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Original poster

Little boy not invited to play

76 replies

Mummy1234567891234 · 31/01/2022 09:43

My little boy had a play date after school a couple of weeks ago at his friends house and another boy from school went also.
When I picked him up she said he had been cheeky and she had told him off which I was fine with. They need to learn. She then said that it was her son’s birthday and that she would take some of them to a play centre.
My little boy mentioned how they had gone at the weekend and obviously he hadn’t been invited but a group of them had gone. I feel heart broken for him, we did say to him that if he was cheeky and rude that get invited again. He is only 5 I just feel it’s a bit harsh.

OP posts:

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Lou98 · 31/01/2022 14:56

It is also possible that he just wasn't invited and it was nothing to do with the play date. It's quite common at soft play type party's to only invite a small group as they're expensive. Chances are her Son has chose however many friends he was allowed and it just so happens he never chose your Son.

The mum shouldn't have said anything to you about the party if she wasn't sure your child would be going but I wouldn't automatically assume the two were related.

Although 5 is definitely old enough to learn to tidy up after himself. That doesn't mean you have to get him to "put his pots away after dinner" but expecting him to tidy up his toys after a game is definitely reasonable

Prinnny · 31/01/2022 15:19

If a mum you don’t really know said he was ‘cheeky’ I think he’d been a bloody nightmare! I certainly wouldn’t want to talk a badly behaved kid to soft play so I’m not surprised he was dropped from the guest list.

ElftonWednesday · 31/01/2022 15:23

I've never asked anyone visiting the house to tidy up, adult or child. They are guests.

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trumpisagit · 31/01/2022 15:29

A 5 y o should definitely be polite to adults when visiting their house. I would have a chat to him about that before he visits anyone again.

SavoyCabbage · 31/01/2022 15:32

@ElftonWednesday

I've never asked anyone visiting the house to tidy up, adult or child. They are guests.

It's completely normal for children to tidy up when they are playing. Same as at school. If you are playing with lego or a train set at someone's house and their Mam says 'ok boys, time to put that away now' then you put it away.

Similarly, if I was at a friends house for dinner I'd help clear the table. I wouldn't just sit there like the Dowager Countess.

Ozanj · 31/01/2022 15:44

@Mummy1234567891234

They were all very hyper - they always are when they get together. She said she had asked them to tidy up and he had said my mummy tidied up at home. Maybe I should start to get him to tidy his pots away after dinner. The other thing is she only has one, I have two which can be challenging and sometimes it’s just easy to do it yourself.

You definitely should start enforcing the same behaviours as school / his peers do, yes. Otherwise he will continue to lose friends as activities become less parent directed. Basic life skills at this age include using cutlery, getting dressed, toileting, following instructions. If he can’t do even one of those how do you expect other kids parents to want to risk taking him alone anywhere unaccompanied?

ElftonWednesday · 31/01/2022 15:46

I would certainly help to clear up at a friend's house and they at mine, but we would never actually ask, that's the point.

ElftonWednesday · 31/01/2022 15:49

Your little boy sounds like a thoroughly normal five year old, OP, and the DM sounds picky, demanding and deliberately cruel and probably to be avoided.

LittleBrenda · 31/01/2022 15:49

@ElftonWednesday

I would certainly help to clear up at a friend's house and they at mine, but we would never actually ask, that's the point.

Dc can create a lot of mess on play dates, especially if they are excited. There is absolutely nothing wrong with asking them to put things away after they have played with them. It's a completely normal thing to say.

NRRK28 · 31/01/2022 15:58

I’m sorry for this. But i understand the parent pov. Its my son 6th birthday nextweek and he invited all his classmate but 2 kids. I ask him why he is not invited that 2 kids. He said because that 2 kids bullied him. Kick him and push him while in the playground. I know that kids and i agree they are too rough for my son who is very sensitive and SEN. As bad as i feel for them but i still not inviting people that my son scared and dont like to his birthday. I dont know how cheeky is you son but its good if you tell him to be more gentle and not cheeky with his friend. Hopefully with this he will understand.

ChiefWiggumsBoy · 31/01/2022 16:07

@ElftonWednesday

Your little boy sounds like a thoroughly normal five year old, OP, and the DM sounds picky, demanding and deliberately cruel and probably to be avoided.

You think the other mother is demanding and DELIBERATELY CRUEL??

How lucky you are to live in a fairy land where what has gone on here is considered ‘cruel’

BeMoreGoldfish · 31/01/2022 23:01

The depressingly low standards of behaviour expected by parents on this thread are one of the reasons I left teaching 🤦‍♀️.

WeAllHaveWings · 31/01/2022 23:12

You are making a massive assumption she never invited him because he was rude.

Maybe there was simply limited numbers and he didnt make the list when her ds decided who he wanted to go.

Id let it go, it really is not a big deal.

ChocolateMassacre · 01/02/2022 06:53

@BeMoreGoldfish

The depressingly low standards of behaviour expected by parents on this thread are one of the reasons I left teaching 🤦‍♀️.

Schools spend a lot of time making their behavioural expectations clear to children, especially reception age children. The children don't necessarily behave perfectly on day 1, but most quickly learn what is expected of them and comply.

What I find depressing is the low standards expected of hosting parents. If you have a very young child coming to your house for the first time, understanding that there might be some awkwardness and over-exuberance because it's a strange new environment and the child is over-excited seems quite basic to me. Condemning a young child for their behaviour on a single occasion seems OTT to me.

BeMoreGoldfish · 01/02/2022 07:50

@ChocolateMassacre I don’t know how long you’ve been teaching for but having been in education for over twenty years I’ve seen a definite deterioration in behaviour with parents finding rudeness, laziness and disobedience far more acceptable and excuseable than they ever did.

None of us know what actually happened but my money would be on more than “being a bit cheeky”. But that’s world weary experience of parental minimising .

JudgeRindersMinder · 01/02/2022 08:00

Your son was downright rude, I’m all for self expression blah blah blah but he answered the woman back when she made a perfectly reasonable request
I wouldn’t be inviting him back either.

You need to work on your son’s manners

mizzo · 01/02/2022 08:38

It's hard to say. I've had the 'in my house Mummy does it' from two different children.
One was more an expression of how different the experience was, he still took his plate to the dishwasher, he'd been otherwise polite and played nicely.

The other was rude, slid his plate across the table knocking things over and stropped off demanding TV. He'd been generally hard work the whole time, pissed all over the bathroom, left rubbish on the floor, bossy to DS and unkind to other DC.

One got invited back and the other we just stuck to outdoor meet ups including his parents.

Nonpartymum · 01/02/2022 09:23

@Mummy1234567891234

My little boy had a play date after school a couple of weeks ago at his friends house and another boy from school went also. When I picked him up she said he had been cheeky and she had told him off which I was fine with. They need to learn. She then said that it was her son’s birthday and that she would take some of them to a play centre. My little boy mentioned how they had gone at the weekend and obviously he hadn’t been invited but a group of them had gone. I feel heart broken for him, we did say to him that if he was cheeky and rude that get invited again. He is only 5 I just feel it’s a bit harsh.

I'm 99% sure that I am the mum in question here. A quick text would have cleared this up very quickly if so.

I did have 2 of my sons friends from school over for a play date a couple of weeks ago, they were a very much a handful together and I did tell the mum the following day that he was cheeky and that I told him off which she was fine with. (I mentioned it as I would have wanted to know how mine behaves elsewhere and check he wasn't upset that another mum told him off!)
The play centre was mentioned to mum directly not the child and I stated that I wanted to arrange soft play for the 3 of them ( I didn't text in the end) it was never a party.

Unfortunately I lost my job, actually had to borrow the money to take 2 (my son picked 1 friend), not something one wishes to broadcast at the school gate really. 😕
Especially when one lives in quite a niace area.

I'm really sorry if you felt that I would deliberately hurt the feelings of a 5 year old child, if this is you, yes your boy was cheeky but as you were fine with me telling him off he had another invite coming and I really wouldn't have had a party and left him out.

I never spotted myself on Mumsnet before, that's that's new one.
Drop me a text and we'll clear this up properly, you have my WhatsApp. (You may wish to change your username too)

Pootlepoodle · 01/02/2022 09:29

Ooooh I love it when people recognise themselves on Mn!

Hoppinggreen · 01/02/2022 09:46

If that’s genuine well done for the dignified response nonpartymum

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 01/02/2022 09:51

Did you not ask your son what he did/ said on the play date?

applesandpearz · 01/02/2022 10:03

When I picked him up she said he had been cheeky and she had told him off which I was fine with.

If my friend told me this, I would be asking my child what they'd said, they'd be apologising immediately, as would I to the parent. I would be embarrassed they'd behaved badly enough for it to be called out by another parent. Most parents will minimise the behaviour when feeding back, so assume it's worse than she said.

So I suspect it was your response (you're fine with him being told off??) that made her think you're a bit relaxed on the parenting.

Regarding tidying up: of course it's easier to tidy up after small kids. The harder, but much more important skill, is teaching them how to tidy up after themselves, first time, without complaining, cheerfully. That takes time, persistence, patience, consistency, gentleness, encouragement and possibly will still never be achieved. But so worth doing and investing in children's life skills.

Nonpartymum · 01/02/2022 10:11

Well that was awkward, I decided to bite the bullet and ask other mum if this was her post, with link.
It isn't.
Just coincidental ,however, if nothing else this thread did prompt me to explain the situation as I would hate this if I thought someone excluded my child over 5 year olds being , well 5!
Playdates are being organised for half term, by both mums.

So Original poster, message the mum and just ask. It may just be something over nothing.

Ps, I will definitely be sticking to one child for a playdate for a while until I'm not outnumbered and they can be chucked outside. 🤣

Birthday cake should hopefully being sent into school tomorrow to be shared with entire class (if it doesn't need to be isolated for 72 hrs before hand!) 🙄

HomeHomeInTheRange · 01/02/2022 10:11

We always feel so tender for our kids, but you have a long period ahead of you if changing friendships, fall outs, small group invites that fo not include your child and others that do.

Have you invited this child back to yours?

The Mum almost certainly took a small group on the outing.

Remind your Ds before play dates that when he is in other people’s houses their rules apply, just like when he is at school, and to be helpful and polite.

But I wouldn’t do a heavy guilt trip on him about not getting a party invite, which may or may not be connected to the play date.

applesandpearz · 01/02/2022 10:12

@Nonpartymum

❤️ What a kind response. Sorry about your job.

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