How do you get over the stares?

[FairyLights2]

My little boy is at that age now where he just wants to explore and he's also very vocal! Every baby group we go to... he wants to grab everything and everyone. Of course, I chase after him because I want to also learn how to respect people's space. Sometimes though, I see parents (with much calmer babies - usually with a girl) staring and looking at us with some sort of pity or looking horrified at his extreme energy.

I want my baby to continue attending these lessons and I want to get over the stares (sometimes they're harmless) and just let him explore naturally without judgement.

Are there key things (or phrases) I can remember whenever these stares happen to not take them so personally. I'll add them to my journal and have a look before every session, so I can enjoy the session with him more.

Thank you in advance to anyone who contributes to this discussion.

I think you are over analysing this.

It's not you it's them.
Most people are judgemental, it's shit but it's the way life is.
Just be secure in your own parenting, from the sounds of it, your not allowing him to misbehave, your just allowing him to explore the world around him, that's your job and your doing it bloody well.

You're reading too much into it. If I am staring, it's because I'm just bloody grateful that for once my child is behaving and I know exactly how you feel.

I was that parent staring at you. I had an extremely clingy girl who wouldn’t leave my side for one second. I was looking in fascinated amazement with a little jealousy!

Please don't start the whole 'girls are calmer boys are boisterous' nonsense.

It's damaging to both kids

If he’s young enough to be attending a baby class then he’s too young to respect people’s spaces.
Maybe time to move up to a toddler class?
What age is he?

In my opinion it's one of two scenarios

1: You are over analysing. No one is staring and you are feeling conscious about your child's behaviour. (Also, girls are not better behaved then boys).

2: Your child's behaviour is not appropriate and you are letting him push/grab/hit other children and their parents are too polite to stay anything. Therefore, they are staring so that you may realise that you need to control your child and tell them no.

I have been to so many playgroups where parents let their children run wild (fine, mine can be wild to sometimes) BUT do nothing to manage their behaviour. How can a child know that something isn't appropriate if the parent never tells them.

I think baby groups tend to be used by people whose baby cannot really move. If your child is now active, then look for some toddler or preschooler groups.

Generally those who will judge will do so no matter what but also if you are sensitive to his behaviour you might pick up on more. It definitely doesn’t have anything to do with the sex of your child.

Do you actually say "no" at all to him? I am really not being flippant but I had a cousin who refused to use the word no to her kids as she believed it to be harmful. They therefore had no boundaries and were quite unruly. It is OK to say No you mustn't do that from time to time. Or if the behaviour is particularly bad to remove them to a time out. They soon learn if they want to join on what is and isn't acceptable .

I think those 'sit and listen/sing' classes are only really great if you have that type of child in the first place. If they're not that kind, once they get mobile things like church hall sessions with just free play are often better.

@lolololloo

In my opinion it's one of two scenarios

1: You are over analysing. No one is staring and you are feeling conscious about your child's behaviour. (Also, girls are not better behaved then boys).

2: Your child's behaviour is not appropriate and you are letting him push/grab/hit other children and their parents are too polite to stay anything. Therefore, they are staring so that you may realise that you need to control your child and tell them no.

I have been to so many playgroups where parents let their children run wild (fine, mine can be wild to sometimes) BUT do nothing to manage their behaviour. How can a child know that something isn't appropriate if the parent never tells them.

I never ever let him grab a child, so that's not what's happening at all. I control him fully. He's just very excited and wants to go everywhere... and I just plod around with him. He's only 10 months but is a very fast crawler.

@Ohnohobo

I was that parent staring at you. I had an extremely clingy girl who wouldn’t leave my side for one second. I was looking in fascinated amazement with a little jealousy!

Ditto. OP I think you are overthinking this.

@TheSnowyOwl

I think baby groups tend to be used by people whose baby cannot really move. If your child is now active, then look for some toddler or preschooler groups.

Generally those who will judge will do so no matter what but also if you are sensitive to his behaviour you might pick up on more. It definitely doesn’t have anything to do with the sex of your child.

This is really great advice! Thank you

@FusionChefGeoff

Please don't start the whole 'girls are calmer boys are boisterous' nonsense.

It's damaging to both kids

I didn't mean to do that but thank you for voicing that concern. I've taken that aboard and will refrain from using such language.

If the states are genuine and not just in your head then this baby group probably isn’t a good fit. Find one where he can tear about and the parents aren’t judgemental. Toddler gym / gymboree could be a good option. But you have to stop him grabbing people- that’s never ok!

EDIT: on board*

Ok x post you are managing the grabbing, I just don’t see why you’d want to persist with the class- it’s clearly not holding his attention, he would likely benefit from something more active and I’m sure you’d like to be able to relax a bit more.

@RandomQuest

If the states are genuine and not just in your head then this baby group probably isn’t a good fit. Find one where he can tear about and the parents aren’t judgemental. Toddler gym / gymboree could be a good option. But you have to stop him grabbing people- that’s never ok!

I never let him grab people - that's what I'm always trying to stop.

Thank you for your advice! Super useful

Stop caring what others think. If they are judging a 10 month old baby for crawling off and exploring, they really need to be ignored. Obviously remove him if he’s causing any harm but other than that, let him explore, it’s normal.

You're thinking too much in to it...you don't know what they're thinking.

Maybe they're thinking they wished their baby would be more vocal and adventurous. Look at it that way and embrace their curiosity and don't try to suppress it.

As others have said if hes more mobile etc can you look to move him up?
My little boy was in a 13month-2yr old toddler class and as long as babies could just about walk or 13 months old they could join. My little boy was walking at nine months and was fine 8n the groul until he 18 months. He was running round the room and with maybe 2 other children at the same level as him but he didnt understand some of the younger ones couldn't fully walk and by mistake knocked a couple over during the activity when they all are in the middle of room.
I raised it with the leader of the class and he got moved to the 2-4year old class at 21 months even though he was a couple months too young but that way he wouldn't end up hurting someone accidentally and he could get all his energy out without me constantly telling him to be careful and watch out etc as he just wanted to play.

with much calmer babies - usually with a girl

You have to just ignore other parents. Really no one is thinking about you as much as you are thinking about them.

You may want to think about whether you are tolerating boisterousness due to sexist attitudes and see if there are wasy to teach your child to be more calm, by practising calmer activities at home for example, and always trying to use a calmer voice yourself.

@RandomQuest

Ok x post you are managing the grabbing, I just don’t see why you’d want to persist with the class- it’s clearly not holding his attention, he would likely benefit from something more active and I’m sure you’d like to be able to relax a bit more.

That class is really local to us and they keep inviting me back lol. I'm always stressed though. I'm a FTM and still trying to navigate these baby classes. I don't know why it didn't occur to me to just find a more suitable class for him.

He was definitely not stimulated enough... he's also the fastest crawler and the only one babbling really loudly.

Will find him another class! What a simple solution. Thank you to everyone who took the time to reply.

But being energetic is not a problem - only if it is tipping over into genuinely annoying behaviour.

I have a 5 month old and go regularly to baby groups and tbh i would just be envious that yours is into everything and exploring! How old is he? I do think some baby groups try and have such a broad age range that it doesn’t work, they develop so quickly that they all have such different needs. One I go to has got babies from 6 weeks, up to a year and it’s mayhem as it’s impossible to cater for all. Tbh it’s the group leaders fault as she should be encouraging some of them to move up to the toddler group but they’ve got mummy friendships and don’t want to move, which I get but it’s very manic which isn’t always what little babies need! Could you look t more energetic classes? A couple of the ones I won’t do once DD is older and mobile x