How do you get over the stares?

[FairyLights2]

My little boy is at that age now where he just wants to explore and he's also very vocal! Every baby group we go to... he wants to grab everything and everyone. Of course, I chase after him because I want to also learn how to respect people's space. Sometimes though, I see parents (with much calmer babies - usually with a girl) staring and looking at us with some sort of pity or looking horrified at his extreme energy.

I want my baby to continue attending these lessons and I want to get over the stares (sometimes they're harmless) and just let him explore naturally without judgement.

Are there key things (or phrases) I can remember whenever these stares happen to not take them so personally. I'll add them to my journal and have a look before every session, so I can enjoy the session with him more.

Thank you in advance to anyone who contributes to this discussion.

I used to do baby massage with a friend. Her baby was 3 months older and she kept flipping over and wriggling away while most of the others just lay there like potatoes. She was so embarrassed but the general talk was that her baby was just doing really well with movement and independence. Tell yourself that. He's just very inquisitive! My friend stayed for the rest of the course as it wasn't cheap but then we looked to places like soft play to meet up which was much better. It sounds like it's more the situation of the group that doesn't suit him. I expect other mums with boisterous babies just don't go to the kind of group you're talking about. Try a mixed toddler and baby group if you want cheap/free otherwise like others have suggested look at baby gym or dancing etc where movement is encouraged.

You sound like you're doing really well by the way, the main thing is being aware of impacts on other people and knowing what suits your baby. Ignore everyone else!

@labyrinthlaziness

with much calmer babies - usually with a girl

You have to just ignore other parents. Really no one is thinking about you as much as you are thinking about them.

You may want to think about whether you are tolerating boisterousness due to sexist attitudes and see if there are wasy to teach your child to be more calm, by practising calmer activities at home for example, and always trying to use a calmer voice yourself.

I totally deserve your criticism because I made an ignorant comment.

He's never watched TV (I'm not saying children who do are boisterous btw) I'm just giving you a glimpse to our home life. I read calmly to him all the time and I never shout. I assumed (from what I've read - studies included) that boys are just more boisterous and high energy. Even if that is a fact (I'm aware that won't apply to every boy and it's disregarding the experiences of mothers with girls who are equally as active), I need to be careful with the language I use.

I apologise to anyone who I offended. It really wasn't my intention and like I said in another post, I'll be more careful with my words. Unfortunately, I can't go back and edit so it'll just be something I'm conscious of in the future.

It's not a girl/boy thing. All babies are different regardless of sex.

I look at other babies the same age as my daughter for loads of reasons. Usually because I'm comparing them (not negatively) to my own child. Just in a curious way. My 17 month old doesn't walk so I watch other babies and get a bit jealous (wrongly). Or if I child is being hyper I may look because I'm thinking about the instances when my child behaves like that etc. Other times I just might think they're cute or funny. Or im so sleep deprived that I'm zoning out! Those reactions you think you're getting may just be mums that are that tired that, they aren't functioning socially!

DD walked before 11 months. Our baby sensory class was 6-13 months.

I remember her making a beeline for anything she could use to pull up, with me trying to stop her crawling across the babies who were just about sitting.

It was funny when all the fast crawlers would converge on the group leader though, like a baby apocalypse.

We stopped going once she was properly walking because she wasn't really safe in a group of just crawlers (for them).

I remember her jumping off everything's while her same age cousin would climb down reeeaaaalllly carefully.

She's still not the most careful at 5! I was expecting some sort of self preservation instinct to kick in at some point, but nope, she'll hurt herself and just get up and do the same thing again!

As long as you're aware and he's not hurting anyone, then ignore the 'looks' if the class is still appropriate for him. Some people will judge you regardless, sometimes you can't win.

I have a girl with autism and severe learning disability. She's not calm or quiet.

I hope that helps.

@User1isnotavailable

I have a girl with autism and severe learning disability. She's not calm or quiet.

I hope that helps.

I've addressed this in a few posts now but I'll say it here too: I apologise for my ignorant comment.

can we give OP a break? she doesn't have to KEEP apologising for what is a very common (if misguided) thing to say...she gets it!

I doubt they are judging a 10 moth old - I think at least a few are FTM as well and thinking gosh my baby isn't crawling like just yet and just interested

I've moved on to different classes with mine though I do think a more busy baby & toddler group might be better

At least you'll feel very reassured when you see the antics of the 2 year olds rather than placid babies

My 11mo girl is the same! Never sits with me at baby class to do the activities any more, but can't move up to the next age group until she's walking.
It is stressful when she goes up to the smaller babies and I'll go and grab her then but other than that I try to give her some space to safely explore. Developmentally its a good sign that they want some independence and see what's going on.

Op don't feel bad! I had a very boisterous girl and she really stood out and I used to look at all the mums with quieter stiller babies and toddlers and wonder where I'd gone wrong! No nice sitting, no hand-holding when out, just lots of running and shrieking. She's turned out to be a lovely calm teenager, well, the shrieking has stopped anyway. I think this is about 'fit' with the group, but there's always a range of activity amongst children and when you have a 'lively' one you can end up feeling self-conscious.

Maybe the other staring parents are just bored/sleep deprived

I agree the OP does not need to keep apologising - but people will keep making that point because people will put what they want in the thread.

OP - one thing to do is to try to distract your child. Take a few special treats in your pocket, some little cards or a tiny toy from the charity shop. See if you can entice him to hide it somewhere for you to find, or some other silly game.

Also can you take him to the park on the way to the toddler group or whatever? So that he is well exercised before you go?

Some kids just suit some activities - mine were menaces in baby groups or music groups and preferred free play I don't think there is much point going if all you end up doing is distracting

LOL of course boys are wilder than girls!! What is wrong with saying that? It’s true!:) I have 2 boys and I’m yet to meet a girl who is half as wild as my toddler and his boy friends

I watched a child whizz round playgroup, bumping in to everyone, trying to snatch, throwing a tantrum and being a PITA in general I must admit I was 😳 then I realised I was their parent....

Anyway, easier said that done but the best thing to remember is they are young and learning, they are doing nothing wrong. Let's say worse case scenario the adult is horrified by your DC behaviour, they leave the group and tell people, guess what 99% of people will say back? "They're only little" if a parent is going to be a judgey fucker then they will find anything to stare at. I really wouldn't worry about it. I used to go to 2 playgroups a week, for nearly 2 years (stopped during lockdown) I genuinely can't remember a bad behaved child.

I never looked to see if anyone was staring! I knew it would make me annoyed.

Well you’re completely right OP to say boys are wilder and girls are calmer- that’s they way it is. Period.
Of course you get calm boys and wild/energetic girls - but that’s more of an exception
I honestly don’t think anyone is judging a 10 month old baby…maybe they are starting becouse your baby is cute? Or maybe they are admiring his crawling/great physical development? I mean if it was a 3 year old toddler who you can’t control then it’s a different story. You can’t really reason with a 10 month old:)

My DS sounds the same as yours and I think it's a difficult age. They're too mobile for baby groups but get trampled at toddler groups. I'm hoping it's a short-lived phase.

I'd also add that there are measurable differences between girls and boys in terms of behaviors. There are actually differences in how their brains develop as well. What is up for debate is whether the measurable differences are due to nature or nurture. Increasingly we think that we treat baby boys and girls differently from the moment they are born. That doesn't sit comfortably but we have to be aware that boys are (typically, not always) more active. Pretending there are no differences based on sex seems unhelpful to me even if done with good intentions.

@Mimba1 bravo, we’ll said.
Of course there are behavioural differences, just like the fact that boys are usually taller/heavier and girls are quicker to talk/sit/walk. That just the way it is. No one can argue with that, it’s just the fact. And of course you can get exceptions from the general rule.

@FusionChefGeoff

Please don't start the whole 'girls are calmer boys are boisterous' nonsense.

It's damaging to both kids

Amen to this. And OP do refrain from going on to parents of girls about how easy they have it. Sheltering girls against this sexist nonsense is a harder job than the most boisterous toddler.

@ThreeLocusts 😂😂😂 and the fact that boys are taller/heavier is also sexist? 😂😂god there are some crazy people out there, have a good day haha

@FusionChefGeoff

Please don't start the whole 'girls are calmer boys are boisterous' nonsense.

It's damaging to both kids

This

Seen so much of the 'boys will be boys' nonsense on here just lately

If your child is high energy and inquisitive, do what the parents of similar children, male or female, do

Let them explore at the woods, park, soft play etc

[quote Bluemamma]@ThreeLocusts 😂😂😂 and the fact that boys are taller/heavier is also sexist? 😂😂god there are some crazy people out there, have a good day haha[/quote]
I believe there's a middle ground here. When it comes to biology there are undeniable differences; whereas with temperaments/personality, we can see patterns and trends but they do not account for every child. To respect people's individual experience it therefore makes sense to avoid using blanket statements because by using them, you could be invalidating someone's real experience and creating stereotypes, which posters pointed out to me.

Anyway, I really wasn't looking to argue that point. I genuinely wanted advice and this morning I've booked a soft play for him where he can explore freely and loudly 😂

Thank you again to the people who reassured me this is normal and suggested many other options. It can be overwhelming as a FTM sometimes and I'm super grateful when mothers with more experience chime in with their advice and wisdom.

I think what you perceive as stares, are actually just people's eyes being drawn to general activity in the room. It's natural to just absent-mindedly look at the most bustling activity in the vicinity! No reflection on you, or judgement whatsoever!