Mums with two kids… Is one, both or neither of them an arsehole?

[HelpMeImAParent]

Good morning mums!

So. Here’s my story. My husband has two daughters from a previous marriage; they are 10 and 7. The eldest is a dream, the youngest is hard work.
My husband and I also have an 11 month old baby girl. I’m at the stage now where I’m thinking about having a second and final baby (though a surrogate sounds appealing because now I know how much that shit hurts).

What puts me off is the amount of people who’ve said that if their second kid had been their first one, they wouldn’t have had another. Or simply that one of their kids is great and the other is a nightmare. Our little girl is amazing… she’s super chilled out, hardly ever cries and she’s a real funny little character. I’m worried that if we have another, they will be a small, incontinent, considerably less pigmented version of Satan and I will spend the rest of my coffee fuelled days wishing that I hadn’t convinced my husband to give me his seed.

Unfortunately without a try before you buy option, I have taken to mumsnet in search of some (hopefully) comforting stories. If it turns out that at least one of the kids is usually an arsehole, I’ll be getting a new plant instead.

child 1 - really hard work (ADHD, Mild Autism, now entering puberty on top)
child 2 - intelligent but highly strung
child 3 - a total darling

really is a mixed bag for us!

Neither of them are arseholes, both good people but very different. DC1 more self-centred, DC2 an easier but more openly sensitive child.

Both capable of playing good cop/bad cop as children, in either role.

You don't use a surrogate because delivery is painful. They're a last resort when medical interventions haven't worked.

I’m my parents perfect first baby and this was reinforced by the more problematic numbers 2 and 3. But they weren’t that bad really and as adults are lovely 😂

My friend was the youngest and her parents’ easiest and she has two and again, it’s her younger that is easiest. I think it’s just luck.

I say this about my second, but my god I love that girl more than I thought possible.

She didn’t sleep for two years due to reflux (my son slept through from 6 weeks), and she is so sassy.

But she has the biggest, kindest heart and now she’s 6 she’s getting better with sleep 😂.

She was much harder as a baby and toddler, she’s still hard work now but that’s because she knows her own mind and she isn’t afraid to stand up for herself - however difficult it is I wouldn’t change those traits for anything and even with all the difficulties at first I’d do it again in a heartbeat for her.

So yeah, go for it!

What happens if you only have one and its the arsehole? You need to play the long game here. Because as the child grows, they change and become arseholes at different stages. When you have two or more kids, there is usually always one arsehole at any one time, but which it changes which child it is.

For example DS1 was Satan's nightmare baby from hell. DS2 was dream baby.
DS1 was perfect toddler. DS2 was a threenager from 2-4.
DS1 became a nightmare when he started school around 5 (undiagnosed ADHD and ASD became apparent). DS2 was fine witn school.
DS1 has now mellowed and is calmer. He will be 9 very soon. DS2 is 6. He thinks he is a member of Jackass and is determined to kill himself with dare devil stunts. Realistically, we need to find a physical outlet for his energy on dark evenings. He loves his bike and in summer will be out on it from dawn until dusk.

So in short, don't be too smug about your perfect 11 month old. And don't be afraid of having more kids.

Get a plant OP. 😂 😂

It’s definitely harder work with two, but it’s just a joke that you have a dream one and a terror.
In my mum’s family, the first was the hardest work. The middle was a dream and the third was … me. 😂 I was incredibly hard work because they allowed me to be.
In my household yes the second child is far more spirited but she’s also incredibly loving and the funniest kid on the block. She makes me laugh every single day.

Good luck deciding. Are you thinking a wardrobe plant you can forget all about and the fucker still won’t piss off and die?

Thank you for your stories everyone, you’ve given me a giggle! What I’ve gathered so far is that my wonderfully pleasant daughter is likely to be an arsehole at some point, as will the possible second child, so it all comes down to how much arsehole I can take. Sounds a bit wrong doesn’t it 🤔

@Seeleyboo @BrinksmansEntry LOL

@Goooglebox I wasn’t being serious 😃

@SleepingStandingUp there definitely won’t be a third, not unless I have twins 😳 it’s hard enough trying to get my husband to agree to our second child and his fourth, plus I’ve promised him he can have the snip after the next one 😂

@Imposteramongus LOL… Ok so I should have another so I’ve got one that I like while the other is being an arsehole. I like your thinking.

@Vallmo47 Definitely something like a cactus. Not particularly exciting to look at but won’t die if left unattended for long periods of time. A bit like my husband really.

@SleepingStandingUp there definitely won’t be a third, not unless I have twins 😳 it’s hard enough trying to get my husband to agree to our second child and his fourth, plus I’ve promised him he can have the snip after the next one 😂
That's what I said, then the little egg got overexcited and split in half and two popped out instead of one! Thirds a charm 😁😁

😂 😂 You’re my kind of people OP.

I can’t get past you calling children arseholes to be honest.
Anyway
Mine are great.
I have three- first was a nightmare baby, perfect from 3 onwards
Middle - perfect baby, nightmare toddler perfect tween

Youngest - perfect baby -
Horror between 3-7 - now great but prone to anxiety (ASD)

@PinchOfVom

I can’t get past you calling children arseholes to be honest. Anyway Mine are great. I have three- first was a nightmare baby, perfect from 3 onwards Middle - perfect baby, nightmare toddler perfect tween Youngest - perfect baby - Horror between 3-7 - now great but prone to anxiety (ASD)

Nightmare and horrible aren't really any kinder than arsehole IMO. People are arseholes sometimes.

My second is a bit (okay, much more) trickier than my first. However I think a lot comes down to their experiences - dd was the first baby, first grandchild etc so lives were focused around her. Dd2 gets pulled from pillar to post some days , doing school runs etc and there are loads shiny exciting toys in the house that are very attractive but we keep saying no to, whereas with dd1 she had free reign because we fully babyproofed downstairs. Soi think this massively contributes to how I see them. I also think that rose tinted glasses play a big part, especially with a bigger age gap (I have 5 years between children)

@girlmom21

No, one’s vulgar and abusive and the other isn’t actually.

@PinchOfVom I’m not being serious, that’s just my sense of humour. Vulgar and abusive? Come on now… You’re making it sound like I’d shout “Arsehole” in her face! 🙄 I love her more than anything in the world. It’s just a joke.

@girlmom21 If you’d like to describe your kids as ‘slightly less cheerful than normal’ rather than a nightmare when they are being hard work, that’s up to you, however I think you’re probably in the minority on that one.

@Findahouse21 Thank you for the insight… this makes a lot of sense!

I have only one child, and while I adore him to his little marrow, I can confirm that he is currently a pallid mini-Satan in his own right.

@MsMeNz

child 1 - really hard work (ADHD, Mild Autism, now entering puberty on top) child 2 - intelligent but highly strung child 3 - a total darling

really is a mixed bag for us!

I have two, of these I have child 1 and child 3

Your DD is only 11 months old. There is plenty of time for her to become a total dick. As a baby, you wouldn’t wish my DS on your worst enemy, he was that much of a terror. Total dream of a toddler now though 🤷🏻‍♀️ Where as a lot of my friends with easy, super chillier babies are paying for it now (may or may not be cackling as I write that). Your DD will have easy and difficult phases as will any subsequent children.

My eldest is hard work and my youngest is an absolute joy. I'm not having a third in case we risk getting another nightmare one.

There are arseholes all over the place OP.

first ds slept like a dream and was an easy child but was a very very tricky teenager and tested me no end. second ds did not sleep through until he was 5 but had been chilled and easy ever since and is a very happy and nice teenager.

I think they go through phases. DC1 was the easiest most chilled out baby ever. Always asleep or smiling happily. DC2 was an absolute nightmare.
They are 7 and 6 now and its completely changed. DC2 is a perfect angel everywhere and DC1 is pretty difficult. Doesnt listen in school, gets into arguments, back talks all the time etc. Its exhausting.
But they go back and forth on good and bad behaviour.

@HelpMeImAParent I don't know why you're getting defensive against me when all I was saying is that calling a kid an arsehole isn't worse than calling them horrible 😂

Funny thread ! "Definitely something like a cactus. Not particularly exciting to look at but won’t die if left unattended for long periods of time. A bit like my husband really." This really made me laUgh @HelpMeImAParent

Go for it! DC1 was a dream baby and toddler and everyone told me to brace myself as we wouldn't be so lucky twice. We're only 5 months in but DC2 is even easier! I'm sure it will keep changing as this thread proves so I am glad I have 2 so that when one is an arsehole in future I'll have the other!