Can I step up at work without shortchanging my children?

[BusyAllWeek]

My partner and I have two small children, 2 and 4 years old.
During the pandemic I spent a lot of time with the children because I was on maternity leave then working part time. I now have the opportunity to return to full time work, and take a big step up. Unfortunately this means I will not see my children at all most weekdays because I will need to be in the office or travelling at least 12 hours a day.
My partner has always had a similarly busy job.
We have no family nearby to help, so need to rely on nannies and nursery / school to care for our children while we are working.

Are there any other mothers out there who have seized the opportunity? If so did you come to regret it? What tips might you have on how you organised your childcare / family life?

I only have one child, a 15 months old son. I work full time with added on call hours on top of that including weekends. Often there is an expectation of some work to be done outside contracted hours. DH has a similar schedule. We don't have any family around, so it's nursery and military planning and synching of the rotas when it comes to childcare. I do it at a cost of 'me' time, I just don't have any. I don't look at my emails/work stuff when my son is home and focus on really playing with him and doing properly engaged 1 on 1, when he falls asleep I get my laptop out to do extra bits that need to be done. DS still breastfeeds and sleeps in our bed (that's the only way we could get sleep, but now I don't see him as much during the day in the week I like having him next to me at night). I am tired most of the time, and there are some evenings I'd rather sit on a sofa and watch TV and do nothing, but alas, that doesn't happen very often!

It's doable, I found I had to really compartmentalise well for it to work.

Thank you MC3209 - good to know this does work for others.

Interested in responses so bumping.

I’ve got a nearly 4 year old and an 18 month old and pushing for promotion at work (partnership - I’m a solicitor). I already work full time and long hours. Wfh has been great because I see them through the day, but it does mean I work late into the night most nights and like a pp have no me time. Slightly questioning whether it’s really what I want atm.

Thanks for your answer ThreeBalloons.

Do you get any time to see your children during the week?
My children are pretty much the same age.
I have been able to get by so far by pushing things to the evening so I could do bedtime between 6 and 8pm then work into the night if needed.

I am dreading the step up (partner in a firm with very similar work culture to a law firm) because it means not seeing the children at all several days a week and that would be new to me (leave home before wake up, return after bedtime, often travelling)

I was given some good advice. You can only make decisions based on what you want today, you can’t predict what you might want in the future.

So do what works for you today, if this is what you want. Consider it carefully if it is something you actually ‘dread’. But if you do want it, then you will make it work. Then if in the future that is no longer what you want then you set about changing to whatever you want at that point in time.

I decided to pursue full on career grind when my eldest two were not quite 3 and 1. Lots of days where I didn’t see them, sometimes busy on the weekends too. I did it for a reason for several years and it paid off. By the time they were 8 and 6 I did want to be much more flexible and spend more time with them and at home in general, so I changed again (different role, fewer hours, no travel etc).

@BusyAllWeek yes I do. I see them in the mornings (6-8/8.45 depending if wfh or not), and like you I log off 6-8 to do bedtime and then usually work til 11/12.

I’m not sure I could cope with travelling as well unless it was temporary.

Personally, I wouldn’t. I stepped up to a much more senior role between DD1 & DD2 but I only did it because work agreed to keep part time hours. I work 4 days a week condensed it 3.5 days. Those days I work long hours & have minimal breaks but I am always there at bedtime, I am always there in the morning and come 2pm on Thursday, I’m done for the week. I do often work in the evening on my sofa to actually fit all the work in but that’s ok.

To me, my kids are only young once. Not long & they are at school and prefer their friends to you! DD1 started school this time & it really hit me how little time I get with her these days & made realise I need to enjoy time DD2 before she suddenly grows up 😭 Being a present parent is FAR more important to me than my job will ever be. So long as we can afford our bills, I’m happy. I’d considered full time if it was necessary money wise but not a massive commute as well to the point I’d barely see my kids all week. I couldn’t bear it. Especially with my youngest, she’s only small. She needs her mummy ❤️

But that’s just me. I’m not very career focused. Right now, it’s family first. I can fully understand why others do what they need to with work.. you’ve gotta do what’s best for you & your family now & thinking ahead!

Personally, I wouldn’t at the moment with those ages, maybe once they are both settled into primary school!

[quote ThreeBalloons]@BusyAllWeek yes I do. I see them in the mornings (6-8/8.45 depending if wfh or not), and like you I log off 6-8 to do bedtime and then usually work til 11/12.

I’m not sure I could cope with travelling as well unless it was temporary.[/quote]
Should say btw that DH works 4 days a week and we have a lovely nanny for the other days.

Not many men get told they shouldn’t be working full time because their kids are only young once. Just something to think about.

I'm a lone parent, I took a big career step when my children were 2, 5 and 8. I work 3-4 very long days a week including weekends and on call. I did it because I want to move up even further in the future which will mean I go 9-5 and not really work weekends. Its tough and stressful at the minute (kids are now 3, 6 and 9) but I'm paid really well and know a big jump in pay and better hours are only a couple of years which means I won't struggle to give my children the best in the future. I do it with them in mind 100%. Mine go to my Mum and school/preschool though and she has taken on the role of a 2nd parent so I don't feel so guilty.

Personally I couldn't do that. I work full time and leave early but always see DS am always home by 5 latest. It's so so hard but I would feel I'd be missing out on too much and would worry DS would miss me.

@Steelesauce thank you, I feel it would be similar in my case - working hard now will mean I can give the family more financial security. I think I dread living in London on a tight budget almost as much as I dread not seeing the children a few days a week, but the latter would be temporary.

@ThreeBalloons I agree with your comment about how different men and women are encouraged to treat such decisions. When my husband was offered a more demanding job and my son was just 1, it was never a question whether he should take it. Yet I have this great opportunity and many people around me think I am crazy for even considering it due to the impact on our family life

It’s a really tough one. I have one child who is now 9, and a fairly full on job. I am very career focussed and I love my job, but on reflection, I suppose I haven’t always taken the optimum job that would have the most career progression bcs of wanting to not see my kid in the week. I have always worked full time and up until covid I always travelled a lot, even when my son was teeny. But I didn’t take jobs where the commute meant I didn’t see him when I was at home and in the office (although I was away once every two to three weeks for anything from a night to a week). I used to be able to drop him off from 8/8.30 in the morning and then would stop work and be home and not working 6.30-8, and then would finish work stuff off later. When he was small I basically pretended work didn’t exist when he was awake and we were both at home. Now, at age 9, and after 2 years of WFH, he knows I work a lot and I do it when he is awake, and travelling still hasn’t come back. And to be clear, my husband did the same - some sacrifices in career to have a home life, but not holding back completely at work for the sake of family. In honesty, I think my husband’s career has suffered more for it - at work, I am seen as a woman who is ‘doing it all’, he is seen (I think) as a man who isn’t fully committed to work bcs he balances it with the family. Sigh.

And my tip to making it work is to make sure your childcare is bullet proof! Research it, accept you have to pay for it, treat them well and prioritise it above all else! Nursery and after school club are our family partners it feels like!

Throw money at the situation. Get a cleaner, if money is there also a mother's help type person to do pick ups or ironing.

expect your husband to step up and don't let your guilt stop you from moving forward.

I've taken a full time job despite having a one year old and a two year old. But it's work from home predominantly so I can spend good chunks of time with the kids at the start and end of the day. Personally, I find looking after both of them on my own hellish. I'm lucky that my partner looks after both of them one day a week. And he juggles work and looking after the 1 year old, one day a week. My 2 year old adores nursery which also helped the decision. This works for our family right now. And we'll adjust as we need to if it stops working.

[quote BusyAllWeek]@Steelesauce thank you, I feel it would be similar in my case - working hard now will mean I can give the family more financial security. I think I dread living in London on a tight budget almost as much as I dread not seeing the children a few days a week, but the latter would be temporary.

@ThreeBalloons I agree with your comment about how different men and women are encouraged to treat such decisions. When my husband was offered a more demanding job and my son was just 1, it was never a question whether he should take it. Yet I have this great opportunity and many people around me think I am crazy for even considering it due to the impact on our family life[/quote]
Personally I think the answer for this is for society to change its approach to men, not to encourage women to be more like them. I know a lot of fathers who would benefit from a better bond with their children. Having said that, it sounds like you want to do this. There’s no harm in trying it. You’ll soon know if it doesn’t work for you.

I do similar OP as a FT teacher but I do the 430-bedtime shift with the kids and then work 8-10 most nights. I'm in school at 7 most mornings. I wouldn't do it without the holidays. I see too little of my kids. I just about justify the situation with a decent salary and the long holidays.

I am in the opposite situation and have just handed in my notice to be with my 3 and 6yr old more. Fortunate to be able to afford it and a career that is easy to reenter when I want. But I’ve never been one to want to climb career wise, like the stimulation of my job but no aspirant promotion. So I think it’s about what’s most important to you right now. Bit of a cliche but have you done a pros and cons list?!

OP if you and your partner are both working 12 hours+ out of the house then practically speaking, you may find it difficult to find childcare. Most nannies work 10 or 11 hour days max.

I do know one family who had a nanny 12 hrs a day but it had to be live in to cover those hours, and they had to keep finding new nannies as nobody wanted to live in/work those hours long term. Any more than 12 hours a day I think would have been impossible to find. Even aside from the impact on DC.

As PP have said I think the usual solution is to be home and offline for a bit to do bedtime around 7pm and then log back on in the evening once DC are asleep.

The bedtimes really need to be shared out between you and your DH though, as doing this every day is beyond exhausting, especially if your DC don’t always sleep through.

My two are 6 and 8 and I've only just gone back to 5 days a week. For me, it's not just seeing the kids, it's the general logistics of family life, running the house, making sure everyone has clean clothes, remembering it's mufti day at school and when homework is due in. We have a cleaner, DH does his share, and maybe a nanny would pick up enough of that to make it possible, but I could never imagine making it work with us both out of the house for long days every day!

DH hasn't pushed on with his career in the last 5 years or so because of the kids, he'd rather spend time with them now while they still think he's wonderful and then when they're teenagers and think he's embarrassing he can spend more time at work

I’m a primary teacher due to return full time again soon after second mat leave. We don’t have any experience of juggling two children, but with one our approach included:

• Get into work early to be able to leave earlier. Makes sense as DD1 is an early riser; I have a 3 mile commute so am normally at work by 7.30am.
• Childcare do three meals a day for us (four days ILs, one day nursery - this will now include preschool for the eldest).
• Whoever is finished earliest collects from childcare, no excuses.
• We don’t eat breakfast, and I skip lunch to get marking etc done.
• DH food shops and cooks; he preps meal while I do bedtime routine, then he also clears up while I settle in for my evening’s planning/prep work, which I do on a laptop on the sofa so we feel like we are having time together!
• Washing machine/tumble dryer/dishwasher put on in the morning and unloaded in the evening.
• DH does the food shop on a Saturday morning while I do playing, he then plays on a Saturday afternoon while I whizz round and do the housework.

I appreacitae that we’re lucky in that my work is slightly flexible in that I can do 7.30-4.30, have time with the children and then work after they’re asleep. We’re also lucky in that DH doesn’t have a job with long hours, and we have his parents who do a LOT for us. Nevertheless, it’s hard but I like to think that I’m setting an example for our girls that women can have a career they love and a family!

[quote ThreeBalloons]@BusyAllWeek yes I do. I see them in the mornings (6-8/8.45 depending if wfh or not), and like you I log off 6-8 to do bedtime and then usually work til 11/12.

I’m not sure I could cope with travelling as well unless it was temporary.[/quote]
How do you cope with being "on" 6am - 11/12pm?! I honestly can't do it, I'm exhausted by 9pm

@Auntycorruption tbh I don’t really know how either. And my youngest has only in the last few weeks started sleeping through, so before that I was also being woken at 1, 3 and 5. I am basically a zombie.

It’s a particularly bad patch at work atm with a big deadline approaching. In more normal periods I can get by with doing more like 8-9.30 in the eves. Plus I never work late on a Friday, though it does mean I sometimes have to pick stuff up on a Sunday eve.

Following this with interest. I returned to work 4 days but now, six months later, I’m debating requesting 5 days again as I’m spending a lot of evenings covering work I can’t handle in my normal hours - and I’m still career motivated so not willing to let this slip.

I think I can do this as I am committed to seeing DC before work and bedtime daily though - I always ‘finish’ for nursery pickup, have the 6-8 break etc and thankfully have a job which appreciates this. I don’t think I’d go for it in your situation to be honest. Long days yes, but if you don’t have the flexibility to be able to see the kids at all then I’d be unsure. It’s ultimately what you think you and the DC will be happy with though.

Thank you for all the answers everyone - helpful to see how others balance career and family life.

It sounds like most mothers here still do pre work / bedtime in spite of long hours.

Are there any mothers out there who miss bedtime for a few days each week? For example because you work 14 hour days, without breaks, or because you travel for 2-3 days at a time?

Would be interested in hearing from you - did you manage to pull it off? Were the children ok?