Feel robbed with lockdown baby

[xXwhenwillitendXx]

Dd was born in August 2020 so most of pregnancy was through lockdown, had hardly any midwife appointments and partner couldn't come to scans. This is my first and will be my only child, DH has son from previous relationship.
I had it all planned to go to baby classes, and the excitement of us both seeing baby at scans... all ruined.
Then DD was born saw midwife once, got weighed twice, and only ever spoke to the HV twice on the phone. No baby groups nowhere open, just sat at home with newborn baby not having a clue what I'm doing.
DD is now 18 months and I think doing well, but how can I be sure???
I feel robbed of her early years, never knowing if I was doing the right thing, no clinic I could drop into for advice, no socialising with other mums.
My child has basically been bought up using tips and tricks and advice from mumsnet.
I still get over anxious when she's unwell (which seems to be every other week atm) and still question myself if I'm a good mum.
Are these normal first time mum worries, or do I have a right to feel robbed because of Covid???

In my experience, MN doesn’t tend to be enormously sympathetic because they believe baby classes are an indulgence for middle class mums.

Partners attending scans isn’t a luxury, IMO.

I had a baby in winter 2020, so born between lockdown 2 and 3. The first two months were bloody awful (although February was marginally less bloody awful.)

Baby classes are good for both mum and baby. I have no idea why people are so arsey about it. God forbid a baby or toddler might enjoy a different environment and some toys / other babies / toddlers, and that the mum might have a bit of a chat to other mums.

I've even contemplated a third just to try and get the pregnancy and mat leave I didn't get. Which is of course ridiculous.

I don’t know that it’s ridiculous. I don’t mean you should do it (unless you want to) but a factor for me wanting another is that feeling of having missed our first time.

Maybe stop dwelling on the tougher parts of the past few years.

Focus on the positives - your partner probably saw your baby grow up more than he would have, you all got more quality time together as a family etc etc.

People have had it a lot worse over the past 2 years so think yourself lucky that you have a beautiful baby.

I refuse to call my babies Covid babies- they won't be defined by what's going on.

You would have had a 1 year visit with the HV who would have highlighted any developmental issues, and if you didn't then you need to contact them.

Do baby groups now if your so bothered, enjoy the swimming.

Don't want my post to come across harsh but honestly, get on and do the best with the cards you've been dealt.

I think it's normal to feel the way you do. However, it's unlikely things would have worked out exactly the way you wanted even without a pandemic. We all have a certain idea of what being a mum is going to be like, it rarely works out that way.

Besides, your DC is still very little. As time goes on, you will realise that the first 2 years are only a very small part of parenting. You have decades ahead of you. Children need you just as much (if not more) when they're 4, 7, 10...years old.

I had my second in July 2020 and I get what you mean. A quiet maternity leave suited me but I think I would've struggled first time round. IME access to HV s and advice and support like that doesn't really happen under normal circumstances either unless something isn't going the way it should, but I understand you feeling like a safety net was taken away.

Covid and the lockdowns were shit for everyone in different ways. Not many of us would choose to have a first baby when the world ground to a halt, so pay no heed to the usual MN game of competitive martyrdom. It wasn't what you'd wanted or planned and it's ok to feel disappointed about that.

Looking to the future, I'm sure your DC is absolutely fine. As someone else said, the staff at their childcare will actually be the best to discuss any concerns about development with - they know your DC and also see lots of children learn and grow.

I can see where you are coming from. I had a similar experience when I had my first one, although it was twenty years ago. We had just relocated abroad a few months before she was born. I didn’t speak the language and knew nobody at all. I had no family there or nothing. Internet forums did exist, but weren’t used as much as they are now and our internet connection was patchy.

Luckily we only stayed in that country for 18 months, but they were the most isolating months of my life. On the flip-side, me and my DD formed an amazing bond, it was always just us and no distractions really. It was also a warm country so we could spend a lot of time exploring outside. Looking back at it, it feels somewhat rosy, but I know I cried most evenings and I remember the groundhog day feeling I had every morning.

I think all you can do is to let go of the feelings of being robbed of something, and look forward and create new memories. Your baby is still so young.

I feel really sad for you and others in your situation. My daughter was a much awaited surrogacy baby (no more precious than any other, just saying long complicated journey) and I found early motherhood very lonely as I missed the pre birth relationship building. So I get it
My altruistic surrogate was my very close work friend and she’d got close to another pregnant lady in her department
I am ever grateful that she felt the same and reached out to me
I don’t think you can replace your experience (obvs) but all you can do is embrace everything now
Baby music, church hall drop in play sessions. Soft play. Smile at other lone women and chat
Big hugs

My DH didn't come to any scans with my high risk twins - or the conception (IVF transfer and he wasn't allowed to be there) and also missed the birth due to covid lockdown in January 😂

Could you have not have done a private scan?

Honestly I think you are over thinking - and also need to put it behind you - parenting experiences don't centre around 10 mins being weighed at the HV clinic and the odd baby class

Agree with others they are massively over rated and just breeding grounds for performance parenting

You are having normal feelings and responses to what has been a traumatic experience.

When we have a stressful or traumatic experience, like you have, our brains don't process the memories of it normally. This can mean the memories keep coming back to us again and again until we deal with them properly and they get 'filed away' like they were supposed to. It's even more complex when the trauma is spread over a long period (like a pandemic) rather than one incident like a car crash. There's no reason why this may have happened to you and not others with similar experiences, it's just chemical.

Lots of people saying 'don't dwell' but from what you've said it sounds like the urge to ruminate on these thoughts is stronger than just being able to turn it off at will which is why the above may apply to you. And, because you're getting these feelings of being cheated it is getting in the way of you leading the life you want now. That's a good reason to seek intervention, either professional (CBT for a few sessions is likely to be very effective) or self help.

One place to start is to think about the positive drivers for your rumination. Things like seeking meaning in your experiences, or learning lessons for the future.

Understanding your motivation to ruminate will help you identify any behaviours that are feeding these thoughts and feelings. Gently, I'd include posting on MN in that as running this thread is 'permission' to spend even more time on these thoughts.

Good luck 💚

Thanks everyone, none of the posts come across as harsh.
I suppose you have this idea in your head what it will be like when you have the baby and then it doesn't go to plan. From what you have all said, it seems even without lockdowns the ideology and reality are different.
She is at childminders and her Childminder has no concerns. She is a very confident independent toddler so for that I'm very proud of myself.
In term of the HV it doesn't look like they offer much even before covid??

Hi OP, I completely empathise with how you feel. I had DS in April 2020. My DH wasn't allowed at the birth. There were no baby groups. Family couldn't visit. Support was virtually non existent. It was really really tough.

We'd struggled to conceive for a couple of years prior. I used to see groups of mums hanging out in coffee shops and feel it was a club I couldn't be part of. I still feel like that to a certain extent.

My SIL had a baby a year later. I love my niece to bits and I'm glad she had a great start in life, but it's been hard to see her at play groups and classes and with her grandparents when all DS had at that age was endless walks with me. The week I went back to work, classes were allowed to run again.

A couple of things that have helped me feel better are...

I try to take some annual leave every month and spend a day or two doing nice weekday stuff with DS. We go to drop in play groups and went to a children's theatre this month. It feels a real privilege to be able to do that stuff.

I don't have much of a mum group of friends but I've met a couple through Mush who we sometimes see.

It's impossible to know the extent to which it has affected our children. DS seems to be developing fine and is very confident socially. After a difficult start, he's doing great at nursery. It's definitely affected us as a family though and has made us very self sufficient.

We can't change what's been unfortunately. We were just unlucky with timings. Good luck as you go forward.

I feel robbed of her early years

You Havnt been robbed of her early years, she’s only 1! And we havnt been in lockdown for well over 6 months. I understand you’ve missed out and that’s rubbish, I feel like my younger child missed out on lots, but I Havnt been robbed, she’s right here and she’s happy and healthy and that’s more than a lot of people have. You have a lifetime to look forward to with your little one taking them out places so try not to dwell on what’s already passed. Health visitors are pretty pointless anyway in my experience, and your baby couldn’t enjoy those baby classes in the first year anyway, but now they are older they can so hopefully you’ll find something suitable and be able to enjoy it.

I’m not trying to minimise your feelings, they are valid, and I am sorry you feel robbed of what you thought would be. But even previous to Covid, there are thousands of mothers all over the country who are ‘robbed’ of what they envisioned of their mat leave and the early months/first year (perhaps beyond) due to many reasons - premature birth, NICU stays, medical problems, multiple births. You just have to accept it, be proud of yourself and look ahead, not behind.

In term of the HV it doesn't look like they offer much even before covid??

The HV Team where I live are working under ridiculous conditions. I remember being told they had a caseload of 500 a few years ago. But I know there are vacancies they can't fill, so I presume they are, in theory, looking after even higher numbers. Most of their time is spent attending child protection conferences and trying to support those with the most overwhelming needs. I'm afraid those deemed to be 'coping' don't really get support, through no fault of the HVs.

It's sort of like complaining the police don't come out when you report a crime, and blaming the police as if they are choosing not to come, rather than blaming Governments for not funding enough public services (or voters for preferring to pay less tax and allow all public services to be pared back to the bone ???).
But no, most folk don't get as much support from their HVs as would be ideal.

I had my second in March 2020. It’s been a mixed bag. In many ways, having to stop & do nothing for the first few months was bliss. I have some lovely memories of just cuddling on the sofa & getting us into a nice routine.. but I loved baby classes with DD1 & I was gutted to miss them with DD2. And frankly, having a toddler locked down was hell on earth 🥴 I think I’ve blanked out the hard stuff as it was just so hard!

I do empathise OP. I had PND with my first & I said repeatedly in that first lockdown how grateful I was that this happened with DD2. I’d have been a wreck without the support I received with DD1.

I’m a very positive person though & rather than dwelling on what we couldn’t do, I’ve poured my all into making life really good during the times we could do stuff & now! In the summer of 2020, we made the most of seeing family outdoors & we got to one term of baby sensory before it all closed again! And since May 2021, we’ve been doing loads! Holidays in the UK, we do a toddler class on Fridays & one at the weekend. We go swimming, we go to softplay, we go to toddler gymnastics free play, we see friends & family regularly. We go the farm, exploring parks, occasionally the zoo.

In all honesty, I’m really grateful everything is open now DD2 is a toddler herself! The idea of having a 4 year old & almost 2 year stuck at home fills me with horror! 🙈

I think the best thing is to look forwards and not back. What happened has happened. Can’t be changed. Time now to enjoy the present with your kiddo.

I had my first dc years before covid but for other reasons, I was similarly robbed of a lot of the expected stuff when you have a new baby. It sucks. No useful advice really, but much sympathy . Dc1 is now 7 and I'm past it, but I was honestly a bit resentful and a bit bitter for a long while. Occasionally, someone will say something which will accidentally trigger me thinking "shut the actual fuck up", but I get over it quickly now