Can I step up at work without shortchanging my children?

[BusyAllWeek]

My partner and I have two small children, 2 and 4 years old.
During the pandemic I spent a lot of time with the children because I was on maternity leave then working part time. I now have the opportunity to return to full time work, and take a big step up. Unfortunately this means I will not see my children at all most weekdays because I will need to be in the office or travelling at least 12 hours a day.
My partner has always had a similarly busy job.
We have no family nearby to help, so need to rely on nannies and nursery / school to care for our children while we are working.

Are there any other mothers out there who have seized the opportunity? If so did you come to regret it? What tips might you have on how you organised your childcare / family life?

Maybe if you work 14 hours a day you don’t have time to post on mums et

I did for a few years when my eldest two were younger (about 3 & 1 to 6 & 4 years old, roughly). Sometimes very long days, travel/overnights, plus some weekend stuff. I managed it and the kids were fine, but, and I feel like this is probably significant, DH is a SAHP. So we didn’t have childcare issues and my children always had a parent around (eg for bedtimes), it just wasn’t me. I don’t know anyone where both parents are as busy as that, apart from knowing of people where that is the case and they have live-in support and/or children boarding for instance. Otherwise I know of a lot of senior women (and one senior man!) who negotiate contracts that enable them to be home for 5/6pm most evenings, children are in wraparound childcare, and they’re available late evening if needed. Or they jobshare.

I was exactly where you were ten years ago. Similar to the step up to partnership in a law firm, similar hours and similar ongoing career expectations in terms of pay and hours. Couple of observations:

1. I had no interest in what other people thought of my choices, and it didn’t interest me that expectations of men were different, whether at work or at home. These were my children, it was my career so everyone else was irrelevant. That was very liberating and I think women do themselves a disservice getting distracted by others.

1. I was extremely fortunate that salary considerations didn’t enter into the decision in the long term. I had the knowledge that partnership or not, our family would be fine financially after a few years. This let me focus on what I wanted from a career other than money.

Ultimately, once you have children and unless you hate your job, there is no decision that comes without regrets. Choosing between career progression for you and being present for your children can be like choosing between two children. It’s not easy, and you’ll be filled with remorse whatever you do. If you can accept that I think you might find greater clarity which might help you make your mind up. They’re not small decisions. They can be truly life-changing.

Also, you must consider that you’re assuming good health, family stability, nothing out of the ordinary for any family member. The opposite can, again, be life-changing.

@givethatbabyaname
Thank you for your thoughtful comments - the first especially resonates with me - and what you say about no choice being easy.

So I have decided to take the step up. Not the easiest decision… but in the end, the team I’d be working with, the interesting projects we’d be assigned, and a few other considerations make it really attractive. My partner is supportive, we have a “primary” nanny who will stay on, and a new nanny to help with the longer days, and the children are generally very happy - I’m hoping the change won’t cause too much upheaval.

Maybe I now need to start another thread on how parents like us (if there are any on here) deal with this kind of set up!

Congratulations!

I know many women and couples who have the set up you describe. I gather the key is to be hyper-organised, and to make sure that the burden of organising everything and everyone doesn’t fall exclusively on you.

I went the other way having missed too many bedtimes. They change so quickly at this age, and you don’t get the time back.

Congrats on the new job. I went back FT when DD1 was 3; main challenge was v. long hours and lots of weekend working due to projects. After I went FT, Things unexpectedly went nuclear when I had successive family illnesses and deaths to deal with, so for a few years that meant travelling after work/spare weekends to help or make a hospital visit on the other side of London and not possible/appropriate to take my little one. Those were very hard times, very stressful indeed.

I worked around my DD - so when I could be there for bedtime, I made sure I was; when I was with DD my phone was off. You must prioritise dedicated quality time, and protect that time fiercely.

I didn’t ever look at MN - I didn’t really have a minute to myself until DD was about 6. No haircuts, no GP or dental appointments for years. Shopped for everything online. Friends whittled down just to work friends; sadly no time for anyone else. ( I made new non-work friends later when things calmed down again.)

Didn’t have a nanny; used an amazing little nursery that also did babysitting if needed, DD thrived. She is now 11 and fantastic and we are very close although she can be a bit closed off (I hope it is just her age rather than a flaw on our relationship).

Yes to throwing money at your problems. At the time we were fortunate to find an amazing cleaner but looking back I should have used her more: a big yes to having a good regular cleaner who will do everything - including change beds, clean the oven/microwave, tidy up toys, clean inside the fridge. If possible upgrade to a housekeeper who can prepare some basic meals and sort out laundry.

Have plenty of clothes; it makes it easier to stay on top of laundry if you are travelling a lot. But keep the wardrobe simple - avoiding the need to do any ironing or dry-cleaning is very important.

Don’t over-compensate and buy stuff for your kids, or feed them too many treats to show them you love them. Don’t relax the discipline too far but be aware they may act up more if they see you less; be prepared for them to be more clingy and annoying. Ratchet up the high quality activities and try to preserve routine: if you know you will always be there say on Sunday morning, make it your time with the kids: create a tradition of baking something for breakfast together and if it’s sunny go to the park or if it’s rainy so arts and crafts. Get silly, get dirty, laugh a lot. Read together, be together in nature, do sports. Celebrate birthdays and Christmas properly. Do an annual Easter egg hunt. You want to make traditions and routine and things that are special between you; but leave room for spontaneity.

Plan holidays that are kid-centric. Try to find time to invite family to visit; or go do the visiting yourself. Your kids shouldn’t miss out on having a relationship with family just because you chose to work.

Play dates are less important before school age as long as your kids are getting lots of time with peers (this is why we opted for Nursery not school; playing with a sibling isn’t the same as being in a group with 8 other 3 or 4 year olds). You need to really consider if the older child should be in nursery mornings, while nanny looks after just the younger one.