Really wanted to breastfeed

[ThatstuffCray]

Hi, just wondered if anybody has had this experience. So I really wanted to breastfeed my baby but was kicked out of hospital and due to lack of knowledge ended up FF. Midwife squeezed at breasts and it hurt! I was convinced I was doing something wrong and that it wasn’t working. The midwife said I would have to stay in if I didn’t establish feeding one way so I caved due to lack of confidence.

This was 4 months ago and I feel like I failed 😞

I was the same OP. My daughter is 5 and I still feel sensitive about it. I was supported by the hospital but neither me or DD could do it (both very poorly afrer birth). She's absolutely thrived. She's very healthy and we have a wonderful bond. I don't believe for a second our bond would have been any better if I'd been able to feed her.

What do you mean kicked out of hospital?

@LovelyQuiche not literally kicked but I felt the whole thing was very rushed and felt I was doing something wrong?

Ah OP, you didn't fail, you were failed. I don't want to minimise how you are feeling as I very much felt the same and had to come to terms with it, but as time passes and baby is weaned it will seem less and less important. Formula is still fab and giving baby all they need, and feeding is only a small part of being a mama. Be kind to yourself.

This is the experience of so so many women. I’ve been a mum for over 11 years and have heard the same kind of stories again and again and support available doesn’t seem to have improved much(in my area at least).

You absolutely haven’t failed at all, your baby is nourished and I bet he is thriving and happy and adored that is what matters.

It is possible to relactate but can be tricky and not guaranteed to work.

Lots of skin to skin, put baby to breast before / after a ff feed to see if they will suckle to stimulate milk production. Hand express very regularly to stimulate milk production too. It'll take time and effort but it's not necessarily too late.

Please never feel like you failed. I was distraught when I failed to breast feed, however I read somewhere, may of been on here that one mum said to her doctor but women in the past where able to do it when formula was not around and the doctor answered well yes and a lot of babies died. This really out it into perspective for me that we do have options and choice now.
As they say, a happy baby is a fed baby and happy mum, happy baby. All of whi h is true.
I still feel a bit sad about it 18 months on when other women are taking about still breastfeeding until baby is 2, then I see my little toddler running around and realise she's just perfect without being breastfeed (well as perfect as a toddler can be )

When it became apparent breastfeeding wasn’t going to work for us I was bereft. I sobbed and sobbed for days. Like you, I was so let down (pandemic baby, no support, various health issues). It felt like the most important thing in the world.

It took me months to move past it. Please know you did your best with the knowledge and resources that were available to you and you baby will thrive, however they are fed. Be kind to yourself op x

Your all so kind! Thank you. I suppose I’ll come to terms with it eventually.

My children are 10, 5 and 3. I struggled to bf with all of them for varying reasons. I mostly mix fed for 6, 3 and 12 months to varying degrees. I was bereft. To be honest I'm only starting to come to terms with it all now. I was very let down in many ways and I just couldn't access the support and often didn't know where to get it, even when I had experience. I think I'll always feel sad about it but I'm becoming more accepting. It just takes time I think.

Did anybody find it easier with their next baby?

No experience myself but I know Stacey Solomon is breastfeeding her latest baby but couldnt with her other 3 children. So just because it didn't work for the 1st doesn't mean it won't happen for the 2nd.

Try reading the book ‘why breastfeeding grief and trauma matter’. You haven’t failed, but I understand exactly how you feel, and no matter how many people tell you, you still feel it. As someone said to me, healthcare professionals are so pro-breastfeeding, until there is a problem, and the support just seems to disappear. This book is really good at helping you work through your feelings.

You definitely didnt fail and were failed as others have said. I had the exact same thing and told to just FF as baby was struggling to latch. Hospital didn't help and was discharged before BF was established and midwife who came to visit 24hrs later at home said well you cant do both so pick one and stick to it. I felt like the worst mum ever and FF. My little boy is a happy and healthy nearly 2yr old which is the most important.
I'm due my 2nd baby in a few weeks and under a different community midwife team who have gone above and beyond so far in helping me to succeed in preparation for baby coming and have put plans in place to hopefully make BF successful this time with so much support.
Always try to remember though FED is best. Thats what I always remind myself.

My first was only breast fed for 3days as I struggled so much, gave a bottle of formula and my baby stopped crying! So while I felt so much guilt, they were fed and happy. And thriving.
My second, currently only 3weeks old, took to breastfeeding like a champ, only issue I have is they want to feed constantly! So mix feeding is better for my health, and sanity! And I don’t feel guilty in the slightest this time round.

@Thomasthechick123 do you feel much better about your first experience now too?

Although I don’t want another baby any time soon, I am apprehensive about it because what if I don’t manage it again? Or what if I do and feel guilty?

[quote ThatstuffCray]@Thomasthechick123 do you feel much better about your first experience now too?

Although I don’t want another baby any time soon, I am apprehensive about it because what if I don’t manage it again? Or what if I do and feel guilty?[/quote]
I feel much better about it now. There’s an eight year gap, and I was so set on breastfeeding first time that it really upset me. Looking back, he was happy and thriving and still is & that’s all that mattered.
This time round I was much more relaxed about feeding, not bothering if I ended up combi feeding or ff, as long as we were all happy. I think it helped a lot!

It really confuses me that they promote it so much but then not support you and tell you what is happening is normal etc? I mean maybe I should have been less naive in thinking it would just work and it would be easy? I should have looked into it a bit more maybe?

Unfortunately it's a result of the break down of the NHS. The majority of midwives and other HCAs would love the chance to support women with feeding, but workloads are so ridiculous compared to the number of staff (huge shortage of midwives) it's not possible. Not that it makes it acceptable, but it's heartbreaking all round.

I second that you didn't fail - the maternity service at the hospital failed to support your choice. Your child will be fine on formula and be as healthy and smart as a breastfed child. However you have a right to be upset at not having the feeding experience you wanted. If you have another baby get in touch with a breastfeeding support group in pregnancy, read the books they recommend and go to hospital armed with knowledge, confidence and the phone number of a lactation consultant.

@ThatstuffCray I understand exactly how you feel, and I’m so sorry you’re feeling that. I wrote a very similar post when my firstborn was a similar age to yours. I was sent home from hospital before feeding was established (!) and it never did get established… I felt so guilty though for not trying harder… I was miserable around other mums who were ‘succeeding’ at breast feeding.

I would say with experience behind me that at four months you are not far off weaning to solid food, so don’t worry about trying to relactate and focus your energy on having the weaning go well and engaging with your baby as they are ready to interact more.

It is very likely to be possible for you to breastfeed subsequent babies if you want to try. If you do, you may find that it brings back difficult feelings about this first time. It did for me, but it was also easier for me to see the ways that support had failed the first time, rather than just focussing on what I thought I had failed at.

In the end, I hope you can enjoy your baby. And be gentle to yourself. You definitely didn’t fail.

Is this what they mean by mum guilt? Haha

@SilenzioBruno did you manage to come to peace with it too?

@ThatstuffCray More or less? It definitely feels better now than it did at four months!

I wish it could have gone differently, but I know now that so many things outside of me would have to have been different for that to be the case. In the end there’s a lot of luck or chance involved in the support you get and in the baby too. If my ds had been my firstborn he had such a strong suck we might have succeeded with a few cracked nipples, and then I would have been more experienced and it might not have been so awful with my dd… but you can’t really know.

There was an interesting study done in Cambridge that found that if you planned to ff and did so, you felt great! Similarly if you planned to bf and did so, wonderful! If you planned to bf but couldn’t, the sense of guilt and disappointment felt by most of the mums put them at increased risk of postnatal depression and other problems. Apparently this was news to the researchers! To me it seemed very obvious- if you tell mums to bf at all costs and then they aren’t adequately supported to do it, they are going to feel awful if they don’t succeed.

You didn’t fail or let your baby down. And if you have a second you’ll do great by that baby too.

Hi, I just wanted to share my stories. My DC1, DD, was quite small, and I was told by an infant feeding specialist midwife she had a very high palate. I EBF for 6 weeks and then combi-fed, gradually upping the formula until she was completely FF by 12 weeks. She was off the breast by 10 weeks - getting her to latch had become a huge struggle and she I couldn't get her to do it anymore. I don't know if this was bottle preference or now, with the new knowledge I have having breastfeed by second DC, if it was actually just general fussiness that most babies at that age go through and if I'd have persevered maybe we could go have combi-fed longer? The reason I started weaning her onto formula in the first place was due to horrendous nipple pain and trauma to my nipples. I saw lots of breastfeeding specialist midwives, health visitors, peer supporters etc and everyone told me the latch looked good but the pain never improved and it was giving me PND. I would cry when she woke up knowing I'd have to suffer and feed her, it was just awful. She was referred to tongue tie clinic as a last ditch attempt to find a problem that could be solved but she didn't have a tongue tie. I don't know if it was because she was small, because she had a high palate, or because my nipples just needed longer to toughen up...no idea. But I couldn't take it any more, and the combi feeding I had no support with that whatsoever as the peer supporters locally were purists and wouldn't support me with it. I still feel grief, and she's 3.5. I don't know if I could have combi-fed for longer with more support and guidance or not - but I will never get to know, because I didn't have it. And it still hurts. I always feel like I've failed her still and I always feel that maybe she's a terrible fussy eater because I didn't breastfeed her for very long. I know I shouldn't feel all this, but I do. I think I should read that book Why Breastfeeding Grief Matters and see if it helps me.

In more positive news, I have a 3.5 month old DC2, DS. He is breastfed except for 3 or 4 bottles a week which is a mix of EBM and formula. This is the balance I'm happy with - he still wakes twice a night for feeds. DH does 3 night feeds a week and sometimes another bottle feed if I'm out doing something that I can't/don't want to take DS with me like a medical appointment or a driving lesson. I had painful nipples and nipple trauma again this time but it clearly started to gradually improve at about 4 weeks. It probably took til about 3 months for it to be pain free I'm not going to lie but the pain was much less before then than with my DD, so it was more bearable. I also had more info about breastfeeding this time and knew the fussing and crying at the breast at 10 weeks + had various causes rather than him rejecting breastfeeding, I'm just so much more confident with it all now given I have more knowledge. I also have been going to breastfeeding peer support groups regularly which have been so helpful, whereas with my first I was too anxious to do that. I can't see myself stopping BF before 6 months now - it's been such a different experience than with DD. But do I enjoy it or feel I get some kind of amazing bond feeding like some people seem to? No. I don't. I do it because I hope it will provide him with some benefit, and it can be easier and more convenient and cheaper than FF in some ways, plus health benefits for me.