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Original poster

Trauma after experiencing partners childbirth?

36 replies

Alltheusernamesseemtobetaken · 08/02/2022 03:33

My partner has just had a baby on the 3rd of this month and its fair to say it was quite a traumatic birth due to such a long labour, the baby unable to be pushed out in spite of the use of forceps, tonnes of pain medication and a c section.
I saw everything (apart from the actual section although i saw alot of blood) . I had to remove myself from the room twice for a few moments as i was crying uncontrolably. The baby was born perfectly healthy and my partner, aside from the pain, some tearing and the section scar, is perfectly fine and recovering well (for context, we are in a same sex relationship) it has been 5 days now and im still unable to recover mentally from seeing all the distress and pain my partner was in, even typing this is setting me off in tears, which i find it very hard to calm down from, sometimes just small, unrelated things make me cry or want to cry, but i keep reliving some of the moments of labour and birth in my head and i cant help but break down, my head is everywhere and ofc it is causing some small bickering between me and my partner (which we get through fine afterwards). I just want to cry constantly and if i dont eventually force myself to stop i dont think i would stop.

I dont know why im so affected but i feel so selfish to be so in the feels when she had gone through hell and back to bring our wonderful son into this world, but it was so hard to watch, but my focus was to support her.
I cant find anything online thats validating how i feel, i feel like im just being stupid, i dont know why it has hurt me so much as my partner is healthy and so is the baby. Why am i so badly hurt by what i saw? Will it ever stop?.. i saw alot of things about PTSD but i really dont believe i have it although the memories of it are in my head alot. What do i do? Its getting impossible to calm a fussy/hungry baby when im just so upset all the time and emotionally damaged, am i just being too sensitive? As i can be like that sometimes

Please help, i need advice...

OP posts:

Youvegotafriendinme · 08/02/2022 05:19

You feel this way Because the person you love and your baby were hurting. Completely normal to feel the way you do and you shouldn’t feel that the way you feel is wrong. With both my pregnancy’s I had very traumatic births. My DH was definitely traumatised the first time but didn’t do anything about it. Second time round just as bad but with the added memories of the first. The first time I had 8 months of counselling and CBT and diagnosed with PTSD. He was left. This time we got him someone to talk to. His feelings are real and should not be pushed aside just because he isn’t the one who gave birth.
It’s also very early days for you both so feelings and hormones are very high. Seek out talking to someone. You can self refer through mind.
Take care of yourself and your partner and congratulations on your new baby

Pebbles218 · 08/02/2022 05:51

I had my baby last week and the labour was awful. I'd been induced due to pre eclampsia and the process was long and painful. Lots of blood loss, snapped cord, cord around baby neck, placenta stuck inside etc. My partner was with me throughout and although he didn't go through it physically, it absolutely affected him emotionally as he was unable to help and had to watch while all this awful stuff was going on. Your feelings are valid too. Ask for a debrief and discuss with your partner.

labyrinthlaziness · 08/02/2022 05:53

You are traumatised because it was upsetting

See a birth trauma specialist perhaps?

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

3rd trimester Antenatal & postnatal Childbirth Families

mycatthinksshesatiger · 08/02/2022 06:00

Your reactions are totally normal, as are the flashbacks. Your brain is trying really hard to make sense of this harrowing experience. It's important to speak to someine outside of your relationship so you can be totally open and not worry about upsetting your partner. Please be very kind to yourself and book some counselling with a trauma-informed therapist. The memories should subside over time but equally there is a risk here of PTSD if left without an outlet. You should be able to enjoy your time with your son and it nust feel very unfair to be processing all of this.

Weatherwax13 · 08/02/2022 06:03

That's a massive thing to go through .You must be shell shocked. Your partner may just not be able/ready to deal with your feelings atm as she's understandably consumed with the baby and her own recovery. But that doesn't mean you don't matter. It's just that it's maybe not the time to lean on her.
So fgs stop the bickering. She doesn't need it and it won't do you any good.
You absolutely deserve some support with this. I think the quicker you can access some therapy the better.
Either ask the GP, stressing that it's bloody urgent or pull the midwife to one side and ask if she can suggest who you could debrief with.

334bu · 08/02/2022 06:04

This time we got him someone to talk to. His feelings are real and should not be pushed aside just because he isn’t the one who gave birth.
Partners are too often ignored. Your feelings are important too. Talking to someone might help. Congratulations to you both on your new baby. Take care of yourself and your family.

parietal · 08/02/2022 06:11

Get yourself so therapy asap - privately if you can afford it. You need to talk this over with someone who is not your partner and who can give you strategies for dealing with trauma and ptsd. This is a natural reaction to a horrible series of events and professional help can make a big difference.

EBathory · 08/02/2022 06:19

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

sarahc336 · 08/02/2022 06:20

You may need to speak to your gp to be referred for therapy op xx

Traumdeuter · 08/02/2022 06:24

All out of compassion, @EBathory?

OP you’ve had some good advice here - speak to the midwife about a debrief and seek some support - private counselling can be arranged quite quickly.

labyrinthlaziness · 08/02/2022 06:28

@EBathory

Bloody woman up and deal with it. It was hard to watch? Your partner had to go through it! Jesus stop being so bloody self centred ' I can soothe baby coz I'm upset' FFS you are not the baby!

This is a very outdated response, it is not the 1880s, these days we understand emotions.

PotteringAlong · 08/02/2022 06:32

Its getting impossible to calm a fussy/hungry baby when im just so upset all the time and emotionally damaged,

Come on, I’m with @EBathory here slightly. If you can’t do it you’re saying your partner has to do it and she actually went through it.

I’m not saying it wasn’t hard for you, I’m not saying it wasn’t difficult to watch, but you’ve got a newborn baby reliant on you and I think if I was 5 days post partum and my partner was bickering me because their head was everywhere and couldn’t help with the baby because they were too upset about my birth, I’m not sure how supported I would feel.

OnceuponaRainbow18 · 08/02/2022 06:35

My sister was by birthing partner and it traumatised her, so much so when she was pregnant she went for a planned c section!

PandorasMailbox · 08/02/2022 06:36

I would seek some form of therapy if I were you. It's really hard watching someone you love go through something painful and distressing.

It also sounds like you may have a form of PTSD. I know a couple where the husband witnessed the traumatic birth of their first child, and the mother and baby almost died. He ended up having a MH crisis. Definitely talk to a professional.

Woolandwonder · 08/02/2022 06:39

It's early days. You are likely to be feeling overwhelmed and sleep deprived as well as having been through a really difficult event. Give yourself time. Most people recover very naturally from traumatic experiences over the course of a few weeks but if you still feel like this in a few weeks then speak with your GP. It's not uncommon for people who observe traumatic events to experience PTSD but far too soon to be diagnosed with everything.
I was a birth partner to my best friend who ended up having a traumatic labour and I definitely felt quite overwhelmed for a few days afterwards.

Ellowyn · 08/02/2022 06:40

I don't know why people want to watch other people give birth. When I had my babies I told them a few times I didn't want to be there, but they wouldn't let me leave.

changenametimeagain · 08/02/2022 06:48

@Ellowyn

I don't know why people want to watch other people give birth. When I had my babies I told them a few times I didn't want to be there, but they wouldn't let me leave.

Isn't it about supporting the person giving birth?!!

tara66 · 08/02/2022 06:51

It can be awful often anyway for most women so there is certainly justification and logic to how you feel having witnessed it all. You are in shock now and cannot get over the ''horror'' -- but it is over now and the main players are OK so you can move on. Good luck!

IrishMamaMia · 08/02/2022 06:54

I had a similar birth and my partner found it really upsetting. I think it was how it became a medical emergency so quickly. Definitely try and talk to someone. Its taken us a while to process the difficult birth but you'll definitely get there.

Scrunchies · 08/02/2022 07:04

I have to agree with @EBathory and @PotteringAlong actually, having been on the other side of this.

I had a horrendous birth, but I was not fine afterwards and nor really was baby. DH was extremely traumatised by it, and withdrew/ couldn’t handle it, didn’t want anything to do with the baby. It was hell, as instead of supporting me he made my life more difficult by being depressed. I was depressed too but one of us had to get on with it.

I would say you are entitled to feel how you feel, but you are a parent now so you do not have the luxury of letting it effect how you function. Take care of your partner and baby, with respect, this isn’t the time to make it about you.

Original poster

Alltheusernamesseemtobetaken · 08/02/2022 09:53

Hi guys, OP here, just to clarify as ive seen some comments from a few, im autistic so emotions are difficult for me (not an excuse of course) a few things i had written may of been taken wrong, i am still looking after baby and my partner regardless of how i feel, its just hard to with how i feel. My partner is basically bed bound with the c section so im looking after her basic needs and she cant do alot with the baby so im doing all the feeds and changes for now as she rests as i wont let her push herself too much, she needs to recover. I definitely would never let my emotions stop me from doing anything for them and i encourage her to talk to me about her feelings daily. We had a heart to heart talk last night to let some emotions out, im ringing my gp today and we are going to speak to the midwife this week about things. I appreciate everyones comments, even the negative ones and im sorry if the original post made me sound like abit of an a**hole.

OP posts:

SmolCat · 08/02/2022 10:11

@Ellowyn

I don't know why people want to watch other people give birth. When I had my babies I told them a few times I didn't want to be there, but they wouldn't let me leave.

You’re not here to ‘watch’ you’re there to support your partner. You should want to be there for that.

Fallagain · 08/02/2022 14:36

It takes 6 weeks for most people to deal with a traumatic event. If you are still struggling after 6 weeks then it’s time to seek medical advice. If you are not sleeping well, as you won’t be with a new baby then it may take longer.

Whybirdwhy · 08/02/2022 19:59

OP it's totally normal. You are right to speak to the GP as you need to take responsibility for looking after yourself so that you can look after your DP and baby. Bottling it up won't help. But it's not your fault that you feel this way and it's very understandable, you're not the first and certainly won't be the last. See if you can find any support groups (either online or in person) to talk to people who've been through similar.

NameChange30 · 08/02/2022 20:11

I'm sorry the birth was so traumatic for you all

Before giving birth myself I was a bit dismissive of partners talking about how stressful/ upsetting/ traumatic it was for them, but I get it now I've given birth. I'm the one who went through it all, of course, but I do also feel for my partner who saw it all happen and felt scared and powerless.

Your feelings are valid, it is very possible that you have postnatal PTSD from witnessing the birth, and whatever the "label" you should seek support. You might find this useful birthtraumaassociation.org.uk/for-parents/fathers-partners-page
Also talk to your GP and/or Google IAPT services in your area, as in many cases you can self-refer.

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