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Parenting

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Original poster

Worried about DH when baby arrives.

40 replies

HelloPanda12 · 03/02/2022 08:32

(TW: Mention of SIDS)

I’m due to give birth next month and I’m really worried about my DH and his inability to stay awake. As soon as 9pm hits he’s falling asleep in a fully lit room, a lot of the time whilst I’m speaking to him! If he’s sat upright at the end of the bed playing the Xbox he’ll slump over and fall asleep in seconds and he blames it on being comfortable but I can’t see how that is comfortable. We can have a 5 minute conversation and as soon as it ends he’s slumped over asleep. He came home from work yesterday and said he had to go into the toilets and splash his face with cold water three times to stop himself falling asleep at his desk.

It’s never really been a problem, a bit irritating when I’m speaking and realise he’s sat up asleep but never a huge issue. Now I can’t get it out of my head that he’s going to fall asleep with the baby in his arms or on his chest unless I’m awake as well. It’s now a genuine fear of mine and I’ve had a lot of nightmares about it. My friends baby unfortunately and heartbreakingly passed away from SIDS in 2020 when she was asleep on my friends partners chest and had rolled her face into his chest whilst they were both asleep.

I’ve tried to talk to him about it many times and I’ve told him I’m going to be too scared to let him tend to the baby at night unless I’m awake. I don’t think he’s incapable to care for a baby at all and I knows that he can care for him but he just can’t seem to control his falling asleep and I’ve tried to explain that a little baby in his arms or on his chest is going to be like clutching a little hot water bottle and he’s going to fall asleep considering he can’t stay awake now. He keeps telling me it’s going to be different then and that he’s just tired from work but I’ve tried to explain that he’s going to be working and kept awake by a crying baby through the night so I can’t really see his side of the argument. I can tell he knows it’s a problem and that he’s not sure of himself and his capability of not falling asleep when the baby is here but he’s really defensive about it. I’ve said to him I’m not trying to make him feel bad or like he can’t be trusted but it really is a problem that isn’t just going to fix itself like he thinks it is when the baby is here. The man physically cannot stay awake and it’s getting a bit frustrating because it’s every day/night. He worked from home one day last week and I found him asleep at his laptop.

Does anyone have any advice on what we can do about this or has anyone been in a similar situation? It’s keeping me up at night terrified and I can’t seem to get through to him about it despite the fact that I can see he’s worrying about it too.

OP posts:

RampantIvy · 03/02/2022 08:35

He needs to see his GP

sjxoxo · 03/02/2022 08:35

I don’t have advice on the baby specifically- I think you should trust your instincts and do what you feel is safe. But the thing that struck me was that I don’t think your partners sleeping habits are normal?! Has he seen anyone for this? I’ve never met anyone who falls asleep like you describe- I think there’s something going on there. I’d get him to get this investigated tbh xox

Aspidistra1 · 03/02/2022 08:35

I think he should go to the doctor. This sounds more than the usual “tired from work”. Would be worth them checking for things like sleep apnoea as treating something like that really might improve things.

Measureformeasure · 03/02/2022 08:36

Honestly, your DH falling asleep like that doesn't sound normal. I agree that he shouldn't be in charge of a newborn in this state. He needs to see his GP now to find out the route cause of this issue. Sleep deprivation kicks your arse when your baby arrives. This needs looking into now so you have some help when the baby comes. Good luck. X

toomuchlaundry · 03/02/2022 08:37

Does he drive?

He needs to see a GP

LowlyTheWorm · 03/02/2022 08:38

Agree with the others- he needs to see his GP as this isn’t normal.
And until he has it until it’s treated you don’t let him do any nights- if he wants to help he can walk a crying baby around until they sleep but then he puts them down into a crib or gives them to you. He can prepare bottles if your formula feeding or change nappies. But he doesn’t sit with a sleeping baby on him at night. Or perhaps ever for now.

SickAndTiredAgain · 03/02/2022 08:40

He needs to see a Dr. He’s just keeling over asleep while sitting upright playing a video game?

Anniegetyourgun76 · 03/02/2022 08:41

He needs to see a GP, this isn't normal and could be a sign of an underlying issue. You won't be able to leave baby with him, I nearly smothered my baby once by falling asleep (after many sleepless nights) while we were laying together on the bed, I was slightly leaning over him and dozed off luckily DH walked in just as I was starting to cover his face. It was terrifying to think what could have happened and I don't have an issue like your husbands. A friend of mine quit breastfeeding when she nearly smothered her baby dozing off during a feed. Good luck and seek help asap xxx

toomuchlaundry · 03/02/2022 08:42

You are not always going to be in the same room as him and the baby during the day. He will not be safe cuddling the baby until you sort out his sleep problem.

Does he snore, stop breathing for awhile when asleep?

pollygartertidywife · 03/02/2022 08:43

Sounds much more like narcolepsy than apnoea... with the latter it's related to breathing while asleep .. or rather not breathing - narcolepsy is the disease where you fall asleep suddenly.. www.nhs.uk/conditions/narcolepsy/

He needs to see his gp. There is help for this.

Original poster

HelloPanda12 · 03/02/2022 08:48

@toomuchlaundry

You are not always going to be in the same room as him and the baby during the day. He will not be safe cuddling the baby until you sort out his sleep problem.

Does he snore, stop breathing for awhile when asleep?

He does snore and very loudly too. He’s had his nose broken a couple times in his life and it’s visibly bent one way. He does snore and then goes completely silent for a while to the point that sometimes I wake him up freaking out that he’s not breathing or there’s just a really long pause and then snore again as if he couldn’t get it out.

OP posts:

toomuchlaundry · 03/02/2022 08:51

www.nhs.uk/conditions/sleep-apnoea/

Original poster

HelloPanda12 · 03/02/2022 08:52

I agree that he should see a GP but at the moment I’m struggling to get him to admit that it is a problem. He does drive but from what I know has never had a problem at the wheel, I’ve sent him places in the past in the middle of the night straight from waking him up and there’s never been an issue but I’d be lying if I said I haven’t worried or been stressed about him driving recently.

OP posts:

RampantIvy · 03/02/2022 08:54

In that case he DEFINITELY needs to see a GP ASAP. He shouldn't be driving either if he has untreated sleep apnoea.

DH has sleep apnoea and now has a CPAP machine.

Roomba · 03/02/2022 08:55

He needs to see a GP urgently to be checked for sleep apnoea. My brother had exactly the same symptoms - exhausted, would fall asleep if he sat still for two minutes, had to stop driving to work after he briefly nodded off when in a traffic jam. He seemed to be get plenty hours of sleep, so couldn't understand why he was so sleepy all the time. Turned out he actually stopped breathing briefly hundreds of times a night, so he wasn't getting quality sleep at all. It is very common - I know several people who have it. It can put you at great risk of major health issues and the adult version of SIDS, so it's very important that this is ruled out!

RampantIvy · 03/02/2022 08:57

Cross posted.

This is a serious issue. DH has had a stroke. We don't know if the sleep apnoea caused it, but it is a risk factor. Your DH needs to accept responsibility for his health. Can you record him at night to show him how bad it is?

Maxiedog123 · 03/02/2022 08:58

He sounds like he needs a sleep study to see if he had sleep apnoea or narcolepsy and be treated. This sounds dangerous even without a baby around, for example driving

Roomba · 03/02/2022 08:59

Just saw your latest posts - yes this definitely sounds like sleep apnoea! I would physically drag him to the GP if needed as it's not just the baby's health at risk - it has very serious effects on the sufferer if left untreated.

Quartz2208 · 03/02/2022 08:59

Yes it definitely sounds like it could be sleep apnoea which left untreated can cause serious issues

CMOTDibbler · 03/02/2022 09:01

In terms of driving, untreated sleep apnoea has been shown to have more of an effect on your driving safety than being drunk. OSA is also associated with a whole host of things which will shorten his life if untreated.
Download a sleep app, record him, do an Epworth sleepiness test, and tell him to get his arse to the GP before he is a further danger to anyone else.
You'd have never known my dh stopped breathing 300 times an hour, or that his night time blood pressure was insane (normal in the day). His consultant said he'd have been dead by 40 from a stroke. Went on CPAP that day, never looked back and realised just how awful he felt before

Warblerinwinter · 03/02/2022 09:01

@Aspidistra1

Absolutely this. My ex had mental health problems and I fought for 6 years to get him assessed for sleep apnoea - finally when they did it was very severe. Once on CPAP so many issues were solved about his mental health too. You need to push your DH hard and get that appointment and then push Gp hard. You need to attend to be able to describe the incidents . Keep a diary too in meantime with when you observe him falling asleep and what he’s doing at time.

toomuchlaundry · 03/02/2022 09:03

If he won’t listen to you about going to the GP would he listen to anyone else, relative, midwife etc? Make him think about the consequences if he fell asleep at the wheel and he had the baby in the car

Warblerinwinter · 03/02/2022 09:04

@HelloPanda12

I found out after try ex had a diagnosis that he’d had to stop driving many times during days due to sleepiness. I also found out he’d been honked by a driver in a queue for being asleep. He didn’t admit to it before, but afterwards when he realised that he did have this condition it all came out.

Whatwouldscullydo · 03/02/2022 09:07

What are his sleeping habits.

Does he fall.askeep early then end up awake half the night on his phone.ir gaming ?

Drink? Smoking? Weight? All these things can contribute to poor sleep or sleep conditions.

Honestly if he's not bothered by the fact he's not going to be safe around the baby then I'd take that as a sign he's more than happy to leave the child care to you which would piss me off big time

Babymamamama · 03/02/2022 09:09

I wouldn’t let him care for a baby at night. Full stop.

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