When will I ever enjoy life again?

[FTMFML]

I’m going to try and keep this short.
My OH wanted kids, I didn’t however made the compromise of having one.
Pregnancy was mentally extremely tough, had mental health team involvement.
We now have a healthy 3 month old and I know in extremely blessed, and I do honestly try to be grateful. I have been discharged from mental health as I wanted as it was more a ‘pregnancy’ related issue, Tokophobia/dismorphia.
OH has a chronic health condition and is poorly at the moment, potentially multiple surgeries upcoming too and big decisions.
Another two close family members are also very poorly, one mentally and one physically.

These are all people I would bend over backwards to support but at the moment I feel I just can’t support them all the way I want to, or would have done.

I haven’t had a full nights sleep in months, I no longer have time for my hobby, my dog who I adore is practically being neglected, short walks, hardly any grooming(long coat breed!) I HATE taking him and LO because she isn’t the most settled of babies and can scream for the whole walk, making it really miserable. The time I do have for myself I waste flicking through nonsense online.

We have excellent support in the way of grandparents but the guilt eats me up inside whenever we ask for help especially as someone on my side is so unwell themselves.

I don’t want to be a parent, I never really did. She is cared for and is developing well, my parents and OH tell me I’m a great mum, but it hate it.

I’m grieving for my old life, I can’t find time or seem to use time wisely anymore.

I suppose this is really just a rant, but does anyone have any helpful suggestions of how they made it through or are making it through parenting?

She’s still tiny at the moment. I’m not sure they get easier with age, but I personally found it got less all encompassing with every passing month - unsettled, none sleeping newborns really are 24/7 exhausting. I don’t think I suddenly had a massive change in heart, but feelings of regret gradually changed to acceptance which gradually changed to enjoyment. It’s okay to not like the baby phase - lots of people find it a lonely, monotonous slog, FWIW, toddlers are way more fun, in my mind.

What’s your plan for going back to work? That made a huge difference - I went back PT at 12 months, with hindsight I wish I’d gone back a little sooner. Also, I’m aware that your OHs health isn’t great, but if he was desperate for a child in the first place, is he doing as much as possible? Could you look at shared parental leave? You don’t need to do all of it on your own - accept all help, I bet the grandparents find it a joyful if other family members are poorly.

Keep your head up. And get a dog walker would also be my advice until either your DD is happy in the pushchair/sling or you can take him out on your own.

Thank you.
I felt better writing it all down to be honest, OH is self employed, so no shared leave or I would have definitely taken that option! I adore my work, I miss it so much, I have taken 12 months but have the option to go back sooner. My employer has said to reevaluate at 6 months as I was desperate to go back. Unfortunately though if OH has large operations I need to be around to care for him… so in a way 12 months off is better I suppose, for him. He does what he can… or what most men think they can but his health really gets him down, it gets us both down sadly.
Sometimes life just feels really poo, trying to be grateful for the little things but god it’s so hard at times.

There is a book called French Children Don’t Throw Food which is both lighthearted and entertaining and in other ways the most useful baby book I ever read… it has lots of advice on gently encouraging to sleep, and it’s all centred around the idea that culturally in many parts of france (it posits), the baby is a part of the family, not the sole focus of the family, that you matter too, that you’re entitled to get back much of who you were.

I took loads of time out and loved being round my babies but that didn’t mean I didn’t struggle hugely for months if not years on how it affected who I am. I think I kept thinking ‘get them to two’ in my head about when it all got easier and then gradually it all got better.

You’re right in the crux of it now - deep in and exhausted but can still remember the ‘old you’.

Find the very best loving childcare you can, and compromise compromise compromise- maybe go back to work at 10 months not 12, get great contraception so you’re not caught out again. See if there’s a wonderful childminder anywhere near who has experience with babies - mine was a paediatric nurse cleared to foster at-risk newborns - she was longing to look after one of mine for an afternoon a week at 6 months and although I didn’t need it it was lovely to know the offer was there!

I didn’t take all the help that was offered because I was so busy martyring myself on the altar of perfect motherhood and now I look back and think ‘why the fuck didn’t I take up the afternoon with my amazing childminder and piss off and have a coffee and read a book on my own?’

I think it really does all get so much easier every month.

Thank you for the book recommendation❤️

3 months is no time at all to get used to a massive life change. Especially if there is loads going on elsewhere. Be kind to yourself and try to recognise how far you’ve come rather than what you think you should feel.

My kids are older but I remember how overwhelming everything is. I recently got a third child-- puppy and after three months am still not fully reconciled with that decision

Aw congratulations on the four legged baby! Give me a puppy any day … don’t think baby humans can be popped in a crate for an hour or so the same way 😂 SS may have a slight issue with that!

@Gardeniafleur

There is a book called French Children Don’t Throw Food which is both lighthearted and entertaining and in other ways the most useful baby book I ever read… it has lots of advice on gently encouraging to sleep, and it’s all centred around the idea that culturally in many parts of france (it posits), the baby is a part of the family, not the sole focus of the family, that you matter too, that you’re entitled to get back much of who you were.

I took loads of time out and loved being round my babies but that didn’t mean I didn’t struggle hugely for months if not years on how it affected who I am. I think I kept thinking ‘get them to two’ in my head about when it all got easier and then gradually it all got better.

You’re right in the crux of it now - deep in and exhausted but can still remember the ‘old you’.

Find the very best loving childcare you can, and compromise compromise compromise- maybe go back to work at 10 months not 12, get great contraception so you’re not caught out again. See if there’s a wonderful childminder anywhere near who has experience with babies - mine was a paediatric nurse cleared to foster at-risk newborns - she was longing to look after one of mine for an afternoon a week at 6 months and although I didn’t need it it was lovely to know the offer was there!

I didn’t take all the help that was offered because I was so busy martyring myself on the altar of perfect motherhood and now I look back and think ‘why the fuck didn’t I take up the afternoon with my amazing childminder and piss off and have a coffee and read a book on my own?’

I think it really does all get so much easier every month.

Fabulous book, one of the two 'childcare' books I read while pregnant!

Also, routine, routine, routine. Fake it til you make it!

OP I went back to work after 6 months and found that much better. I love my DS, but going back to work I also had another purpose and a mental break from it all.

@FTMFML but you can take your baby places you can’t take a pup! Persevere with getting baby out in a way she’s comfortable with and then you’ll get some of your life back once you can get out and do more stuff.

Ah op, I felt very similar to you when I had my first child. Felt like my life suddenly became stale and unenjoyable. Things get easier I promise, soon baby will start giving you much more back - more smiles and laughs and teeth and weaning is right round the corner, you've done the hardest bit - the loneliest bit. When my son was 6month old I decided to put him with a childminder for 3 hours a week, just a morning to myself a week made a huge difference to my mental health. Little breaks here and there so you can just relax - don't feel guilty about scrolling online in your free time, perhaps that's what you need.

Accept help that is offered, ask for help if you need it. No one as an adult thinks to themselves "gosh, wasn't it great of my mum to half-kill herself raising me all on her own and never to have a minute to herself". You are still their mum, whether you let a grandparent look after them for an hour while you take your dog on a nice walk and get them groomed, or you take an afternoon to have a nap and chill out with your OH, or if you use childcare a few days a week and return to work earlier. Do agree that as they get more interactive, babies are less about the take, take, take and start to actually give back and respond and engage with you.

Thank you all it’s nice to hear I’m not alone - have amazoned the book! … will try to read it rather than look through nonsense online!
Childminder sounds like an idea I’ll start having a look around the local area 😀

It can be so hard in the beginning. I don't think I got over grieving for my old life until about a year or two in! Mine are 4 and 7 now and so much fun; especially the 7yo. I think parents enjoy different phases. Some absolutely love the baby years. I look back on them fondly, but I also remember the shock of the first baby! The lack of sleep and never being able to plan anything on my own without arranging childcare. But it really has got a lot easier as time has gone on in my case

Everything until 6 months was a total slog for me. I cried every day but maintained - still do - that I didn’t have PND, I was just adjusting to a completely enormous life change, was tired and had completely lost ‘myself’.

I don’t have much constructive advice but I do promise it gets better. She’s 18 months now and I can remember how wretched I felt this time last year, it’s like another life. I’m back at work part time now and things have settled back into - ok, not my life how it was before - but something that I feel settled in. She’s at nursery on my working days and I’m typing this from the bath as I wfh on Fridays and spend my lunch hour doing whatever I damn please I meet friends for drinks after work, go out on a Saturday for lunch with my sister, whatever. Obviously I don’t do it loads, mostly because I miss her when I do, but her dad and I share the burden between paid childcare and it makes such a difference not being a 24/7 sleep deprived mum. I actually love being a mum now - I couldn’t have said that this time last year.

I promise, it gets better

And agree with others about getting something back. I always thought I’d be a baby person, not a toddler person, because I hate mess and chaos. But actually, now DD is learning new words/actions/skills every week and I find it so much more rewarding! So bloody hard when you’re giving all you’ve got and just getting nothing back.

In sorry you're feeling crappy - it is still very early days and honestly it's normal for life to be utterly topsy-turvy right now, but you should see some things getting easier in the next 6 months, but obviously stress of looking after dp will make things right tough as well.

Phillipa Perry's 'The book you wish your parents had read...' may be helpful to you, I'm reading it right now.

Yes, you will have to renegotiate your life and yourself to some extent, but that doesn't mean losing who you are. I think you have a tough year ahead but I hope it passes quickly.

Oh my word - I bloody hated the baby and toddler stage. I went for counselling the first year because I thought I would never survive another winter with 2 under 3. But survive it I did and haven't really looked back since. Honestly, it gets easier and easier.

I now have an 11 and 13 year old with the attendant issues that accompany that (including one recently diagnosed with T1 diabetes which brings a whole range of shit with it) but I would NEVER go back to the baby stage again. They're really fun now, and whilst I spend my life getting them to various activities and listening to all their angsts, I am so proud of the people they are and the people they're becoming. They are amazing and brave and funny and bright.

And FWIW I never wanted to be a Mum either. We had DS (first one) by pure accident when I was already mid-30s. We decided if we had one, we may as well have two and that turned out to be the best decision - DD is an utter delight. But I was not a natural mother and I found it ridiculously hard to start with - plus you have a whole lot of other crap going on - be gentle with yourself.

Hang in there OP - you will get there, I promise.

Oh gosh, you sound like me. The baby stage was The Worst. I found it got gradually better as baby slept better (I don't deal well with sleep deprivation) and I went back to work at 6m, although was lucky my other half could take shared parental leave, so understand that's not practical for everyone. 3m in was the worst part, I was utterly despairing that I'd ever feel like "me" again. It did take until about a year in to really feel like things had reached a "new normal" I was happy with - I remember suddenly realising that I wasn't just looking after this small person because I was his mother and of course I would, which had been my unspoken-even-to-myself mindset up until that point, but that I actually loved him and thought he was a really awesome person in his own right. And by 18 months, I completely felt like "me" again.

Now pregnant with DC2, which for me was unimaginable after 3 months - not sure you'd want to go that far, but it gives you an idea how much better it's got. This time, I'm going to try to lower my expectations of myself: it really will get better, it's a short but very challenging period, I don't have to do everything or do it perfectly despite the tiny voice in my head saying I do, and if the most productive thing I end up achieving in six months is a comprehensive knowledge of Mumsnet, so be it, there'll be time for everything else later. The first time round was made triply hard by me thinking I'd feel like that forever.

Huge hugs, it's the hardest time, and sometimes so hard to explain why it's hard, it just is.

I wanted kids but I'm not interested in kids generally. I found the first few months of having my first awful. I thought I had ruined my life. It was such a huge change in my lifestyle and was exhausting. She was a difficult baby too. It got better towards the end if the first year, less physically exhausting and she could be fairly easily taken along to places we enjoyed and by 3 years old I had lots time for my hobby and nights out with friends. My second has been much easier as she's an easier baby and it's not an enormous change in lifestyle. I've made sure this time to have a couple of hours away from her from time to time even in the early months and even though she won't take a bottle.

Exactly one year ago, I could have written this post. I found the early months really difficult and remember googling ‘I regret having a baby’ in the early hours of one dark Feb night. I promise this will pass. Things that helped:

1. Getting back to work and getting childcare
2. Sleep training my baby at 6 months (we did Calm and Bright)
3. I eventually saw my GP who told me I had PND and I started a daily dose of 50mg of Sertraline.
4. I started therapy

Now my baby is 15 months old and I am sooo much happier. Having a toddler is actually rather fun and I am having moments of joy again. Sending you lots of love xxx

I think I cried for the first 6 months.
Missed my old life, doing what I wanted etc.
Everyone says it gets easier, and it does.
He's a toddler now and I find these years so much more fun and manageable.
Babies are frigging hard.

Ask for help and accept it.
Even 3 hours on your own feels like all day with a newborn.

It’ll get easier as Spring comes and the crying in buggy will reduce as she sits up and can look around rather than lying flat which must be boring / annoying from their point of view!

And go back to work earlier if you like. I went back at 6 months for both my children. They’re perfectly normal now

I got a nanny and went back to work when all 3 of mine were 3 months old. Having a nanny meant I also had a little bit of free time to be able to exercise, go out with friends etc. DH and I also go out just the two of us one evening a week as well.

Am sure loads of people would totally judge me for all of that but it makes me happier which in turn makes me a much better mother, wife and all round person.

PS I actually quite enjoy being a mum now and love all three of my children fiercely.

Thank you all again! So nice to hear everyone’s stories and how you managed and are managing now. Glad it seems to get better, I will seriously consider going back to work earlier if OH gets some sort of health stability back🤞

@TheBestSpoon. - I honestly couldn’t have summarised it any better.

It’s so hard but hard to explain why it’s hard!

Sometimes I sit down and think… “what are you actually doing with your day?”

Making lunch for OH when he gets home, dinner when he is home, emptying this dishwasher, putting clothes away, taking the dog out for barely a mile… trying to maintain some form of cleanliness in the house, it all feels so bloody hard and takes twice as long with a small human stuck to your side because they refuse to nap! But I’m not achieving anything? No big cleans, no big walks, no fitness, no hobby time.
I try to encorporate LO into some sort of squatting, lunging, lifting exercises but it really isn’t the same 🙄