SAHMs

[Askyfullofkindness]

Stay at home mums….

Assuming your husband works full time

How much help does he give you?

Does he ever get up with baby? At night or in the morning?

Do any household chores? Any cooking?

I guess there will be a range from my husband does nothing to my husband does everything.

I’m finding the balance between what I expect of my husband and what he expects from a housewife hard to strike. Dd is 18months old and she’s our first baby.

DH never really got up with the babies as I was breastfeeding and co sleeping (he slept in the spare room as he's a light sleeper) tbf they were both very good sleepers from an early age, but if they were ill in the night he'd always get up to help. Once when I was really ill I asked him to take the baby so I could have a lie in.

He almost never cooks for the family but sometimes cooks for himself if he gets in late and I've fed the kids already a meal.

He does lots of jobs around the house like emptying dishwasher on a morning, he never stops hoovering and often tidies up. I do all of the laundry and deep cleaning type jobs, moping floors etc. he would never think to clean the bathroom or dust though.

I personally find the idea of 'husband help' depressing. I prefer to think of it as him doing his share and us working as a team rather than him helping. We are an equal unit.

We have a 3 year old and I'm heavily pregnant. Dh has a stressful nhs job with night shifts and a lot of responsibility/ saving lives. I do all myself: ironing, laundry, making the beds, mopping, dusting, 90% of the hoovering, 90% of the cleaning, all the washing up and most of the cooking.
He does all himself: running the car, stuff like changing light bulbs and cutting the grass, lots of the mental load in terms of bills etc, every so often moves the sofa and hoovers underneath it, bin night when he's here.
When he's here he does loads with ds and is brilliant at getting up in the night with him. Always wants to get up with him in the morning - even when I insist he must be tired and I'm here he insists back that's he always misses ds so much when he's at work and wants to do the morning routine. He's definitely a 'get stuff done' type and struggles to switch off, I've never had to ask him to do anything.

@Askyfullofkindness

Yeah I don’t dispute they are my job. That’s why I started the thread to see where we fall on the spectrum of husband help. I am happy being a stay at home mum but I guess sometimes wish he was more proactive and perhaps got up with the baby every now and again so I don’t have to have a 6am start 365 days a year

This is one of those things that improve with age.

I am up at 5:30 every week day (as is DH usually for a run), 6am on Saturdays because of eldest's tennis lesson. Sundays are our lie in ... until 7 lol. That's when the kids wake up and they wake us up then. It might only be 1 lie in but it is something.

I've also asked for a 'mumcation' for my birthday a few times. Basically I night in a hotel by myself. Best present ever.

My dcs are young adults, living with us.

When they were small, Dh did very little day to day with dcs, virtually nothing around the house, he picked up after himself but no more.

He liked to wash the cars and windows most weekends. He used to mow the lawns. Then he had a promotion so the garden became mine, it still is, which is fine by me.

He did come to school concerts, was there for birthdays/christmas. Annual holidays.

Weekends were very much family time, out walking and spending time with dcs.

While I did the donkey work when they were young, he has really come into his own negotiating with them when they were teens and now as young adults. Managing them is his job, I've delegated totally as he is so good at it.

When I was a SAHM my husband (now ex) did fuck all, except cook supper in the evenings for us because he enjoyed cooking.

No night feeds, no nappies, no cleaning...

5yo and 9mo DC's here.
My DH is out for work at 6:45am-5pm.
I'm bf but he will get up with the baby in the night to settle her.
If she's up for the day before 6 he will get up with her and wake me before he leaves so I get an extra bit of sleep.

I do a lot of the house work during the week but evenings/weekends childcare and housework is very much 50/50. He baths the kids every night and puts oldest to bed while I put the baby down as I'm still feeding her to sleep.
I cook all the family meals during the week and try have it ready for 5pm when he gets home so we can eat together. We try spend 30mins after dinner straightening up the kitchen and doing dishes while the kids are happy playing etc.
I do consider myself lucky because he is great and really helps out but also, we don't live in the 1950's and it should be a shared responsibility anyway. If I was to work it would only be part time, so I'm taking a huge fall career wise while he has his dream job.

3 year old and nearly 2 year old. We take it in turns putting the kids to bed. DS is a lot harder to settle so he nearly always puts him down. I do all the laundry and most of the cleaning but he gets up with the kids on the days he's at home and weekends. I do majority of the cooking and all the food shopping. He normally baths the kids while I have a tidy downstairs and get the dinner on. I feel we've got a pretty even split

You've got to do what works for your family. DH specifically chose a job that is flexible and family friendly and the plan is that I'll go back to work part time. He always wanted to be heavily involved with the DC and has taken extended parental leave both times when the younger two were born (DS1 is from a previous relationship).

Whereas if your partner is in a very stressful long hours role they might need someone to take care of all the at home stuff. Although hopefully with that kind of job comes good pay so you can get some help yourself, a cleaner, laundry service, posh ready meals or whatever it is.

But there's always cultural and sexist stereotypes at play as well. I think it might be worth clarifying what you feel your role is, as you mentioned housewife but stay at home mum and housewife isn't necessarily the same thing. You might see yourself as both or just one of those.