Really wanted to breastfeed

[ThatstuffCray]

Hi, just wondered if anybody has had this experience. So I really wanted to breastfeed my baby but was kicked out of hospital and due to lack of knowledge ended up FF. Midwife squeezed at breasts and it hurt! I was convinced I was doing something wrong and that it wasn’t working. The midwife said I would have to stay in if I didn’t establish feeding one way so I caved due to lack of confidence.

This was 4 months ago and I feel like I failed 😞

It is really disappointing but really you have a healthy baby who will not ever remember how they were fed and you will be their whole world.....

OP on my first DC1 I ended up
Combifeeding very quickly and then FF. it was due to lack of support, lack of knowledge and listening to completely misinformed but well meaning family and friends. Was heartbroken.

With DC2 I sought help from special breastfeeding public health nurse as soon as I got home. She educated me so much about the whole process. I breastfed DC2 exclusively until 20 months. IMO the things I did differently- 1.Don't listen to anyone who isn't an expert no matter how well meaning they are. And 2. It is a FULLTIME job at the start. You can end up feeding round the clock. Accept that and don't let anyone make you doubt yourself or your body. You did not fail. I did the best I could for both my DC ❤️

My first and my second both had undiagnosed tongue tie. Every midwife and health visitor said they didn't have it, until they were 12 months and 3 months respectively. Both times I was told oh its only mild I wouldn't worry and I took it at face value. My milk came in late both times and they both lost lots of weight so I panicked and ff while still trying to bf but of course I could never establish a decent supply after that. I used to get up in the night to express and try to stimulate more production. I could never express much and both babies never increased I enough on their own, despite often sitting all day in bed just feeding. I swore after my first that it would be different second time round. The second time my mental health was obliterated by it so at 3 months I stopped.

I was even more determined with my third. I got the best breast pump and was all geared up. On day 3 she was urgently admitted to hospital with an unidentified infection. My milk still hadn't come in and she had lost 15% of her birth weight. They immediately ff her in the hospital and she vomited it out of her nose and along with other symptoms diagnosed cmpa and put her on df formula. I had a postnatal infection and suddenly had to cut dairy from my diet while having no proper access to food in hospital as I was there for her and not me and so was horrificly unwell with no care and having to look after an unwell newborn on my own and getting no sleep myself. It was horrific. I remember them trying to hook me up to a machine to express, but again I was on the children's ward so I had no bf support at all and had been told to throw my milk away as I had dairy in my system so I couldn't actually feed her. By the time we got home a week later, I had hardly any supply and then could never really increase it. For some reason I have never been able to increase my supply. We limped on for a year mix feeding.

I sacrificed so much to bf and will always be disappointed but I know it did my best. I won't have anymore children so am trying to make my peace with it all.

How do you get over the failure feeling? Think I might be becoming a bit depressed because of it

I wanted to with ours too but it just didn't work out.
Our eldest was so hard, latching a nightmare bleeding nipples barely any supply and her weight was dropping too much. She announced to me not long ago that she has a tongue tie and showed me it (she's 16 now), not once did the midwives mention tongue tie being a possibility when she was a baby. We have 6 kids now, others had breast milk for a short time but mostly formula fed. All are intelligent and have thrived, baby is doing fine as the other did.
They survive on milk alone for a very short time really, you can't tell who had what when they grow up. Don't be too hard on yourself.

It really confuses me that they promote it so much but then not support you and tell you what is happening is normal etc?

I read somewhere that the most "efficient" way of getting more mothers to breastfeed is just to tell them that they should and get them to try for a few days. It doesn't take much in the way of resources and after that many will continue without much problem. Of course it's not efficient, because after being told time and time again that you "should", but then not being able to and often having very little support, many mums then suffer awfully with depression/anxiety/guilt. I'm 100% sure that my weekly NHS therapy for postnatal depression is costing far more than a few days of quality breastfeeding support right at the start 🤷‍♀️

How do you get over the failure feeling? Think I might be becoming a bit depressed because of it

Definitely speak to someone sooner rather than later. I foolishly put it off and it didn't go away, just made me miserable. Also it is easier to get help while baby is still under one. You can go via your health visitor or GP. Don't let them tell you that you're fine if that's not how you feel.

@ColdShouldersWarmTummy do you feel better about it now?

I had terrible trouble bfing my twins and felt hurried and panicked about keeping the weight on them. In the end I pump fed with formula top ups. Feeding my new baby now bfing and it's just been so easy. I think I will always feel guilty about that but as a mama I do what is best for my girls all the time every time.

I've not managed to BF either of mine - DS2 BF for a couple of weeks and both had expressed milk as well as formula to start with before being solely FF. I felt very guilty about DS1, less so second time round (because I was knackered and he shredded my nips!). It was lack of support for me - postcode lottery where I live as to how much help you get in the hospital and the community midwives couldn't have cared less.

Being completely honest, they get bigger and it becomes less important - at 4mo they really don't do anything so feeding is one of the only things they do so that's a focus for you as mum. By say 10mo, they're eating meals, dropping bottles, dropping naps, crawling, standing, walking...it's a whole new world of other stuff to concentrate on and worry about.

@ThatstuffCray

How do you get over the failure feeling? Think I might be becoming a bit depressed because of it

Talk to somebody in real life. Your midwife/hv/gp next time you see them to signpost you to appropriate help. There might be a ‘birth debrief’ type service at your maternity hospital which might be useful.

Also talk to your partner and/or a trusted friend. Preferably one who has kids a bit older than yours and didn’t find bf a complete breeze.

There’s a kind of grieving for the experiences you expected to have, and a fear of harming the baby (which is not as daft as it sounds given all the talk about the benefits of breast feeding, of course mums end up feeling like they’re hurting their baby by ff- they aren’t, but the feeling is real). I think you get over the failure feeling in part by sharing it with someone you trust and asking them to patiently encourage you that you’re doing ok as a mum. You need to hear it and do your best to believe it.

@ThatstuffCray I'm another person who struggled to feed my first baby. Admittedly, I was successful in the end, but the professionals openly expected me to give up as it was such a struggle... my baby had a tongue tie which caused a shallow, painful latch and low supply, associated jaundice, nipple trauma, mastitis, etc. I ended up with post natal depression and anxiety, partly triggered by the feeding struggles and feeling as though it was 'my fault'.

When was pregnant with my second baby I was very anxious about establishing breastfeeding again, but it was an absolute dream... I just put my baby to my breast and he fed beautifully ever since, with none of the issues I faced the first time (except a slight tongue tie that hasn't affected anything). It couldn't have been more different (and highlighted that none of the issues the first time around were 'my fault' at all), so I hope that gives you some reassurance!

I read this and just had to post a reply.

Please be kind to yourself, this is so tough on you and what a lucky baby you have to be so loved that this is so important to you. Sometimes there is a gap between what we really want and what ‘is’ and that can be really painful. Any feelings that you have about these are valid but you have not failed.

My first baby (now 9) I felt like this. I lasted a week. I had birth trauma and was struggling. I had little to no support with breastfeeding and was crying out for the support. I became so anxious I ended up formula feeding. I then really struggled with that for a good few months and dodged certain baby groups where I knew people would be breastfeeding as it made me feel so sad.

My eldest son I had fantastic breast feeding support. Different local authority. Really was well supported and it just didn’t work out. I burnt myself to the ground and called it a day at week 4 and then just fed and expressed bits until 8 weeks. I felt ok about this. I had tried and been supported and it was the right decision for us. I didn’t feel the pain that I had with my daughter. I guess because the support was so good and it didn’t feel like a missed opportunity or a ‘failure’. Bottle feeding was fantastic. He was so chilled, slept well and was super happy.

My DD2 - fed really well right from birth and I had good support. That combination led to bf for 19 months.

My DS2 is nearly 10 months and still breastfed. Again a baby that was super easy to feed. No idea what the difference was with DS1 as I was doing all the same things - but this baby just fed so easily.

I guess what I’m saying is that future babies may or may not end up being breast fed. If I think back to my son I don’t feel bad. If I think back to dd1 it can still make me feel tearful 9 years later and that’s ok as it was sad (but it doesn’t feel the same and it’s not all consuming anymore). I had some good ‘therapy’ that I feel has helped. Just be kind to yourself, for whatever reasons it led to formula feeding. You love your baby and in that moment you were doing the best that you could. I have read about relactation so that is something you could explore if you wanted to but whatever you do know that you are doing your best abs the most important thing is that your baby is loved and fed xx

@ThatstuffCray I feel better about the breastfeeding. The feeling of guilt/failure has now transferred to how much weight I gave the breastfeeding and how my obsessive focus on that may have harmed the baby. You can't win 🙃

Do you know anyone in RL who you respect/admire and who formula fed? I think I found it really hard because everyone around me was BFing and I felt so inadequate. Then my old BFF from highschool who's now a successful academic had a baby. I remember speaking to her and she was totally chilled about the fact that BF hadn't worked out so she was formula feeding. It was like the fog lifted and I could see that it really wasn't a big deal.

Idk if any of that helps.. I really hope you feel better about it soon.

Also go do something as soon as you can with your baby that you both enjoy. Focus on what it is about being a mum that you know you’re great at. Sausage is right that four month olds don’t do much but it could be a story, nursery rhymes, baby massage, bathtime just for fun, count all baby’s fingers and toes out loud, dance holding baby to your favourite song, play peekaboo… just cuddle and enjoy looking at how tiny and perfect baby is

It’s heartbreaking every time a thread comes up on this. I’ll echo PPs - you were failed by the system, rather than you failing. I know that doesn’t change things that much practically, but emotionally perhaps? Breastfeeding isn’t always as easy as it’s made out to be. It’s exhausting and hard work, and particularly for women who have had stressful or traumatic birth experiences, it can take a bit longer to get supply established because of the impact of stress anyway.

We need better breastfeeding support - both in hospital prior to discharge, if we’ve had a hospital delivery, and in the community as well. Cuts to public health funding have hit teams that support women to breastfeed, because those teams are usually commissioned by the local authority and/or Clinical Commissioning Group. If anyone wants to help change things so that more women and babies get the right level of support to establish breastfeeding and continue for as long as they want, something you could do is write to your local decision-makers and ask for improved funding allocations for breastfeeding support team.

If you search for details of your local CCG chair and write to them, and search on your local council website for the health committee chair and write to them, that WILL have impact. Particularly the health committee chair, as that will be an elected politician (councillor) and they do tend to respond well to local concerns in an election year. If you can get friends to do the same, so much the better.

You could even turn up at the public CCG meetings or health and well-being board meetings, where they can discuss questions from the general public too. Check in advance whether you’ll be allowed to ask questions on the day or if they have to be submitted in advance.

The current situation where breastfeeding support is generally poor, or at best patchy, or hard to access, is not doing mums or babies any good. We can’t change it unless we ask decision-makers to change it.

OP and the thousands upon thousands of women who feel like a failure, when they could probably have at least part BF with the right support, you all deserve so much better

OP I understand. i remember crying because I had to supplement with formula feeds and I got a right telling off because DS wasn't putting on enough weight. I felt an absolute failure and that I couldn't even give my son the nutrition he needed.

Looking back 8 years on I can see I was failed by the medical profession from start to finish. As examples:

• my DS was taken ill within a few hours of being born and although I was in hospital they didn't bother helping me express or taking me to breastfeed, even though I asked for loads of support I was ignored.
• I received contradictory advice from individual midwives, health visitors eg was told my latch was good, then I was told DS should only feed every 4 hours, then I was told I was holding him wrongly
• I went to breastfeeding support clinics and it was crap - no individual attention and no feeding plan.
• it turned out my DS was lactose intolerant (eventually diagnosed at 7 months)- which explained a lot of the issues I'd been facing when he'd been 2-3 months old. All of which had been missed by the HV.

So you aren't a crap mum just because you FF. I don't think it makes much difference in the long run to be honest and there is no reason you can't do skin-to-skin cuddling which is one of the benefits. I agree with PP who say focus on weaning when the time comes. And FWIW out of 8 of us at the antenatal group, 7 had issues with BF. You are not alone.

Did anybody get PND over this?

I breastfed my babies but looking back t actually kind of wish I just formula fed. Especially my first. The amount of energy and tears that went in to trying to establish breastfeeding. I never seemed to be producing enough and had to supplement and it was all so stressful. Also it made it difficult for me to go out and about as my baby would not feed if their were distractions. I feel I would have had a much more enjoyable baby experience if I had formula fed.

I didn't have PND but I was lucky in that my DH and a couple of close friends were absolute supports from start to finish. My GP was fantastic too - as was the paediatric consultant we spoke to when he went to get confirmation of the lactose intolerant diagnosis. He was the only one who actually took the time to tell me that DS was thriving, that I was doing well coping with a child that had feeding issues, that it really didn't matter or not that DS was still wanting a bottle overnight (despite what the HV had said) and that its ok to be less than perfect.

@ThatstuffCray

Did anybody find it easier with their next baby?

I had twins first. I combo fed for 6 months and it was so hard. Bfing my two week old now and it's so easy but definitely because she is naturally a good feeder which my twins weren't. As others have said formula is great, your child will thrive xx