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Controlled Crying

45 replies

peacockj · 27/01/2022 20:04

I am currently 10 minutes into controlled crying and am already sobbing myself. Does anyone have any positive experiences with it that I can read to take my mind off it? Please

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Liz1tummypain · 27/01/2022 20:14

Oh this takes me back. Sadly I can't say whether or not it will work. I did it ( somehow, can't imagine how) with one of my three and it worked but couldn't bring myself to do it with the second and third. If you can get it to work, it's wonderful. But it really is tough. Have you got someone else with you?

Fallagain · 27/01/2022 20:15

Why are you putting both of you through this? Go and cuddle your baby.

FTEngineerM · 27/01/2022 20:16

What exactly do you mean by controlled crying?

How old is your dc?

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Justjoinedforthis · 27/01/2022 20:18

It’s hard but wayyy less crying overall as they learn to self soothe. Are you going in after 2/3/4 mons etc? You can just put a cap on the time, I never went over 8 mins. It worked in three nights on my first, and and one night with my second. Was forty mins of in and out, in and out, then slept through, and sleeping through became the default. Both happy great sleepers

DappledThings · 27/01/2022 20:23

It’s hard but wayyy less crying overall as they learn to self soothe. Are you going in after 2/3/4 mons etc? You can just put a cap on the time, I never went over 8 mins
Yes, this. We never went over 6 minutes. It still worked. You don't have to build all the way up to 10 if it's too much.

FTEngineerM · 27/01/2022 20:28

wayyy less crying overall

This is something to think about.

Our DS1 used to cry trying to get to sleep for 2-3 hours a night with me there, without me there it was 12 fucking minutes!!!! You can imagine my fury at spending the last few months with him every night when it was exactly that that was the problem.

Every child is different and don’t let people make you feel bad for doing this.

Sausagesausagesausage · 27/01/2022 20:29

I've done it with both of mine. It worked in days with both of them - first night is the hardest though.

QuiltedHippo · 27/01/2022 20:30

Gosh you don't have to do this, sometimes it feels like everybody is but babies are often just doing what biologically normal babies do. Forgive me if you're at the end of your tether and have tried other things, you just sound so miserable

Winniemarysarah · 27/01/2022 20:31

@Fallagain

Why are you putting both of you through this? Go and cuddle your baby.
I agree. I can’t even bare to hear other peoples babies screaming in distress, let alone my own. I read a study about babies being put through ‘controlled crying’ (funny how they give it that name when the whole process is out of control screaming until the baby learns that mum doesn’t care enough to come), and their stress levels are around the same as a car crash victim.
peacockj · 27/01/2022 20:32

I gave up 5 mins after posting this Sad

I am going to take a week off work and fully commit to it in a few weeks but I need to be more prepared.

My son is 10 months and hasn’t slept for longer than 2 hours in 3 months so me and my partner are going a little insane. From the age of 3mo to 7mo he slept through almost every night but it was like a switch went off at 7 months and it’s been awful ever since. I wish it was as easy as “go and cuddle your baby” but I’ve gone back to work and desperately need sleep.

My partner is with me and is really supportive so that’s good! This method was highly recommended by my health visitor, she told me to start with 5 mins but I started with 2. I didn’t make it past that point though lol.

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NotVictorianHonestly · 27/01/2022 20:37

Personally I could never bring myself to do it. I don't want to teach my baby that there's no point in crying because Mummy isn't coming.

peacockj · 27/01/2022 20:37

Controlled crying is not the same as cry it out. You go in every few minutes, say comforting words and then leave again.

I don’t feel bad about considering this method and neither should anyone else. I am watching him constantly. If you don’t have anything nice to say don’t say anything, the negative comments haven’t affected me but they could someone else. I am a good mum.

I absolutely hate hearing my son cry but I know that it’ll be best for both of us if he can self soothe.

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SallyWD · 27/01/2022 20:38

The first night was horrific. I was crying too and my heart was breaking. I went to clean the oven because I had to keep busy! The second night she cried for a few minutes and then slept through. She was sooo much happier once she learnt how to self soothe. It's the best thing I did for HER. I also regained my sanity in the process.

peacockj · 27/01/2022 20:38

Mummy does come though. Every few minutes.

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DragonMovie · 27/01/2022 20:38

@peacockj your baby sounds like mine until he was 15 months and we did controlled crying.

To make you feel better, he shows NO signs of being traumatised. He loves his bed. He’s the only child I know who since he could talk occasionally says “can I go to bed now please mummy”.

And he was a terrible sleeper like you describe.

We did have to retrain him a couple of times after illness but it was never as bad as the first time.

The first time it went like this:
Day 1: a total of 30 minutes before he fell asleep (with me going in at decreasing intervals)
Day 2: 8 minutes
Day 3: no crying

I thought it would last for hours and hours the first night but it suddenly stopped after 30 minutes and he slept through the night.

Good luck! Don’t feel bad - don’t let people make you feel bad about it. They will probably be people who haven’t experienced it and how much LESS crying overall your baby will end up doing, how confident they become in their rooms, and they are maybe people that didn’t have the type of sleep issues you’re experiencing.

Fujimora · 27/01/2022 20:48

Millions of years of evolution have gone in to small mammals wanting to be with their mother.
Controlled crying is something invented by parenting gurus in the developed world in the last 50 years. Most parents wou,d never dream of abandoning a frightened infant in this way.
Do not do this to your baby or yourself. It only workls because your baby will learn that when they cry, nobody will comfort them. This knowledge will feed in to every relationship they will ever have.

BrambleRoses · 27/01/2022 20:49

Please don’t worry OP.

My baby went through the most awful sleep a couple of months ago. He would wake at 10-11 every night and refuse to go back in his cot. Co sleeping was awful: I got kicked all night and he still woke up all the time. I was so ratty and tired.

He’s suddenly seemed to get the hang of it. We’ve had a few nights where he’s slept through, mostly he wakes once or twice, the odd night where he wakes a lot - but he goes back down. It’s made an enormous difference.

karlakourt · 27/01/2022 20:50

I did it. It was hard but it worked. Baby was a bit older. A bit over a year

Whenever there was a relapse, i did the controlled crying again. It usually took a few days but got us back on track

You have to be strong

BertieBotts · 27/01/2022 21:04

If it is upsetting you then it is not right for you.

There are other methods of looking at sleep which don't involve going against your instincts.

Self soothing unfortunately is not a skill which can be learnt or taught - and it can't be taught by leaving him to it, he is not old enough to have the emotional regulation skills to do that. This is absolutely not a criticism of you, I understand it is so often said that children "need to learn to self soothe" and this is a very common method used to "teach" it, but what it is actually teaching is that you're not going to respond. Which is OK if that is your aim. If you have decided that you don't want to respond to these kinds of wake ups in the night any more, then it's an effective method to cement that new habit, and for most people it works within a couple of nights with minimal upset. You could perhaps look at doing it with shorter intervals and something more like pick up put down, where you completely calm him before leaving rather than a quick reassuring pat and then leaving. If it's not your aim, then maybe look at something different.

For example here are some tips from Lyndsey Hookway (you need to click through to see all the pictures) No controlled crying, but several suggestions to reduce night waking/reduce reliance on you for night waking/reduce the burden on you.
www.instagram.com/p/CHD6WHAAM5V/

I know that one thing she often suggests is adjusting naps, and that a lack of sleep pressure (the build up of the hormone adenosine) can be the cause of frequent night waking. So it may be worth looking at something like this compared to how your son was at 7 months old. However sleep can also be developmental and it is normal for there to be more disturbed sleep at around this age - sometimes called "the 9 month sleep regression" - this could be to do with separation anxiety. When was it you went back to work? Babies can also "reverse cycle" at night which is where they breastfeed more to kind of make up for being away from you in the daytime. If you think that's happening you might be able to look up techniques to change that habit, and see if that helps with the sleep.

It can help to work out what you actually want and what's realistic - it doesn't have to be all or nothing although the method you have chosen is quite an all-or-nothing one. Do you need him to sleep right through? Would a longer stretch be something that works? Would you get more sleep if he was in your bed for example (I know for many people the answer would be no!) Or is he currently coming to your bed and you want him to stay in his own? Would you like to night wean? Having a kind of "curfew" on feeds and bedsharing worked well for me and helped me feel a bit more in control without feeling like I was doing something cruel.

Good luck with whatever method you choose.

NotVictorianHonestly · 27/01/2022 21:04

@peacockj

Mummy does come though. Every few minutes.
She doesn't come and provide proper comfort though. She comes and says a few comforting words and then leaves her baby to cry alone again.

I get it, going back to work with a child that isn't sleeping is really tough. I went back to 60 plus hour weeks and it was very painful. It does get better though. They learn to self settle in their own time like any other developmental stage.

peacockj · 27/01/2022 21:25

Interesting points. Thank you to the people who have given actual constructive advice. I will do some more research as I am starting to think it may not be the method for us.

My partner and I have both said that as much as we hate being so tired all the time there is always a part of us that is happy when he wakes up in the night because we get to cuddle him. He isn’t a very cuddly baby during the day.

I ended up rocking him to sleep and he has been asleep in his cot for an hour now. He has wriggled a few times but went straight back to sleep by himself so I don’t think self soothing is completely alien to him.

Hopefully he gets the hang of it soon x

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NuffSaidSam · 27/01/2022 21:50

. I read a study about babies being put through ‘controlled crying’ (funny how they give it that name when the whole process is out of control screaming until the baby learns that mum doesn’t care enough to come), and their stress levels are around the same as a car crash victim.

Do post a link to that study, sounds very interesting!

NuffSaidSam · 27/01/2022 21:52

@peacockj

Controlled crying is not the same as cry it out. You go in every few minutes, say comforting words and then leave again.

I don’t feel bad about considering this method and neither should anyone else. I am watching him constantly. If you don’t have anything nice to say don’t say anything, the negative comments haven’t affected me but they could someone else. I am a good mum.

I absolutely hate hearing my son cry but I know that it’ll be best for both of us if he can self soothe.

Good for you OP. If you decide to do this, best of luck, it is effective and saves a huge amount of sleep deprivation (for you and your baby) and crying.

If not, that's fine too. It's not a method that works for everyone.

ShirleyPhallus · 27/01/2022 21:55

It only workls because your baby will learn that when they cry, nobody will comfort them. This knowledge will feed in to every relationship they will ever have.

What crap. Controlled crying isn’t for everyone and that is absolutely fine but to suggest that any baby who has been left to cry for a few minutes at a time will be damaged in all future relationships ever is so offensive.

For most of our parents generation, they were left to cry properly from very little, yet many of them seem to manage proper, meaningful relationships!

NuffSaidSam · 27/01/2022 21:58

It only workls because your baby will learn that when they cry, nobody will comfort them.

If that was true then babies who had been sleep trained using this method would never cry at all would they?

But, hang on! They do cry don't they? So...

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