time with your tiny one, lower your house standards and snuggle up while you can. Do you have a partner? Can you take shifts for sleep a bit? I think like being in a hot country, after a while you adjust to sleep deprivation a bit and it's less jarring.

I think it's easy to think of 'having a baby' as a task and the reality of your life being changed forever only hits you at a few months in.

Use a sling, go out for short walks, get someone else to do house stuff for you or else just leave it for now.

Also re putting to bed - they're not to supposed to sleep by themselves for 6 months, do you mean bed beside you?

No one is loving the first 6 weeks, every normal mum is exhausted, desperate for sleep and wondering whether they can survive this. It will get easier. You don't have to enjoy it, I don't know anyone who did.

Hello 🌺
I have an 9wk old and everything you said I wholeheartedly relate to. Previous posters have given such great advice, just know your are absolutely not on your own. I've had days and nights where my little girl just won't settle, crying, the full works and it's 4am and nothing but holding her and swaying makes a difference and I'm just so tired I get overwhelmed at the thought of getting through the next day.

Chasing sleep...grabbing naps where I can sometimes works, other times in hindsight I wish I'd gotten out for some fresh air so I'd really encourage you to do that, even for 5mins.

I've found signing up for these emails helpful - a week by week guide that covers everything. And for the record I know no-one whose baby sleeps though at 6wks!
www.nhs.uk/start4life/signups/new

I have a seated bouncer that sometimes works - it gives me a chance to eat/drink something if they won't sleep. One foot to keep the bouncer going frees up my hands. Mine doesn't like the sling/carrier so the bouncer I've found handy.

We were awake for two hours at 3am so I'm feeling it today. Sending coffee and chocolate and deep breaths to you. I'm sure you're doing a much better job than you give yourself credit for 💐

Honestly enjoy the nap cuddles! They don’t last forever. It’s far too early for a routine, try to just go with the flow.
Can you borrow an ergo baby carrier or similar to go out with baby if they don’t like the pushchair or to have baby in whilst you do housework?

By to bed I do mean a bedside cot! Their in a cot in our room next to our bed definitely not their own room!

DH works away and does help out Friday/Saturday when he’s home. I mean typical when he does the baby seems quite happy and content and chilled (and sleeps normal stretches) which makes me worry that DH will be thinking I’m lying or being dramatic
He is looking for a job nearby home but at the moment just needs to keep this one for income

I think I’ll definitely invest in a sling by the sounds of it it’ll help the day time

Thank you for the support and advice. It’s quite hard I don’t know any mums so can’t ask these questions I’m quite lonely in my day to day life so I’m constantly questioning what is normal. And for some reason midwives and HV’s have spoke about the 6 week mark like it’s a magic switch? Hence me thinking I should implement a routine but maybe I should hold off

It’s such a hard time. Gives me flashbacks just hearing about it! The only way I managed to survive was through embracing co-sleeping (and learning to feed lying down if you’re BFing, total game changer), sling through the day, drastically lowering expectations of achieving anything else than baby care, and accepting help when it was offered.

It will pass. And you won’t have ruined your baby by finding whatever ways you need to cope

First of all, everything you've mentioned is completely and utterly normal. Exhausting, relentless, feels like actual torture at some points, but still (unfortunately!) NORMAL.

Next, make getting your DH a different job nearer to home a priority. Do whatever you need to do to show him how much of a difference it would make to you (because it would- God knows just having someone to hold the baby at 7pm when you've had them all day feels like a moment of total euphoria!).

As others have said, 6 weeks is IME too early for a routine, too early to try to impose a 7/8pm bedtime, too early to expect anything except broken nights and days of total exhaustion. You'll ride it through- everyone does- but it's not easy.

Also- 6 weeks being a turning point- no way! I think I remember reading it was actually "peak fussiness".

And also- stop worrying about what other people in the cafe/ restaurant/ street will think if the baby starts to cry. Literally anyone who's a parent will just think "Oh thank fuck that's not mine" and move on. I remember hurriedly getting up to leave our local cafe with our first when she was about that age and the lovely very experienced mother who co-owned it was just like "love, what are you doing? She's not the first baby to bawl the place down, and she won't be the last. Have your coffee." And at that moment I fell in love

Hi lovely, big hugs, the newborn phase is so so tough, but your baby is totally normal. I’m afraid every 2-3 is standard overnight, but very hard if partner is away through the week. Also totally normal for baby to want to be held for sleep in the day. My DS only contact napped until he was 8 months, by 11 months he was doing all naps in his cot and sleeping through. A sling will help you get out and about. It’s ok if you don’t love this time, I didn’t, but one day it will be a distant memory, you’ve just got to get through. Xx

@MoveHouse love your advice. I'm mostly on the other side of these tough first months, but your words really spoke to me. OP I was just like you and really wish I'd let advice like this sink in 💐

How you feeling OP?

Hope things have settled down. I commented up thread so had been checking back