Wedding - what would you do?

[LottiesMum21]

DH's brother is getting married in Italy in May. DD will be 14months. The wedding is child free. There are events every day in the evening which DD can go to but they all start 30 minutes before her bedtime. The wedding itself is in the day but DD isn't invited to attend the ceremony, dinner or speeches. Various family have spoken to the B&G - they aren't budging. They seem to think it'll be OK to use a babysitter in the day and leave DD alone in hotel room at night. I'm not happy about either. Honestly I'm absolutely dreading it - DH will have to go to all the events as it's his brother which leaves me to do childcare alone in a foreign country. The whole family is going and I know if I say I don't want to go I'll be seen as making a fuss. Should I suck it up for family harmony or dig my heels in and stay in the UK while the whole extended family lives it large in amalfi? (We've already shelled out £££ for flights)

Genuinely interested - what would you do?

Go along ...join in with what you can and what you want to do with daughter.
On the actually wedding day ...don't go ...stay with daughter....do some research now and find a nice park or activity to do ...have a nice lunch you and her...Italians LOVE children
I've been to Amalfi for a family wedding..the groom was Italian....children invited ....we went a few days before and went to the beach one day ..boat trip along the coastline another ...

Why do weddings turn normal people into such selfish, demanding fuckwits?

How can they insist you attend all the events without your dc when there's nobody you can leave her with, and you can't leave her on her own either?

I’d go on the holiday, and just have the day to yourself and your DC while your DH goes to the wedding. The in laws will just have to deal with it. I wouldn’t leave my toddler with a complete stranger either.

I wouldn’t go, let your DH go alone. If anyone in extended family is huffy with you, just say it can’t be done and the risk you take when you decide on an elaborate wedding overseas with a ‘no kids’ rule is that lots of people probably won’t be able to come.

I would go on the holiday but not attend the wedding - DH would have to go on his own. You could still have a nice time doing other things

I'd stay at home. I wouldn't even entertain this bullshit. I posted on another thread today about weddings and I'm all for child free weddings but going abroad to a destination wedding is a whole other thing. To think they expect you to pay for flights and probably take precious annual leave and then pay for a hotel and they haven't even the courtesy to invite you as a family to the bloody wedding. I wouldn't entertain this crap at all. This sort of stuff reflects really badly on the bride and groom.

Hmmm I think my response would be that I’m not going risk being Gerry and Kate McCann for their sakes. BIL & SIL can leave their own children alone in whatever hotel room they like but they don’t get to dictate to anyone else where is or isn’t appropriate to leave a small toddler home alone.

^ I’m sure they’ll realise how ridiculous they are. And if they don’t; just consider that you and your DC are going on holiday without the rest of them and spend the time with her and alone in the evenings with a book x

I’d also start dropping things in like “omg who else is leaving their child alone in a hotel room? Are other people doing that? Oh wow… they are risking a lot for you… I can’t go because I just don’t need jail time tbh”

What was your plan when you booked the flights?

I would not go at all, and would be very blunt honest in my replies if asked the reason why.
This B & G sound like utter cunts, expecting you to pay for flights, hotel, gifts, plus help from your DH but not extending even basic consideration to you and your DD.
I do understand some people prefer child free weddings and it's entirely up to them of course however this is close family - the OP's DH is expected to be closely involved as the groom's brother, yet his young daughter is persona non-grata.

I wouldn't go, send DH to celebrate with family and ask for a refund on flights or for credit for a later trip if too late for refund. Surely others with children are considering the same and may follow suit if they know that is what you are doing.

I've already declined 2 childfree weddings this year as I can't get the childcare for the time required. I think if you have a wedding abroad or a childfree wedding you have to accept that some people will not be able to make it (including family).

I'd stay home.

A wedding in Italy without children is very, very odd.

Did they seriously suggest you leave her alone in a hotel room?! Surely no one would seriously suggest that in a post-Madeleine McCann era?!

I don’t understand why people do destination weddings but say no kids or close family members. Could your family share the childcare?

@LottiesMum21

In Italy kids are most welcome to go to evening events, why don't you just take her with you and a pushchair. Mine have slept through more than a dozen wedding receptions and full on concerts

* I wouldn’t go. You’ll spend every evening sitting alone in a hotel room (because of course you can’t leave your DD alone!) and it’s DH’s brother so he has to be involved.*

^This.

Don’t go, They’ve made it impossible to attend anyway!

[quote gogohm]@LottiesMum21

In Italy kids are most welcome to go to evening events, why don't you just take her with you and a pushchair. Mine have slept through more than a dozen wedding receptions and full on concerts[/quote]
By the sound of it they aren’t Italians though. That being the issue. Italian wedding with no kids would seem very unusual.

I'm thinking that maybe they haven't got child/ren, so have no understanding therefore of the logistics involved in fitting this all in with a toddler in tow, who you are somehow expected to just get him/her looked after in a foreign country for some of the time. Honestly these over elaborate weddings abroad and the assumption of those arranging them that the invitees, whatever their circumstances are just going to be able to afford what's being asked of them. Just ridiculous. Like to see how they cope if they are in your position sometime down the line.

I went on holiday with my parents and DD at 14months.
Her home routine was a morning and an afternoon nap then bed around 7.30.
Her holiday routine was a morning nap, an after lunch nap and an early evening nap then out for a meal and bed around 10.30/11.
She was a little grumpy after the last nap for a while some days but once we were out for a meal was fine!
Her routine was thrown off from the flights and having a cold anyway and luckily DD adapted well in a different environment.

Well obviously you don’t leave your child alone in a hotel room while you go out enjoying yourselves

I get not having children at weddings, even abroad , if you all go then on wedding day he goes alone you have a beach pool day with dd

Other days them give her a later sleep, which events do you mean she can attend, then sleep in buggy with you while you eat drink etc

That’s what we always did with dd on holiday

How long are you away for

Does the hotel have a child friendly pool? Is it near the very small beach or a steep climb down and back from the beach?

I have visited Amalfi, and it wouldn't be my first choice for a holiday with a toddler.

Yes, I'm another one who's all for child free weddings but this is ridiculous.

DH needs to step up with realistic solutions that don't just leave you with doing a shitload of childcare in a foreign country.

How many days/nights are you away for? Do you have family you could leave DD with in the UK? That would be my first choice option.

Alternatively, a babysitter in the evenings would be fine.

It doesn't seem to have occurred to all the posters telling the OP to "just get a babysitter" that some parents feel really uncomfortable leaving their toddler with a complete stranger in a foreign country.

If it were me I wouldn’t go and I think DH would probably get it.

If you feel like you have to go are there any relatives or friends (perhaps your mum? Sister?) who might want to tag along for a holiday and help look after dd ?