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Parenting

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Original poster

When will I ever enjoy life again?

34 replies

FTMFML · 03/02/2022 18:42

I’m going to try and keep this short.
My OH wanted kids, I didn’t however made the compromise of having one.
Pregnancy was mentally extremely tough, had mental health team involvement.
We now have a healthy 3 month old and I know in extremely blessed, and I do honestly try to be grateful. I have been discharged from mental health as I wanted as it was more a ‘pregnancy’ related issue, Tokophobia/dismorphia.
OH has a chronic health condition and is poorly at the moment, potentially multiple surgeries upcoming too and big decisions.
Another two close family members are also very poorly, one mentally and one physically.

These are all people I would bend over backwards to support but at the moment I feel I just can’t support them all the way I want to, or would have done.

I haven’t had a full nights sleep in months, I no longer have time for my hobby, my dog who I adore is practically being neglected, short walks, hardly any grooming(long coat breed!) I HATE taking him and LO because she isn’t the most settled of babies and can scream for the whole walk, making it really miserable. The time I do have for myself I waste flicking through nonsense online.

We have excellent support in the way of grandparents but the guilt eats me up inside whenever we ask for help especially as someone on my side is so unwell themselves.

I don’t want to be a parent, I never really did. She is cared for and is developing well, my parents and OH tell me I’m a great mum, but it hate it.

I’m grieving for my old life, I can’t find time or seem to use time wisely anymore.

I suppose this is really just a rant, but does anyone have any helpful suggestions of how they made it through or are making it through parenting?

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TheBestSpoon · 04/02/2022 14:32

I honestly think the combination of sleep deprivation, an enormous hormone swing and physical recovery from pregnancy / birth do a number on most people! Like PP, I probably ticked a lot of the boxes for PNA, but it really was driven by the physical factors - so not sure counseling would have helped, although I definitely would have taken medication if necessary.

Totally get what you mean: I once kept a minute by minute diary of my day to show DH to show how I was doing SO MUCH and yet SO LITTLE (he's lovely and really didn't care if I didn't do any given thing, it was totally for me).

Solidarity. You're in the trenches now, but the end of the worst is in sight!

TheBestSpoon · 04/02/2022 14:33

PS: get your OH to make his own lunch and dinner! Know you feel you "should" if you're not working, but you're doing your own more-than-full-time job...

Original poster

FTMFML · 04/02/2022 14:46

😂 Definitely feel like I should as I’m in the house anyway! Might start making him sandwiches the night before… be blooming easier than trying to cut cheese or butter bread with a sidekick!

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Choosehappy · 03/03/2022 23:46

Hi :)

So, I felt the exact same way, sometimes during my pregnancy, like I had made the biggest mistake, and then after my birth, I completely spiralled. I hated my new role, I wanted to take it all back, I wanted to adopt my beautiful little boy. I felt like I would always be miserable and like is made a huge mistake.

I told my partner how I felt - well I couldn't not tell him as I became bed bound, I wouldn't leave my bed and felt suicidal. I'm diabetic and I thought to myself - I'm just going to overdose on insulin. The most selfish and silly thing I could ever think, but I was so adamant this is what I had to do because my life was over.

My partner rang the crisis mental health team and I was sent to the nearest mother and baby unit. I was there with my boy for 3 months, I had therapy, I learnt a new way of life and really connected with my son

Choosehappy · 03/03/2022 23:50

@Choosehappy

Hi :)

Sorry I pressed send before I'd finished!

So anyway, I was in the mother and baby unit for 2-3 months, away from my partner, learning this new way of life as me slowly but surely I just fell in love with being a mum. It's hard! And my son has breathing difficulties so feeding and getting him settled can be so difficult, however when he does his little smile at me I just can't help but know, no matter d we hat sacrifices I have to make, I just have to. He didn't choose to be here, I gave him life. And there is so much help out there to support you in finding ways to enjoy motherhood. Yes, we have to give up a lot- but it's not forever, one day they will be playing with their toys or at a friends and you will slowly over the years find your freedom coming back, just in different ways. But if you are struggling with accepting motherhood or connecting with your baby, I'd advise to ring crisis. It's up to you, but they were really good with me and the other ladies in the mother and baby unit.

Mummy1608 · 04/03/2022 07:41

@Choosehappy that's an amazing inspiring story, I welled up reading it 💚

I struggled a lot when my dd was that age with birth ptsd and morbid thoughts - obsessed with death and crying all the time.

Things that helped me - I found a counsellor-led PPD peer support group which met weekly over zoom. Listening to other mums' stories and being able to tell mine was a miracle cure, after just a few sessions I was like a different person.

More mundane stuff - I tried to do lots of fun stuff while my baby was still immobile (pre 9m ish). So I took her to baby cinema, went to the pub or out for dinner in the evenings with her in the carrycot. We all went to the gym and DH and I would take turns looking after her in the cafe while the other did a workout.

Choosehappy · 12/03/2022 08:51

[quote Mummy1608]@Choosehappy that's an amazing inspiring story, I welled up reading it 💚

I struggled a lot when my dd was that age with birth ptsd and morbid thoughts - obsessed with death and crying all the time.

Toddler years are definitely more fun in an interactive way (dd is learning new words now etc) but I can't take her to baby cinema any more as she'll just run around haha. So you could try stuff like that as this is a good age for it.[/quote]
Thank you xxxxx lovely to hear your story too xx I have so much respect for people sharing how they feel/felt because it helps others to see there is light at the end of the tunnel and you aren't alone

amysinc · 12/03/2022 14:48

I have two kids. One 2yrs & 4 months. Easy child!
Had a second and she's 8mo. She's the polar opposite. Allergies like cows milk protein allergy. It's hard. She doesn't sleep well. She's constantly in a state of being moaning or happy... it's hard work. She is so strong willed.
I definitely mourn my old life. I feel like a prisoner in my home. One naps, then the other naps, then the first one naps again... so it's as though I'm stuck indoors to try and keep a routine because if they don't, well, it's horrible. Please tell me it gets easier. I seriously regret having my second child!

DarlingDarwin · 12/03/2022 14:53

I disliked the toddler phase but now my eldest is four I’m really enjoying her. It’s easier when they can do more for themselves. You don’t have to love every phase, it’ll get easier and you’ll see bits of yourself coming back in. Even without the baby right now you’re life is difficult and complex - it’s a rough time

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