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Parenting

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Original poster

Is my 4.5 year old son’s behaviour appropriate?

29 replies

DontWantTheRivalry · 05/02/2022 18:06

I have a son who is 4.5 years old and for as long as I can remember I’ve always had a niggling feeling that something just isn’t ‘right’.

He seems very emotionally young for his age and based on his behaviour and his ‘neediness’ (mainly directed towards me) he could be mistaken for being younger - and he frequently is.

Sometimes he can seem so so hyper - he just doesn’t stop. He can run and bounce around the house for hours…..he’s not being naughty or mischievous or anything like that, he just seems to really enjoy doing it. And when I say he can do it for hours on end I’m not exaggerating. It’s exhausting.

Sometimes it feels like he can’t just stand still and that he has to be doing ‘something’ - like constantly hopping, or constantly punching the air, or constantly jumping up and down. It’s like his body has to be doing something.

We have huge issues with his eating in that he is so picky and gags a lot on food - he seems really sensitive to some tastes and trying to get him try new foods just results in a total meltdown. As a result he’s quite small and petite and that probably adds to him appearing younger too.

He isn’t disruptive as such but if me and DH are talking then DS wouldn’t think twice about just butting in and asking us something. We tell him it’s rude to interrupt and that me and DH are talking and his reaction is to whisper “please can I tell you something, please can I say something?” So he knows he shouldn’t be interrupting because he says it with a whisper, but he still constantly interrupts.

He can play alone really happily and always talks to himself and never stops chattering away….and although it’s good he can use his imagination I do wonder whether it’s ‘normal’ to be so encompassed in his own world during play.

He used to make lots of random loud screechy noises but that had stopped over the last few months.

I have spoken to my childminder, who has had my son for over 3 years now, and she said that he can be boisterous and always on the go but it’s nothing that worries her.

But I don’t know - something just seems ‘off’

I have an older son and I don’t remember ever feeling like this.

Is anyone in a similar situation?

OP posts:

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FridayiminlovewithRobertSmith · 05/02/2022 18:14

He sounds pretty normal to me.

InvalidCrumb · 05/02/2022 18:16

The interrupting thing is (unfortunately!) very normal!

LuckyWithMyLot · 05/02/2022 18:16

The only thing that stands out is the gagging, possible food aversion ?

Otherwise he sounds normal. Certainly the constantly interrupting adults is typical of every kid I know!

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

4 year olds Behaviour & development Families General parenting

DevilsAdvocaat · 05/02/2022 18:19

Sounds like my DS at that age. He's diagnosed with ADHD now.

Also, fairly normal kid behaviour too!

If he's still like this in a few years, look into it.

Yuckypretty · 05/02/2022 18:20

Seems neurotypical to me.

What do you mean by neediness?

Shantotto · 05/02/2022 18:21

My 6 year old son sounds very similar and he is on the diagnostic pathway for autism and ADHD. A lot of people I’ve spoken to have said ‘But all kids are like that!’ but I don’t think they understand the actual relentlessness of it and how exhausting it is. It is literally every second, he will work himself to exhaustion and then lie down on our hard floor as he knows the comfy sofa will make him fall asleep! Maybe chat to a health visitor? It was mentioned by school nursery and supported by our health visitor too.

Original poster

DontWantTheRivalry · 05/02/2022 18:33

What do you mean by neediness?

Just like he’s always wanting to be picked up and carried, he won’t come down the stairs unless I walk with him and hold his hand, he always wants to sleep in bed with me, he would prefer to be spoon fed than feed himself etc just little things that seem quite ‘babyish’ to me? He just seems to come across as very young….but I don’t know if that’s just because he has an older brother (8) who seems so grown up.

My friend has a 6 year old who has just been referred for ADD/ASD assessment but with her son it’s all about behaviour with him - violent outbursts, screaming, shouting etc whereas my son doesn’t have anything like that.

He’s really sociable and is great with other children and he doesn’t misbehave at hike at all, it’s just the constant need to be on the go and his emotional immaturity that stands out to me as being a bit ‘off’.

He will be starting school this year and I will be interested to see how he copes in an environment with children of his own ages. He’s the eldest at his childminder’s house so sometimes I wonder if that has an impact too, maybe he acts/plays young because he’s always with children younger than him.

I don’t know.

OP posts:

Shantotto · 05/02/2022 18:48

My son can explode quite easily, more so when he’s tired which is hard as he’s always up around 5.30. He can’t really control his emotions sometimes and he gets very upset if he can’t do something. He says he hates us a lot and can pull what look like angry faces, it’s like he doesn’t know the correct emotion.

A lot of people have said to me that he’s very sociable and friendly and don’t understand why he’s on this pathway. He’s almost too sociable! He has no filter and will stop strangers in the street and be talking away at the top of his voice about minecraft or Pokémon or whatever to some poor old dear that is caught like a rabbit in the headlights! Cute when he’s a little boy but not when he starts to get bigger. He’d have no qualms about wandering off with a stranger if they told him they had trading cards, he holds the hands of his friends parents , asks other random parents to tie his shoes or something when I’m right there… he just doesn’t understand that’s not really how life works unfortunately and it’s quite annoying for some people. He doesn’t understand why a lot of these strangers ignore him and it’s really upsetting to see him so disappointed. If you’re concerned it won’t harm him to just speak to someone. We came from the angle he might need extra assistance with transition from school nursery to first year of school, so we investigated and he does need extra help. If not then it’s fine!

It’s not always failure to communicate or anger and violence.

flashpaper · 05/02/2022 18:53

I literally could have written this 5 years ago about my now 9yo. It could be something or he could be just like my DS and calm down a little. He's still a little wild but nothing like he was

Original poster

DontWantTheRivalry · 05/02/2022 19:04

He ‘should’ have started school Sept 2021 but as he is a Summer Born we delayed his start for a year and will be starting Reception this September just a few days after his 5th birthday.

I’m really glad we made that decision as I just cannot imagine him being in school as he is now.

Although he has his wild moments he can also be really calm and settled. He can sit down and do puzzles for ages, we all play board games and he stays focused for the duration, he can sit and be read to for a good half an hour without losing interest and he will happily sit and watch a film etc.

So it’s not like he’s constantly on the go….but his random outbursts of excitement and hyperactivity are just overwhelming when they do happen.

OP posts:

inheritancetrack · 05/02/2022 19:13

I'd say possible adhd

RedWingBoots · 05/02/2022 19:20

OP I know you have a CM but it would be good to find out how your son is like in a larger group setting like a nursery/pre-school.

Genevie82 · 05/02/2022 19:23

Sounds like a normal 4-5 year old boy OP.. his temperament is obv different from your older dc that’s all . Their energy levels are unbelievable at this age.. it’s really annnoying but jumping off the sofa , rolling around, play fighting , running round the kitchen, bounding into doors, is pretty normal stuff for a lot of boys his age ..get him into lots of structured sport at the weekend that involves basically running about for hours ! , he will mature at school ( eventually!) I don’t think wanting cuddles and getting into bed with you is a immature thing at his age, he just enjoys your affection that’s all x

NameChange30 · 05/02/2022 19:33

I was going to say your son sounds like mine, OP, but I would say that I can relate even more to @Shantotto's posts, especially this:
"A lot of people I’ve spoken to have said ‘But all kids are like that!’ but I don’t think they understand the actual relentlessness of it and how exhausting it is."

My son is nearly 5 (he started school in September) and I've suspected possible ASD and/or ADHD for some time now (and before that I had a nagging feeling that he might be different in some way). It's still too soon to tell but we have started the long process of getting school to observe/monitor and gathering evidence from various sources for an assessment.

It might be within the spectrum of "normal" but I think it's definitely worth getting an assessment to rule it out. (For you OP, not just talking about my own DS.)

Original poster

DontWantTheRivalry · 05/02/2022 19:33

OP I know you have a CM but it would be good to find out how your son is like in a larger group setting like a nursery/pre-school.

We really wanted to do this but due to my job I need childcare that can be really flexible with days, hours, last minute changes etc, and nursery / pre-schools just can’t accommodate that.

I do feel anxious about him starting school although his childminder says he’s more than ready.

She’s just completed a six month course which was about identification of SEN and ADD/ADHD etc and how to care for children with these possible diagnoses so its reassuring that she has no concerns about DS.

I don’t know….maybe I’m just seeing things that aren’t there.

I just can’t shake this ‘feeling’ though.

OP posts:

Mossstitch · 05/02/2022 19:52

He sounds very like my youngest who is now an adult and a nurse. He would bore the socks off anybody who would listen when he was little, pokemon, his latest imaginary story (he would draw what he called video games for hours whilst his older brothers played them) very intense about his interests. He is a little 'different' to the norm, no diagnoses but very intelligent as it turned out much like his elder brother. Bit dyspraxic like his older brother too (both took ages to learn to ride a bike whereas middle one just took off on it at a much younger age). The fact that he can spend ages playing boardgames (something my eldest and youngest still do in their 30s but very complex ones😳)suggests to me that it's not ADHD. A deputy head I know of a primary school said recently, 'everybody is on the spectrum' which really resounded with me and I think she's right. As long as its not causing problems I think we should all just accept that everybody is unique with different quirks. Just love him and enjoy the cuddles as you blink and they are all grown up😍

Gowithme · 05/02/2022 19:56

Trust your gut I'd say. But he's young, I'd wait and see how he develops for now. ADHD or ASD will become more apparent as he gets older.

Mossstitch · 05/02/2022 19:58

Ps I had food issues too with my youngest but found a hot chocolate drink he liked that was full of vitamins (instant ovaltine chocolate) and stuck with full cream milk (still do, he still lives with me😂) feed him whatever he will eat and concentrate on upping/sneaking in healthy calories👍 He later decided he was vegetarian and developed healthy eating habits after reading a book about it and eats better than I do now. 💐

DorotheaHomeAlone · 05/02/2022 20:02

He sounds like a totally normal, but very bored, 4 year old. I suspect his behaviour would be better and calmer if you’d allowed him to start school with his peers.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 05/02/2022 20:04

Do you enable him OP? Do you spoon feed him? Does he sleep in your bed?

satelliteheart · 05/02/2022 20:13

We really wanted to do this but due to my job I need childcare that can be really flexible with days, hours, last minute changes etc, and nursery / pre-schools just can’t accommodate that.

Op, is there a local preschool that your childminder can drop to/collect from. My son's playschool has lots of childminders doing drop off and pick up and they have the kids the rest of the day. He really could do with being in a more structured setting with kids closer to his own age, otherwise school is going to be such a shock to him

strawberrrycheeesecake · 05/02/2022 20:15

My son has ASD and I recognise some traits you mentioned, but they can also be perfectly normal things for a child to do.

Just keep an eye on the things that concern you and contact the health visitor or SEND officer if you are still concerned nearer to starting school.

ButterflyBitch · 05/02/2022 20:18

He sounds very similar to my son when he was small. He never stopped moving. Ever. I thought he had adhd. Very sensitive to textures when eating and very impulsive. He has been diagnosed with dyspraxia as an 11 year old which includes the constant need to move (nowadays it’s more of a non stop fidget and jiggling than bouncing off the walls) and various other sensory issues. He’s very sensitive to noise while simultaneously being the noisiest bugger on the planet. Constant beeps, squeals and whistles. I do wonder if he is slightly on the spectrum because he has so many sensory problems but they do come under the dyspraxia heading too so 🤷🏻‍♀️ At that age though a lot can be written off as ‘being young’ or annoyingly ‘being a boy’ so you may have to wait and see as he gets older.

Shantotto · 05/02/2022 20:19

@DorotheaHomeAlone

He sounds like a totally normal, but very bored, 4 year old. I suspect his behaviour would be better and calmer if you’d allowed him to start school with his peers.

This is a load of rubbish - would you say the same about a September born who missed the school start date by a few days? They would be the same age give or take a couple of weeks and not in school!

OP I was going to delay my son who is also summerborn but we moved to Scotland and due to different cut off dates he started at 5 anyway.

ButterflyBitch · 05/02/2022 20:20

I also had the feeling something wasn’t right when he was small and no one believed me. It’s only as he’s got older and he’s struggled more with school and when his teachers started to notice that he was referred. It’s tough.

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