Trauma after experiencing partners childbirth?

[Alltheusernamesseemtobetaken]

My partner has just had a baby on the 3rd of this month and its fair to say it was quite a traumatic birth due to such a long labour, the baby unable to be pushed out in spite of the use of forceps, tonnes of pain medication and a c section.
I saw everything (apart from the actual section although i saw alot of blood) . I had to remove myself from the room twice for a few moments as i was crying uncontrolably. The baby was born perfectly healthy and my partner, aside from the pain, some tearing and the section scar, is perfectly fine and recovering well (for context, we are in a same sex relationship) it has been 5 days now and im still unable to recover mentally from seeing all the distress and pain my partner was in, even typing this is setting me off in tears, which i find it very hard to calm down from, sometimes just small, unrelated things make me cry or want to cry, but i keep reliving some of the moments of labour and birth in my head and i cant help but break down, my head is everywhere and ofc it is causing some small bickering between me and my partner (which we get through fine afterwards). I just want to cry constantly and if i dont eventually force myself to stop i dont think i would stop.

I dont know why im so affected but i feel so selfish to be so in the feels when she had gone through hell and back to bring our wonderful son into this world, but it was so hard to watch, but my focus was to support her.
I cant find anything online thats validating how i feel, i feel like im just being stupid, i dont know why it has hurt me so much as my partner is healthy and so is the baby. Why am i so badly hurt by what i saw? Will it ever stop?.. i saw alot of things about PTSD but i really dont believe i have it although the memories of it are in my head alot. What do i do? Its getting impossible to calm a fussy/hungry baby when im just so upset all the time and emotionally damaged, am i just being too sensitive? As i can be like that sometimes

Please help, i need advice...

Oh sorry there is one thing I forgot to mention which is that most maternity hospitals offer a debrief, my hospital calls it "birth afterthoughts", when the parent(s) meet with a midwife to talk through what happened. They can answer questions you might have. It might all be too raw and painful atm but do consider whether you and/or your partner might find it helpful at some point. There are also some doulas (birth doulas and postnatal doulas) that can offer support after a traumatic birth - could be worth looking into.

Its PTSD.

@Scrunchies

I have to agree with *@EBathory and @PotteringAlong* actually, having been on the other side of this.

I had a horrendous birth, but I was not fine afterwards and nor really was baby. DH was extremely traumatised by it, and withdrew/ couldn’t handle it, didn’t want anything to do with the baby. It was hell, as instead of supporting me he made my life more difficult by being depressed. I was depressed too but one of us had to get on with it.

I would say you are entitled to feel how you feel, but you are a parent now so you do not have the luxury of letting it effect how you function. Take care of your partner and baby, with respect, this isn’t the time to make it about you.

I appreciate this comes from what sounds like a horrendous place the person who has has replied has gone through, and for that I am sorry.

However this is not an okay piece of advice. Being a parent does not exclude you from mental illnesses (which by definition of being illnesses mostly affect functioning) and having a mental illness is not a choice.

The OP is reaching out for advice on how to continue managing and I feel this is a really (hopefully wholly unintentionally) cold and cruel response for them to read.

Many congratulations to you both. Please ask for the debrief but maybe in a little while. I didn’t realise that you could ask for one so I didn’t have it until DS1 was 5 and I was 36 weeks pregnant with DS2. Best thing I ever did. All the best for the future.

The effect of labour and birth on the birth partner isn't something that's often discussed, but I did hear a discussion about it on radio 4 some years ago. There's an expectation today that the partner will be there at the birth. This is a very new phenomenon and not everyone is equipped to deal with it. What you are experiencing is PTSD. on the radio they discussed case studies of men totally traumatised by seeing their partner and child go through such a visceral, bloody and agonising experience. It's traumatic! It would be strange if you weren't traumatised!

Personally I don't think partners should be present during labour as a matter of course. That's also the conclusion the radio discussion came to. Given the option I would rather not have been there when my two were born, but I had to give birth to them so had no option!

You really need to access some PTSD counselling. I'm so sorry you're going through this.

This is why partners/husbands were encouraged to wait in another room while the mother-to-be was in labour, and in most parts of the world, they still are.

I hope you recover and enjoy your new baby.

Thank you everyone for your comments i appreciate each and every one of you. I'm speaking to my gp today so i can get some stuff off my chest so i can be even better at looking after both my partner and the baby. Shes doing great btw, recovering brilliantly, i couldn't be any more proud of her as shes slowly doing things for herself again and shes super happy about getting more independent too. We're getting there slowly but surely and im doing my best to stay head strong for them both as i know they need me.

You sound like a wonderful caring lady. I can understand where you are coming from as I'd much rather be the one in pain than witness someone else in pain.

I'm glad you have spoke to your GP and don't forget the forum is for getting things off your chest too.

I'm sure of you explain everything to your partner she'll understand :)

Glad you are getting the help OP. I used to be a midwife and have certainly seen partners be traumatised by birth. I imagine that being female adds an extra layer as you will have a sensitive understanding of what your partner might have felt. Wishing you both and your baby well.

Op be kind to yourself. I think it might be the feeling bit helplessness that's so hard for partners to deal with during labour and of course how quickly it can all go very wrong. It sounds l3ke you are doing s great job supporting your partner now don'tmt beat yourself up about it. It would be best to get professional help to support you with this and get it quickly so you can start enjoying your baby. Again be kind to yourself.

Try the Birth Trauma charity. I think it is really quite common for partners to be very affected by witnessing difficult births. Don't beat yourself up about it - as others have said, seek therapy, and try to look after you mental health as best you can. x