Feel robbed with lockdown baby

[xXwhenwillitendXx]

Dd was born in August 2020 so most of pregnancy was through lockdown, had hardly any midwife appointments and partner couldn't come to scans. This is my first and will be my only child, DH has son from previous relationship.
I had it all planned to go to baby classes, and the excitement of us both seeing baby at scans... all ruined.
Then DD was born saw midwife once, got weighed twice, and only ever spoke to the HV twice on the phone. No baby groups nowhere open, just sat at home with newborn baby not having a clue what I'm doing.
DD is now 18 months and I think doing well, but how can I be sure???
I feel robbed of her early years, never knowing if I was doing the right thing, no clinic I could drop into for advice, no socialising with other mums.
My child has basically been bought up using tips and tricks and advice from mumsnet.
I still get over anxious when she's unwell (which seems to be every other week atm) and still question myself if I'm a good mum.
Are these normal first time mum worries, or do I have a right to feel robbed because of Covid???

My dd was also born August 2020 so I know how you feel about the early days missing out on scans and people coming round and visiting the baby etc. However, I really think you need to move on from dwelling on the past. We've been going to baby groups since dd was about 8 months roughly. I don't feel she's missed out at all. Babies don't need to go to groups when they're small but now is when they can benefit from socialising and new experiences. Have you tried to book onto any classes near you? Soft play? Swimming? These are all options now so perhaps try and put the past to bed and make plans for now.

We go swimming once a week now which is great as I've started to make mum friends. But I'm back at work do can't do much more then this.
I think the lockdown has made our bond very strong as it was just me and her for most of her first months.
I thinks i still just question myself that am I doing everything right as I've never seen anyone to tell me otherwise or telling me what I should be doing.
Although I suppose she's still alive so I must be doing something okay

My ds (2nd dc) was born late 2019 and lockdown started when he was a few months old, he is definitely my last baby and my maternity leave plans all changed. I was completely overwhelmed suddenly having to home school as well as having a tiny baby and he barely got at attention. He was quite poorly at birth so the first weeks were a stressful blur of scbu, doctors, anxiety and worrying whether he'd get through it. Luckily he's fine now, but his respiratory issues, no follow up care because of covid and then the worry of covid on top was awful.

It also means that now he has no idea what to do in most places and gets overwhelmed if there's more than 4 or 5 people around.

But, there's nothing to be gained now from focusing on the past. Not much was dealt with well, I hope lessons were learned but you have a healthy dc. Get yourselves out and enjoy things now (classes and activities will also be way more fun with a toddler).

It sounds like both to be honest - all new parents probably question themselves, but then you've also had a difficult time due to Covid. Hopefully you can get out and about with your little one now.

Mine was born in spring 2020. I agree with you - I think it was tough. But actually, now DS is a toddler, I think people had it much MUCH harder. The thought of only being able to go out for an hour a day with a toddler and no parks/toddler groups/libraries/soft play centres being open is horrendous. Much worse than with a newborn. I don’t know how people survived that.

Same age is my DC2. It's very hard not to be sad about what could have been. I've even contemplated a third just to try and get the pregnancy and mat leave I didn't get. Which is of course ridiculous.

As pp said, you just have to be grateful for your beautiful DC and look forward. We can't change the past.

I can't imagine what it was like to have a baby when you did - it sounds incredibly tough. Some of the baby groups have been a lifeline for me. In terms of having people you can ask - honestly everyone has a different opinion, you still don't actually see a HV ever and half the time they tell you stuff on the phone that you just know is a bit odd. I'm sure you're doing everything just fine!

I think it's completely normal to question if you're doing the 'right' thing as a parent. Have faith that you are enough, you are your child's favourite toy and there is lots you can do to help learning and development from home.

If you use Chat, Play, Read, Sing as a guide and mantra to your interaction you might find it useful.

You might also find the these things helpful
What To Expect When document
Tiny Happy People website
Hungry Little Minds website
Words for life website

If it’s any use I had my first in 1991 in a strange town where I knew no one and never had a HV visit. Couldn’t get to any kind of activities. Didn’t have a car and lived rurally.

He’s fine.

@AliceW89

Mine was born in spring 2020. I agree with you - I think it was tough. But actually, now DS is a toddler, I think people had it much MUCH harder. The thought of only being able to go out for an hour a day with a toddler and no parks/toddler groups/libraries/soft play centres being open is horrendous. Much worse than with a newborn. I don’t know how people survived that.

Sorry, just wanted to say I didn’t mean to minimise how you feel with this. You have every right to feel as you do and it’s not a competition as to who had it tougher. More just my own ramblings about how rubbish lockdown was across the board!

Professor Amy Brown has a great book on covid babies.

There's a misconception that baby classes, will bring in a wonderful group of friends you have for life and share with.....this may be true for a small number, but not for most. You're doing the swimming classes, and you need to not focus on what you think you're child has missed out on- they've gained more attention from their parents than most children get with lockdowns as more parents were at home. Don't focus on your perceived negatives, and try to stop feeling robbed. Many baby classes are pretty crap anyway, and no guarantee you would have stuck with them!

@AliceW89 no I totally agree, I couldn't imagine what it would be like now with her not being able to go anywhere, I go stir crazy now if we spend just one day in the house and don't go out.

-do I have a right to feel robbed because of Covid???-

No, I don’t think so.

A partner coming to scans is very much a luxury that those of us with partners who can’t get time off work/ single parents/ people with an older child just don’t have. Loads of women in normal times have to pull up their big girl pants and just get in with it. You’ve had to because of a pandemic. Count your blessings.

Also, HV’s are over worked. Unless you or your partner are abusing each other/ your baby then your HV would have had passing interest in you. You could have had a few more appointments, but other than a few more weight ins you’ve had about as much support as the rest of us had pre-covid.

Also… baby groups with young babies are very very much overrated (your baby cries/sleeps the whole way through). And very much rated by the people selling them.

I’m sorry you’ve found it hard. Adjusting to having a baby is hard without a pandemic going on.

But it could be worse.

My son was born Jan 2020. I took February to recover (and luckily my mum was able to fly down to meet the baby), and then we were all ready in March to go out and start Doing Things!
And then lockdown happened. And kept happening. (And also I got cheated on and became a single mum in lockdown).

It does suck a bit. I’ve had the same worries. All the baby clinics shut down so I never really got to take him anywhere around other mums and babies. He’s still quite a shy boy on initially meeting people because he’s basically only been around me.

So, yeah, solidarity OP.
It’s a rubbish position because on one hand I logically understand that we’ve got the Plague about so we had to do those things to stay safe, but also being sad I missed out on things I might have otherwise gotten to experience.

Even tiny things like old ladies leaning over the buggy to tell me that my baby is cute, couldn’t happen. (Well, this did happen to me once at the beginning of February and I was actually really happy about it. Thank you, random older lady, wherever you are).

@Endofdaysarehere

-do I have a right to feel robbed because of Covid???-

No, I don’t think so.

A partner coming to scans is very much a luxury that those of us with partners who can’t get time off work/ single parents/ people with an older child just don’t have. Loads of women in normal times have to pull up their big girl pants and just get in with it. You’ve had to because of a pandemic. Count your blessings.

Also, HV’s are over worked. Unless you or your partner are abusing each other/ your baby then your HV would have had passing interest in you. You could have had a few more appointments, but other than a few more weight ins you’ve had about as much support as the rest of us had pre-covid.

Also… baby groups with young babies are very very much overrated (your baby cries/sleeps the whole way through). And very much rated by the people selling them.

I’m sorry you’ve found it hard. Adjusting to having a baby is hard without a pandemic going on.

But it could be worse.

All of this.

I DID feel for the folk who had tiny babies and couldn't have any visitors, even though it seems that would suit a lot of posters on MN but, from what I remember things were a bit more open by August ?

I also think what you imagine life is like in terms of all these friends you make at 'baby groups' and being able to see a HV regularly, really are not most people's reality.
I had dc1 25 years ago, dh never came to any scans for any of my 3.
The HV came once, told me I wouldn't see her again as she had a new job and that was it. Never saw one with dc2 or 3 either. Now, the service is far more overwhelmed.

There isn't any point on dwelling on how things might have been different.

In terms of where you little one is with their development, have that discussion with your Nursery or Childminder (as you say you are back at work, I presume your LO must be in childcare). They will have a much better awareness than the HV as they are with your LO for hours every week, not a quick appointment.

I feel you, I had two under two during lockdown. One newborn at the start of lockdown and a toddler. It wasn’t fun, at all. Minimal HV appointments (and shocking care from the HV we had, honestly never missed my original HV so much (she was off on maternity leave)). PND and got prescribed anti depressants over the phone with no follow up, obviously.

It was a shit time. You’re absolutely allowed to feel this way. I know a lot of mums do, especially with the stories of Boris’ parties coming out. I was left in hospital suffering from
what is more likely than not PTSD from my first horrendous birth with no support from my partner as he was kicked out an hour after DD was born. C section recovery, had to stay in because DD had jaundice due to me being rh+ and I had a breakdown over it. I feel so bad when I think back to it- I was sobbing uncontrollably to some poor doctor literally begging him to let us go home and I’d come back the next morning but obviously he wasn’t exactly keen. He was lovely and said he’s organise me a side room but I was just a mess. The lead midwife actually gave me a hug and nearly started crying herself after she gave me the news we were allowed to go home because she knew how difficult I was finding the hospital environment.

My partner was a key worker so while I was at home with PND trying to parent two under two, he was under severe stress at work and trying to hold it and me together. It was a horrendous time for us.

The pandemic has been a bitch. Obviously I’m incredibly thankful for the great care we received in the hospital (they were fantastic with me) and the fact that our families have been relatively untouched by Covid. It could have been so much worse. But yeah, it was bloody hard.

If it’s any consolation Op, I had a lockdown baby and a 4 year old. Baby had no clue what was going on whatsoever, they don’t need groups. 4 year old had her little world turned upside down. School closed, clubs closed, couldn’t see family she knew. The babies won’t remember this!

I also romanised what meeting new mums and going to baby groups would be like and if just wasn't like that at all! You haven't missed out. If you'd like to meet mums with babies your age perhaps try something like Peanut?

I wouldn’t worry about it too much I didn’t have a partner come to scans as I was single and pregnant, yeh it’s crap he couldn’t come to yours but at least you have someone to share the pictures with after, baby groups I never went to as I heard they were cliquey and unfriendly and as an introvert i decided not to go to them, HV you’re definitely not missing anything there I saw mine once then never bothered again

I still get over anxious when she's unwell (which seems to be every other week atm) and still question myself if I'm a good mum.
Are these normal first time mum worries, or do I have a right to feel robbed because of Covid???

Normal. And with no 2,3,4 etc

Sorry it was a shit mat leave. Mine was pretty awful (velcro baby, no sleep, redundancy and HR dispute) and I wish it had been different. She'll never remember the lack of monkey music or baby sensory classes in her life though and I wish I'd been spared them too to be honest. Make the effort to socialise as she gets older, as she learns to speak and form her own attachments you will be surprised at the lasting friendships you will make as she gets older. Even in full time work.

I thinks i still just question myself that am I doing everything right as I've never seen anyone to tell me otherwise or telling me what I should be doing.

I felt like this about my first baby who was born almost a decade ago. I'd say its normal first baby mum worries. A lot of mum's don't get to experience the maternity leave we're sold by social media. I had PND and anxiety. The first three months of my son's life were some of the darkest of mine.

You haven't done wrong and please don't feel you've missed out on anything. You've given your baby all the love in the world, interaction and she's clearly met her milestones too.
We've got a 10wk old daughter, grandparents aren't really interested but she has all the love in the world she needs off myself, her daddy and 4 siblings. We have huge age gap- next one up is 10 in feb. I didn't go to any baby groups or meet any mums I was too busy with the others.
It isn't always roses and rainbows with mummy groups and in an ideal world I would love the idea of friends and all having babies grow up and be lifelong friends but I've never had that and my children are fine.
When the older ones were babies (18,15,13) I was in a very very abusive (mentally and physically)
relationship if you could call it that and spent most of my time away from the house or upstairs if I was in, my mother had moved to the Middle East and married her holiday romance ( long story) and I was here just concentrating on trying to be the best I could be, I didn't have a clue don't have any siblings and nobody around to show me the way but I did it and I'm proud of that. I couldn't go to any groups but what I did do was what you've done, devoted all my time gave all my love and was the best mummy I could be at that time. Please stay strong you'll have mum guilt for the rest of your life now you are a mummy and that will range from saying no to a teenage disco or not giving her the right chicken for tea 🤣 she will love you more than anything you're her world and you've done a damn good job - especially during a pandemic that nobody could of planned for. It's the hardest and most rewarding job in the world being a mummy so hold your head high you've got this and you're doing amazing 🤩

I just can't relate to your experience at all and I have a 16 month old DS.

Baby groups opened up in April 2021, including swimming, and the weather was beautiful so plenty of time to meet up with friends / NCT / new friends from groups outdoors.

We also had the benefit of pregnancy during lockdown - not having to commute when you're knackered, being able to do meetings lying on a yoga mat with your camera off, able to eat whatever and not have to smell other peoples food, no FOMO because no one else could go to the pub either! Private scans allowed partners so we went together to two.

I'm sorry you feel you've missed out, but try to look at the positives - and does it really matter now you have a healthy toddler to run about after ?

Also - HVs are seriously overrated. Mine have outdated advice and seemed barely present. I essentially signed us off after that as it was a waste of time. Unless you have some sort of additional needs or vulnerabilities as a family, they're superfluous after midwife appointments.