Controlled Crying

[peacockj]

I am currently 10 minutes into controlled crying and am already sobbing myself. Does anyone have any positive experiences with it that I can read to take my mind off it? Please

@peacockj Google Jo Frost Controlled Timed Crying. She really puts it in perspective and gives great tips. We did it at 10 months when our daughter woke every 60-90 minutes since 6 months. We were on our knees. We couldn't cope anymore. We'd done rocking, gradual retreat and all those gentle methods. This took 2 nights. About 15-20 minutes first night then 5 minutes 2nd night then DC slept through on the third night. We were all much happier!

It only workls because your baby will learn that when they cry, nobody will comfort them

Thy wasn’t true for us, as I said in a PP. me fussing and flapping around and staying with him was the problem……

He’s only 19m so I can’t attest to no long term damage but we have an equal bond to before we did that 12 minutes of crying.

I had a very positive experience, we did it about 6months ago and she is still sleeping through the night most nights. If she doesn't it's literally a quick cuddle and straight back down.

Very similar to a previous posters experience actually. The first night I went in every 30 seconds for 5 mins, then a minute, then 1.5 and so on but never over 5 mins. It did take a good hour the first night. The second night I went in 4 times and the 3rd night once. And that was literally it. I was absolutely amazed that it worked and to start I wasnt keen on the idea. But I'm so glad we did, my mental health was really really suffering and to be honest there wasn't many days I wasn't in tears because I was so sleep deprived.

@NotVictorianHonestly

Personally I could never bring myself to do it. I don't want to teach my baby that there's no point in crying because Mummy isn't coming.

Personally I think you should research before you judge

@FTEngineerM totally agree! I hardly think 3 nights of a babies life is going to cause emotional damage.

This topic always brings out people who swear it's a terrible thing. If you've been through years of a baby waking you through the night, you're pretty invested in believing it was necessary and the alternative must be awful, or why would you have put yourself through it?

When we did it, DP was in charge of proceedings, pay back from all the nights I spent up breastfeeding. I went for a walk and left then to it the first night, had horrible visions and came back half hour later to find DP drinking a beer and saying she took five minutes to go to sleep!

It worked within a few nights with both my DC. It was horrible but it worked and we were all happier for it. I was exhausted, resentful and snappy after more than a year of broken sleep and feeding all night.

Gosh this is a really polarising one. I think the ‘learned helplessness’ hypothesis really only starts to apply when very young babies’ cries are not responded to. This is commonly known as ‘cry it out’. What the OP is talking about sounds more like the classic Ferber method, which is kind of one notch up on the gentle scale - baby is responded to verbally after increasing increments of time.

Personally I would look at making some adaptations to make this sustainable for you and baby, since the last thing you want to be doing is trying new things, being inconsistent and stressing yourself out. I do believe that controlled crying can be gentle and within a framework of responsive parenting (I did it myself to avoid losing the plot from sleep deprivation). When you go in after 2 mins (or whatever you’re comfortable with), pick baby up, and calm him down completely. Rock him, hold him, soothe him until he has stopped crying. Then put him down. Repeat. The important bit is that he stops crying and is totally calm when you put him down. His needs are met, but he also has the chance to work on falling asleep himself. Crying is a form of communication, and there are different kinds of crying. You can kind of tell the difference between an annoyed yell/shouting at you and a serious distress cry. You can respond to your baby whenever you feel like it, without compromising the method or your parenting values.

Having a comforter that’s been in your bra is also a good move, something that baby can use to comfort himself in between check-ins.

Personally at 6.5mo this method worked for me in 2 nights. He slept solidly ever since. Woke for feeds until 9 months. Then has been 12 hours a night since. It was the right call for us - but I wouldn’t have been comfortable just doing verbal comforting. I hope these are useful thoughts OP: no judgement here.

I've sort of cut to the end- I read 2/3 of the thread.

Here's my tuppence.

It's been my experience that parents who decide to try 'controlled crying' are generally those who have reached the end of the road. They're exhausted. They're on their knees. Their baby is grumbly and fractious because they're not getting any quality sleep. Their parent/s are barely coping. They're beginning to resent this little being who is wrecking their lives, their sense of being.

The whole family is on their knees.

That's where 'managed sleep' (hey, a different term for the same thing! 😊) comes in. Often, when you get to the point where this feels like this is the only option remaining - it works.

It rescued us as a family. I guess that, as I'd been screamed at, day and night for 9-10 months, my capacity for capitulating at the first whimper was gone. We did it properly. 1 minute, 2 mins, 3 mins.
It took two or three nights.

We were saved. Our days, all of us, we're so much happier, more fun. We were stunned at how easy it was. Child awoke happy and rested, as did we.

I did it again for my second at 7 months, but he was more robust and readily understood 'the deal'. One night.

Those who tell you it'll affect them forever, in all ongoing relationships etc are talking bollocks. Mine are early 20s now. Not seeing 'attachment' issues...

IMO if you aren't 'ready' for it', you haven't yet been driven to the edge of your sanity, where it might be the only way out of the exhausted nightmare you're all stumbling through. Bar 'alternatives'

Many who strongly and judgmentally condemn that decision have never faced the reasons why you might make it.

Mumsnet is full of people who have no concept of walking a mile in someone else's shoes.

I don't think that's quite a fair comment. I agree all the comments about how controlled crying is horrific etc aren't quite fair either.

I don't think anybody "puts themselves through" years of being woken in the night. You either cope with it and manage it because it's not that bad for you, or you struggle through it because there is no choice, or you choose to do something to change the situation. I don't think most people choosing to avoid Ferber/extinction type methods of sleep training are really doing so as some kind of martyr statement. But I think it's fair to point out what's actually being trained when you do that kind of thing, especially since the misleading "self soothing" term gets thrown around a lot. It is (usually) effective in improving sleep. Whether it's cruel, well I think that's probably best judged by the person actually doing it who also knows their own baby. Some babies genuinely do just accept it pretty quickly and go to sleep. It's probably not cruel for them. Others scream for hours and make themselves sick - I don't think it's appropriate to use the method with a baby reacting in that way. Most will be somewhere in the middle. The problem is people seem to assume that one or the other of these extremes is the experience of everyone which is probably not true. But I'd maintain that if you're doing something for only five minutes and it already feels wrong, it probably is wrong. Whether that means you need to do shorter intervals or something different entirely is another question. There are loads of resources springing up now which talk about supporting sleep in helpful and more respectful ways so it's not this dichotomy any more between train them before they train you, don't get into any bad habits etc vs oh just wait for them to grow out of it naturally (which is all well and good except that it takes years). Lyndsey hookway is great and possums sleep looks pretty good as well. Anyone talking about sleep pressure is generally a good sign.

Just read Labrradorfiasco's post, and yes, I agree.

We were taught (yes, there were classes in how to get your baby to sleep where I was in 2000 Australia!) 'the method'. You never picked your baby up, you didn't make eye contact, you sat beside the cot and patted and soothed. Then left. And returned at timed intervals.

1 hours of crying first night (I went in every 5 mins and reassured / patted but didn’t let her out of the cot

It was pretty crap

But second night it was 15 mins and now she cries for a minute at most and then just turns around and goes asleep and only wakes once for milk (she’s 10months)

You do have to be ready for it though

There is no such thing as controlled crying. You just need to get your baby used to settling him/her self when they're tired. That's good parenting.

Put them down give them a bit of a pat and then leave.
If they're too old and you've left it too late (into that separation anxiety bit - it's obviously not going to work). You then need to do it more slowly.

@ShirleyPhallus

It only workls because your baby will learn that when they cry, nobody will comfort them. This knowledge will feed in to every relationship they will ever have.

What crap. Controlled crying isn’t for everyone and that is absolutely fine but to suggest that any baby who has been left to cry for a few minutes at a time will be damaged in all future relationships ever is so offensive.

For most of our parents generation, they were left to cry properly from very little, yet many of them seem to manage proper, meaningful relationships!

Complete bollocks @ShirleyPhallus. I have three very happy,well adjusted children who I did controlled crying with. It worked because I was consistent. As toddlers they all were asking to go to bed by 630 . I have a fantastic relationship with all of them …so stop being so judgy ! Am not saying it works for all but it definitely worked for us. Good luck op 💐

CC saved our family, twice. My DC went from being miserable, overtired babies/toddlers who woke up crying every 30-45mins, sometimes staying awake for anywhere up to three hours at a time, to kids who had a story, cuddle and a tuck in and then slept for 12hrs straight, waking up refreshed and happy at a reasonable hour. I did it at 14mo with DD and 8mo with DS, and my only regret is waiting so long the first time. The change in all of us was immediate.

They're 7 and 3 now, always call me if there's a problem in the night ("they learn that Mummy never comes" is total shit, instead they learn that "Mummy always comes when there's an actual problem"), and have zero memory of the two or three nights of crying for about 15mins total.

I hope it works out for you, OP. I was on my knees and nearly hallucinating, and my back ached from the rocking (DD)/my body was covered in bruises from the headbutting (DS). After CC there was none of that ever again. Just sleep.

@ShirleyPhallus…sorry I think I posted to the wrong person. Please accept my apologies.x

I unintentionally did it.. mine was 9 months when first lockdown came in and we lost childcare and was WFH full time while partner out 14 hours a night

When I put him to bed I would stay with him until he went to sleep, then work for a number of hours. He woke on one night while I was on a work meeting and I knew I needed to stay on it for a short period at least to get some information, I think it was about 2 minutes, I was very torn to go to him but there was pressure to be on zoom meeting (though I was muted). He fell asleep, wasn't more than 2 min. Then I realised sometimes he may without me being there. He was not hysterical, but normally I'd have gone to him straight away. I did continue to stay with him but not holding, in room next to him until asleep, then moved myself on chair slowly until I could leave the room and he would go to sleep fully alone, and if he woke in the night I realised he normally fell asleep within 2 mins, he stopped ever crying longer than about 20 seconds when he woke within 2 days. I think that was a lot better for him as when I was going to him he would get so upset if he saw me leaving it could go on for 2-3 hours with him getting stressed, strangely realising on that first day that he fell asleep alone after 2 mins and seemed a lot less tired and emotional the next day as he had a better amount of sleep was quite enlightening. But I may have felt different if he had been hysterical crying. He was more of a moaner/whimperer. If full blown crying his eyes out I don't think I could have done anything other than drop everything and go to him, if he is ill he does this and I've never not gone to him, that's my preference and what my heart tells me to, it would hurt me more to ignore that, than to miss sleep.

I didn't do it ever when putting him to bed though, I literally went from holding to sleep, to chair next to his head, to chair 1m away slowly increasing until I was out the room, and he was ok with this.. it did take about 3 weeks and a lot of lost time in sitting on a chair doing absolutely nothing while he watched my until his eyelids gave in. I may have been very lucky!

Look up sleep regressions. There's a reason your baby is crying.