Wedding - what would you do?

[LottiesMum21]

DH's brother is getting married in Italy in May. DD will be 14months. The wedding is child free. There are events every day in the evening which DD can go to but they all start 30 minutes before her bedtime. The wedding itself is in the day but DD isn't invited to attend the ceremony, dinner or speeches. Various family have spoken to the B&G - they aren't budging. They seem to think it'll be OK to use a babysitter in the day and leave DD alone in hotel room at night. I'm not happy about either. Honestly I'm absolutely dreading it - DH will have to go to all the events as it's his brother which leaves me to do childcare alone in a foreign country. The whole family is going and I know if I say I don't want to go I'll be seen as making a fuss. Should I suck it up for family harmony or dig my heels in and stay in the UK while the whole extended family lives it large in amalfi? (We've already shelled out £££ for flights)

Genuinely interested - what would you do?

Holiday nanny is the only thing I can think of but it will cost £££. Or don’t go.

There seem to be so many weddings where the bridal couple seem to think they are in the Kardashian clan, without actually having the money or will to make things comfortable for all their guests.

Wouldn't be going and sure as Hell wouldn't be leaving a baby alone in a hotel room. They are clueless and I wouldn't care what they or anyone appeasing them thought of me.

If it's too late to get refunded I'd go and just treat it as a holiday with my little one. So no need to stay in all evening either. Go to the beach, see the sights with little one in pram and you'll prob have a better time than them all

I wouldn’t go, even if you can’t get th flights back. Honestly, this won’t be a relaxing holiday with a 14 month old - you’ll be better off wrangling her alone at home

I think it would depend on whether there were fun things you could all do together during the days. If so, I'd go and take dd to some of the evening events and then just opt out of the wedding itself. If it's going to be tricky to do fun things in the days before the wedding, I'd probably just send your DH alone. But a few days in the Amalfi coast in May sounds like it could be brilliant.

It's your husband's family - what's his view or planned solution to this?

Why have you booked flights?! Was this not all clear before you committed?

I’d move the flights and have a holiday at another time or to a different place. Don’t go. They’re being awkward as fuck and you owe them nothing.

No way! Sunken costs fallacy - forget about the cost of the flights and just don’t go. No way would my 14 month old be happy with a random stranger for a day while I went to a wedding, and I would obviously never leave him alone in the evening (they are absolutely insane for suggesting this?!)

It’s a firm no and they need to get a grip.

2 words for your shitty in laws & DH.
Madeline McCann. 😶

Did you know when you booked? For the actual wedding could you use a sitter and just keep her up in the evenings, have a pushchair that reclines. No need to be a martyr, kids are very flexible

No sorry I would not be going to that.

It's one thing if the wedding is in your home country and you have friends/family who can look after DD but you cannot take her abroad and leave her in a hotel room or with a complete stranger.

It'll be you and/or DH who are sat in a tiny hotel room all night feeling resentful so just don't put yourself in that position.

Politely decline and wish them well.

For the actual wedding could you use a sitter

Would you use a complete stranger to look after your 14 month old in a foreign country? Seriously?

I am all for child free weddings, but blimey, telling you to leave your child alone in a hotel room is just insane!

Tbh, I'd go. I'd spend the time with my child having a lovely holiday. The being alone with them in a foreign country wouldn't bother me. I'd let Dh do all the wedding stuff.

On the wedding day itself, I'd probably get the hotel babysitter for the ceremony. But I wouldn't be fussed on doing the same for the rest of the activities.

I do think you could have a lovely holiday with your child, regardless of attending wedding stuff!

@RampantIvy

For the actual wedding could you use a sitter

Would you use a complete stranger to look after your 14 month old in a foreign country? Seriously?

Plenty of people use hotel babysitters all the time. Isn't much different to hotel kids clubs. Very common.

If you do go, and other family members and guests see you with your husband they might wonder why you aren't at the wedding. It will reflect badly on the bridezilla and groomzilla.

What does your husband say about their ludicrous suggestions? I mean, there is no point in you being there if you have to skulk about hiding yourself and the baby away from everyone esle.

Id go to italy but i wouldnt go to the wedding my baby was excluded from. If they thought i was making a fuss, then thats their problem

@RampantIvy

Yes, have done it, professional accredited service no different from any other babysitting agency. Not everyone has relatives who babysit

Does your DD go to a nursery already? Is she used to being away from you for hours at a time? If yes, maybe a babysitter could work for the ceremony but otherwise I'd be staying home and letting DH deal with the fallout.

I wasn't aware that hotel babysitters were accredited, having never used a babysitter on holiday. (didn't take DD abroad until she was much older)

One thing to consider if you do go @LottiesMum21 is that Amalfi is very hilly with lots of steps.

I'd tell them I am not going but dh can go if he wants.

And to a pp who casually remarks that children are very flexible - seriously?

If mine deviated from sleep times by 20 mins their routine would be shot for days. Meaning no sleep for days or weeks possibly!

Sure, some kids might be that easy, but not all of them are

They are effectively eloping. They shouldn't expect all and sundry to go trailing after them.

Plenty of people use hotel babysitters all the time. Isn't much different to hotel kids clubs. Very common maybe but I wouldn’t put my baby in a holiday club, only once old enough to understand and speak and take herself to the loo etc.

It's not the "done thing" to exclude children from weddings (or any other family event) in Italy. Babysitters are hard to come by. I am related to Italians by marriage and I have experience of this.

If your ILs are having a child free wedding in Italy then you will probably have to stay at home. You should never be expected to leave your child alone.