SAHMs

[Askyfullofkindness]

Stay at home mums….

Assuming your husband works full time

How much help does he give you?

Does he ever get up with baby? At night or in the morning?

Do any household chores? Any cooking?

I guess there will be a range from my husband does nothing to my husband does everything.

I’m finding the balance between what I expect of my husband and what he expects from a housewife hard to strike. Dd is 18months old and she’s our first baby.

We have a 1YO and 4YO.

Haven’t had night wakings for months luckily. Kids wake between 6.30 and 7 usually, during the week we both get up and tag team breakfast and getting them ready so we both have time for showers. He gets a lie in Saturday and I have one Sunday.

I do most of the cleaning during the day although a lot is outsourced to the robot vacuum and mop! In the evening we alternate between bedtimes and cooking our dinner, I tend to do the kids on my own earlier. Clean up afterwards like the dishwasher is generally done together.

I've just gone back to work 3 days a week. DD is nearly 3 so I had a good stint as a SAHM.

We agreed, before she was born, that is just as important for the person looking after your child to be well rested as it is for someone doing any other job. So:

While I was BF at night, I did nights but he did the mornings from 4/5, so I got a bit of a lie in.

Since she stopped feeding at night, we've done a night on, a night off. Whoever is up in the night, the other person does the morning.

If he has a particularly challenging day ahead, I'll take an extra night shift BUT, he still takes the morning and he packs the nappy bag, dresses DD and does her teeth and hair so I can get out of the house more easily the next day.

He had 5 weeks pat leave and changed all nappies in that time. If he's off work or WFH but not busy, he still does them. (I don't ask but if he hears me talking to DD about changing her happy or using the potty, he'll often do it.)

We take bed and bath times in turns.

I probably end up doing more laundry and cooking. The former is easy to do with DD around and the later needs doing while DH is working because of DD's meal times. Everything else is split 50:50.

Maybe if DD was a less engaging kid I'd do more. But the way we see it, my "job" is to interact with her. If we were paying someone to look after her, we'd be furious if they were just doing household chores. Plus, anything I do, she wants to join in. It's good for teaching her household management, but it all needs to be redone after!

SAHM to a 4 year old & 2 year old. DH helps with night wakes shared 50/50 & gets up with them if I'm very tired (terrible sleepers & early waker). I mainly get up early though as I get DC ready in the morning, he helps if I'm stressed/running late. I do meal planning, food shop, all laundry & cleaning but he will do hoovering/floor cleaning (I have sciatica on & off). He changes beds. We alternate bath times & both pitch in equally to do bedtimes at the moment. He will also take kids one day on weekend if I need a break but try to do family days ideally.

What is happening with you OP?

Oh & DH cooks 2x per week.

Wow these messages are making me wish I had a conversation with hubby prior to having dd about boundaries and shared workload.

So DH works full time and has a work phone that he has to answer day and night. I do all cleaning, night wakes and morning get ups. He batch cooks for us on a Sunday. He sees dd for an hour or so when he gets home from work and cares for and engages with her. On the weekend he will take her to the park for an hour etc. if dd is unwell or im unwell he will make sure i have support and breaks.

I guess I feel like the house and baby are very much my responsibility and he just chips in here and there. I think because dd was a pandemic baby and my husband didn’t work for the first year of her life we have fallen into a routine. He had to close his company so now is working really hard to rest a lush his business. During his year off I would say we shared everything 50/50 during the day and I did night wakes.

It all depends on the hours your other half works. DH works roughly 9 to 5 from home and has flexibility. DD2 is breast but now we are trying to reduce the amounts she feeds so DH now always tries to settle her first. We both get 30 mins of peace to get dressed in the morning but DD1 often comes to chat to me. I do the vast majority of cooking because we eat at 5 with the kids. On an evening one of us baths the kids while the other tidies/clean. We both do a child each for stories and bedtime. We aim to both have equal down time at the weekend.

I see from your posts even when neither of you were working you were still doing the majority of the work.

DH does half the night wakings, half the bath & bedtimes, an hour or two of cleaning, cooks about 1x per week, lots of parenting evenings and weekends, his own laundry, a couple of school runs.

We have 2 school age children and a 2yo with extra needs who isn't in childcare yet (so it's hard to get cleaning done in the week).

I do all my and the children's laundry plus bedding and towels, most of the cooking, food shopping, most of the school runs. When DC3 starts preschool I will also take over all the cleaning but everything else will stay as-is.

We have two kids 5 and 3 and I've been a SAHM since the 3 year old was born.

Before I left work we had a chat about working hours.

His working hours are 9-5 with a 45 min commute each side (pre pandemic) mine are the moment he leaves the house until he comes home.

Just like when I was working full time, evenings and weekends are shared parenting and adulting.

This means when he finishes work he is a parent again and that means helping the kids eat tea, bath and bed routine. It also means helping get them ready and out for school in the mornings. The first thing he had to do was take baby / kids so I could go to the toilet and decompress for 20 mins lol.

At weekends we try to give each other some time to do jobs / have alone time. Yesterday I wasn't feeling too well so he took them out for the afternoon. He's cleaning the car now and I'll take the kids out when he's done.

In terms of housework, since the day we moved in together we've split it up. As I'm home all day it does make sense that I do the cleaning, washing, food shop and cooking. He has kept the organisation of our finances, bins, garden and clearing up after dinner. We also have an agreement to not make life harder for the other. He tidies up after himself, gives notice if he needs a particular thing washed, never complains about what food is served lol.

I will add that I breastfed so I never expected him to get up with the kids as there was no point him doing that. Now that no one is breastfeeding we take night wakes in turn.

My DH and I do 50/50 childcare/household chores etc for all the time he’s not at his paid job. He actually does more household stuff than me when the kids are little (clingy babies). I do/have done most of the nights because I breastfeed but he’ll do nappy changes in the night sometimes. He used to get up and sit with me when I found it tough in the early days.

Tag team seven days a week. No one gets a lie in. I do most of the housework, he does most of the dog walks.

Sorry, meant to add, at weekends we have kids who have activities so can't get a lie in even if we did want one.

I'm a sahm to a six year old and a seven month old
DP works 8-5
When he is home everything is split 50/50
My job is not 24/7 and his 8-5

Our LO is 2.5.

1.My husband can cope better with lack of sleep so does any night feeds or nightmares and is in charge of washing the bottles.
2.I've now work part time so l do more child care and the cooking.

Everything else we just do as and whens needed based on who has the motivation to do it. For example, I folded and put the clean clothes away last night, husband hoovered everywhere today.

It helps that both of us understand how gruelling it is looking after a little one and neither of us want to live in a pig sty. Plus, there isn't any resentment if one of us picks up the slack for the other as we understand that in the grand schemes of things everything evens out.

Slightly different in that DHs job means he is away from home a lot, up to several months at a time, whereas at other times he works 8-5 and home for lunch! But its always worked that I do everything when he isn't around, then we share when he is home and make sure we both get leisure time. For example this morning he took one child to her Rugby game. I did housework, went for a walk in the woods with the other child and made lunch. This afternoon I've been sorted laundry while he went to the DIY shop. He's cooking dinner later before going to work... he'll be home Friday. So ill do all housework and child related stuff until then.

Was a SAHM until recently, we have a 3 year old and 7 month old, he gets up on days off and let's me sleep in and rest, he cooks when he gets home from work maybe once or twice a week, cleans the house, does laundry if it needs doing, we share the housework and childcare duties pretty evenly really, I don't have to ask him to do anything or help, if something needs to be done and he's free, he'll do it. Now I'm working part time it's still even between us, when I'm at work he does most of the housework, when he's at work I do it, and we help each other in between and work together when we're both off

WhenI was a sahm (for five years in the last 10), I was responsible for the kids whilst he was working but we split responsibilities for the housework, laundry, cooking and childcare equally the rest of the time.

Are you chipping in on household income OP?

@getitsold

Are you chipping in on household income OP?

Well shes saving the family a ton in childcare...

@Askyfullofkindness

Wow these messages are making me wish I had a conversation with hubby prior to having dd about boundaries and shared workload.

So DH works full time and has a work phone that he has to answer day and night. I do all cleaning, night wakes and morning get ups. He batch cooks for us on a Sunday. He sees dd for an hour or so when he gets home from work and cares for and engages with her. On the weekend he will take her to the park for an hour etc. if dd is unwell or im unwell he will make sure i have support and breaks.

I guess I feel like the house and baby are very much my responsibility and he just chips in here and there. I think because dd was a pandemic baby and my husband didn’t work for the first year of her life we have fallen into a routine. He had to close his company so now is working really hard to rest a lush his business. During his year off I would say we shared everything 50/50 during the day and I did night wakes.

Apart from the pandemic aspect, this sounds a lot like when I was on maternity leave with dc1. Dh buggered off to the spare room and didn't do a single night waking for the first year or so. Lowlight of that year was when I was really sick with mastitis and had the flu symptoms etc. Really felt dreadful. He said he'd let me have a break and a sleep and I went to bed. Next thing, in he came and put the baby in beside me! Not sure what sort of break he thought that was...

Anyway, with dc2 he stepped up a lot. Dc2 had tongue tie and I couldn't breastfeed, so I exclusively pumped. So dh had to move back into the room with the baby at about 4 weeks and fed him bottles of breastmilk while I pumped.

I'm back at work now and dh does loads. An embarrassing amount actually, especially since I'm only PT. I'm going even more PT soon to retrain in my free time and I'm planning to do a lot more around the house, as I actually feel really bad about how little I do ATM

I guess I feel like the house and baby are very much my responsibility and he just chips in here and there.

I know others probably feel differently, but personally I think if you're a sahm, the house and baby are primarily your responsibility. Otherwise it's unfair and your role contributions aren't equal.

I'm not saying that your dh should do nothing at home, but it doesn't sound like that's actually the case? If you want 50/50 responsibility for domestic chores and childcare, wouldn't you expect to take on 50/50 responsibility for earning a living as well?

Nil during the week
And fair enough - he had a huge job and long hours
At weekends, limited to taking to park and helping with homework and changing our bed and gardening. Nothing else. Fair enough I thought

@getitsold no I contribute nothing money wise. I worked full time up until going on mat leave.

I think resentment is building for me as when he is off work (evenings and wkends) it doesn’t feel 50/50 in terms if childcare or housework. I am the default parent and I am the one who does chores automatically. DH always needs prompted.

Before kids we had a very relaxed ‘student’ type lifestyle and I feel like I’m dragging him into the real world a bit.

How old is your baby
And what type of job does he have?
When I was a sahm my dh at the time had a huge job and responsibility so appropriate he did very very little at home as he wasn’t there much

@AlexaShutUp

I guess I feel like the house and baby are very much my responsibility and he just chips in here and there.

I know others probably feel differently, but personally I think if you're a sahm, the house and baby are primarily your responsibility. Otherwise it's unfair and your role contributions aren't equal.

I'm not saying that your dh should do nothing at home, but it doesn't sound like that's actually the case? If you want 50/50 responsibility for domestic chores and childcare, wouldn't you expect to take on 50/50 responsibility for earning a living as well?

I agree with this.

Childcare is effectively your "job", it takes a few minutes to stick the washing on, dishes in dishwasher, hang washing out and flick a duster around. I wouldn't expect him to get home and not pick up after himself though

Sounds like he's already doing his fair share

Yeah I don’t dispute they are my job. That’s why I started the thread to see where we fall on the spectrum of husband help. I am happy being a stay at home mum but I guess sometimes wish he was more proactive and perhaps got up with the baby every now and again so I don’t have to have a 6am start 365 days a year